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There was a young outlaw who cried, The saga of Bonnie and Clyde. "Miss Clark," remarked Christopher Dardon, Dick Turpin (renowned for his stick-ups) On Horsey Black Bess he would ride, Dick Turpin, the highwayman bold, Dick Turpin, a highwayman coarse, The remarkable Hercule Poirot As the years passed, old J. Edgar saw Though he'd sworn to enforce our land's law, Her boss, J. Edgar Hoover, said, "Bess, My name is J. Edgar, the mover A spinster who lived in Vancouver If you've read up on gangsters then you'll Mr Keating said, "Kids, life is fraught To the U.S. court's consternation, They asked her, "What are you concealing?" Poor Martha with her golden locks, (Martha Stewart) Will there be amercing enough? Now Miss Herman is under the gun Poirot with his little grey cells, A merchant, attacked in the wood, There was a young fellow named Goetz, Willie Sutton, the bank robbing whiz, A convict who's very well bred Said "Mushmouth," who talks with a stammer, The majority leader Bill Frist While cuddled up under the blanket, A bank president Albert Dormerly, When the inmates were put on a diet, I just spent the whole night in jail; So a whole sleepless night I have passed, It's not as if I dealt in drugs; If you fear that your visit will send 'Tween the miners, the trains, and the ile, (Biggs of Great Train Robbery get visits from paramour)
There once was a con from Mt. Hope Said an inmate, young Baby-Face Jones, Once hot, I'm now thought uncool; In my bunk as I stare at the walls, A gay English convict was wishin' Convicted of sexual attacks, (lost weight and squeezed through the bars)
Inside-trading horologist Kent, "In case you've been looking for me, A prisoner was given a cake "Jail reform," said the warden at Folsom, There now is a convict named Dwight (LIMSIG - limerick special interest group)
I did time in a prison in Lee; Perhaps if I were more adaptive, At the Greek digs Hoyt supervised yearly, An inmate of Kingston's old pen Undertakers and sellers of cars; The coddling a prison now does, There once was a man named Magellan At her work, matron carries a bleeper; Mused a fellow who languished in jail, Though I never owned autos, nor went in A penniless bum from El Monte There was a young hoodlum named Troy; The newly-built House of Correction There once was a man named Stan To his wife, an old con, Fingers Cotton, An expert safecracker with brawn, There was a safecracker named Knox, California is playing for keeps, That Fool sent five bucks to some crook, A con man who couldn't post bail A wily old inmate named Bing
When he hadn't a boy by his side.
And as for his moll,
She slept with a doll;
That's the Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde.
--- Anon
They robbed and they killed and they died.
About to expire,
With voices of ire,
"That bulletproof vest salesman lied."
--- Irving Superior P9002
"No doubt you are keeping a guard on
Your feminine virtue,
But with that cheap shirt, you
Explain the demise of my hard-on."
--- Arthur Deex
Was hopeless at girlie-type pick-ups;
Forsooth, it's the truth;
He had had since his youth,
A continuous bout with the hiccups.
--- Peter Wilkins
And many's the hold-up he tried.
When victim's dissention
Meant armed intervention,
He'd shoot, hic; the shot would go wide.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was under the thumb of a scold;
His "stand and deliver"
Was uttered with shivers
Of fear for his life, truth be told.
--- Peter Wilkins
Was chased by the law in full force.
Then this famous dork
Rode all the way to York,
And totally knackered his horse.
--- Tony Burrell
Attacked by a horny marrow,
Said, "I've got your number,
You saucy cucumber!
I'll see you the same time tomorrow."
--- Bill Wall
He was hated and not held in awe.
Still no one dared disclose
That he wore women's clothes,
This in spite of a gross figure flaw.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9805a
It was known Old J. Ed had a flaw.
At home he'd spend hours
Sipping Whiskey Sours,
In a Maidenform he'd pinched from Ma.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9805
I want straight talk, the truth, nothing less!
I called you in here
For one question, my dear:
Do you think I look fat in this dress?"
