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They claimed that while once of sound mind, You think that this never could be? And here, I am told, that of late Beware of the "Living Will Bill," The death notice ads I forbear -- I'm in hiding as Kate's unsheathin' The Doc who examined old Fred, "Why six feet down, not five?" asked Clive. There once was a man named Phil, There was an eccentric old boffin, A thrifty old Scot was McSligh; Oh Beth! Beth Beth Beth! Beth Beth Beth! When ready for bed, Mrs Glover, The calendars by Jacob Mumford, "I'm lost in the desert," cried Clyde, As soon as it starts, it is cursed. As slowly sank the Titanic, An elderly person from Ealing, Eat, drink, smoke, fuck, make no fuss; There was an old cynic who said, When my time is over at last, You can say that I'd take any dare -- When my life is finished and o'er, When old Tiddy Ogg meets his end, When I've met my demise, if you please, Throw my ash out there with Arden; We can ponder: from where did we come? Italian Jokes of renown To the hospital went playboy Mose; There was an ill glutton from Slough "My love is both ardent and true. A young man said: "I must confide, When I look at my face in the mirror I've just had a quote, "The Grim Reaper" A Frenchman called Didier Brume Confused was the young Innsmouth feller, What a wonderful, up-beat new spin (investing in Death is looking up - Abraham Karp)
It will never cease to astound Some think the millennium will bring Said Powell, "Don't call me insane. (what's the background for this one? - McW)
Our armies -- It's easy to fill 'em, A guy with a lisp named O'Keefe Have you heard about lithpy O'Keefe, But a twith in thith thaga continueth, Twath on one of the dwinking adventhureth, A terminal patient named Frye If you had but the patience to wait, Verbal communication is awful; The rain forest is doomed to destruction, My wishes are clear: DNR! Let's face it, dear doc, my life's over; I know that you may think it queer, (Do not resuscitate!)
I'm glad, doc, these words you have found. Hey Doc, euthanasia's okay, He thought he was dead and agreed There was an old man from South Bend A heroic, much-decorated colonel A dying old harlot of Butte His elan fades, shrouded in smog, A boastful young fellow of Neath On her deathbed, a nympho named Nash, Both of my grandpas died young; He's bluffing; he must be, I figure; There was a French bard who said, "Hell A sailor on duty got frantic "Doc I'm worried - a short life I fear!" There once was a man named Lloyd,
She'd quite voluntarily signed.
A medic's committee,
If prompted by pity,
Could authorize acts of this kind.
--- Lemuel
Well, wake up and listen to me.
It's happening already,
With pace that is steady;
A short way across the North Sea.
--- Lemuel
They're having some earnest debate;
With raising of thumbs,
The physician becomes
The most dangerous man in the state.
--- Lemuel
Euphemisms get subtler still.
"Allowing to die"
Is a mischievous lie;
It's a license for doctors to kill.
--- Lemuel
They fill me with grief and despair.
I avoid them completely,
Turning pages discreetly,
For fear that I'll find my name there.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2965
A very sharp knife, and she's seethin';
'Cause I'd said, "This New Year
I'll give up swillin' beer,
If you swear that you will give up breathin'.
--- David Miller Q
Sadly shook his head as he said,
"I could give you some pills,
But with all of your ills,
I think you'd be better off dead.
--- Florida Man
"Supposing you are still alive.
And break the latch,
And upward scratch.
You can't at six. You might at five."
--- Irving Superior P8110
Who decided that he'd pay the bill.
He thought it would be nice,
When he looked at the price,
He suddenly became fatally ill.
--- Anon
Who remarked, in a fine fit of coughing:
It isn't the cough
That carries you off,
But the coffin they carries you off in.
--- Anon
He said, "Though it's time that I die,
Since with illness I grieve,
Yet I can't take my leave
On account of the cost, which is high."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2683
We pray for your death death, death death;
And hope that you go
Real painful and slow,
Eating shit, while breathing last breath.
