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A stranger from old Timbuctoo Tales told by a cowgirl in Biggar, Just follow the southern-most trail, The old Indian Chief grunted, "How?" Said the Indian Chief to his braves, The cowboy wore spurs on his boot heels, A cowboy, bow-legged, named Cox; Two brothers went west with the itch. "Lefty" Lemon, a lightning fast gun, My name's William Bonney indeed, By his wife's grave stood Billy the Kid, The kid, all the world knows as Billy, From History (West) 101, The Cassidy Kid and Butch Dance, The greenhorn went out on a roundup The Dalton gang found them a mode The dangerous bandit Alfredo, There once was a law dog named Doc, On the North Platte, near Deadwood, Chad Quest The Red man and White man concur. The outlaw that held the big gun said: The gunfight at OK Corral The poker-faced wrangler call, "Draw!" Said the prisoner, "I must look my best, Said the chaplain, "I think your request Said the Sheriff, "Since you are my guest, "Though the Jesse James holdups were grim, In springtime, right after last rains, Jesse James, when he got feeling cranky, There once was an outlaw named Bruce, For it seems that the posse of men, We will force them all to disband. Vigilantes strung up the wrong cuss; Little known, is that Buffalo Bill, In the courtroom with Buffalo Bill A tidbit on wild Wyatt Earp. In the earliest days of Dodge City, One day, in Dodge City, Kit Carson, Well, what about old Marshall Dillon? When villains did dastardly deeds, Said the bride of a sheriff out west, We've lynched a few innocent guys; Osceola, it is my belief, In this story, a plot to usurp'll Hello, I'm Roy Rogers. With Dale, A young Indian fighter named Raft Howdy, I'm Tex Ritter, I ride, The sheriff of small town Piscataway The fastest draw of great fame Wild Bill Hickok and several card cheats (instead of aces and eights now called 'dead mans hand')
As a gunslinger, Wild Bill Hickok Well, hey, now, my name's Wyatt Earp, Wyatt Earp chewed tobacco, the clod! So sensitive was Wyatt Earp On the shores of the great Gitchygoomi, So he built it with birch sticks and hides, Some scholars of certain genus, He filled it with all sorts of treasure, (Ira Hays fought the Japs in the war, (You may think there's a rift in chronology, All the birds whistled, "Hey Hiawatha! He pondered now which way to go, He arrived at the land of the Chippewas, (Now that last verse was quite spurious, Down the great Gitchygoomi he drifted, When he saw this wonderful creature,
Turned rancher, a real buckaroo.
Bought a bronco, did Kim.
A bronco named Tim,
But Kim didn't know Tim Bucked too!
--- Laurence Perrine P8412
Caused all of her girl friends to snigger.
She complained that her suitor,
A stand-up straight shooter,
Was always too quick on the trigger.
--- John E Mayhood P0012
Until you arrive at the dale
That's next to the glade,
Where I like to trade
For beaver and pieces of tail.
--- Travis Brasell
White man's guns barked, "Pow-pow-pow!"
Then a treaty was signed
With crossed fingers behind--
White man say, "This is my country now!"
--- Ann Gasser P9311
From the way that the White Man behaves,
We will get back our plains
Very soon without pains,
Whereas he will be back in his caves.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2464
And clanked them like musical bell peals.
He kicked them so high,
He caught his own thigh --
Now he knows how his suffering horse feels.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
His brother, knock-kneed, without socks;
While matching each stride
Both swaggered with pride;
They could walk and the same time, spell "OX".
--- Thomas M Patton P9901
One did and one didn't get rich.
One died in a whorehouse,
And one in the poorhouse,
But no one recalls which was which.
--- Laurence Perrine P8412
Challenged many a hard case and won.
But he made a faux pas,
Dead, face down in a draw,
Since such stuff to Bill Hickok was fun.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0604
But 'Billy the Kid' when I bleed
Their husbands for ransom.
The wives call me handsome,
And thrill to my boyish bad seed.
--- H Welchel
With his feelings not very well hid.
Said, "By heavens above,
You still can make love,
Just as well now as you ever did."