--- Michael Weinstein P0411
And shaker. And unlike one goober,
I took to my grave
The spit on my stave,
And name of my favorite Hoover.
--- Anon
Claimed pornography never would move her.
But she got a hot twat
When she spotted a shot
Of the testes of J. Edgar Hoover.
--- G2543
Have heard of John Dillinger's tool.
It was rumoured his dong
Measured twelve inches long
But he didn't use it as a rule.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9002
With things to avoid and you ought
To prevent serving time,
Though you have done the crime,
Just be careful and never get caught."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9508
Martha sold on inside information.
Her deal was crooked;
Her goose was cooked;
Unsavory concatenation.
--- Fran Morris
It was then Martha hit the ceiling!
She didn't say why
She told that small lie;
It at least made Martha appealing.
--- Tom Patton
Is in for the rudest of shocks,
When law CONCATENATES
Her jail fellow mates,
All pounding small pebbles from rocks.
--- Chris Papa
Will judge hand down sentence real rough?
'Cause our cooking star,
Caught with hand in the jar,
Getting rich on that "insider" stuff.
--- Chris Papa
For wrongdoing some say she has done.
Influence in exchange
For checks, cash, and change,
Will buy grief that the girl can't outrun!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Puts crime into neat tidy nutshells.
With elegant presence,
He lends his own brilliance
To Japp and those other Yard dumbbells.
--- Anon
Told his captors, "You're robbing the good!"
Laughed their leader, "Pshaw!
We favor the poor --
But you're rich, and I'm Robin the Hood.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who said he was mugged and it hurts.
The next time a gang
Attacked him, it was BANG!
His assailants got their just desserts.
--- Alexander Baron
While it wasn't a part of a quiz,
Was asked why he robbed banks.
"Well, it transcends mere pranks,"
He replied, "That's where the money is."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0211
Said, "I'm sad when I must go to bed.
To change my condition,
Won't you sign my petition,
To make this dull prison co-ed?"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Tom Delay, who is called the hammer,
Today was indicted.
I'm really delighted;
He'll soon join us here in the slammer.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
In the cookie jar caught with his fist,
They're checking him out,
So without a doubt,
He's first on our reservation list.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Alf softly whispered, "Dear Hank, it
Is rare to complain
About balls and a chain,
But the warden will hear if you clank it.
--- H Myers T9801a
Left his post one day, rather abnormally,
When the word got around,
A newspaper had found
He was called 64891 formerly.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
The whole prison did threaten to riot.
But the warden (mean dude),
"If you want more food,
I'm afraid that you'll now have to buy it."
--- Thomas G Heller P9504
The judge he refused to give bail.
They've shaven my head;
There's a plank for a bed;
And my cellmate's a pervert called Hale.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Maintaining my buttocks clenched fast.
With my back to the wall,
To give no chance at all,
For that faggot to get at my ass.
--- Tiddy Ogg
It was all about sweet little bugs!
If you made a mistake
Then a file in a cake
Might help me get out of the jug.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file zfm
The wrong message, don't worry, my friend.
You can come anytime;
Just commit any crime.
In the Big House, you'll never offend.
--- R G Trepanier
We'll be troubled for quite a long while.
With high prices to meet,
We'll be oot on the street.
We'd be better like Biggs -- in the jile.
--- R Hendrie (Bibby)
With prison he just couldn't cope.
Till he found a fine friend,
Straight to the end,
By repeatedly dropping the soap.
--- Bill Casey
"In the joint, a guy risks all he owns;
Prison life can be hard
Being always on guard
For mad dogs out to bury their bones."
--- Ann Gasser P8909
The liberals think I'm a fool.
Saying Clinton (the worm)
Needs a long prison term,
(Gracious! Prison for criminals is CRUEL!)
--- Anon
I can hear the guards pacing the halls.
In the cellblock above,
There are guys that I love,
But they've threatened to cut off my ... calls.
--- Bob Birch P9806
For sex from a mate, asked permission.
Result, life expended,
So that he ended
His sentence with a proposition.
