The queen in the closet sits moping
Each morning, but she is still hoping
That she'll have more chances
To hold the stiff lances
Of young palace guards whom she's groping.
--- Travis Brasell

In bed the new queen spread her feet
And awaited the king's royal treat.
When the king had undressed,
Said the queen, much impressed,
"It is mete that we meet to meet meat."
--- Albin Chaplin

Sighed the Queen to a sheep-tending vassal,
Ere she sneaked her way back to the castle:
"Both my mouth and my quim
Will perform at your whim;
And besides, handsome vassal, my ass'll."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

The Empress cried out, "Name of Venus!
You kill a poor seal for its penis!"
The Emperor shot back,
"Sans aphrodisiac,
There'd be no hard feelings between us!"
--- Anon V

Said the Queen to the King, "I don't frown on
The fact that you choose to go down on
My page on the stairs
But you'll give the boy airs
If you will do the job with your crown on."
--- W H Auden

They hailed her as Vivat Regina!
One night on an old ocean liner,
A jolly jack tar
He went one step too far,
And it's a hell of a long way to China.
--- Kevin Hale Q

The King saw a girl from his tower,
As pretty and sweet as a flower.
So the first day in May
She was Queen for a day,
But she barely was good for an hour.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8305

On good old Malaya's shore
Lived a queen with the tastes of a whore.
When asked to cohabit,
She would fuck like a rabbit
'Gainst the sidewalls, the ceiling, or floor.
--- G0758

To the eunuch, the Queen of Siam
Cried, "Fuck me, O nutless Big Sam!
Behind or in front,
Either arsehole or cunt,
One or both,--I don't give a goddam!"
--- G0759

The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard,
To make her fuck hot, but got flustered.
He cried, "Oh my dear!
I am coming, I fear!
But the mustard will make you come plus turd!"
--- L0071

You're attracted to these things obscene;
I always pretend I've not seen
The real gory things
That my newsboy brings --
I read cartoons and 'bout the Queen.
--- Anon

The life of a queen must be sordid;
It's news every time that she's boarded.
Every groan, every grunt,
Every twitch of her cunt,
Every fart that she lets is recorded.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2312

A horny young fool from Chichester
Got a job as a Royal Court Jester.
He had lust for the queen,
But she started to scream
As soon as he tried to molest her.
--- Captain Infinity

A queen who's not known to be bright,
Had given the king quite a fright,
When she said, "I am proud,"
And announced it out loud,
"I would sure love to screw every night!"
--- Bob Birch P0304

Of that bulge in her waist line, I daren't
Proclaim with assurance inerrant,
That she's growing too fat,
For it's possible that
What she will be will soon be apparent.

(Royal Physician commenting on the Virgin Queen's malaise)
--- Laurence Perrine

Said Queen Isabella of Spain,
"I like it just now and again.
But I wish to explain
That by now and again,
I mean NOW and AGAIN and AGAIN."
--- Anon G0768

The court hadn't seen in an age
The King is so vicious a rage.
For the queen, so she said,
Went to read in her bed,
Where the King found her stuck to a page.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Said the King to his brewer McHenry,
"The skill of your brewing I envy,
But the fact that your son
Has been tapping the bung
Of the queen, not the kegs, that offends me.
--- Steve Wickersham

The last time I slept with the Queen,
She said, as I came on the scene,
"It's royalty's night out,
But please put the light out,
The Queen may be had, but not seen."
--- Dylan Thomas L0167

King Frederick exclaimed, "Oh, by Jupiter!
The Queen is becoming much stupiter;
That is three times already
She's called me 'Dear Freddie'--
Then he threw a large bowlful of supiter!
--- Norm Storer

The Queen had a problem with King;
He was old and could not do the thing.
She told her Jester,
To get the King's scepter
And use it to make her bell ring.
--- Puff Adder

Said the Jester, "This is no joke.
Lengths not as important as stroke.
Let me give you a treat.
I'll take out my meat
And Queeny, I'll give you a poke."
--- Puff Adder

She said, "I enjoy meat, of course,
But for that I have another resource.
He has four legs,
And an enormous peg.
Yes, I talking about my horse."
--- Puff Adder

"If you really want to get me in bed,
There's something you can do instead.
You can clean out my bung
With your slithery tongue.
I order you to give me some head."
--- Puff Adder

Theodora, the Queen of Byzance,
Is remembered for having hot pants.
At one soiree de luxe,
She took on three dukes,
Two eunuchs, one ape, and four aunts.
--- G0542

When Victoria's consort got boozed,
He proposed that their privates be fused;
But the story is told
That the Queen had a cold;
"We are not," she retorted, "abused."
--- Thomas A Quinine P8308

With acid, it's neato and keeno,
This organic compound amino.
Abundant and rife
And essential for life;
Kind of like what we call cappuccino.
--- David Morin

Till "De Motu" publication,
Blood moved at a tidal station.
What through-channels mean is
Connects lead to circulation.
--- Daniel Ford

A hopeless illiterate was Tex;
He was not too sure of his sex.
His check for relief
Brought him nothing but grief.
He could not even sign a full X.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2812

A biologist of world renown
Says a chromosome's gender is