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The corpse of Penelope Wise I've heard that all Dodo's have died, (Jill Dando - BBC presenter shot 1999)
There once was a Mexican mummy An old undertaker named Carrier Morticians are deft and demure; A man with no friends one day said, His was smoothest booze; he, greatest guy A mumified corpse did endure (baby mummy found in Norwich, CT)
A disposer or corpses, we've learned: There was a grave digger named Terry Though that old libertine Henry Wace There once was a loner named Paul Here lies that unfortunate bitch, A stiff in a coffin named Jake, If I die when I'm walking around, At the wake of a woman named Faye, Ten times in my life I gave birth, Old Arch's departure was grand, Her body defines the word, Art; My Granddad of earlier days When alive, I made such a sound Mort's a rigger. Embalmers support his When I'm dead, I just want to fry; Toward men, an old virgin named Moffin, When screwing a widow who's grieving, Hubby wants to be buried at sea; An old skeleton known as Steve, The self-styled old clergyman Crist, A crossword addict named Moss, Since "sleeping on the marble bed" "To sleep on marble slab" must be Here lies old Daniel McGraw, When I'm dead, there'll be no need to moan, "At the door of the whorehouse they found Here we are for your final farewell An old geezer who can't hear it thunder, There was a young man nicknamed Ed, The Rana's relict, the Ranee, An author who died in Four Corners My life will quite soon be all over. Though not too attracted to bungin', Oh, you ran out on me, Cindy Lou, (gravedigger's lament)
On days when my brain is inert, Here's Brian Vaughan's mortal remains A new Egyptologist, Bruins, The faces on gravestones were crumbling; Here's Ogg, macerated, don't weep, Aging's alternative's boring... The worms crawl in and crawl out. There was a young man of Nunhead, There once was a fellow named Fern, The maid to the late Mr. Groover Here's Carolyn May's last request: And while she was living, this miss In Baker, the baker Ben Baker "I'm preparing to go meet the Lord," It was an unusual affair, (AP story from Tiverton, RI, 1998)
The cadaver of David A Bold A funeral director, Bud Spears Oh, it's such a shame 'bout old John; Penelope looked so divine When I'm buried, for crying out loud, "Whenever," says mortician Snive, The last will of Horace P. Grone: Body container, SARCOPHAGUS, SARCOPHAGUS, is stone you see, An exhausted old fanner named Fred
Was covered with maggots and flies,
She had vanishing skin
Showing organs within,
And holes where there used to be eyes.
--- Cap'n Bean P0502
And Dodi and Di had NO pride;
Jill Dando was shot
But Dido was not!
And THAT is when everyone cried.
Who didn't find death very funny.
So his tears wet his eyes
And the gauze wicked them dry,
And his skin remained gluey and gummy.
--- Anon
Prepared a cadaver to bury her.
They brought four more that night
And he cried in delight;
"The more that they bring in, the merrier."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2862
Their clients, I gather, concur;
They always behave
In a manner guite grave
And they "never say die" (as it were).
--- LaDonna Jones P8503
"When I was in need, they all fled.
Friends will help you move house,
Or they will share your spouse,
But real friends help you to move the dead."
--- Cyber Wizard
Never dreamed he would suddenly die
Graveside rites became famous
Final toast overcame us
The most apt, "Here's mud in your eye.
--- Esther Koch P0112
In the home of old lady McClure.
A baby forbidden?
A secret well hidden?
Of the facts we will never be sure.
--- Cap'n Bean P0204
His income was not duly earned;
He collected the dead,
But he grossly misled,
For the bodies have never been burned.
--- Cap'n Bean P0203
Whose job made him cheerful and merry.
"It's peaceful," he said.
No complaints from the dead
They're really nice people to bury."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Has found an ideal trysting place
Where gossip or prude
Will never intrude,
He has no floozy now to embrace.
--- A N Wilkins P8702
Whose funeral service was small;
If it weren't for the priest
And the person deceased,
There'd be no one attending at all.
