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At least a tenth of our increase The mean ex-Mormon's all set; There was a missionary named Ted I walked to the Temple, on air, I sipped me a brewski or two, After sunning myself at the side, I returned just a day after that, Well, I no longer go there to read, There was a young fellow of Utah My family used to be Mo; There once was a G.A. named Scott, (General Authority) There once was a Mormon named Crothers, My friend, are you perchance a Mormon? The Church of the Latter-day SS (saints) There once was a man from Salt Lake, There once was a group of old men, There once was a BYU student, (FARMS = Foundation for Ancient Research and Mormon Studies)
Mormons aren't much of a foe; Within these arrangements is found, The wives of a Mormon physician, The Mormons cause their critics to fret, I gave it a try, Mormonism; A militant Mormon of Wells Said a Yankee who visited Wells: A bigamous Mormon named Tuttle A rich Chinese Mormon, they say, The bishop was counsel by day, The counsel was bishop by night, The bishop stayed calm and serene. The bishop surmised even more. "But wait," I exclaimed anxiously. Bishop did calmly continue, Division of gender divine, Dismayed and confused, my head shook. I got up and said, "Very well. "And no," I continued to speak, I walked away feeling more free, Said a certain young fellow from Utah, There once was a guy name of Norman; He took the lessons required; He found he could only have one. The preacher was right full of heat, Mormons push their kids quickly to wed Mormon apostles are well paid, I dated a young girl from Parowan. When I got to my mission far away, Men are that they might have joy, Joe's book is a whopper, by Dickens! There once was a lady named Nancy A Latter Day Saints fundamentalist, Mormons say that they know what is true, There once was a cute Utah kid, A desert goat herder once said In the temple you learn secret signs, They said they would cut out my tongue A critic named Theodore Bow Emma Smith was a fabulous sight! Larita, Lavina, Larae; "If given the choice of my druthers," Don't listen to what old prophets said; There once was a guy named Boyd Packer, Old Joe had a harem of honeys, There was an odd family, the Smiths, There once was an occultist name Joe, I remember an asshole named Benson, (Ezra Taft Benson) I remember a guy named of Benson;
Should go to the Lord, so don't cease
From donating cash
Which quickly is stashed...
I mean consecrated, not fleeced!
--- Ann Onamoose
He gets to use the Internet.
He gets all the dirt;
His feelings get hurt.
He reasons why he'll whine and he'll fret.
--- Older Wiser
Who was very competent at head.
While sucking some dick,
His companion said "Ick!"
Now Ted sleeps alone and not wed.
--- Ben
While bulldozers were flanking The Square;
Their job was to prove
That money could move
Any pulic place into their lair.
--- Twisted Sisters
But was told it's a thing not to do;
The guards came and cursed
But what I found was still worse --
Was their breath reeked of Heinekin's, too.
--- Twisted Sisters
I decided my skateboard I'd ride;
Well, no more did I start
Than I let out a fart,
And was carried away -- but with pride.
--- Twisted Sisters
With my anti books piled, and I sat;
Not much more did I start,
Then again I did fart,
And was cited again just for that.
--- Twisted Sisters
I've decided these jokers are pee'd,
That I have more than they
In the brain smarts, to say --
Gordon Hinckley you're one evil seed.
--- Twisted Sisters
Who five times was a successful suitor.
When asked why a quintet?
He replied, "I can't get
Enough of that stuff down at Hooters."
--- Arthur Deex P0106
We learned it's a fraud and said "Doh!"
We walked away one day;
Goodbye we did say;
And since, we love life ever so.
--- Elwood
Who loved to drink beer and smoke pot.
Book of Mormon he read
To prepare to be dead,
And now all his sins are forgot.
--- Bokonon
Who claimed to have three or four mothers,
But only one wife,
The love of his life,
But he'd rather have none was his druthers.
--- Bob Birch P0209
We're not the right bunch to reform on.
So get out of our lives;
Go shag your ten wives.
Go check the shelves with whiskey corn on.
--- Jester Jon
Has a resident artist who PP (paints)
All the little girls' dolls,
Masking peckers and balls
And pussies and heinies and TT. (taints)
--- Anon
Whose ideas some said were half-baked.
He took ten percent
(Before taxes) and spent
It on things that he knew to be fake.
--- Exmormon
Who "propheted", others to bend.
"Take heed," they all cried,
But the hypocrites lied,
'Til the internet did them all in.
--- Anon
Who wished to be sage but he couldn't.
So he faked being smart
In old history and art
And thought joining FARMS would be prudent.
--- Pravda
Their intellect is awfully low.
The church should go away.
Now the church should stay.
Can't live with it and can't let it go.
--- Stephen Clark
To be happy with just three around,
Though quite harmonious,
Seemed parsimonious,
To Mormons, where more might abound.
--- Chris Papa
Whose numbers quite beggar addition,
He just had to keep happy,
So to have enough sap he
Invented the metered emission.
--- Armand E Singer 495
When converts fall in the gospel net.
The have good intent,
But their mind's like cement,
All mixed up and permanently set.
--- Older Wiser
Now I'm leaning toward skepticism...
Six wives is a lot,
Just oodles of twat,
But I'm running quite low on my jism.
--- TuttaGioia
Said, "Decent polygamy quells
Lust -- 'twould bring pious ease
Back to the diocese
With the musical peal of ten bells.
--- Aleister Crowley
"Say, these ecclesiastical swells
Seem grand at contriving
To manage their swiving
To a musical peal of ten bells."
--- Aleister Crowley
Has methods that aren't a bit subtle:
He keeps his two spouses
In separate houses,
And services both via shuttle.
