In nursing here's a rule that's valid
When patients eat their food that's salad.
If they happen to spill
Keep you voice low or still.
You must not ever sass the pallid.
--- Tom Patton P0111

A baker, a patron of arts,
Thought acting would offer fresh starts.
"When I stride the stage
I'll be all the rage,
As long as I get the top parts."
--- Tom Patton

William Penn said while preaching from notes,
"Let's check our eyes for beams and motes."
Adding, "Though I'm religious
Please don't say prestigious."
As he summed up, out rolled "Quaker Quotes".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9803

A Scotsman who lived in Ceylon
Was never a real paragon
Of virtue, the clod
Could never please God
For he was a real cinnamon.
--- Al Willis P9702

I suspect our good friend Arthur Deex
Has labored a good many weeks
With some irritation
To save his plantation
From dogs that come there taking leeks.
--- John E Mayhood P9809

I gazed at the pie-laden plates
(For pie is not one of my hates)
And I asked the girl there,
"Miss, your pies look quite fair.
Please tell me, what are your pie rates?"
--- John Dohner P8804

Whenever the butcher drank rum,
He'd end up as tight as a drum;
Then the orders for meat
Would go out incomplete,
But he promised the wurst was to come.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2776

An ignorant lad named Krause
Listened, just quiet as a mouse,
While a most evil man
Told him Peter Pan,
Was a wash basin in a whorehouse.
--- Anon A

As a burglar, Fred wasn't the best,
As his many convictions attest.
So he made up his mind
To leave crime behind,
For a change is as good as arrest.
--- Murphy

As a youngster I heard people say
Though I don't think they meant to convey;
It was in the context
Of June weddings, same sex,
That the "Old 1890's were Gay".
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703

March winds that chill bones and fill sails,
Beside which any other gust pales,
But as any gob knows,
Quite superlative blows,
Can be had, time to time, from May gales.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9811

The kids who are born are first rate,
But they're fewer than ever, of late.
There's no hanky-panky
Between John and Frankie,
Because of that Heidi Vorss Raite.
--- Al Willis

Spiteful "phone-for-sex" sluts from Sioux Falls,
Sit with poised ball point pens in their stalls,
To await love-starved men,
Who again and again,
They brutally Bic in their calls.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9812

All of the young girls I meet
Say sex with me is quite a treat.
They say: Tell if you can,
Are you one of the Klan,
'Cause you're a wizard under the sheet.
--- Rob Weiner

There is simply no way of ignoring
That young Scottish lassie from Loring,
Who earned national fame
When she entered the game,
With her record of super-hot scoring.
--- Jemstone

One Sunday, a harlot named Gloria
Established a beat in Victoria.
Next day in her whoredom
She died out of boredom;
Hence on Mundi 'twas sic transit gloria.
--- Hugh Oliver 110a

A dwarf psychic, named Monsieur LaFarge,
Was thrown into jail on a charge
Of robbing a bank --
But he excaped from the tank.
Now he's a "small medium at large".
--- Tamara Alibeckoff A

A Viking clan member on course
Was arrested for stealing a horse.
They tried to manhandle
The encroaching vandal,
But a stolen roan gathers mo' Norse.
--- Rob Ellis T9712

A deviant doctor, though slick,
With colleagues could not ever click,
Because, shirking his calls,
By attending gay balls,
And his scandalous ducking of sick.
--- Bob Giandomenico

He charmed her with excessive flattery
And plyed her with gifts every Saturday.
The Egyptian ruler
Turned suddenly crueler,
Attacking with a Sultan battery...
--- Jon Gearhart

"What Ho!" shouted Admiral Biggers;
"What ho, Sir!" responded his riggers.
He then asked his crew
Why their faces were blue:
"What ho' has been pulling your triggers?"

