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My Epitaph: Here lieth Pete; There was an old bopper called Ron, Here Travis lies low in his boots; The sole Round Table member with bust A musician from upper Cologne An old racing driver Bill Rust, Though gravestones I do not molest, There was an old harlot named Klotz, A party called Aleister Crank A philosopher, whose life turned jejune, (jejune - inadequate)
There once was a fellow named Reed, The laughter and joy will not die, The Laurel/Hardy epitaphs -- Here lies a poor gluttonous sinner, Among the least used epitaphs Adolph Hitler, who once thought it bliss Rotting here under this Roman Sod At the grave of a woman named Joan, The tombstone of Solomon Mauffin The tombstone of Roosevelt Missal The widow of Oliver Drone I hope when they bury my ass, The mower that gives you a buzz, Once planted you won't get much ass My wife's cousin's father's last goal Those salts, Pat and Mick, were sure brave I've a horrible feeling I'm dead; The worst thing about it is this Oh God, there's much much worse to it The "Bumper Fun" funeral service, We have a pink polka-dot hearse, Then off to the graveyard we'll go, And no-one will shed any tears, By the locals, It's rarely admitted, The damsel who died was named Maeve, ...To the guilt of that terrible blight. In that graveyard until break of day. He insisted that he'd have no fright, In the graveyard he soon squatted down, That cry -- was it only an owl, He cannot take more of that sound. When that knife he plunged into the grass, The location given -- Combe Bisset -- As usual, this tale's from tradition. And while she was living, this miss I wondered from where that rain flowed, A golden shower on a dead body Young Snip is a woodworking boffin; I'm making myself one of oak, With his best pipe, they've cremated Clive, With his best pipe, they've cremated Clive, When they buried a lecher in Boston, The coffin lid never was closed. His widow bent over to see, "I'm shunned since that funeral," said Dave. "Advice like yours is good for curin' Bemused, I gaze at the crystal ball, But when you reach the cemetery, Whether worms are a bane or a treasure? The Diet of Worms makes him fatter, The snake being threatened at times, The sow in the muck and the mire, Having supped on the beast and some bread, A philosophy student name Fred, I'm sorry to hear you're so ill. The relatives, after reflection,
Kicked the bucket while easing his meat
Into Debbie Devine
Age one hundred and nine.
(No not Deb -- she was 20 and sweet.)
--- Peter Wilkins
(And heaven knows what he was on);
His tombstone's inscribed:
'For years he imbibed,
And now, man, this cat's really gone.'
--- RON RUBIN
Feared dead 'cause he was in cahoots
With Rue Schlock and Maude
And whores who applaud
The fact that his cold cock still shoots.
--- Travis
(One Dot Parker)'s immortalized just-
ly for lines about passes,
And lasses with glasses,
And her epitaph "Excuse My Dust"!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8702
Had so beautifully played the trombone;
He lit up the stage,
'Till he died of old age.
Now a horn is engraved on his stone.
--- Cap'n Bean P0505
Whose long string of victories nonplussed
Both his colleagues and foes,
In his final days chose
As an epitaph; "Excuse my dust."
--- A N Wilkins P8702
One inscription was not manifest.
When I brushed off the dew,
The fine print came in view:
You bastard, get off of my chest.
--- Al Chaplin P8701
Who was famed as the hottest of twats.
When they buried the bitch,
All the graves had an itch,
And their stones blew all over the plots.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2143
Was respected in every bank.
Why must we assume
That they put on his tomb:
"He lived--and he died--and he stank!"
--- G2302
Sought a phrase on his tomb to be hewn.
After years on this quest
He selected as best:
'SO LONG FRIEND, SEE YOU SOON.'
--- Arthur Deex P8702
Who knew that the world had a need,
For limericks and fun,
And all hearts he won,
Since laughter and joy were his creed.
--- L Read headstone P0607
As angels laugh with him on high,
While we here on Earth
Should cultivate mirth,
'Tis better to laugh than to cry.
--- L Reed headstone P0607
Because they shared a million gaffs
Hardy with his tie,
Stan about to cry --
On each FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND LAUGHS.
--- Irving Superior P8702
Than in life considerably thinner.
He's gone so they tell
Without doubt to--well--
To the place where they cook the best dinner!
--- Archie
Are these -- THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
For who'd want to add,
JUST A THINKING DAD
WHO THOUGHT THAT THE PAIN WAS JUST GAS.
--- Irving Superior P8702
To bring the world to the abyss,
Was a criminal knave,
And since this is his grave,
Stop long enough for a good piss.
--- A N Wilkins P8702
Lies Rogerio Borgia's old bod.
If the Lord made all things,
As the gospeler sings,
He reflects little credit on God.
--- A N Wilkins P8702
You do not have to feel you're alone.
There's a knob you can turn,
In the shape of an urn,
And her video plays on her stone.
--- Cap'n Bean P0409
Is cut in the shape of a coffin;
Through the vines and the weeds,
His epitaph reads:
"I hope that you visit here often."
--- Cap'n Bean P0306
Is carved with a border of thistle;
Sitting high on a knoll,
It was made with a hole,
Through which you can hear the wind whistle.
--- Cap'n Bean P0309
Felt terribly sad and alone;
She mourned him each day,
On the spot where he lay,
'Till she died at the foot of his stone.
--- Cap'n Bean P0109
The caretaker makes a pass
Around me with a mower,
'Cause at six feet and lower,
My dick will stick up through the grass.
--- MrMalo
Won't match up to soft pussy fuzz.
The worm in the middle
Won't allow you to piddle,
And it won't be as hard as it was.
--- John Miller
And your pecker, though swelled up with gas,
I doubt will intrude
Even though it protrude
'Cause its color will be that of grass.