Did note as she pulled back the cover,
That her man, slipping fast,
Was expiring at last,
So she made a quick date with her lover.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0171
Inspired by wild dreams as he slumbered,
Came to an abrupt halt.
It was not Jacob's fault.
It was merely that Jake's days were numbered.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0302
"And I feel that my hide's being fried;
With no water in sight,
I must bide my poor plight!"
Clyde sighed, and then dried till he died.
--- Norm Storer P0604
Life is spent in a wait for the worst.
But in dodging my death,
(If it takes my last breath);
Forever to live I'll be first!
--- Doug Harris P0510Q
Some gentlemen showing no panic--
Afraid not to die--
Unloosen their tie
To swallow more quick the Atlantic.
--- Irving Superior P9401
Went in search of a doctor for healing.
To the doctor he said,
"I'll be fine when I'm dead;
It's the dying I don't find appealing."
--- Richard Long
Follow your heart, follow your lust.
Live and deny
The things "they" decry.
You'll wish for it when hit by "The Bus!"
--- Karen
"Though I don't despise colds in the head,
I get no real thrill
Till I'm dangerously ill,
With friends eating grapes round my bed."
--- Allen M Laing
I don't care what you say of my past;
Say I drank too much
Beer and whiskey and such,
And drove my motorcycle too fast.
--- Kaylin
Any time, any way, any where --
Say I was crazy
Or that I was lazy;
Say whatever you please -- I don't care.
--- Kaylin
Don't care if you call me a whore.
Say I was easy,
Call me cheap and sleazy --
Just don't say that I was a bore!
--- Kaylin
There's no chance that he will ascend.
No, the pit down below
Is the place he will go,
And he'll meet up with all his old friends.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Scatter my ashes on the breeze.
I'll continue to travel
After my life's unraveled,
Given my last earthly squeeze.
--- Arden
Scatter me over the garden.
I've so much enjoyed
And if when deployed
The wind changes, I beg your pardon.
--- Karen
(Far beyond that we sprang from our Mum.)
But no matter the way
That we got here today,
It's a fact: in the end, we succumb.
--- Cap'n Bean P0306
Make Tony come back with a frown.
"I've a riddle for you:
What's black and blue,
And is usually found floating face-down?"
--- John Miller 0078
His rich father was in his last throes.
Cried the son, "What to do?"
Said his dad, turning blue,
"Take your foot off the oxygen hose!"
--- Albin Chaplin
Who was told that his time was up now.
In his fear that once dead
He would not be well-fed,
He consumed sixteen cakes and a cow.
--- David A Brooks Q
I'll die if you don't love me too."
My fervent proposal
Met instant disposal.
"Go ahead. I don't care if you do."
--- Laurence Perrine P9307
That I have a great book inside.
For a work by Jane Austen
Is currently lost in
My lower intestine." He died.
--- Richard Long
And my wife speaks and I cannot hear her.
I think my youth's gone
Like some dying swan.
The grim reaper, methinks, is now nearer.
--- Al Willis P9607
This is file zjm
Now tells me he's increased his fee per
"Arrangement of end".
But if you bring a friend,
He will do it for 10% cheaper.
--- Doug Harris P0606
Had a clear premonition of doom.
So, to hasten his death,
He just held his breath,
And lay, all alone, in a tomb.
--- Michael Palin
About the youth of the average town dweller.
He wondered a lot
Where the old folks had got.
Now he knows and he hides in the cellar.
--- Arthur Levesque
On the people who tuck us all in.
A refreshing new breath
In the business of Death,
Where all us investors can win.
--- John Miller
How things in this world get turned 'round.
Now the end of all pain
Makes great capital gain,
When your assets get put in the ground.
--- John Miller
A triumphal return of the King. (Elvis?)
Would the Y2K bug
Perhaps pull the plug,
When the dead do their uprising thing?
--- John Miller
My policy's perfectly plain
And not at all similar
To that of Herr Himmler --
My final solution's humane.
