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In nursing here's a rule that's valid A baker, a patron of arts, William Penn said while preaching from notes, A Scotsman who lived in Ceylon I suspect our good friend Arthur Deex I gazed at the pie-laden plates Whenever the butcher drank rum, An ignorant lad named Krause As a burglar, Fred wasn't the best, As a youngster I heard people say March winds that chill bones and fill sails, The kids who are born are first rate, Spiteful "phone-for-sex" sluts from Sioux Falls, All of the young girls I meet There is simply no way of ignoring One Sunday, a harlot named Gloria A dwarf psychic, named Monsieur LaFarge, A Viking clan member on course A deviant doctor, though slick, He charmed her with excessive flattery "What Ho!" shouted Admiral Biggers; (anaphora)
The homesick GI thought of Nell, With this verse I don't wish to tempt fate, A traditional formalist poet I think it is mostly genetic, A typewriter, down in West Kent, I love a bilingual pun. A firm ought to do what it preaches; The chief thespian, despite his co-ercions, A venturesome sculptor, named Sloane, In Paris a plumber named Reese On festival days in antiquity, The sign says "This door is alarmed" A Irishman named Alexandre, Didn't write it down? Expecting regrets? A careless young skater named Fisk Good puns are made, you can't breed 'em. Though your vote will be eagerly sought Such tricks as are "done" with the tongue, Young Nina from Athens will lift Our Danish Prince wasn't so big. Indulging in internet chatter, A printer whoe name was Joe Dolan, What you heard may not be what you heard. I received two books as a gift, Read Marshall, then Ivan; now shift. "The next time you make up a pun," Said teacher to parent, "Young Larry Lord Loverly sighed, "What's the matter My pen I can herewith discard, A cab driver's verse was quite stunning. Of all the world's verses recorded, The old garbage collector did find Of course money is not alone Said Fisk to a lady named Yates, In the talent show's very last cuts, It's easy for us to complain, A punner, a contest attended, A contest has recently ended With color enough for twin spectra, There once was a fellow named Fisk "Memory Man" went jogging with chaps "In Boston," said Jane, "it makes sense A young fan of E. Wharton's E. Frome An English prof's incarceration William Penn's uncles' wives saw a chance In the henhouse a chicken so wise
When patients eat their food that's salad.
If they happen to spill
Keep you voice low or still.
You must not ever sass the pallid.
--- Tom Patton P0111
Thought acting would offer fresh starts.
"When I stride the stage
I'll be all the rage,
As long as I get the top parts."
--- Tom Patton
"Let's check our eyes for beams and motes."
Adding, "Though I'm religious
Please don't say prestigious."
As he summed up, out rolled "Quaker Quotes".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9803
Was never a real paragon
Of virtue, the clod
Could never please God
For he was a real cinnamon.
--- Al Willis P9702
Has labored a good many weeks
With some irritation
To save his plantation
From dogs that come there taking leeks.
--- John E Mayhood P9809
(For pie is not one of my hates)
And I asked the girl there,
"Miss, your pies look quite fair.
Please tell me, what are your pie rates?"
--- John Dohner P8804
He'd end up as tight as a drum;
Then the orders for meat
Would go out incomplete,
But he promised the wurst was to come.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2776
Listened, just quiet as a mouse,
While a most evil man
Told him Peter Pan,
Was a wash basin in a whorehouse.
--- Anon A
As his many convictions attest.
So he made up his mind
To leave crime behind,
For a change is as good as arrest.
--- Murphy
Though I don't think they meant to convey;
It was in the context
Of June weddings, same sex,
That the "Old 1890's were Gay".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703
Beside which any other gust pales,
But as any gob knows,
Quite superlative blows,
Can be had, time to time, from May gales.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9811
But they're fewer than ever, of late.
There's no hanky-panky
Between John and Frankie,
Because of that Heidi Vorss Raite.
