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Moses was a guy I could go for - An othodox Jewess with joy A young Jewish playboy named Yankel, He sent me out for a ham. "There's chemicals in this!" he said "And what IS this orange-y goo? I'm certain they had a good laugh, Said the spiritual gentleman who There was a young mohel from Splott We reveled in cream cheese and oil, One summer I was down at Coney 'n' (no mixing meat and dairy)
A Nazi (now dead) I once knew Before you begin to break ground, Just think of the fiery furnace Said the mohel "I won't be back; In the land of the horn of the Ram, There once was a daring young Jew, A pious old jew from Salonika, There was an old Jewish villain (t'fillin - phlacteries attached by thong used in prayer)
There once was a remarkable stripper, A rabbi who lived in Peru, A devout Jewish maiden named Donna, There was a young mohel from Splott, Let's weep for a Kosher-raised fairy, A mohel who drank too many beers There once was a Hebrew named Moses Our town circumsizer, Dov Lash-- A Jew went to court and implored "I'll do what I can," the judge said. It's nice that I'm welcome within, On Yom Kippur, young Benjamin Shaim Said an orthodox Hebrew named Rafe, At Jerusalem's Biblical Zoo, It is plain the poor judge was awed. His honor in old Alabama In Sodom's twin city Gomorrah, An orthodox Jew from Gomorrah When Passover comes each Spring, When the rabbi announced his engagement, From Rabbi Ben Kosher's own pen: If you'd lived then and knew Aramaic, Nanny, a goat who was British, A sexy young lady named Sue It is generally held to be true, A young Jewish student named Moses A Talmudist named Samuel Blum There was a young schlepper named Joe, The Nation of Jews (so they say) There once was a fellow named Kevin, The Cohn twins made their money go far. When Der Fuhrer had ended life's lot, Now that I know the salient fact There was a young mohel from Splott; Since your officially an M.O.T., (member of tribe) There was a young mohel from Splott, The ten lost tribes - long lost in flight 'Twas from the beginning, AB OVO, An ex-Mormon brother named Bruce, Apostates are sons of perdition. The Council of Twelve in Salt lake, We've all heard of Elder Paul Dunn (big wheel Mormon Church exposed as liar)
Black people once sat on the fence; There was a young Deacon named Nat, The Hoffman thing was quite a mess But long before Hickster came Joe, His Mom who he greatly adored, Though multiple wives are now shunned,
Rewarding hard work not the loafer.
But the part I reject
Is at Seder the Elect
Take turns at blowing the shophar.
--- Arthur Deex P8207
Gave birth to a fine baby boy;
But her husband, the fool,
When he saw the child's tool,
Remarked, "Oh my god, it's a goy!"
--- P8203
Went skiing and broke his left ankle.
His mother, the duchess,
Didn't like him on crutches,
The two of them often would rankle.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Did he forget who I am?
"This one won't do,
It's covered with goo."
And back to the store did he scram.
--- Anon
To a manager scratching his head.
"It's tainted the meat;
We can't possibly eat
Any food that is tasting like lead!"
--- Anon
It smells and it tasted like poo!
I should've went...
I shouldn't have sent...
She can't buy ham, she's a Jew!"
--- Anon
Both giggling in my behalf.
And maybe you too
Buy ham covered in goo,
So don't laugh at my grocery store gaffe!
--- Anon
Decided he would be a Jew;
When told circumcision
Might change his decision,
"I'll use ice 'til my pecker turns blue."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0204
Who was called in to bris this young tot.
It all went without hitch,
Till the babe gave a twitch,
And he damn nearly cut off the lot.
--- Simon Masters
But one day my joy turned to toil.
She'd turned orthodox!
"No bris, dear, no box!"
I hear she's now dating a mohel.
--- H Welchel
Got caught eatin' a sandwich of baloney 'n'
Cheese. The Rabbi
Accepted no alibi.
His punishment was more than DRACONIAN.
--- Norm Brust
To her dastardly creed still held true.
She gave us all fits
Making up Easter Kits:
Rusty nails, two-by-fours, and a Jew.
