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I once knew a nice girl named Sue; A baker named Sylvia Sour, A fellow whose name was Gerard, A railway official at Crewe, Statues should be erected for sure; There was a young farmer of Limerick, There was a sheep-shearer named Bull A family lost in a fog There was a young man from Dundee, There was an electrician named Ruzzi, With her vibrator there by her side; Si went to the circus one day, An unfortunate GI named Bill A hound dog, while crossing the road, The husband of Angela Lee There once was a very old man The bank was about to foreclose The sport of a student at Yale The bride and the handsome young groom There once was a hangman named Bruce, In Japan, a fat tourist from Surrey, There was a young fellow named Blunt, A Boston lifesaver named Hoover, A skeptical man was Bill Treater; Young Jimmy was lacking in sense, They found him next day in the yard, A worker held up an orange flag; A performance enhancer named Young A writer of mysteries, Groat, There once was a person of Devon A motor mechanic named Fox There once was a sad man called Buck, Poor Bill was a man quite insane; A while ago in the Wild West, First I gathered he was killed by a missle This blowtorch I thought I had mastered. In a thunderstorm, dear Uncle Bart There once was a man they called Sidney; There once was a fellow named Bryce There was a young fellow named Weir, The proper British lady named Dinah Magic was what should have been, The blood it gushed everywhere, The magician can do nothing but grin I would like you to know about Cory, There once was a fellow named Dunn, The grave saint who saw them arrive Bring this illegal suit to a halt. On smelling a gas leak, Miss Knight A planeload of whores with ambition In New York, a lift broke as though halved, (bystander killed in New York 1998)
There was a young hiker called Hilda, There was a young mother in Surrey, Be careful, Michelle, you don't scar; Poor Jim, he got crushed by a truck. Assistant mortician named Lee, A sailor from somewhere near Devon A steam roller ran over Blore; He was trying to light his cigar, To die in my sleep, I'd revere There was an old bug in a tannery A daring young fellow in Bangor, A man who was called Lucky Jim A fellow from Preston, named Pete For a woman from Kalamazoo The body ofIsabel Hayes Augustus, for splashing his soup,
She stopped breathing and turned very blue.
On a bone she did choke,
And it wasn't a joke.
She died on account of her hue.
--- Mushroom
Her fate became horribly dour;
When she met with her death
Being robbed of her breath
As she choked on a measure of flour.
--- Cap'n Bean P0204
He died when he choked on some lard;
His wife was a witch,
And a frugal old bitch,
So she buried him out in the yard.
--- Cap'n Bean P0510Q
Met an engine, one day, that he knew.
Though he nodded and bowed,
The engine was proud,
And it cut him, it cut him in two.
--- Anon (L Reed)
Accolades heaped upon those of yore
Who first risked eating things
Which today pleasure brings.
After some "foods" though, they were no more.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0307
Who started one day to trim a rick.
The Fates gave a frown,
The rick tumbled down,
And killed him--I don't know a grimmer trick.
--- Anon
Who had sheared all the sheep, one bag full.
He got caught on a snag
And fell into the bag,
And the poor fellow died in the wool.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2481
Was swallowed right up in a bog.
And still more absurd,
They were not disinterred
Till their bones were dug up by a dog!
--- Beelzebub
Whose talent fell into the sea.
He tried hard to catch it,
But slipped on a hatchet,
Now talentless and headless is he.
--- Anon
Whose wife was a bit of a floozy --
One day, old Fred
He found his wife dead,
Floating face-down in their Jacuzzi......
--- Anon
It was obvious how she had died --
She forgot what Fred taught her --
Don't mix electricity and water --
And that's how poor Fred's wife got fried!
--- Anon
Resolved to get in without pay.
He ducked under the tent;
No one learned where he went,
For the elephant thought he was hay.
--- Vincent Wessel P9302a
Lost his life when they took Bunker Hill.
