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A year and a month has gone past,
Since sampling the rock was done last,
And judging by time
And layers of lime,
The airlessness kept things quite fast.
--- Matthew Montchalin

What else did they find? Tools of stone,
And stuff that was made out of bone,
And various critters,
The bones cooked as fritters,
And other things useful at home.
--- Matthew Montchalin

Just where, again, was this huge dig?
They set up in Woodburn their rig,
At a small urban park,
With a bullseye to mark;
Who'd ever guess they'd strike it big!
--- Matthew Montchalin

I guess they will name him "Woodburnus,"
A lost race that serves just to learn us:
The first to arrive
Don't always survive;
They often go right up the furnace.
--- Matthew Montchalin

And now they have just found a third.
And if that's not the strangest thing heard,
They say they've got bones
Amongst all those stones,
Of a huge prehistoric Big Bird.
--- Matthew Montchalin

They might have resembled big crows,
But men were the size of its nose!
When it flexed its wings,
It flew as if springs
Were mounted just under its toes.
--- Matthew Montchalin

Woodburnus Man hunted big chickens;
He chased them all over the dickens.
He caught them with spears
And ate them for years.
And all we got left is the pickin's.
--- Matthew Montchalin

The world population's a fright;
Its numbers soar right out of sight.
Who's to blame? -- bear the brunt?
It's the prick and the cunt,
And expense of electric light.
--- G1661

There's a fish known as the Eurasian ruffe;
In Lake Superior, it's got the right stuff.
Perch anglers say, "Why Me?"
This fish is so slimy,
In Lake Huron now, enough is enough.
--- Anon

Who'd think that a zooplankton creature
With a hook as its dominant feature
And its tiny small size
With some dark black large eyes,
Could make trouble for fish trying to eat her.
--- Anon

Seems the fishhook flea's causing some trouble.
Fish wish it would leave on the double,
'Cause the barbs on its tail
Make yellow perch wail.
Stop eating our food; it's a struggle.
--- Anon

So how can we stop this invader
From feeding in the lake's trophic layers?
By inspecting your vessel,
Taking off things that're sessile
And rinsing boats with a high pressure sprayer.
--- Anon

The invader came over by boat;
They thought it was a bit remote.
But they had their way
And decided to stay.
And now they all can really gloat.
--- Anon

There once was a purple loosetrife;
Into wetlands it gave a new life.
Its seeds were dropped;
It couldn't be stopped.
Now would someone please hand me a knife.
--- Anon

Through the Erie Canal they did come,
Due to settlers who seemed kind of dumb,
Changing things over time,
Clearcutting the shoreline,
Making water too warm for salmon.
--- Anon

Free of predators, hardly a worry;
Lots of good fish to eat in a hurry;
Eel-like creatures imvade,
Eating natives they craved.
Populations explode in a flurry.
--- Anon

Sea lampreys attach to their host;
Making sick, killing thousands, they boast.
So many fish creatures
That just want to reach near
The rivers and lakes they like most.
--- Anon

The vampires of the Great Lakes,
They suck blood from the species they face.
Native fish never like 'em,
They yell "Lampreys, take and hike" 'n'
Get caught in a barrier, leave this place.
--- Anon

Once mom and pop zebra mussel
Had started a really big tussle,
Then they moved their family
Of one hundred and three
Into a pipe with no fussle.
--- Anon

Even though they all clustered low,
They impaired the intake water flow.
In came the authority,
Who tried to scrape free,
The two hundreds they had now to grow!
--- Anon

Alas, the growing family struggled
To keep all the three hundred huddled.
Some mussels were scraped away
To a new place to stay,
Where other mussel families cuddled.
--- Anon

A chemist exceedingly mean,
In a tar pot has dunked his colleen.
But then he relented,
And even repented,
And painted her body with chlorine.
--- Al Willis

Absorptiometry measures the rate
That a substance, in gaseous state,
Is absorbed into some
Sort of liquid, by gum!
The excitement was lost on my date.
--- Jesse Frankovich

A bungling Argentine fellow,
Who went by the name of Marcelo,
Embarked on a quest
To turn albiceleste
(By alchemical genius) to yellow.
--- Anon

There once was a man name Arrhenius.
His actions were always spontaneous.
He plotted ln(k)
Against 1/T,
And now he's considered a genius.