--- John Miller 0294 a
Get four by fours (they are more sound).
Rusty nails just won't do,
Set some spikes that are new;
As for Jews, they are easily found.
--- Navin
And the spiritual lesson it'll learn us.
Those Hebe lads and lasses
With unsinged little asses,
Demonstrate, that with faith, fire can't burn us.
--- Arthur Deex P8207
I'm leaving 'cause I lost the knack;
'Twas just a small slip
Removing the tip,
And I've ended up with the sack."
--- David Miller Q
There may come a time to eat ham.
Far stranger than fiction,
They've fulfilled a prediction
And the Jew has lain down with Islam.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9406
Who said to his rabbi, "Screw you,
I eat meat on Yom Kippur,
Mixed with milk by the dipper,
And as for the shiksehs--Woo, Woo!"
--- Isaac Asimov
Said, "For Christmas I'd like an harmonica."
His wife, to annoy him,
Said, "Feh, That's for goyim!"
And gave him a jews-harp for Chanukah.
--- Anon
Who would screw any girl who was willin'.
This orthodox louse
Had a nearsighted spouse,
Who thought he was just laying t'fillin.
--- G1170
Who'd undress to the very last zipper,
Before one, before all,
But one day in the fall,
She refused and said, "Not on Yom Kippur."
--- Isaac Asimov
Was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy vey!
If you keep on this way,
The Messiah will come before you."
--- Ray A Billington
Is extremely afraid she's a goner.
She was screwing one day,
In each possible way,
Quite forgetting it was Rosh Hoshana.
--- Isaac Asimov
Whose credentials were really quite hot.
But a life on the bottle
Cause his business to topple,
When, Oi Vey! He lopped off the lot!
--- Simon Masters
Whose food-taboo problem is hairy.
"Since I'm oral," he screams,
"And my lover sure creams,
Eating meat means I also eat dairy!"
--- Anon
Brought a Jewish family to tears.
He thought he's a cutie
Performing his duty,
With a pair of brand new pinking shears.
--- Tom Patton P0107
Who, without the aid of some hoses,
Moved the Red Sea, each gallon,
Giving us Woody Allen,
Who amuses us with his neuroses.
--- Marc Hirsh
His card - five percent off for cash.
My mother said, "Oy!
He's such a small boy;
Please, one percent, Dov, when you slash."
--- Irving Superior P8203
To please change a name he abhorred.
What's wrong with your name?
Oh my, what a shame!
It's Adolph D. Ashloch, how horrid.
--- Izzy Cohen
"Clerk, date this case last year instead.
Now tell me, dear kike,
What name do you like?"
"Johannes D. Ashloch," he pled.
--- Izzy Cohen
The group that can get a bargain.
And know that it's swell
That we both ring the bell
As brothers without a foreskin.
--- Chris Papa
Tried to enter the Shul without payin'.
"I'm just looking," said he,
For my alte zeyde." (old grandfather)
"Go ahead," said the guard, "but no prayin'."
--- Limericks Lantzmen P9911
"I think that this restaurant's unsafe.
The plates are so greasy
That I'm feeling queasy,
And half of the menu is traif."
--- P Chernoff
They've removed all bread products from view.
Not just humankind droves
Eat unleavened loaves,
But the beasts observe Passover too!
--- Paul Hoffman
This is file yvl
Ten Commandments were written by God.
Had he asked an Israeli
Who reads Hebrew daily,
They'd have spotted the obvious fraud.
--- Tom Patton P0310
Threw the confidence man in the slammer,
When he found the "good book"
Was fashioned by a crook,
Who worked with a chisel and hammer.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0310
A tourist lazed through the Agora.
Not believing his eye
The great finds did he spy
Was a used, "Just One Owner" Menorah.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9702
Looks carefully all through his Torah;
Since not one page objects
To the joys of lewd sex,
He knows just the place, Bora Bora!
--- Armand E Singer 713
Jews do their unleavened thing.
They consume lot o'
Tasteless matzoh
Which to their dentures does cling.
--- Norm Brust
It only increased the enragement.