--- Tom Patton P9608
He's lost weight by not eating snacks,
And escaped through a small hole
But to find Robert Cole,
Search MacDonalds and then Hungry Jacks.
--- David Miller
In the country club prison at Trent,
Said, "This thing is so wrong,
But I won't be here long,
Having diagramed my escapement."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0204
I'm in jail," sniveled Johnny McGee.
Inquired his wife Marge,
"And what is the charge?"
"Oh nothing dear, everything's free!"
--- Observer
With a file to help with a jail break.
Asked if he got the rasp,
His voice came with a gasp,
The x-rays showed why I had a gut ache!!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
"Means the men can play polo or bowl some.
We have therapy sessions
And give mahjong lessons --
But the food that we serve's still unwholesome."
--- Arthur Deex P8908
Whose hobby -- to LIMSIG he'd write.
"What three-time convicts shun
Is a fourth conviction."
A lifetime to meter it right.
--- Irving Superior P8911
It sure made a believer of me:
I was had from the rear,
In my mouth, in my ear,
I became the prime butt, the fuckee!
--- Armand E Singer 316
I would no longer be held a captive.
Good luck could prevail
And I'd get out of jail,
And with nonsense again, could be active.
--- Gerry Busch
They found one prison furnished austerely.
Two felons inside
Were both petrified,
Having been hardened criminals clearly.
--- A N Wilkins P9206
For freedom developed a yen;
He got over the wall
With no trouble at all,
By sheer levitation and Zen.
--- R S Sudbury, Ontario 55b
Doctors, lawyers, and super sport stars;
With Clinton and Gates,
Should all be roommates,
Spending quality time behind bars.
--- John Miller 0361d
Has the press all, irately abuzz.
The cons are disdainful,
For jail is less painful,
That being picked up by the fuzz.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9406
Who became a serious felon.
For without any bail,
He was thrown into jail;
A week later he was known just as Helen.
--- Daniel Holland
At night she's not even a sleeper.
As she hears its sweet tone,
She must go to a phone,
And say "Am I my sister's keeper?"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
"I will make, ere I leave, without fail,
The prison chess team,
The warden's wife scream,
An appeal, my two cellmates, and bail."
--- Arthur Deex P8909
Search of Easter eggs, my life's spent in
Making tin license plates,
In twelve pens in ten states,
And cane baskets from Chino to Trenton.
--- Drunk Driver Right P0410
Made plans to bump off his rich aunty.
Through a twist of the fates,
He now makes license plates:
While his aunty's hale, hearty, and jaunty.
--- Don Boen P8112
With graffiti he chose to destroy.
Sentenced to jail,
The judge said, "No bail!
Give old cons a new toy to enjoy!"
--- Observer
Was a model for penal perfection;
In the whole women's wing,
The most punishing thing,
Was the lack of penile erection.
--- Ann Gasser P8909
Arrested and jailed by the man.
He used his cock
To pick the lock
And let himself out of the can.
--- Puff Adder
Wrote, "Darling, I haven't forgotten
Your lovely blue eyes
And your veal-and-ham pies --
Them mostly, as the grub here is rotten.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Was caught at his work before dawn.
Though he paid for his deeds,
His epitaph reads,
"Here lies both a pro and a con."
--- Macsam
Who was caught while blowing a box.
Through no fault of his'n,
He then went to prison,
Where he learned at the school of hard knocks.
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0305
To lock up its low-lifes and creeps.
Two-hundred to life,
I hope you survive;
What you sow in due course, you must reap.
--- Dr Limerick
Then spammed us and said to us, "Look,
Please send me your money,
It's legal, not funny;"
In the jail, just for him, there's a nook!
--- Anon
Sent a message from prison in Braille.
His blind friend who read it
Gets all of the credit
For springing his pal out of jail.
--- Ismite
Dug a hole to escape from Sing Sing.
Once he cleared the guard towers,
He araose in some flowers
Saying, "How nice to be sprung in the spring!"
--- Robbabe
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