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A pilfering hill-billy named Lissen There once was a bartender, Nate, (in Ellery Queen magazine)
Some Teamster Union presidents I lured this young girl with a wink, John Miller's been tried for the crime, Jails cost a lot, I would guess. In prison an inmate named Bell,. I went to the match with my brother; A family historian called Kline My auditor poured through my books, Think "Last-In-First Out" -- it's your LIFO; If Anderson's bought by Leloitte, The handcuffed chairman of Adelphia, The top guys aren't nothing but crooks; Halliburton said "We're a big earner." An auditor checking the books If you ask them to cheat, they will dig ya; "At Enron they hired some cooks." As the stock market's starting to totter A crooked accountant named Payne They claim that they followed the rules, A businessman who I've called Shane, Unlike earlier energy crises, At Enron, bigwigs made a killing, This wily old crook from Toronto Insider loans to execs We heard of the verdict today What a picture Wall Street Journal paints; A most bounteous curse be upon thee, Reincorporation, Bermuda, A patriot must obey laws A broker with a wonderful scheme Two charlatans, Montrose and Kellum, Two degenerates, Skilling and Lay, (ENRON scandal, early 2000's)
There was a young copper named Kent, Five years ago, on London Road This toad was always selling weed, People Against Gangsters And Drugs It wasn't my aim to mislead, I turned it just as you suggested, The cop cuffed my hands around back You must have an ass huge and wide, I like my shorts roomy, my sweet. But back to the problem of bail. You've got yourself in one fine mess; I know just a little French tongue This Rusty ain't our Cyber Wiz, They've thoroughly searched through my shorts So now I am leaving from France And how are you going to get here? The drug lords have pulled out all stops If some druggie is shooting up shit, "Just chasing the drivers who speed Two travelers, Peter and Ray, (discovered by Jerry Nordal)
A burglar named Picklock once made up a list Never have I in my life The weather outside is so frightful; "I'll burn this house to the ground, A sparkling young fellow named Krauss The Fire Chief we have is a bright one; I'd move from this house if I could, An odd-looking guy from Beruit He's just not a sociable sort; He went down to the creek and he panned it, I saw roofers up fixing the eaves A blonde in a bank in Kentucky
Spent twenty-two years in prison.
Each time out of jail,
On parole he would fail
To leave alone what wasn't his'n.
--- Warrick Elrod
Who stole from the till one night, late.
He should feel right at home,
For although he can't roam,
Spending time behind bars is his fate.
--- Mary A. Brooks P9108
Are careless with the evidence
And therefore must endure
A lot of horse manure
As U.S. Prison residents.
--- Irving Superior P8608
And brought her right up to the brink.
I set her on fire
Right through the barbed wire...
Not bad for a guy in the clink!
--- Anon
Of stealing a really bad rhyme!
After years in his cell
He forgets now to tell,
As 'girl' she was only part-time.
--- Anon
College, they say, cost much less.
But the jails have TV
And three o'clock tea,
And comfy rooms, bums use for chess.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Thought: If I escape, all is well.
But what he found outside
Made him quickly decide
To go back and stay safe in his cell.
--- Warrick Elrod P0412
And one thing just led to another.
We got into a fight,
And in jail late that night,
I thought, "What are we going to tell mother?"
--- John Fernbank
Whilst researching his family line,
Found grandfather, grandmother,
His aunt and some others
Banged up in the nick doing time.
--- John Sandilands, Blenheim
And after some long second looks,
He says to me, "Trav,
I'm certain you have
Been robbed by some fraudulent crooks!"
--- Travis Brasell
Think "First-In-First-Out" -- it's your FIFO.
"I get it," I said,
"And when I'm in bed,
Think "Wurst-In-First-Out" -- it's my WIFO!
--- Travis Brasell
There's potential there to exploit;
But they'll have to discharge
Liabilities large,
By legal means quick and adroit.