--- Al Willis
Sit with poised ball point pens in their stalls,
To await love-starved men,
Who again and again,
They brutally Bic in their calls.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9812
Say sex with me is quite a treat.
They say: Tell if you can,
Are you one of the Klan,
'Cause you're a wizard under the sheet.
--- Rob Weiner
That young Scottish lassie from Loring,
Who earned national fame
When she entered the game,
With her record of super-hot scoring.
--- Jemstone
Established a beat in Victoria.
Next day in her whoredom
She died out of boredom;
Hence on Mundi 'twas sic transit gloria.
--- Hugh Oliver 110a
Was thrown into jail on a charge
Of robbing a bank --
But he excaped from the tank.
Now he's a "small medium at large".
--- Tamara Alibeckoff A
Was arrested for stealing a horse.
They tried to manhandle
The encroaching vandal,
But a stolen roan gathers mo' Norse.
--- Rob Ellis T9712
With colleagues could not ever click,
Because, shirking his calls,
By attending gay balls,
And his scandalous ducking of sick.
--- Bob Giandomenico
And plyed her with gifts every Saturday.
The Egyptian ruler
Turned suddenly crueler,
Attacking with a Sultan battery...
--- Jon Gearhart
"What ho, Sir!" responded his riggers.
He then asked his crew
Why their faces were blue:
"What ho' has been pulling your triggers?"
--- Norm Storer P9603
A hooker back home--she was swell.
He wrote to his parents,
Who showed their forebearance
By wiring right back, "Whore is well."
--- Lucas Hulp P9410
But for once I need to get this straight.
By no idle suggestion
Do I now pose this question:
Can illiterates alliterate?
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0110
Said, "I've got a good sex life--I know it!
My heroic meter
Will satisfy Peter
Unless Ana pests and I blow it.
--- Ann Gasser P9307
But Ann seems to be apathetic.
Since she was begot,
She sleeps quite a lot.
She's now know as Ann Esthetic
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Went mad when its keys got all bent.
On letters and packets
It wrote "4 & []"
And "a ? @ 10%"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
It doubles the word-play fun.
And with one tongue obscure,
The players are fewer.
It's pretty much one-on-one.
--- Norm Brust
The claim of clothes cleaner Bob Keech is:
"We leave nothing to chance,"
But he mislaid my pants;
I'm suing for promise of breeches.
--- Armand Singer
Saw the gulf between his and their versions.
But out walked the cast
Stage left, from the blast;
They all thought he was casting as Persians.
--- Doug Harris P0503
Sculpted statues of Lassie from stone.
Lassie's agent got word,
And said, "This is absurd,
Collie modeling I cannot condone."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0106
Said his girl was a very fine piece.
But her cunt was too dry,
So this plumber so sly,
Gave her pussy a full cup de grease.
--- Al Chaplin P0303
Imbibing a potent brown liquid, he
Went out with the boys
And created such noise --
Producing a din of iniquity.
--- Norm Storer P9701
And I wonder at just what has harmed
This poor piece of wood,
And maybe I should
Stay with it until it has calmed.
--- Peter Wilkins
This is file xzl
While trekking up north as a wanderer,
Encountered thick ice
And had to think twice;
He'd stumbled upon Dublin tundra
--- Anon
No! A poet is not one who frets
There's no need to yearn;
One day 'twill return,
Because an eloquent never forgets.
--- Doug Harris P0502
Delighted to frolic and frisk
On thin ice in the bay,
Though his parents would say,
It was foolish his small *.
--- A N Wilkins P0211
You must know what they say 'fore you read 'em.
Yes, puns are the jewels
That took our verbal tools
Of communication and freed 'em.
--- Anon
In the fray currently being fought.
You don't vote, you explain;
Politics are a pain,
Yet a campaign provides feud for thought.
--- Esther Koch P090
Like limericks and girls who are young,
Are but thinly restrained
And lingustically tamed;
The number too many to be sung.