(Nobel Prize winner 1903)
--- Anon

Arrhenius, whose first name was Svendt,
Studied how fast reactions went.
The rate constant would be
k = Ae
With -Ea/RT as exponent
--- Fred Williams

Ray Ackshun was starting to cry;
Mount Ea was simply too high!
As he sat on the grass,
He saw catalyst pass,
And then crossed to the opposite side.
--- Fred Williams

I sat in Chem lecture in pain,
Trying hard to hold back my methane.
But the products of beans
Came right through my jeans,
And put the whole building in flames.
--- Fred Williams

The Clausis-Clapeyron pair
Were two men with a p-chem flair.
Who said natural log of p
Changes with T
As delta H over RT square.
--- Todd Wilkinson

In '53, Watson and Crick
Were thinking, when suddenly -- Click!
They'd figured the way
That stuff, DNA
Twin spiralled, to make us all tick.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Bond formation can be unwell,
Electrons join up in a shell,
For it doesn't seem fine
To say they combine,
When we know very well they repel!
--- Anon

Can there be any levity
In electronegativity?
Fluorine is high,
As are others nearby.
How is that for brevity.
--- Devlin Gualtieri

There was a young chemist named Keith,
Who escaped by the skin of his teeth
From H2SO4
While the family bore
The explosions going on underneath.
--- Keith MacMillan 12a

This is file zbl

There was a young chemist neamed Neal
Who loved circus life a great deal.
So he coupled his trade
With his love and he made
A large stainless steel ferrous wheel.
--- Al Willis P9806

There once was a man in the night
Who saw the fireflies' light.
As the temperature rose,
There came out more glows,
And he determined the Ea with delight.
--- Fred Williams

A first order sheriff from Rangoon
Knew the outlaws would kill and full moon.
His helpers he doubled,
So he wouldn't be troubled,
But his half-life still passed at high noon.
--- Fred Williams

A newlywed chemist named Bowman
Said, "I must keep my pecker from roamin'.
If I charmed a cute fox,
And got into her box,
That might be what I get shipped home in."
--- Alex Heydon P0511Q

I think that most students agree,
We really don't like chemistry.
Homework...There's tons.
And these seats hurt my buns,
And we'd rather be watching TV.
--- Fred Williams

Le Chatelier was pitching the date
That mighty Kc stepped up to the plate.
Though forced left and forced right,
His concentration held tight,
Because he would equilibrate.
--- Fred Williams

Madame Curie once had a pet duck
But if failed to bring medical luck.
To minimize mass
From her waist and her ass,
She went in for a nip and a tuck.
--- Mark

A chemist whom some of you know.
Just loved to see ice and deep snow.
He mixed Tungsten and Tin
And some Oxygen,
And he finally fashioned some SnOW.
--- Al Willis

A Mad Scientist who lived in Cologne
Found most vitamins easy to clone.
But the art he espoused
Was to be so aroused,
That with ease he could make his hormone!
--- Liam na Beag

If chemistry is your attraction,
Try this "Make a charcoal compaction
With sulphur and niter,
Then touch with a lighter,
And notice the speed of reaction."
--- Alex Heydon

A sixth grader came into my view
And his "gangsta" clothes offered a clue.
In the folds and the sags
Of his drooping crotch bags,
Lurked a mortar and a pistol too.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0204

In my youth, I was always dead keen
On the lab and the practical scene.
The electrics, the glassware,
The wax, string and brassware;
But now there is only a screen.
--- Joan M Freeman

For isomers, Van't Hoff and LeBel
Created a theory that works well.
To understand variation
In optical rotation,
Carbon must be tetrahedral.
--- Anon