--- Cap'n Bean P0201
She's gone now, thank God, what a witch!
Left us not one penny,
Although she had plenty,
So we'll bury her here in this ditch.
--- Anon
He opened his eyes at his wake.
Then he jumped to the floor
Amidst fainting galore,
Saying, "DAMN, there has been a mistake!"
--- Cap'n Bean P0305
Then my body will land on the ground.
If I die on the moon,
I'll be like a balloon,
And who knows where my corpse will be found.
--- Cap'n Bean
Her corpse had been put on display.
But commotion ensued
As her body was viewed,
When her dog came and dragged it away.
--- Cap'n Bean P0503
Now I am down here in the cold earth.
If you could hear my voice,
This would be my last choice:
One "first coming" was all the rest's worth.
--- Big Mama
Though some of the details are banned.
For he met his fate
At one hundred and eight,
When shot by an outraged husband.
--- Archie
A beauty to the mind, soul and heart.
I long for the day
That in a coffin I lay,
So we may never again be apart.
--- Portero
Spent his life on a corn whiskey craze.
Thoughts of burial he hated,
So we had him cremated.
It took three days to put out the blaze.
--- Frank Ward P9311A
It would make the whole valley resound.
Now sound, sound asleep,
Strict silence I keep,
No decibels toll underground.
--- Laurence Perrine P8702
Fine work rigging crypts which his forte is.
His brother works too
As a rigger, it's true,
But he's surely not the rigger Mort is.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9206
Don't want any worms to drop by.
Just scatter my dust,
And when there's a gust,
You'll hear, "I've got Jim stuck in my eye."
--- Cheryl
Her attitude never would soften.
She was laid out in grace
With a smile on her face --
In the end she was screwed in her coffin.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2998
Remind her that you will be leaving
Right after the coffin
Is buried, and boffin'
Prepares her for 'mourner' receiving.
--- Anon
I guess that it's okay with me --
I'll just set him afloat,
Just him and his boat,
Forever...! How happy he'll be!
--- Kaylin
Thought, "No one ever comes here to grieve.
They're probablly scoffin'
At me in my coffin.
If I had any guts, I would leave!"
--- Observer
To speak at a wake would insist.
And the corpse, we should mention,
Sat erect at attention,
For no person his speech would have missed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2528
Had an adverse reaction to sauce.
It was spicy and hot;
He choked there on the spot,
Now he's buried six down, three across.
--- Observer
Can only mean that you are dead.
No tossing, no turning,
No more blanket yearning.
And no more alarm clock to dread.
--- Irving Superior P9806
A down-and-outers hostelry,
Where the homeless hie
On graveside slabs lie,
If they're set horizontally.
--- Irving Superior P9806
Who's unfortunately started to thaw.
He was brought here on ice,
But the smell's not too nice,
Since he's moved on to rotten from raw.
--- John Miller
Just bury me next to my phone.
To waken my slumber,
Just dial my number,
And speak to me after the tone.
--- Richard Long
This is file zlm
You, George, so we'll drill in the ground,
A spiral," his wife
Said, "All of your life
Was spent simply screwing around."
--- Anon
For your journey to Heaven or Hell.
But we won't keep you long,
Just a prayer and a song,
'Cause I think you're beginning to smell.
--- David Axton
Took Viagra and looked down in wonder.
His pajamas had burst!
It so frightened his nurse,
She died and is now six feet under!
--- Anon
Who found he was surrounded by dead.
How did this come to pass?
He was in a graveyard, you ass!
He'd just buried his twin brother Ted.
--- William K Alsop Jr
When told she must practice suttee,
Said, "I'd like to know why;
I'd no use for the guy;
Such acts burn me up," noted she.
--- Armand E Singer 614
Was believed to have only three mourners:
An editor, male,
A creditor, pale,
And a pretty young usher at Warner's.
--- Lims Unlimited
Now you'll ask exactly what drove'er?
It's nothing at all,.
But only my fall.