--- Anon
Her skirt, thus revealing her rift.
It's full of diseases
And crab lice and fleases...
Beware, lads, of Greeks baring gifts.
--- Anon
He rode around town in a gig.
The food he would scoff,
With his head in the trough...
Our Hamlet's a very small pig.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Might locate chapeau on a platter.
But for custom chapeau,
The best place you can go
Is right to the mart of the hatter.
--- Esther Koch P0107
Had max punctuation his goal, an'
He'd put commas and dots
In unlikely spots,
But ended up bursting his :.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And what's read may just seem quite absurd.
If you want a chuckle
That might bust your buckle,
Then a good pun is its own reword.
--- Observer
But I felt my attitude shift.
'Twixt Jonathan's satire
And young Tom's new gyre,
My turnaround was none too swift.
--- P E Murphy
Add Jonathan if you are miffed.
Where this reading will lead
Is reward for the deed,
Justice, Terrible, and Swift.
--- P E Murphy
A father once said to his son,
"Go out in the yard,
And kick yourself hard,
And I will begin when you've done."
--- Anon
Is failing at school. He's unwary."
Asked mother, then sighing,
"Pray tell, is he trying?"
Responded the teacher, "Yes, very!"
--- Observer
With my wife since she met that young satyr;
Our rapport's a perplex.
All she yaks of is sex.
How I hate Lady Loverly's chatter."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0105
If you study my counsel quite hard.
You may, I forsee,
A limerick bard be,
And have no more limericks barred.
--- Archie
His poems, they had lots of punning.
Metric feet were a flop
'Cause he just couldn't stop.
So he said that his meter was running.
--- Kirk Miller
The ones we've most carefully hoarded
Are the limericks spun
Which prove that the pun
Is mightier, by far, than the sordid.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8801a
That collection can be a big grind;
Because garbage must not
Stay too long in one spot,
For a waste is a bad thing to mind.
--- Al Chaplin P0303
In serving as pun's grinding stone.
With parallels endless,
Although he'll be friendless,
The punster need never atone.
--- Anon
"When I see you, my heart palpitates."
But she said to him, "Fisk,
I have no *,
Which is why I do not go on dates."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2846
Was a comic named Biff who's too nuts,
Two musicians, sans class,
And a dancer's bare ass --
No Biff and no bands and no butts.
--- Dr Limerick
When somehow you don't have a brain.
We're here to have fun,
With maybe a pun.
So remember: No pain, no gain.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To enter ten puns he intended.
His ego was tossed,
When finish line crossed.
His effort, "no pun in ten did."
--- Chris Papa
For quality puns which offended.
I entered again
And submitted ten.
As for winning, no pun in ten did.
--- Res Ipsa
This plane really needs nothing extra.
As I walk to the back,
I rejoice I wore black,
For my Mourning Becomes Electra.
--- Anon
Who placed, in his rectum, a disk.
When they said, "It's not safe,"
He replied with a chafe,
"Be quiet, it's my *"
--- Keith Gilman P0107
From Mensa, to rest his synapse.
But after a short circuit,
He could no more shirk it;
He'd only completed one lapse!
--- Doug Harris P0503
To go for the specialty: hence
I've come to get scrod."
And her friend said, "That's odd,
You've used the past pluperfect tense."
--- Isaac Asimov
Penned a book in the den of his home.
At his friends' strong behest,
And convinced they knew best,
Then produced his one strange peer shaped tome.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401
In a jail on a lake caused frustration.
His only delight:
Monthly meets with his wife;
Would you call this penile conjugation?
--- Conch
To sell homemade pies at a dance.
The high cost of these pies
Made folks criticise
The outrageous pie rates of Penn's aunts.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8805
Wrote a book of her life mid the flies--
How her children were beaten
Before birth and were eaten--
The books title was Pullet Surprise.
--- Albin Chaplin P9203
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