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A young writer of poems did surmise, To frighten the chicks Tom devises A playwright, one Athol Fugard, Here's a limerick which some have heard A hungry lion came into camp; Coming on inter-library loan Charles Dickens" not known for his ditties, An astronomer thought he would try There was a young student of Kent As a callipygian form stuns, A classicist somewhat lupine, The surveyor, Ms. Gloria Pitt, The book peddler, Simon from Wooster It's the punsters that give me the giddies; A new book most people enthralls A man may find after he strolls Reviewers have leveled attacks, He'd been non-fluent since childhood days. Every lady that I've dated heretofore, The purveyor of cookies, Max Moon, At the leather store, Parker and Knowles, In chess, a Grandmaster partook That thing I'd stuck down, to my sorrow, There's the hare -- from a child's song I borrow -- At learning she's slow, so Jane Borrow Young John Brown likes pretending he's Zorro, A U-boat commander was sent to He would save every penny he earned, The were camping and eating some taro. I've never met Oliver Clozoff, Seymour Butz is his next door neighbor; Oliver's frined, Willy Jabber, On some old-time paintings I've checked, I guess though, the guy that did paint "Display of such items of charm Or was it just strange air pollution? Not sure that it's gauze; I suspect "Hey Otto, you there?" calls his boss. This newsgroup's been given a boost His wife now calls "Liebling, wo bist?" He tottered towards home, but he missed He looks at young Ula's firm bust, She replied, "Herr Schindler, du biest The race has been run, hard and fast; He stands with his tool in his fist; Since this topic's begged for a new twist, We students were not very fond The teacher made a pointed threat: Alex Bell, praised often in poems, I heard about Graham's Bell-end Will somebody tell Brother Bruno There was an Australian named Clyson; An ancient explorer named Wright, An old tamer of tigers named Stu, There was a young lady from Kent, In China a forger Ah Su Ling There was a young fellow with zest, Parnella, a hooker, indeed, A comedian tabby named Jill These two nuts were out taking a walk, Footsteps behind them grew near; The press that night was halted, Wanted breakfast, shops closed but don't sweat it. On the river, canoeing with Freddy, Near old Scotland's North Sea's craggy cliffs, At the zoo, all the wallabies frown;
That reward for his talent was wise.
He asked for a pet.
Then started to fret,
When given a pullet surprise.
--- Observer
Sheets of white, for turkeys, wise is.
His gobblin' will fool
Those chicks so uncool,
This poultry guised pullets surprises.
--- Anon
South africa's brightest new bard.
Said of Old QE2,
"This simply won't do--
I declare it's a real base Cunard."
--- Norm Storer P9606
And pronounced as completely absurd.
Seems the Englishman May
Addressed P. M. Roget,
Saying, "Sir, may I have a quick word?"
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0401
One man reading, one writing by lamp.
The lion the reader chose
For everyone knows
Readers Digest, but writers cramp.
--- Daniel Ford
She improved Egyptology's tone,
By translating the glyphs
From notes which were Cliffs,
The bright talented Rosetta Stone.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201
Made money from prose. But for pity's
Sake; if but sooner,
He'd peddled (like Spooner),
He'd be rich from the "Tale of two Cities."
--- Doug Harris P0511Q
To get rid of a cyst in his eye.
But, because so undeft,
He soon found he was left,
With multifarious scars in the sty.
--- Bob Giandomenico
Who worked doubled up in a tent.
When his friends asked "Why so?"
He replied "I don't know.
I suppose it's my scholarly bent."
--- Anon
So those wordsmiths who cook up their runs,
Excite maximum sway,
And achieve their best play,
When they're baking a share of great puns.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9812
Married a latinist he thought divine.
At any rate
They would conjugate,
Till she said, "I must decline."
--- Dick Ford
Used an optical tool 'til it quit.
So Ms. Pitt with chagrin
Had to pack it all in,
Due to Ms. Gloria's sic transit.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0010
Once tickled a lady and goosed her.
Whereupon she lost poise
And she made a great noise.
"Please be quiet," said Simon and shooshed her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2843
I think they are after our biddies.
And what temptress would not
Rush off at the thought
Of being the tail of two cities?
--- Anon
Now selling at all major malls.
Unless you're low brow
Get your copy now:
"The Tiger's Revenge" by Claude Balls.
--- Anon
Out in rain with his shoes full of holes,
One should use a gazette
On the shoes when they're wet.