--- Norm Storer P9603

The homesick GI thought of Nell,
A hooker back home--she was swell.
He wrote to his parents,
Who showed their forebearance
By wiring right back, "Whore is well."
--- Lucas Hulp P9410

With this verse I don't wish to tempt fate,
But for once I need to get this straight.
By no idle suggestion
Do I now pose this question:
Can illiterates alliterate?
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P0110

A traditional formalist poet
Said, "I've got a good sex life--I know it!
My heroic meter
Will satisfy Peter
Unless Ana pests and I blow it.
--- Ann Gasser P9307

I think it is mostly genetic,
But Ann seems to be apathetic.
Since she was begot,
She sleeps quite a lot.
She's now know as Ann Esthetic
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A typewriter, down in West Kent,
Went mad when its keys got all bent.
On letters and packets
It wrote "4 & []"
And "a ? @ 10%"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

I love a bilingual pun.
It doubles the word-play fun.
And with one tongue obscure,
The players are fewer.
It's pretty much one-on-one.
--- Norm Brust

A firm ought to do what it preaches;
The claim of clothes cleaner Bob Keech is:
"We leave nothing to chance,"
But he mislaid my pants;
I'm suing for promise of breeches.
--- Armand Singer

The chief thespian, despite his co-ercions,
Saw the gulf between his and their versions.
But out walked the cast
Stage left, from the blast;
They all thought he was casting as Persians.
--- Doug Harris P0503

A venturesome sculptor, named Sloane,
Sculpted statues of Lassie from stone.
Lassie's agent got word,
And said, "This is absurd,
Collie modeling I cannot condone."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0106

In Paris a plumber named Reese
Said his girl was a very fine piece.
But her cunt was too dry,
So this plumber so sly,
Gave her pussy a full cup de grease.
--- Al Chaplin P0303

On festival days in antiquity,
Imbibing a potent brown liquid, he
Went out with the boys
And created such noise --
Producing a din of iniquity.
--- Norm Storer P9701

The sign says "This door is alarmed"
And I wonder at just what has harmed
This poor piece of wood,
And maybe I should
Stay with it until it has calmed.
--- Peter Wilkins

This is file xzl

A Irishman named Alexandre,
While trekking up north as a wanderer,
Encountered thick ice
And had to think twice;
He'd stumbled upon Dublin tundra
--- Anon

Didn't write it down? Expecting regrets?
No! A poet is not one who frets
There's no need to yearn;
One day 'twill return,
Because an eloquent never forgets.
--- Doug Harris P0502

A careless young skater named Fisk
Delighted to frolic and frisk
On thin ice in the bay,
Though his parents would say,
It was foolish his small *.
--- A N Wilkins P0211

Good puns are made, you can't breed 'em.
You must know what they say 'fore you read 'em.
Yes, puns are the jewels
That took our verbal tools
Of communication and freed 'em.
--- Anon

Though your vote will be eagerly sought
In the fray currently being fought.
You don't vote, you explain;
Politics are a pain,
Yet a campaign provides feud for thought.
--- Esther Koch P090

Such tricks as are "done" with the tongue,
Like limericks and girls who are young,
Are but thinly restrained
And lingustically tamed;
The number too many to be sung.
--- Anon

Young Nina from Athens will lift
Her skirt, thus revealing her rift.
It's full of diseases
And crab lice and fleases...
Beware, lads, of Greeks baring gifts.
--- Anon

Our Danish Prince wasn't so big.
He rode around town in a gig.
The food he would scoff,
With his head in the trough...
Our Hamlet's a very small pig.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Indulging in internet chatter,
Might locate chapeau on a platter.
But for custom chapeau,
The best place you can go
Is right to the mart of the hatter.
--- Esther Koch P0107

A printer whoe name was Joe Dolan,
Had max punctuation his goal, an'
He'd put commas and dots
In unlikely spots,
But ended up bursting his :.
--- Tiddy Ogg

What you heard may not be what you heard.
And what's read may just seem quite absurd.
If you want a chuckle
That might bust your buckle,
Then a good pun is its own reword.
--- Observer