A shame how he died,
Shot by his own side,
When the Captain cried, "Fire at will!"
--- Tim Patterson
Saw a plumber's truck crash and explode!
She ran for the ditch,
But the unlucky bitch
Got hit by a flying commode!
--- Observer
Was killed by a falling marquee;
She screwed the mortician
In frenzied coition;
The funeral service was free.
--- Cap'n Bean P0900
Who ordered a high-powered fan.
But what came was a freezer--
It froze the old geezer!
So much for his mail-order plan!
--- Aaron Juratovac P9707
On the house of a woman named Rose,
And, with nowhere to stay,
She just wandered away,
And, at night, in the darkness, she froze.
--- Cap'n Bean
Was to slide down the bannister rail.
They kindled the fire
For his funeral pyre
With the splinters they pulled from his tail.
--- Ray Wilbur P8512a
Were unwillingly sent to their doom.
In the church after mass,
When the furnace leaked gas,
And the bride and the groom went kaboom.
--- Cap'n Bean P0504
Who decided to test his new noose.
With a splutter and cough,
His head came right off;
Turns out his new noose wasn't loose.
--- Anon
Ate his curry in too great a hurry.
He stuffed like a goat,
Till it stuck in his throat.
The coroner said, "Hurri-kurri!"
--- Ogden Nash
Who was such a pitiful runt,
That when he assayed
To hump a fair maid,
He smothered himself in her cunt.
--- G1991
While doing the Heimlich maneuver,
Some food did dislodge
With such force, his death dodge
Choked a fellow who yawned in Vancouver.
--- Prof M-G
He couldn't believe his gas meter.
He took out a match
And gave it a scratch.
"Good morning!" he said to St Peter.
--- Justine
And while searching for pleasures intense,
Wired his dick to the mains
And switched on, but his brains
Blew apart with the voltage immense.
--- Peter Wilkins
What was left of him, blackened and charred.
He'd a grin in the space
That once was his face,
And a charcoal-grilled barbecued hard.
--- Peter Wilkins
A drunk man's reflexes did lag.
Made a most wild swerve
As he rounded the curve,
And crushed the man flat 'neath his Jag.
--- Rory Ewins
(Here's a song that just has to be sung)
Tied a rope 'round his neck
As he jerked on his peck-
Er, and got accidentally hung.
--- Armand E Singer
Bizarre though the stories he wrote,
Was found dead at home;
The death cause unknown.
An ice cube got stuck in his throat.
--- Irving Superior P8503
Whose age was one hundred and seven;
But he fell out of bed
And came down on his head,
And ascended instanter to heaven.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Got crushed between cylinder blocks.
They laid him to rest
In his boots and his vest,
With his spanner and jack in the box.
--- Peter Wilkins P9806
Whose life was full of bad luck.
But he went out one day,
Feeling happy and gay,
And got hit by a twenty-ton truck.
--- Jim Campey
He'd his head up his ass, it was plain.
But one day in the fall,
As he walked down the hall,
He farted and blew out his brain.
--- Yellow Rose1
This is file zpm
An indian was brought to his last rest.
Killed by a weasel, they told.
I thought this story won't hold,
Reconstructed events to my best.
--- Dirruk
Or finished by a bullet from a pistol.
Turned out he was slain
By an oncoming train,
And the last thing he heard was the whistle.
--- Dirruk
(Guess I shouldn't have used it while plastered.)
Watch out for that--D'oh!
His parka is--Oh
"My God! I killed Kenny!" "You bastard!"
--- Anon
Was struck down playing "How Great Thou Art."
For good cheer, far from home,
With his new metal comb;
An ironical way to depart.
--- Graham Lester
He was missing all of his right kidney.
His left took a jolt
From a lightning bolt.
He didn't last very long, didn't he.
--- Anon
Whose killing was sharp and precise,
For he danced in the rain
As the thunderbolts came,
And they struck him not one time, but twice!