--- Dr Limerick 03-11-02
While leaving his home in Chelsea,
Said, "I feel all in all,
After taking this fall,
I'd rather be in Philadelphia."
--- Tom Patton P0209
The accountants finagle the books.
Foreign investors
And human egg-nesters,
Figured out they've been taken for schnooks.
--- Dr Limerick
Their accountant's a very fast learner.
When the books he was cooking
Were not so good looking,
He switched to a much better burner.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0409
Of WorldCom has earned dirty looks,
For composing a simile
Concealing, though dimile,
About cops who were booking the cooks.
--- Arthur Deex P0208
Your corporate accounts they will rig ya.
The Anderson guy
Says, "Figures don't lie."
But he taught us that liars can figure.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
Said Ken, who was chief of the crooks.
"For the kitchen," said Jeff,
"We still need a chef.
The cooks are for cooking the books."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
With tales of each corporate rotter,
In the TIMES "Business Day",
I'm prompted to say
It reads like an old police blotter.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0301
Would two sets of ledgers maintain.
One ledger would show
Why profits were low;
The other, his legerdemain.
--- Irving Superior P8503
But used fraudulent bookkeeping tools;
Rules by thieves to aid crooks
In cooking their books,
And made the small stockholders fools.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
In his office he'd start to raise cain.
His C.E.O., a bright lad,
Said his boss had gone mad,
And the business would go down the drain!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
The whys of our current current prices
Are Cal's inept regime,
And weather extremes;
Trust the market is what my advice is.
--- Dr Limerick 03-29-01
With the help of CEO Skilling.
They are bunches of crooks
Who cooked company books.
A false profit will lead to their grilling.
--- Tom Patton P0502
(Whatever the scam, he is on to)
Will get your attention,
Promote some invention,
And grab all your assets, muy pronto.
--- Armand Singer
May be second only to sex,
As primeval drive
For execs to survive,
With the lifestyle each one expects.
--- Dr Limerick
And we're certain that Ken isn't gay.
His post notwithstanding,
Where Kenny Boy's landing,
He's certain to be someone's Lay.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0608
The investor checks his stocks and faints.
To VPs and CEOs
Is where the money goes;
They make robber barons look like saints.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
Disinterring this scheme of old Ponzi!
Once thy hand's on my dough,
Then away thou shalt go,
While announcing, "The money's all gone, see!"
--- Anon
Tempts corporate barracuda;
It's unpatriotic,
And quite idiotic,
'Cause when we get the chance, you'll get screwed-a.
--- Dr Limerick 05-18-02
And subsidize the eagle's claws.
But the complexity
Of the Tax Code, to me
Means it's okay to exploit its flaws.
--- Dr Limerick 05-18-02
Was driven to a final extreme.
As he leapt to his end,
From the flat of his friend,
His last scheme proved to be a pipe-dream.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Create fake degrees and then sell 'em.
They claim they use sheep skin.
Dupes find, to their chagrin,
That these cheaters are both anti-vellum.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0511Q
This is file zem
Have concluded their court's passion play.
Though found guilty as charged
They emerged, smiles enlarged,
For they know they'll not serve out one day.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0607
Who in modern day parlance was bent.
In a recent drug bust
His career hit the dust,
As it showed up the source of his rent!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
A terrible hap did unfold.
Children were crying
As bullets were flying
To rid Cape Town of a hideous toad.
--- Nawahl
Cocaine, mandrake, and poppy seed.
PAGAD took action
For their dissatisfaction,
And the druglords relentless greed.
--- Nawahl
Were made out to be a bunch of thugs.
But the PAGAD four
Are guilty no more,
Of murdering King of the Lugs.
--- Nawahl
But I do not think you can read.
The map's upside down.
Just turn it around,
And don't get caught in some yak stampede.
--- Carol
But still think your map needs protested.
'Cause now I'm in France
Instead of your pants,
And worse off since I've been arrested.