I received two books as a gift,
But I felt my attitude shift.
'Twixt Jonathan's satire
And young Tom's new gyre,
My turnaround was none too swift.
--- P E Murphy

Read Marshall, then Ivan; now shift.
Add Jonathan if you are miffed.
Where this reading will lead
Is reward for the deed,
Justice, Terrible, and Swift.
--- P E Murphy

"The next time you make up a pun,"
A father once said to his son,
"Go out in the yard,
And kick yourself hard,
And I will begin when you've done."
--- Anon

Said teacher to parent, "Young Larry
Is failing at school. He's unwary."
Asked mother, then sighing,
"Pray tell, is he trying?"
Responded the teacher, "Yes, very!"
--- Observer

Lord Loverly sighed, "What's the matter
With my wife since she met that young satyr;
Our rapport's a perplex.
All she yaks of is sex.
How I hate Lady Loverly's chatter."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0105

My pen I can herewith discard,
If you study my counsel quite hard.
You may, I forsee,
A limerick bard be,
And have no more limericks barred.
--- Archie

A cab driver's verse was quite stunning.
His poems, they had lots of punning.
Metric feet were a flop
'Cause he just couldn't stop.
So he said that his meter was running.
--- Kirk Miller

Of all the world's verses recorded,
The ones we've most carefully hoarded
Are the limericks spun
Which prove that the pun
Is mightier, by far, than the sordid.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8801a

The old garbage collector did find
That collection can be a big grind;
Because garbage must not
Stay too long in one spot,
For a waste is a bad thing to mind.
--- Al Chaplin P0303

Of course money is not alone
In serving as pun's grinding stone.
With parallels endless,
Although he'll be friendless,
The punster need never atone.
--- Anon

Said Fisk to a lady named Yates,
"When I see you, my heart palpitates."
But she said to him, "Fisk,
I have no *,
Which is why I do not go on dates."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2846

In the talent show's very last cuts,
Was a comic named Biff who's too nuts,
Two musicians, sans class,
And a dancer's bare ass --
No Biff and no bands and no butts.
--- Dr Limerick

It's easy for us to complain,
When somehow you don't have a brain.
We're here to have fun,
With maybe a pun.
So remember: No pain, no gain.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A punner, a contest attended,
To enter ten puns he intended.
His ego was tossed,
When finish line crossed.
His effort, "no pun in ten did."
--- Chris Papa

A contest has recently ended
For quality puns which offended.
I entered again
And submitted ten.
As for winning, no pun in ten did.
--- Res Ipsa

With color enough for twin spectra,
This plane really needs nothing extra.
As I walk to the back,
I rejoice I wore black,
For my Mourning Becomes Electra.
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Fisk
Who placed, in his rectum, a disk.
When they said, "It's not safe,"
He replied with a chafe,
"Be quiet, it's my *"
--- Keith Gilman P0107

"Memory Man" went jogging with chaps
From Mensa, to rest his synapse.
But after a short circuit,
He could no more shirk it;
He'd only completed one lapse!
--- Doug Harris P0503

"In Boston," said Jane, "it makes sense
To go for the specialty: hence
I've come to get scrod."
And her friend said, "That's odd,
You've used the past pluperfect tense."
--- Isaac Asimov

A young fan of E. Wharton's E. Frome
Penned a book in the den of his home.
At his friends' strong behest,
And convinced they knew best,
Then produced his one strange peer shaped tome.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401

An English prof's incarceration
In a jail on a lake caused frustration.
His only delight:
Monthly meets with his wife;
Would you call this penile conjugation?
--- Conch

William Penn's uncles' wives saw a chance
To sell homemade pies at a dance.
The high cost of these pies
Made folks criticise
The outrageous pie rates of Penn's aunts.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8805

In the henhouse a chicken so wise
Wrote a book of her life mid the flies--
How her children were beaten
Before birth and were eaten--
The books title was Pullet Surprise.
--- Albin Chaplin P9203