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Now after that marvelous treat, With Men one rule always applies, The oddest of organs, the prick, "When's a limerick ribald and when crass?" There once was a poet from Hexameter There was a tired gal named O'Leary No doubt her unflattering critique A passionate lady named Fay, "Not tonight," said the chief, "I'm too sleepy," There was an old lady of Dawson I hate when they roll over and snore? Sneered total abstainer, old Keating, I parted the legs of Sue Session A coldblooded fellow named Keating "He never did split me asunder," A stoical husband named Fred To the prissy bitch fucked in his car, The duchess sneaked out by the fount, This morning you looked so content, On the cruise ship in port at Stamboul, A farmer by name of Durante There was a young fellow named Strunk "My stock is first class," said Miss Bloor. There was a young fellow named Pratt A boer by name of MacDowell A hasty young man, quick and spry, "On which side of the bed do you sleep?" The heroine of my little ditty As we lay in our small pool of sweat A selfish young lover named Joe She asked him to wed at the zoo, A brilliant young NASA technician There was a young warrior of Parma, There was a young man of St. Bees, There once was a cheeky young miss, That young fellow who painted our town "Now Jilly, don't play with the boys; A novice young girl of Belgrade A bride, who lived just outside Valley, The Duchess of Pousse de Freonne An angry young girl named Arbutus Said a ripe demi-vierge of Chicoutimi, Eight inches, I guess, is not wrong -- You lovers of satire unite! There was a young gal from Astoria, "For the tenth time, dull Daphnis", said Chloe, Said Kate, "Though I hum when you plumb it, For ages I bloody well strummed it; It's happened to me once or twice, It's a hard lesson for men to learn. There was a young fellow from Cal., There was a young woman who lay, In bed, Dr. Oscar McPugh In their bedroom, he said to his mate, Why yes, Mom, I am being good. "Whatever, my child, are you doing?" It took me some time to agree She stood for to speak and then spoke There was a young lady of Ealing, (Published 1870)
Hear heterosexual Rick: A man says he's just a bit short; There was a young man from Antigua, "Can you increase the size of my clit?" Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo, Boo Hoo! When you lay a young girl on the sod, You've got quite a preocupation My dear, I think you will find,
There's just one thing to do, my sweet.
'Fore senses get number
And we're off to slumber,
Get rid of that wet sticky sheet.
--- Anon
There are no exceptional guys.
Once pulling the trigger,
Dimensions once bigger,
Will bring a quick fall to the rise.
--- Anon
Can get just as stiff as a stick,
And then moments after,
The butt of rude laughter,
Goes limp as a frayed candlewick.
--- Armand E Singer 568
A coed her roommate did ask.
"That question's quite thorny,
Perhaps ribald when you're horny,
And crass when he's just humped your ass."
--- Greg Schindler P9001
Whose mistress kept calling him amateur.
She said, "Your technique
Is too rough and antique,
And your rhythm's iambic pentameter."
--- G2367
Said, "A whole night of love makes me weary.
Please pardon my yawn,
But it's mighty nigh dawn,
So just put on your pants and go, Dearie."
--- Grand Prix Lim 493
Concerned my unfortunate technique.
She scoffed at my size,
My minimal rise,
And laughed at how quickly I peak.
--- Dennis Taylor
Told friend Joe as he staggered away:
"On the Passamaquoddy
We consider it shoddy
To stop after one little lay."
--- G0064
As his squaw closed the flap of the teepee.
"What I viewed with delight
Red and tight all last night,
Right now only makes me feel creepy..."
--- Grand Prix Lim 468
Who said to a lad, "You've a flaw, son.
If you stay for a while
I'll improve on your style.
You are not near as good as your pa, son."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0106
Just when you're heating up for more!
I'd give 'em an elbow
A kick in the pillow,
And push 'em out onto the floor!
--- Anon
His subject: male human secreting:
"Foreplay meticulous,
Posture ridiculous,
The pleasure quite palpably fleeting."
