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But once on the target you're locked, There was a young man of Missouri "Dear Arch, one request will you grant?" There was an old fellow of Ewing, That remarkable critic, E.N. (E.N. is probably Ernest Newman)
Many think it is quite egotistic, A friend of ours once was surprised That chick, over there in the T-shirt Young studs are just not much fun; A nervous young fellow named Fred There once was a fraulein from Berlin, Whenever she was in the mood There was a young fellow named Crouch, On a date a young girl may inquire A studious professor named Nestor, An impotent fumbler named Starrett (For the gal uses only a carrot.)
There was a young fellow from Parma, (Said the girl, very rude, I enjoy being screwed,)
There was a young man at the Cape, Cried an Indian maid in her teepee: A girl for a caddy is droll. Said Sam, as he buried his cue The thought of his touch was enough While humping his wife in the sack, Sneered bored little Sue from St. Joe's, During sex, a young housewife of Spake The Shah of the Empire of Persia, Two buck rabbits watched May and Gus When Charlie removed his girl's clothes, There was a young fellow named Adam, I love to get laughs at bedtime, A nun from the town of Shinnigan There was an old lady of Dover, "I assume that you know what you're doing," A young violinist named Ringer, They huddled together, hearts thumping; There was an old voyeur named Zeke, A German composer named Bruckener, (lento - in a slow manner, music)
A Brooklyn boy ready to boist, One midnight, old Dante Rossetti, Engaged in coital embrace, A pious young lady named Finnegan, As two consular clerks in Madras A marriage adviser in Leeds A hard-peckered lecher named Lutz A bestial young fellow once crept A busy Afghanistan mall It's no wonder that poor Mrs. Hance, There was a young Frenchman, Marceau, There was a young girl named Myer, There once was a kind of a geek An underworked harlot from Kew, There once was a girl from Piscataway, There was a young fellow named Clyde, The rain on the window was falling; A young man at a diner in Groton, There was a young fellow named Ned I know of a man who's a Quaker A donor of blood known as Peters Typesetter Bill breathed fumes of lead; There once was a girl named Winona, No more will Steve Irwin be clowning, (Who is Ian Thorpe - McW)
A brilliant young man from Milwaukee, A fellow from Kalamazoo There was a young soldier named Ed - Sir, There was a young fellow named Clem There once was a fellow named Hoover;
(I know you won't go off half-cocked.)
Holster your rifle
Inside my trifle,
And fire 'til we both are shell-shocked.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who fucked with a terrible fury,
'Till hauled into court
For his besti-al sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.
--- L1197
Asked Edith, beginning to pant,
"You can hammer me hard,
Without goose grease or lard,
But drive it in straight...not a slant!"
--- E Maidanik P8309
Who said, "It's computing I'm doing.
By leaving my drawers on
While clambering whores, on
The whole, I've lost ten miles of screwing."
--- L1161
Had a wife who adored all young men.
She said, "You old fool,
Don't you know that the tool
Is mightier far that the pen?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To have sex that is just onanistic.
Most people would choose
To do it by twos,
Since our system should stay pluralistic.
--- Isaac Asimov
To have his long dong criticized,
By a whore who was shrewish,
Too fat, and half Jewish,
Because it was uncircumcised.
--- Anon
Can't give good head because her knees hurt.
But to add to her crass,
This nice piece of ass
Gets more thumbs-up than Siskel or Ebert!
--- Citizen X
They're off at the sound of a gun --
For all their hip-twistin'
They pump like a piston,
With no clue how to get the job done.
--- Kaylin Brandon
Took a charming young widow to bed.
When he'd diddled a while,
She remarked with a smile,
"You've got it all in but the head."
--- Anon
almost -- not entirely -- without sin.
To her lover she said:
"That won't do, I'm afraid.
Could you, please stick it all the way in?"
--- Anon
She'd up a sign, "I do it for food"
Said our adventurous Miss:
"Lovemaking as such is a bliss.