On my tomb, just throw down a clover.
--- Jillian
He loved giving her a good toungin'.
He'd wait and he'd wait
'Til he'd got her real straight.
To bad he died while such a young 'un.
--- Cyber Wizard
But you'll come back to me, they always do.
And you won't be so gay,
When I laying you away,
And I shovel dirt on you, Cindy Lou.
--- Tom K Ryan
I think about my Uncle Bert.
It's no inspiration
But some consolation,
His brain's six feet under the dirt.
--- Tony Burrell
Which were brought here by seventeen cranes,
To a hole that's so big
It took eight years to dig,
And still only holds Brian's brains.
--- John Miller
On his first day of work at the doin's,
Behaved like a dummy
When he cried for his mummy,
And it seemed his career was in ruins.
--- Don Moore P0502
The Cadillac hearse had been rumbling,
Looking black and immense
By the wrought iron fence;
With emotions, the widow was fumbling.
--- Cap'n Bean P0510Q
Though memories fond you may keep.
He died of poor sight,
'Cause one summer's night,
He rogered a wolf not a sheep.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Just silence, no chatting, no scoring!
In your little pine box
'Neath the earth, 'neath the rocks,
With the worms and the bettles a-boring.
--- Tutta Gioia
Don't eat that! It had the gout!
They want something yummy
Like fudge in your tummy,
They'd eat it embalmed, without doubt.
--- Anon
Who awoke in his coffin of lead.
"It's cozy enough,"
He remarked in a huff,
"But I wasn't aware I was dead."
--- Hamlyn Book of Horror
Who died from a terrible burn;
His widow now weeps,
And his ashes she keeps
On her mantel, inside of an urn.
--- Cap'n Bean P0800
Was vacuuming close by the louver;
She made a quick turn,
Knocking over his urn,
And his ashes got sucked by the Hoover.
--- Cap'n Bean P0207
"Now men, you know what I loved best,
So climb in my coffin,
For one final boffin'.
Come one and all, please be my guest.
Would spurn me on many a kiss.
For insults she gave,
I stood at her grave,
Relieving myself with a piss.
Asked Bob, Baker's bone undertaker,
To build his wife's bier
With room for her rear,
And make it so no one could wake 'er.
--- Travis Brasell
Said a sickly old fellow named Ford,
"To be buried at sea
Seems the best way to me,
But I don't want to go overboard."
--- Graham Lester
But the story's a true one, I swear;
For a woman named Rose,
It seems that she chose
To be buried inside her Corvair.
--- Cap'n Bean P9807
Was interred in a casket of gold
'Till a thief robbed the grave,
And discarded ol' Dave,
But the casket was handsomely sold.
--- Cap'n Bean P0407
Thinks his work is the best of careers.
You won't need him often.
He sells a mean coffin;
That's the reason he's the King of Biers.
--- Tom Patton P0303
Too bad that his wife was a blonde.
Set the oven, you see,
At nine hundred degrees.
Of her ashes, though, he is still fond.
--- Q
In her casket of linens and pine;
Her beautiful face
Had an elegant grace;
The dress she was wearing was wine.
--- Cap'n Bean P0506
Don't spend very much; I'm not proud.
Use a white gunnysack,
All front and no back.
They call it a cheap pauper's shroud.
--- Al Willis T9707
"Folks fear being buried alive,
I will if the ask it,
Install in the casket
A phone just in case they revive."
--- Irving Superior P8503
Inside of my casket, a phone,
In cast the physician
Or else the mortician
To errors in judgment is prone.
--- Irving Superior P9802
Protects same from athropophagus.
But both are unsound
For environ's ground,
Where planting supports asparagus.
--- Daniel Ford
Where some folks prefer to be,
Buried for ages,
As old world still rages,
Just spinning to eternity.
--- Chris Papa
Had been sleeping the sleep of the dead,
Looking highly deceased,
On his farm in the east,
In the coffin he used for a bed.
--- Cap'n Bean P0501
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