--- Armand E Singer 24a
Each night for a month in progression.
But now that she's gone,
I'm here all alone
And suffering 'post part 'em depression'.
--- Travis Brasell
Observed of a sexual meeting:
"However meticulous,
The posture's ridiculous
And God knows the pleasure is fleeting."
--- Armand E Singer 24A
Said Shiela, "and now it's no wonder,
My sex-life's gone tame
It's not been the same,
Since the guy from Quebec left 'down-under.'"
--- Ed Potts P8507
Would fuck with his hat on his head.
Then he'd raise up undressed
With his hand on his chest,
Out of simple respect for the dead.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2068
Joe said, "You're too stuffy by far.
There is no polite term
For cunt juice and sperm,
So why not just say what they are?"
--- G2287
To screw in the park with the count.
But he fucked her so bad,
That the duchess got mad
And a sermon she gave on the mount.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0153a
hat I dressed myself quietly and went.
Now I must say
The high point of my day
Was waking up inside your tent.
--- Ericka
Said the nymph on the purser's big tool:
"What magnificent fucking,
And reaming and sucking--
It's the best that I've had since high school!"
--- G0676
Was watching TV in his shanty
With the picture askew;
When his wife he did screw,
She complained his performance was slanty.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0125
Afflicted with postcoital funk,
From generous rations
Of untrammeled passions,
And spewing great gobs of his spunk.
--- Armand E Singer 70
"The best on the market, for sure."
After old Merrill Lynch
Shoved his prick in one inch,
She was rated as Standard and Poor.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0050
Who fucked an old maid in her flat.
She admonished the youth
For his manners uncouth,
And his failure to take off his hat.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1378
Was startled to hear his girl howl,
"All the sheets will be messed,
You had better get dressed."
So MacDowell then threw in the towel.
--- Albin Chaplin
Once fucked an old maid and did fly.
She called him a vulture
Devoid of all culture,
For his failure to kiss her goodbye.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1396
I asked. She said, "Normally keep
To the right; but confess
It depends on your mess-
Y wet spots which are left on the sheet."
--- Peter Wilkins
Was had by a lad from the city.
She exclaimed, "What a sin!"
When he put his thing in,
But when he pulled it out, "What a pity!"
--- G0054
And claim "That was the best one yet.",
Our thoughts are the same,
That after this game...
Who sleeps in the spot that is wet?
--- Anon
Found his girl friend impossibly slow.
He'd toy with her treasure
And have his own pleasure,
Then say, "Now I've come, I will go."
--- Robust Ribald Rude P9703
'Midst monkeys and snakes and a gnu;
"I havn't decided,"
His girl friend chided,
"Who makes better love, you or ewe!"
--- Mark Levy P9711
Showed his wife an exciting position.
She replied, "It's the top!
Now if only you'd stop
Yelling "5...4...3...2...1...Ignition!"
--- Stargazer
Who got into bed with his charmer.
She, naturally, nude,
Said, "Don't think me rude,
But I do wish you'd take off your armour."
--- Anon
This is file zrm
Who said to his girl, "If you please,
While playing with this,
It would give me great bliss,
If you'd pay some attention to these."
--- L0028
Who said to her boyfriend, called Chris,
"When you're done with my tits,
It would thrill me to bits,
If you turned your attention to this."
--- Michael Horgan
Chose colors that brought him renown:
For the ears of the slew
Of our gossips, a blue;
For the noses of sycophants, brown.
--- Cyber Geezer
Just leave them alone with their toys."
"But Mummy, it's fun
When they shoot like a gun,
And it's something that Daddy enjoys."
--- Anon
Remarked as a man with her played,
"I have never been had."
So he took out a pad
And he noted the blunders she made.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0040
Said, "So far we've only been pally;
But now that we're wed,
Just take me to bed--
And see that you don't dilly-dally."