If it, too, serves a purpose -- just as good."
--- Anon
Who was courting a girl on a couch;
She said, "Why not a sofa?"
And he exclaimed: "Oh, for
Christ's sake shut your mouth while I - ouch!"
--- Victor Gray
Why her fireman friend isn't spryer.
She must yell, I suppose,
"Either reel out more hose
Or get closer, you clod, to the fire!"
--- Anon
Bet a whore all his books he could best her.
But she drained out his balls
And skipped up the walls,
Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her.
--- L0327
Lured a kitchenmaid up to the garret.
Intent upon sexing, (With intentions to fuck)
He found it damned vexing (He was shit out of luck,)
To hear "Foul ball" shreiked by the parrot.
--- G0772
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said the damsel, demure,
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure,
But I must say you fuck like a farmer."
--- L0078
On a maiden, committed a rape.
Said she, "You damned shit,
You can't fuck a bit,
And your're knocking my quim out of shape."
--- The Pearl 1879
"What you're diddling is making me weepy.
Either give this here rookie
Some boiling-hot nookie,
Or I'll tear out of this teepee and peepee!"
--- G2215
After golf, you may give her a roll.
But by night, as by day,
She is likely to say,
"You are playing, sir, the wrong hole."
--- Anon
In Sue's quim and proceeded to screw,
"The girl of my dreams
Isn't coming, it seems,
But you do make a good number two."
--- Michael Horgan
To make the young girl rub her muff.
But stroke as she may,
She longed to just say,
"Do it harder. I'm no powder-puff!"
--- Charlotte
He remarked, "Dear, it's tits that you lack.
And your crotch is too snug."
She replied, with a shrug,
You bastard, get off of my back."
--- Martin Wellborn
While watching her man start to doze,
"It's no good when you're nodding;
You've just got to keep prodding,
And stay razor sharp till she blows!"
--- Armand E Singer 110
Used to shriek, shudder, snort, scream and shake;
But her husband said, "Polly
Desist from this folly,
You're keeping the neighbors awake."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Lay for days in a sexual merger.
When the girl asked the Shah,
"Won't you ever withdraw?"
He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia."
--- L0336
In the midst of a hot sexing fuss.
One said to the other,
"Mankind's so dumb, Brother,
I'll bet they learned that trick from US!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 433
She was scented from head down to toes.
But her mood was oblique,
And her thorny critique,
Made him think he was fucking a rose.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0423
Who bedded a beautiful madam.
Later on in the dark,
She cried out, "Oh, Mark!"
"Not Mark!" he cried, "Madam I'm Adam".
--- Music Jones
And I love to get sex any time.
Now both things are nice,
But take my advice
Just don't get them at the same time
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Felt an urgent compulsion to sin again;
So she asked the devout
"Will you kndly pull out
And then straightway slip it back in again."
--- Hugh Oliver 39b
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry, when you came,
"Oh dear!, What a shame!
Now you'll just have to start over!"
--- Anon
She asked in the midst of his screwing.
"Group sex may be fine,
But the pleasure's not mine,
And the rest of the people are booing."
--- Fred Cohen P8604a
This is file zqm
Was seducing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
"Now, I've got it in."
Said she, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
--- L0091
She chatted about horse show-jumping.
He didn't reply
Except to say "Why
Not shut up?" as he carried on humping.
--- Prof M-G
Who liked to hide in the closet and peek.
Then jump out with loud cries,
Of 'Aha!' and 'Surprise!"
And point out your flaws in technique.
--- Anon
Remarked to a lady while fuckin' 'er,
"Less lento, my dear,
With your cute little rear;
I like a hot presto when muckin' er."
--- Anon
Shacked up wit' a French goil, his foist.
When she said, "Ah! Mon cher!"
He replied, "Stop right dere!
Would you radder we fucked or convoist?"