--- Clarence E Boyle P8410 A
Had drives that to some would seem silly.
When longing for fun
He'd grab his firm gun --
The handload he shot was a dilly.
--- Tuycker D Ott P9002
Three answers - How the West Was Won.
The whiskey they brung,
White-mans forked tongue,
And Gatling, that son-of-a-gun.
--- Irving Superior P9509
The kind of guys who took a chance.
Though history's not sure,
We now think they were
Habitually stealing men's pants.
--- Anon
To learn all the skills from the ground up,
But thieves got the word
And captured the herd,
And left him abandoned and bound up.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
For busting new banks as they rode.
A handsome young feller
Would seduce a teller
Who'd lay by the safe while she blowed.
--- Tucker D Ott P9002
Walked out in the streets of Laredo
And drew, as a joke,
On the Ricochet Oak
"Alfredo's been laid in the shade-o'."
--- Cyber Geezer
Who didn't run with the flock.
He drank and he gambled,
Went whoring and rambled,
And upstaged every man on the block.
--- Planet Kilmer
Who among the fast guns, was the best.
"We don't know that he's fast,"
Several bawds said at last,
"But he's quickest to come this far West."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9509
A bottle of whiskey per fur.
Then White man, heap greed,
"Two furs I'll now need."
And Red man gets ugh ugh-li-er.
--- Irving Superior P2005
"I'm counting, and need only one dead
Town marshal, no more,
To bring up my score
Of gun fighting kills to one hundred."
--- Anon
Was really fought over a gal.
The issue was honor:
Who first would get on her --
The gunsmoke near wiped out poor Sal.
--- Tucker D Ott P9002
('Twas the card game he'd learnt from his paw)
So they drew on him, gunned
Him down. He lay bleeding and stunned,
He moaned, "How about 'Go fish'...? from the flaw.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8412 A
Polished boots and a suit neatly pressed,
At my 'party' today;
I will hardly feel gay,
And I dress up when I get depressed."
--- John Miller 0127
Can be met, and at your behest,
Perhaps Sam the Mortician
Cna improve your condition
With some duds from a client at rest."
--- John Miller 0127A
I'll be proud if you're wearing a vest,
With your necktie just right,
You could go down tonight
As 'Horse thief: Best dressed in the West!'"
--- John Miller 0127b
From all banks and trains," declared Jim,
"The guy didn't take
As much as we make
From one Western film about him."
--- A N Wilkins P8412
The James gang went robbing fast trains.
Their foodstuff deficiency
Caused top-notch efficiency.
Which show how well throbbing fast trains.
--- Tucker D Ott P9002
Would hold up a stage or a bank; he
Brought loot to his girl,
Who sniffed, "Amscray, you churl,
Till your cockstand can hold up a hankie!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8412 a
Whose neck was now sporting a noose,
So he offered his wife,
In exchange for his life,
But that's when he cooked his own goose.
--- Bob Birch P0507
Could each recall where, what and when,
They took off her blouse
And diddled his spouse,
And they knew they could do it again.
--- Bob Birch P0507
I know God will support our side and
The injuns are dumb;
They'll have to succumb.
A savage has no right to land.
--- Al Willis P9509
His widow made a rip-snortin' fuss;
Contrite as all hell,
They rang her doorbell,
"The joke, ma'am, I guess is on us!"
--- Anon
This is file zwm
Would perform bizarre acts for a thrill.
He would enter his staff
In a buffalo calf,
And then smoke his ex-love on a grill.
--- William N Nesbit P9901
Two bulls tried to buffalo Bill.
"Spite his passion and skill,
He's no license to kill,
So we've brought 'gainst this buff a low bill."
--- Laurence Perrine P8501
He'd shoot anybody who'd burp.
It sounded like mocking,
And even more shocking,
Were those who'd drink soup with a slurp.
--- Irving Superior
If your draw was not fast, 'twas a pity.
On the stone at your head
The inscription that said
Something sad was so apt to be witty!