--- Roger Woddis
If you have the right message to thrill 'em.
See many new faces;
See many new places;
Meet a lot of new people and kill 'em.
--- Anon
Had heart trouble; He ate too much beef.
He was worth forty mill,
Which he wrote in his will:
"I bequeaf to my nephew and neef."
--- Kristen Coughlin T9711
And hith overindulgence in beef.
But his dentitht foretold,
In a manner quithe bold,
He juth needed a new thet of teef!
--- Rick Limmer T9711
When mortithians inthpecthed hith thinewth,
He had roth in his gumth,
From dwinking with bumth,
In leth than motht well-tho-do venueth.
--- Rick Limmer T9711
(Confirmed by some hear-say conjectures)
Thath he thlipped on thum grath
And fell on his ath,
And choked on hith ol'-fathioned denthures!
--- Rick Limmer T9711
Was told by the doctor, he'd die.
The doc said, "I'll give
You two months to live."
Said Frye, "I'll take March and July!"
--- Observer TP9901a
I'd be killed by natural fate.
And yet you still plan
To murder a man
With his hand on the cemetry gate.
--- Blogspot
Too many to often will waffle.
Frustrations then mount
And thus we account
For the wish that a murder was lawful.
--- H E Hoelscher P9012
And wet lands filled in for construction.
The world's end, I'll not bet on,
A big Armageddon,
But disease from sewage pipes obstruction.
--- Bob Birch
Make priests and morticians stay far
From my body, which may
Be used any way;
My remains can go in a jar.
--- John Miller
It's time I start feeding the clover.
So doc, can you tell
Whoever the hell,
To save the priest's blessings, moreover.
--- Nawahl
But please, doc, by all you hold dear,
Before you do your worst,
Won't you, kinkly, first
Quickly and deeply cut here.
--- Cyber Wizard
If I'm comatose, don't bring me 'round.
And surely a priest
Is what I want least;
Just dump me, like trash, in the ground.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So don't keep the reaper at bay.
To priest and mortician,
I shun superstitution,
So throw cross and rosary away.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To let a good shrink intercede.
The Doc cut his vein,
And he felt no pain.
He said, "Gosh, I'm not dead, 'cause I bleed!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who knew he was nearing his end,
And he said to his wife,
"Looking back on my life,
You are something I didn't intend."
--- Lims Unlimited
Has departed for regions infernal.
What he did is a mystery,
Except in the history
Pages of the Infantry Journal.
--- Ed C Wolfert P8201
Had logic one cannot refute.
When a man offered five,
The old whore came alive
And she said, "I'm not prone to dispute."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1465
And then suddenly through the dense fog,
As his spirit took flight
In the tunnel's white light,
Framed in aura, there was a Sandhog.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9803
Once hung from the roof by his teeth;
A very large crowd
First cheered him quite loud
Then passed 'round the hat for a wreath.
--- Frank Richards P0211
Said, "I've always been free with my gash.
So cremate, then sift
What remains as a gift
To provide guys with a last piece of ash.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
The song of long life has been sung
By grandmother's side.
Life's ladder I stride,
And still have not reached the last rung.
--- Frank
Although I can see he's much bigger.
He's Alice's dad
So he can't be too bad...
Ohmygod! Now he's squeezing the trigger!
--- Peter Wilkins
This life's a perpetual farewell.
The new-born's first sigh,
Is a sort of goodbye,
And Death's always ringing the bell."
--- Towanbucket
When he fell in the briny Atlantic.
After hours in the sea
He was saved, yes-sir-ee,
And was hoisted aboard the Titanic.
--- Ann Gasser P8706
"Well don't fret, just give up smokes and beer,
And stop sex with your wife."
"Will that lengthen my life?"
"Well it will make days seem like years."
--- Anon
Whose lifestyle was one to avoid.
He married and married,
His wives he then buried.
Soon after, then next he enjoyed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
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