--- Harold C Bibby
Told her chaufeur, "When mounting me, Leon,
Don't grunt like a peasant,
For I find it unpleasant,
And I'll have you made NEUTER, you PEON!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 519
Said, "I'm fed up on fellows who root us.
It's not the bed-bouncing
That I am denouncing;
It's that "Extract Of Kid" the brutes shoot us.
--- G1634
To her shy, loving lad, "It's all new to me."
But after eight starts
At conjunction of parts,
She complained, "You're just not getting through to me!"
--- Hugh Oliver 38d
You might hear my most passion song,
If you still keep in mind
That my pleasure I'll find,
If the foreplay (I said so) lasts long.
--- Anon
We must join the ignoramus's plight.
It's one way to whet
Our desire to get
The follies of man in our sight.
--- Stiffy Joe
Who said, "Now I don't want to bore ya,
But if you don't lay
In the usual way,
I'm just going to have to ignore ya."
--- Arden
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
You have made much fine verse on
Each part of my person,
Now, do something! That's a good boy!"
--- Anon L0019
I never quite come to the summit.
To get me succumbing
To humming and coming,
Just thumb it and drum it and strum it."
--- Anon
All evening I drummed it and thumbed it.
But did she succumb
To the hum and come?
She did not. She said glumly, "You've numbed it."
--- Anon
Though he tried nearly every vice.
I never got reeling;
There just weren't no feeling
Between us, though all of it felt nice.
--- Anon
In order for women to churn...
You have to start foreplay
Early each and every day
And not wait till we're ready to burn.
--- Anon
In bed with a passionate gal,
He leapt from the bed,
To the toilet he sped,
Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?"
--- L0014
With her legs wide apart in the hay.
Then, calling a ploughman,
She said, "Do it now, man!
Don't wait 'till your hair has turned grey!"
--- Norman Douglas L0057
Spoke of Spengler, and ate crackers too.
His wife said, "Oh stuff
That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and give me a screw."
--- L0065
"My dear, you look utterly great!"
But he was a gent --
What the guy really meant:
"Though you sure could lose some of that weight!"
--- Norman Storer P0608
(Oooh Charlie, I don't think you should)
Nooo, there's no one here
(Please don't lick my ear)
Ignore you? Mom! As if I would!
--- Marlene Lewis
Why nothing, Mom, I am just shooing
My old dog away..
Mom, what did you say?"
"I said, dear, 'you ought to be screwing!'"
--- Travis Brasell
To appear in a film about me,
And my various ex-wives
Detailing our sex lives,
But I did--and they rated it G.
--- John Ciardi
To a room full of feminine folk:
"Your man needs no diction,
He just needs some friction
Or the feel will be nil with each stoke."
--- Anon
And her lover before her was kneeling.
Said she, "Dearest Jim,
Take your hand off my quim.
I much prefer fucking to feeling."
--- Anon L0029
"I'll say it, and say it right quick;
I am not anti-fags
But the very thought gags --
I don't like hot poop on my prick!"
--- Armand E Singer 333
Toulouse, too tight, just for sport.
It's the where, when, and how
That will rate you a bow.
Wham, bam, just don't let it get caught.
--- Lo And Behold
Who said to his girl, "What a prig you are!
Whenever we lay,
You refuse to display
The nethermost parts of your figuah!"
--- Anon
Said Anita, somewhat of a twit.
"See, my husband's so small,
I can't feel him at all,
And the S.O.B. can't fuck for shit!"
--- Mark Levy P9704a
You promised a real hoopty-doo;
But that's not what I got;
'Twas just a wet spot
On the sheet, before we could screw.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
It isn't the size of your prod,
It's the way that you diddle
Your ladyfriend's middle
That improves her relations with God.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0186
With fucking and copulation;
But all the girls say
Please just go away,
'Cause in bed you're no great sensation.
--- Anon
As you nudge me in the behind,
Much to my elation,
We do have relations,
They're just not "family" kind.
--- Ericka
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