--- Armand E Singer 535A
Had wives for each hour of the day;
When it came time for bed
And for choices, he said,
"I'll take one from Group B, two from A."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9407
That is how he paid his way.
He'd represent you,
Suggest that you sue,
Then praise God Almighty FOR PAY.
--- H20Proof
While hearing me speak of my plight,
"I do not believe,
And please don't deceive,
By preaching what's wrong and what's right."
--- H20Proof
"My boy. you have got to come clean.
What sins have you done,
Don't even skip one,
To doubt all the Truth you have seen?"
--- H20Proof
"God loves you and gives you a chore.
Two years of your youth
Spent telling the truth;
A challenge with blessings to fore."
--- H20Proof
"My heart and my soul do not see
How God's rightous hand
Could deny to this land
Amendments for equality!"
--- H20Proof
"The ladies will get their fair due.
In Heaven and Earth,
In glory and mirth,
But restrooms will separate you."
--- H20Proof
So say the sources of mine.
Equal the glory;
Separate the story;
The ERA is Satan's line.
--- H20Proof
This is file yul
I wondered how I had mistook
This mental fission
In Mormon mission,
For stories heard from the Good Book.
--- H20Proof
I'll return to jack mormon hell,
Where I'll spend two years
Consuming cold beers,
Learning to think and to spell."
--- H20Proof
"Self-righteousness ain't what I seek.
Also, my gender,
Ain't reason to render
All women so lowly and meek."
--- H20Proof
But desperately needing to pee.
Before my encounter
With bishop "Resounder",
I drank me some Coors, one, two, three.
--- H20Proof
"I've a girl, but I don't seem to suitah.
I am tall, I am wise,
I've got lovely blue eyes;
And in matters of sex, I am neutah."
--- Isaac Asimov
Retired from life as a corpsman.
He wanted three wives
To tend his bee hives.
"I think I will become a Mormon."
--- Marlene a
His heart was truly inspired.
He didn't listen;
Something was missin'.
The rule about wives was retired.
--- Marlene
He said, "I've already begun
To court beekeepers
For honey reapers.
I'll be Moslem before this is done!"
--- Marlene
As he called on his people to beat
The temptations they face
By taking God's grace,
And so had Mormon saints on their feet!
--- Bill Doern
For fear that if not, they might bed.
No need to have love,
Just follow above.
Can't be single. Better off dead.
--- Aint Sayin
Getting adoration that won't fade.
They're at the top of the heap,
But in private they weep,
'Cause they really need to get laid.
--- Aint Sayin
Of lovliness she was a paragon.
I had mission hopes
So avoided the gropes
And we certainly never did get it on.
--- Yossarian
I met an elder from the same town one day.
I asked, "Do you know her?"
He said, "Do I know her?
Of course I do; she's my fiance!"
--- Yossarian
But not with any other boy.
For gays, they must choose
Their urges to lose,
And love Molly instead of Roy.
--- Aint Sayin
With each version, the plot always thickens!
With characters, themes
And digressions it teems;
As for truth, though, it's mighty slim pickens.
--- Ghoulslime
Who tickled the prophet Joe's fancy.
Once Joe got rid of Bennett,
He thought he'd get in it,
But Joe couldn't crack Nancy's pantsies.
--- Anon
Not content to me merely a bigamist,
Continued to wive
Until he had five --
Now he's a convicted polygamist.
--- Dr Limerick 05-19-01
And preach it till faces turn blue.
The truth of the matter
Is behind all the chatter;
They really do not have a clue.
--- Aint Sayin
Who was beat to believe as they did.
He grew wiser with age
And a scholarly sage,
Thus their lies from his life did he rid.
--- Lastpoorkid
As he pounded some rocks in his head:
"I'll scribble on scrolls
And punch them with holes,
And they'll all swear it's true when I'm dead!"
--- Mark
And memorize meaningless lines.
Wear silly robes
And shut off your lobes,
And wish Eve wasn't behind those vines.
--- Aint Sayin
Or cover my body with dung,
And I'd live with a curse
For writing such verse...
I'd rather, of course, to be hung.
--- Bob Birch P0209
Said the Mormons should pack up and go.
Though he's been to school,
What makes him a fool,
Is what he does know that ain't so.
--- Older Wiser
When she posed like a hot Playboy might.
But when she looked 'round,
To her horror she found
Joe'd gone to a neighbor that night.
--- Ghoulslime
These are odd names, you might say.
The women who wear 'em
Must live in a harem
Of DeLos, DeLamar, or DelRay.
--- Yossarian
Said a henpecked young fellow named Cruthers,
"I'd relinquish my wife
For a much better life,
And be dating a bevy of others."
--- Cap'n Bean P0209
They were speaking as men and are dead.
It's the prophet's words now
That come under the vow,
To believe all the crap that you're fed.
--- Aint Sayin
Who thought each Mormon was a slacker.
A pinhead he was,
And hated because
He heaped guilt on each penis whacker.
--- Aint Sayin
And his followers got all the moneys.
They built lots of buildings
With carpets and gildings,
And they tell us to breed just like bunnies.
--- Rick
Who created elaborate myths
Of prophets and dreams,
Of battles and schemes,
And founded a church run by stiffs.
--- Yossarian
Who wanted to put on a show.
Many thought him demented,
For the religion he invented.
It took their daughters, their freedom, and gold.
--- Anon
Hated niggers and commies and then some.
I pity the world
When his plan is unfurled.
He's a god with his justice dispensin'.
--- Rick
Hated niggers and commies and then some.
I pity the world
When his plan is unfurled.
He's a god with his justice dispensin'.
--- Rick
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