--- John Miller
Was burial at sea, we were tol'.
He died, Pat and Mick
Took shovel and pick,
And try yet to dig there a hole.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To dig in the sea a fine grave,
In order to lay
That sailor that day,
Then say their 'good-byes' with a wave.
--- Travis Brasell
It is due to something I said.
I joked I'd be off in
A gold plated coffin
But from inside, it could just be lead.
--- Anon
I'm losing my air with a hiss.
On my back, what a plight
And there's no fucking light.
What the hell will I do for a piss ?
--- Anon
As I feel my internals commit.
My true epitaph
Will state, while they laugh,
"He was buried before his last shit"
--- Anon
Now won't you come in, don't be nervous.
When you're time is done,
Go out with real fun,
Whether gay, lesbo, straight, or just pervous.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With a driver who'll swear and he'll curse.
You can test drive a coffin,
Big enough to boff in,
We'll supply you a buxom nude nurse.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Topless dancers leading the pro-
cession, then here,
We'll all drink some beer,
With the coffin, the empties will go.
--- Tiddy Ogg
We'll all stand and offer three cheers.
Your partner's now free
To go on a spree,
They've not been so happy for years.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file zkm
But once a foul crime was committed,
When a man with a knife
Took a young lady's life,
In a lane near the town of Combe Bisset.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And she lies in a poor unmarked grave.
And the legend I hear
Says on March 3 each year,
Comes the ghost of the killer, a slave...
--- Tiddy Ogg
And one year on just this grim night,
To the pub came a stranger,
Who said he'd arrange a
Bet that he'd stay without fright...
--- Tiddy Ogg
All the men tried his will to gainsay.
But the stanger, the fool,
In his long coat of wool,
Was determined that he'd have his way.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Though they argued with all of their might.
So a strange knife they gave
Him, in order to stave
Off that ghost that would come in the night.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And drove the knife into the ground,
Very close by his side
And there he did hide,
'Til he heard some peculiar sound.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Or something unspeakably foul?
And that scrabbling he heard --
Just a rat or a bird?
And something now started to howl.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He tries to rise up from the ground.
But he finds he's stuck fast...
Through his fright, breathes his last...
In the morning the body is found.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Through his thick woolen coat it had passed.
It was this held him tight
And prevented his flight...
In his terror his heart beat its last.
--- Tiddy Ogg
May well be the right place, but is it?
And the date may be wrong,
So you'd better be strong,
When your local graveyard you visit.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I don't know if it's fact or fiction.
But when old Bill stated
The facts, as related,
'Twas said with the greatest conviction.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Would spurn me on many a kiss.
For insults she gave,
I stood at her grave,
Relieving myself with a piss.
--- SFA
As it warmed up her body so cold.
Had I known it was you,
Would have thrown you my shoe,
And scolded you for being so bold.
--- Reqluq
Does nothing to pump up my rod. E-
Ven so, I'll remember
How she sucked my member.
When living, Ms May was a hottie.
--- Randog
If you ask nice, she'll make you a coffin,
Made of oak, beech, or pine.
She said she'd make mine
And no bill, she's chargin me noffin!
--- Ticketyboo
For the day when I finally croak,
With a special compartment,
A boozy department
Filled up with Jack Daniels and coke.
--- Parsnip
And she says when his ashes arrive,
She will scatter them then
On the rug in the den,
Just as he did when he was alive.
--- A N Wilkins P0408
And she says when his ashes arrive,
She will scatter them there
On the rug near his chair,
Just as he did when he was alive.
--- A N Wilkins P9202
His thing sprung the lid of his coffin.
The priest ran about,
Then started to shout,
"Holy Cow! You don't see that very often!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The cause of the stiff not disclosed.
I know, for a fact,
At times he did act
In skin flicks - for porno he posed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Then she shouted out loud with glee,
"He'll be schtupping forever
But never, not ever
Again will he be schtupping ME!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
So here's the advice that I gave:
I saw you caught short,
While burying Mort,
But you shouldn't have pissed in the grave.
--- Anon
What ails me," said Dave, while endurin'
The shame of it all.
"But 'bout poor Mort's pall,
Don't judge my grave pissin' til urine."
--- Anon
To the time you'd ultimately fall,
You've done no service, yeoman,
And can't call yourself human,
Yet a divine angel bears your pall.
--- Anon
Angel sees your moral penury,
Then stung as if by an asp,
The coffin slips from her grasp,
For Satan rules you peremptory.
--- Anon
Have you tried to use tape worms to measure?
There are flat worms and long ones;
There are hook worms and Darwins.
Which the lizard will eat at his leisure.
--- Bob Watson
But his fate nonetheless is much sadder.
From his eyes, blood can shoot,
From his tail he can scoot.
But still he's devoured by the adder.
--- Bob Watson
Coils tightly and quickly unwinds.
But the fangs and the hiss
Can't stifle the bliss
Of the swine who delights as he dines.
--- Bob Watson
While we are kindling the fire.
For soon we'll be makin'
Ham, sausage and bacon,
For sating the human desire.
--- Bob Watson
He complacently moves off to bed.
'Til the reaper comes forth,
Or disease from the North,
And the worm turns; it's time he was fed.
--- Bob Watson
Wrote a thesis and here's what it said:
"We will never grow old,
For we'll starve in the cold,
And in darkness we'll all soon be dead."
--- Bob Birch P0105
I know this is painful, but still,
You won't be down long.
In case I am wrong,
Please tell me if I'm in your will?
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Euthanasia's lethal injection;
Her mind's like a sieve,
She's no reason to live;
And the will is awaiting inspection.
--- Lemuel
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