There once was an Al named de Hyde,
Who lived, then suddenly died.
Then through oxidation
And acid formation,
His corpse had an O by it's side.
--- Fred Williams

There once was a Chemist named Pauling,
Whose predictions were downright enthralling.
"I'm really quite fond
Of the chemical bond
That I get with this sticking and balling."
--- Devlin Gualtieri a

A chemist had mind to resolve
The reason our incomes dissolve.
She mixed some suspensions
Of bureaucrats' pensions,
The answer was quick to evolve.
--- Nick D Kim

"It's here, right under your nose!
Just arrange the whole thing in rows.
Put hydrogen here,"
Dimitri would cheer,
"And tungsten down there by your toes."
--- Devlin Gualtieri

Of love, there is little to speak,
That some hormone's not able to tweak;
To cast a chemical spell
With some scent you can't smell,
So you'll find those you don't really seek.
--- Madcat A

In pollution the world seems to wallow.
Dick gives us a guide we can follow.
What risk, do you think,
In water we drink?
For some, it is too much to swallow.

(For Richard Wilson's Forum award 1990)
--- Barbara Levi

For plastics, Staudinger rewrote the rules;
For nylon, Dupont used his tools.
Some brittle, some elastic,
Some turn into plastic;
Better living through macromolecules.
--- George Bennett

The cool braggart, Paul Ymer, blubbers
As a glass he is such a good lover.
But when he gets hot,
What he could do, he cannot,
'Cause his modulus shows he's a rubber.
--- Fred Williams

There was a young turk named Stan
Who embarked on a devious plan.
"If I simply rename it,
I'm sure I can claim it,"
Said Stan as he pondered his scam.

(Stanley Prusiner arguing over discovery of 'Prions')
--- Discover Mag 12/86 P8612

"Eureka!" Cried Stan, "I have found it.
Well...maybe not actually found it.
But I talked to the press
Of the slow virus mess,
And invented a name to confound it!"
--- Discover Mag 12/86 P8612

I'll rephrase an old slogan I hate;
What the hell, it don't carry no weight.
They say, with resolution,
You're part of the solution
Or part of the precipitate.
--- Allen Wolverton

You said it, so I've got to mention
That which makes even more tension.
When out on a date,
The ones that I hate
Keep the answer in perfect suspension.
--- Dennis Hammes

Radium, lacking a brain,
And Iodine, in the "slow" lane,
Met Nitrogen, who
Had sense enough to
Come INdoors from out of the RaIN.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a man named Rauolt
Whose depression no doctor could fault.
No lithium ion
Could Rauolt rely on
'Cause his law worked regardless of salt.
--- Anon

Said the Minister, "Prices are high,
And to bring them down, I'll have to try.
Mmmmm, chemicals first --
My God, they're the worst --
ILLCICI2CY."

(I'll see ICI {International Chem Index?} to see why."
--- Bob Turvey

A chemistry student named Boma
Produced such a potent aroma
That half of the class
Dropped dead, but alas,
The culprit received a diploma.
--- Out On A Limerick P8907

A metallurgist who taaught from a podium
Expounded the virtues of Rhodium.
Come day of the test,
Those who did best
Were those whose answers were quoting him.
--- Kim Goldworthy P8311

Regal Charles had ideas elite,
Yet he'd say to each lady he'd meet,
"My volume gets higher
When you warm my desire.
Let's join our gasses in heat."
--- Fred Williams

As a baby, our teacher named Fred,
Learned to teethe on a rubber duck's head.
The cause of his pain
Was the crosslinked chain,.
And his gums got all bloody and red.
--- Fred Williams

A SCUBA diver whose name was McGraw,
Disobeyed a basic gas law.
While deep under his hull,
Bubbles formed in his skull,
And he now regards lawyers with awe.
--- Fred Williams

A physicist, Percival Pry,
Had hopes that a medal was nigh,
But a "No" from Nobel
Made him mutter, "Oh well,"
And issue a faint Sigma Sigh. (Xi - chem fraternity)
--- Norm Storer P9912


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