--- G2266
Remarked to Miss Sidall, "Oh Betty,
I wish that you'd stop
Shouting 'Fuck me you wop!'
It turna da tool to spaghetti!"
--- Victor Gray
He muttered, "We're winning the race --
But after I've come,
Please don't think I'm dumb,
If I ask you to save me my place!"
--- Norman Storer P0608
Would caution her beau, "Now you're in again,
Please watch it just right
So you'll last through the night,
For I certainly don't want to sin again.
--- L0924
Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass,
"What a marvelous pole,"
Said she, "but control
Your sinkers--they're banging my ass."
--- L0123
Said, "What your wife patently needs
Is husbandly passion
In every know fashion
With a nice variation in speeds."
--- Harold C Bibby
Had his prick in a bitch to the nuts.
She remarked, "My friend Hunt
Has more fun in my cunt;
He goes three times as deep when he butts."
--- G0647
Upon an old lady who slept.
He was husky and stout
But she threw the man out,
For his fucking was grossly inept.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0099
From Russians was making a haul.
Warned old Boris the colonel,
"Cease this fucking infernal!"
So they promised a token withdrawal.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-3000
Told a shrink that she viewed life askance.
"At the office", she whined,
"All my mail runs behind,
While at home my male comes in advance!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Who said to his girlfriend, "Ah, no.
I admit it is sweet
Ma tres chere petite,
But it's your turn to move down below."
--- Isaac Asimov
Who gave in to her lovers desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher.
--- L0896
Who sometimes through windows would peek.
So, we thought, "Well,
You never can tell.
He might give us useful critique."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
After lying all night between two
Post-Edwardian beaus,
Said, "At Madame Tussaud's
I've seen men what was livelier than you!"
--- John Ciardi
Who said to a school chum, "Is that a way
To treat an old friend?
You've got the wrong end.
Stop it, please. I do not like this thataway."
--- Anon
Who fell on a stove and he fried.
The doctors rushed through
And they patched him like new,
And when he recovered, he died.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2506
The Edsel outside had been stalling;
The body was found
With its head in the ground;
The method of death was appalling.
--- Cap'n Bean P0312
Fell in love with the cook, was besotten.
So preoccupied,
He took sick and died,
After eating a steak that was rotten.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who ate, before going to bed,
Welsh rarebit and such,
And cheese that was Dutch,
And when he woke up he was dead.
--- Newton Mackintosh P8803
Who worked dawn to dusk as a baker.
But one day by mistake,
He was cooked with a cake,
And now he's meeting his maker.
--- Anon
Was wronged by computerised meters.
He was generous and kind,
Yet those brutes didn't mind
When they stole his young life and six liters.
--- David A Brooks
Too cheap to buy a fan, they said.
Now he's in the past
From type he had cast;
With better air, he'd not be dead.
--- Gerald Bosacker
Who ran with the bulls at Pamplona.
She tripped on a board
And was multiply gored.
She went home in a box to Katonah.
--- Susan Addington
And Peter Brock's death left us frowning;
He had parked up the wrong tree...
So unhappily we
Might see Ian Thorpe die by drowning.
--- David Miller
Invented a new walkie-talkie.
He said, "Breaker, Breaker",
And then met his Maker,
The 'talkie' was renamed 'Old Sparky'.
Had wanted to live somewhere new;
So he moved to the Bay, San
Francisco, they say,
Where a cable car chopped him in two.
--- Cap'n Bean P0306
Who spent everyday in his bed - Sir.
One morning at one,
They fired the gun,
And Ed - Sir, in bed - Sir, was dead - Sir.
--- Spike Milligan
Who possessed quite remarkable phlegm.
When once by mistake
Choked to death on a cake,
He got up and did it again.
--- Michael Palin
He ate lunch in the city Vancouver.
He started to choke,
But near were no folk
Who had heard of the Heimlich maneuver.
--- Anon
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