When the mum of the girl
Let her lips slightly curl,
He knew then just what his wise sage meant.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Be circumcised by age of ten.
So do not delay,
Go do it today!
I'll talk now about boys and men.
--- Anon
You could solve the arcane and archaic.
From the script on the wall,
Foretold Babylon's fall --
Although not if you lived in Passaic.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Decided to learn to speak Yiddish.
She wore a fedora
To light her menorah,
And her friends thought that she was kiddish.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9306
Complained of her lover's taboo.
He wouldn't gamauche her
'Cause she wasn't kosher,
And he was an orthodox Jew.
--- Pedro J Saavedra P8203
That a Hebrew is a male Jew.
It's quite clear to me,
One can easily see,
A female must be a Shebrew.
--- Robert S Painter
Dressed in black from his head to his toeses.
He learned day and night,
Even by candlelight;
He's so tired that in class he just dozes.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Liked to practice the Arabic drum.
To assuage the affliction
Of this contradiction,
He would eat chicken fat with his thumb.
--- Joel Cohen
Who shared everything he'd not know.
If you'd had a Jew...
You'd thank God daily too.
And keep your head covered in kepot.
--- Anon
Has suffered a lot in its day.
As proof they're superior:
How they treat inferior
Folks they hold under their sway.
--- John Miller 0357
Who refused to consume bread unleavened.
He once said, "I despise
Loaves that don't ever rise.
I'm not Jewish, I'll still got to heaven."
--- Ryan Waldron
When they both needed a new yarmulke.
Got a two for one special
From the dry goods man Heshel,
When they purchased a black satin bra.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0206
He stormed St. Pete's gate on the dot.
"Let me in, I'm no kike,
I'm head man of the Reich."
Christ shrugged and replied: "Vell, so vot?"
--- P8203
Of that mohel's barbarous act,
I can't use the ploy
Of claiming you're goy,
But I'm pleased that your weenie got whacked.
--- Norm brust
A sharp knife he brings to the spot.
A drop of red wine,
A broch or nine,
And hey presto! What was is not.
--- Simon Masters
You get wholesale, the same as me.
So you get the job
Of shopping for that mob
That started in Galilee.
--- Norm Brust
Who just loved to go racing his yacht.
Dressed in waterproof schmutter,
He'd maneuvre his cutter
To go straight to the fore like a shot.
--- Simon Masters
In Eastern California might.
Yosemite!
To you and me.
By some pronounced, YO-SEMITE.
--- Irving Superior P8207
Young Mormons born in Moab, Provo,
Or Salt Lake City
(When being witty)
Would wonder, "Joseph Smith playing oboe?"
--- Daniel Ford
Gave his new faith as an excuse.
To get it off his chest,
He finally confessed;
Turned out he was worshipping Zeus.
--- Older Wiser
Mormons think it's a mental condition.
The parents get sad
And think they've been bad,
And no way will they ever listen.
--- Aint Sayin
Are hardly if ever awake.
They rule while asleep;
We follow like sheep.
I hope they don't make a mistake.
--- Marlene Lewis
Who all by himself the war won.
But a journalist named Packer
Exposed the old cracker
And made all his tall tales undone.
--- Enock Ipsen
That's why on this earth they're so dense.
Oops, that's no longer true;
Revelatation was due,
'Cause there's too many folks took offense.
--- Rick
In a priesthood meeting he sat.
He was dreaming that Venus
Was stroking his penis,
And catching the drops in his hat.
--- Anon
For the church and for Hinckley, I guess.
His divine insight
Was not working right,
So frauds slipped by him and the rest.
--- Ann Onamoose
The greatest con since Christ, the myth goes.
He wrote up a book
Which he claims was took
From the ground, which we all know ain't so.
--- Ann Onamoose
Said he knew of the Nephites before
The tomes were unearthed,
So we must look down with mirth
On all who claim plates from the Lord.
--- Ann Onamoose
It was once thought an honor for one
To have many girls
For celestial worlds
And telestial love, could be fun.
--- Ann Onamoose
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