--- Jon Gearhart
And with his stick gave me a whack.
He claims that I'm smug-
Gling high powered drugs;
In my shorts he found twelve pounds of crack...
--- Jon Gearhart
To smuggle that much crack inside.
Your droopy-ass drawers,
From the big and tall stores,
Has its own zip-code on each side.
--- Carol
So they don't constrict on my meat.
But the cop who arrested
Quite quickly suggested
He thought my shorts tight in the seat....(in deceit)
--- Jon Gearhart
I'm stuck in a faraway jail,
In a cell smelling musty
With a cellmate named Rusty,
Who too, has an eye for de tail.
--- Jon Gearhart
How you get out is anyone's guess.
In all of that stench,
You best learn some French,
Or you'll have a brand new address.
--- Carol
(Of which many praises you've sung!)
But it won't help me here
'Cause I'm not a queer
And don't like my bedmates well hung.
--- Jon Gearhart
That's trying to give me the biz.
He's just some French con
Who like Jane and Jon --
If Tom's dick was hairy, he'd jizz.
--- Jon Gearhart
And found only stains to report.
They dropped all the charges.
Said one of the sarges,
"The crack wouldn't hold up in court."
--- Jon Gearhart
With thoughts in my head of romance.
I'll soon be arriving
To do som muff diving,
In MD and Carol and pants.
--- Jon Gearhart
Fold your arms, blink your eyes, and appear,
Right here at my door?
And I don't think your
Nose twitching will work either, dear.
--- Carol
And are bringing in more and more crops.
Since they, friends report,
Give bucks to support
Bill Bennett and his Keystone Cops.
--- A N Wilkins P9002
Aims his Uzi and people get hit,
Out of ammo, he flees,
But is brought to his knees,
He just might get roughed up a bit
--- Ann Gasser P9406
Is safer", said Officer Reed,
"Than putting out feelers
To capture the dealers
That traffic in cocaine and weed."
--- Cap'n Bean
Allegedly sought to purvey
Some pot in the park,
But too quick to say "Narc!"
Ranger Bob came and ruined their day.
--- Arcata Police Log P0302
Of items to pilfer that wouldn't be missed.
A sly little elf,
He titled himself
An "Unauthorized Access Technologist".
--- Monique de Plume
Been attacked by a man with a knife.
Please don't stab me now,
I've no money anyhow;
If your bored you can go rape my wife!
--- Eugene L.
The big fire I built is delightful.
The firemen have come
Just to save that bum,
Whose house I burned down to be spiteful.
--- Marty
And then I will burn Chinatown.
When I get some more matches,
I'll terrify Natchez.
I gotta stop arson around."
--- Al Willis P9805
Had feelings no person could douse.
His aim and desire:
"Set the whole world on fire."
He was caught when he burned his first house.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2650
He has studied the fire and can fight one.
But the Mayor, so brief,
Said, "We need a new chief;
What we need is a man who can light one!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2473
To a house that's in East Hollywood.
The guy who's next door
Just robbed a chain store.
The call him the bad neighbor hood.
--- Al Willis P9709
Held up banks in a bright-yellow suit;
More bizarre though by far,
He would wave a cigar,
Shouting, "Freeze there, or else I'll cheroot."
--- Peter Wilkins
He considers word hunting a sport.
Heels are built in his shoes.
Height he'll reach, he can choose.
He robs banks, swears he won't be caught short.
--- Esther Koch P0304
Just as he carefully planned it.
Put all of his gold
In the bank for to hold,
Where it was then stole by a bandit.
--- Rory Ewins
At the bank, while a gardener raked leaves,
And a plumber found fault
With the pipes near the vault.
Now wait! Don't tell me I saw thieves?
--- Prof M-G
Confronted a robber -- how plucky!
But got shot in the head,
Yet she still isn't dead,
For her mind was a blank -- that was lucky.
--- Graham Lester
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