--- Cap'n Bean P0509
Who hadn't an atom of fear.
He indulged a desire
To touch a live wire--
Most any last line will do here.
--- Anon
Liked to screw on her lover's recliner,
'Til the day the spring broke
And propelled the poor bloke
From London to North Carolina.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0203
But it turned tragic as seen.
We all had a laugh
Sawing a gal in half;
A real blade was used in the machine.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And the magicians dreams turned to dispair.
What was a cheap trick
Turned nasty and sick;
For the assistant we send out a prayer.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
As he thinks of the blade going in.
He's now gone insane
And melted his brain,
And he now lives in the loony bin.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Though reluctantly retell the story.
A meat grinder's involved,
And a blade that revolved,
And from here it becomes rather gory.
--- Bob Birch P9806
Who drove in the desert for fun.
But his battery died,
And he too, was soon fried,
And collapsed in the Mexican sun.
--- Anon
In bliss asked the youngest of five
"How was it you died?"
"My wife said," he replied,
"'Be an angel. This time let me drive.'"
--- A N Wilkins P9203
Though the plaintiff's wife lies in her vault.
Of her lack of endurance,
My auto insurance
States plainly it wasn't my fault.
--- Laurence Perrine P9412
Found the source, struck a match for some light.
The next man to meet her
Was gatekeeper Peter,
Who said, "Well, you weren't very bright!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was shot down when it strayed from position.
Said the colonel, "Absurd!
This would not have occurred
Had we known they were on a piece mission."
--- Albin Chaplin P9104
And some scaffolding ripped from its graft.
As parts flew away
In disorderly spray,
Ms. Thereza was who got the shaft.
--- Knotweed
Who went for a hike on St. Kilda.
They say that the climb
Is really sublime;
It wasn't for Hilda, it killed her.
--- Anon
Chopped off her child's head in a flurry;
She replaced it with speed,
And then found that she'd
Stuck it on back-to-front in her hurry.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Now lunge with that broadsword as far
As you can through that hole.
I'm in total control;
Now just do it; fear not, my dear ... aarrgghhh!!
--- Anon
An instance of very bad luck.
God said, "I choose you,
And your family to screw.
So next time remember to duck."
--- Forrie
Whenever a man's lost at sea
And relatives ask it,
He lies in the casket
For folks who just come there to see.
--- Irving Superior P8503
From his carrier went straight to heaven.
Just how did you die?
He replied sadly, "I
did not see that F-111.
--- Anon
His friends slid him under the door.
His wife in despair,
"You can't leave him there
With my French Provincial decor."
--- Irving Superior P8811
And he stepped in front of a car;
His cigar is well lit
In the bottomless pit,
But Satan can't find him nowhar!
--- Levi N Fouts P0509
Like dear Granny, so sweet and sincere,
Which is better, by far,
Than the friends in her car,
Who went with her while screaming in fear.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9509
Who moved to a plentiful granary,
Then with languorous ease
He moved into peas,
And got himself canned in a cannery.
--- Limber Limericks
Sneaked a huge jet from its hangar.
When he crashed in the bay,
Neighbors laid him away,
Much more in sorrow than anger.
--- Anon
Said, 'Away with all things that are grim.'
He stood in the street
Singing, 'Life can be sweet,'
And a steamroller ran over him.
--- Spike Mulligan P0110
Was crushed, as he laid in the street,
From his head to his heels,
By a steamroller's wheels;
His corpse was as flat as a sheet.
--- Cap'n Bean P0012
Her lifespan was suddenly through,
When she stepped on a mine
By the state/county line,
And the towns that she died in, were two.
--- Cap'n Bean P0205
Was found where her livestock did graze;
They determined somehow
She'd been crushed by a cow;
And her corpse had been trampled for days.
--- Cap'n Bean P0301
Was put for the night on the stoop.
In the morning he'd not
Repented a jot,
And next day he was dead of the croup.
--- Edward Gorey
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