--- Loony Limericks P9408
Decided to bugger the parson,
Who said when recovered:
"That burns, dear belovered,
That fellow committed arse arson."
--- Tiddy Ogg
That lawman found most women willin'.
I heard that Miss Kitty
Gave him more than titty.
The marshall's six-gun, she was thrillin'.
--- Frank Fazed
The cowboys arrived on their steeds,
Conveniently mobile,
Prepared to be noble,
Fulfilling whatever the needs.
--- R J Winkler P8412
"Before we bed down, I suggest
You remove all those burrs,
Your revolver and spurs,
And that sharp-pointed star on your chest."
--- Anon
At OK Corral, big surprise.
The crooks were dispatched
By gunslingers matched,
With big Sheriff's stars in their eyes.
--- Chris Papa
With his Florida folks suffered grief.
But his tribe multiplied.
They survived, deified,
Because he was their seminal chief.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0010
Discombobulate crooks, if no twerp'll
Inform on the cause
Of Justice and laws,
As the heroes cross sage that is purple.
--- R J Winkler P8412
My wife, I ride out on the trail.
She wants me to frig her,
But I prefer Trigger,
That's why I will end up in jail.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was pierced in the chest by a shaft.
He could manage a smile
Only once in a while,
For it hurt very much when he laughed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P9501
White Flash on these trails with pride.
There's room on my saddle,
For Dale to straddle,
While with Trigger you're occupied.
--- Carole
Like a fool let the robbers get flat away.
His chance he did piss away,
When the robbers went this-a-way,
And the sheriff in haste took off that-a-way.
--- Anon
Kept his gun in his pants - what a shame.
'Cause he drew at High Noon,
Pulled the trigger too soon.
"Wild Bill Hick" is now his new name.
--- Theo M Heller P9509
In the backroom had taken their seats.
Bill was shot in the belly
As he dined with Fast Nelly --
In his hands they found asses and eats.
--- Martin Wellborn P8412
Had mastered every know trick-shot.
But his skills while in bed
Leave less to be said,
For nothing could make his small dick hot.
--- P8205
I've been known to fight, fart, and burp.
I once met that silly
L'il kid they call Billy
And kicked the crap out of that twerp!
--- H Welchel
Which continued to a habit quite odd:
When he popped out his chaw,
While he practiced his draw,
It was clear, he'd been shooting his wad!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
In Dodge no man his soup could slurp.
To Earp it became
An insult to his name.
Boot Hill's filled with men who'd burp.
--- Irving Superior P8412
Hiawatha was standing, quite gloomy.
Watching birds and beasts mating;
'Twas time he was dating.
"I will build a canoe, big and roomy."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And lined it with 'coon fur inside,
And a chrome figurehead
Of a squaw giving head,
Imagining it his future bride.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Have suggestied this "girl eating penis"
Motif thus inspired
Anon, that great bard,
In creating the epic "Ship Venus."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Blankets and furs without measure.
And some silk negliglee
He bought at Ira Hays,
Which he thought would give all the girls pleasure.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Turned to drink, like so many before.
His life turned to ash,
As told by Johnny Cash,
And he died in a ditch, sickly poor.)
--- Tiddy Ogg
But for this I will make no apology.
Pass to Einstein your query,
It's all due to his theory
Of space-time and twists in cosmology.
--- Tiddy Ogg
You really are such a tosser!"
And they all dropped their kak
On his wondrous kayak,
Which caused him a great deal of bother.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And decided to drift with the flow.
'Cause if he found a whore,
Then he'd give her an oar,
Which would double his power to row.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And he found that the ladies there were no bras.
But with the braves' meat,
He could not compete.
He had never seen such big cigars.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And Longfellow would have been furious,
But the Chippewa word
Has an ending absurd,
So to rhyme it, I was very curious.)
--- Tiddy Ogg
And at last his poor spirits were lifted,
For there in a glade
Stood a young Indian maid,
And with bosoms she was truly gifted.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Admiring 'most every feature,
He cried, "Lady, Hey!
I'll take you away."
(Romance was not in his nature.)
--- Tiddy Ogg
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