These Times really do dry men's soles.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9004
At the authors of dull paperbacks,
Whose writing they rap,
As an excell of pap,
From the trite side, they say, of the racks.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9704
His folks thought it was merely a phase.
In speech he'd hem and haw
Interject uh, ah, aw,
And annoy with the er of his ways.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0301
Wrote me poems, 'fore she crossed my door.
There'd be no confusion
That her body I'm usin',
'Cause she'd know from the start what I metaphor.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe
Never counted his blessings too soon.
So when Lorna, his wife,
Left him for the "good life",
He was shocked and asked, "What's Lorna doin'?"
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105
With punches they beaver like moles.
But neither retails
The client's details...
So ask not for whom the belt holes.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In studies, some taking a look
At stress in the game.
But for now, all the same,
He's improved, but still biting the rook.
--- Doug Harris P0605
Some robber decided to borrow.
A warning: don't use
Those second-rate glues...
They're adhere today, gone tomorrow.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who bopped field mices's heads. To his sorrow,
When his three chances passed,
He was transformed, alas!
And 'twas said, "Hare today, gone tomorrow."
--- Hilde na Baeg
Gives driving instructors much sorrow.
"Although it's distressing,
You're slowly progressing...
It's gears today, horn tomorrow."
--- Tiddy Ogg
As he danced with his sword in the barr-oh.
He has now been drafted.
When scissors were wafted,
He'd cry, "Hair today! Shorn tomorrow!"
--- Hilde na Baeg
The Warsaw despicable ghetto.
Instead of a sailor,
He was merely the jailer
Thus making "Herr today, goon tomorrow."
--- Tosspot
'Stead of spending it on her, she learned.
"If that what it's like,
Well then go take a hike."
So a penny saved is a penny spurned.
--- A P Burner
They sat and told stories of horror.
With food left in a sack,
Visitors soon came back.
More to come -- hear toady, (rac)coon tomorrow.
--- Hilde na Baeg
Or Heywood Jablowme, the old sloth,
Or his friend, Ben Dover
Or Neil Down from over
On front street beside Jack Mehoff.
--- Puff Adder TP9807
He lives with Fonda Dix in a trailer,
Across from Jack Schitt
And his live-in Mike Litt,
Ant their two dogs, Stay and Laythere.
--- Puff Adder TP9807
Is in love with Wanda Grabber.
Their marriage is set
To be performed by Juan Tibet,
Music by pianist Dick Schlobber.
--- Puff Adder TP9807
The nude girls are often bedecked
With some wispy stuff
That covers their muff,
Which damps one's lust... gauze and effect.
--- Anon
This is file xyl
These scenes was told "Man you just cain't
Portray all these cuties
Displaying their bootys;
'Twill only give gauze for complaint.
--- Anon
To prudes, may do them untold harm."
The painter thus places
This film o'er such spaces
That may well give gauze for alarm.
--- Anon
We now have a gauze of confusion.
Go look, statistician,
At Rubens and Titian,
Say if it's a gauze (Gauss) distribution.
--- Anon
That those artists were often erect,
And while painting a muff
They'd shoot jizzimy stuff
On the canvas, to cause that effect.
--- Anon
To the four winds his words they are tossed.
He's not to be found,
In the country around...
'Cause everyone knows Schindler's lost.
--- Tiddy Ogg
(Or maybe we've only been goosed)
By release of these verses;
'Midst kudos and curses,
It's certain that Schindler's loosed.
--- John Miller
And there, in a brandy fume mist,
Does stand our friend Otto,
He's totally blotto,
Or as we Brits say: Schindler's pissed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Providing town gossips more grist
For their bad-mouthing mill,
And I guess they are still
Making fun of poor Schindler's list.
--- John MIller
And says "Schoene madchen, you must
Come with me to bed,
And wide your legs spread."...
That's right, it's the famed Schindler's lust.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Zu grosse!" (She confessed to her priest
That although she liked mine
And Tiddy's just fine,
She preferred Otto Schindler's least)
--- John Miller
The finish line all now have passed,
Except for our Otto,
Who, true to his motto,
Is still on his way...Schindler's last.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He's taken his aim, now he's pissed.
All though, it's all
Gone over the wall
And not in the bowl...Schindler's missed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Here's a variant heretofore missed.
When Herr Schindler would lean
Hard to port, it would mean:
He was demonstrating Schindler's list
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0205
Of reading the verse "Walden Pond."
It was old and outdated
And way overrated;
From the class we did try to abscond.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe
More homework we all would get.
"You'll read and give explanation
'Bout lives of quiet desperation,
'Cause I am not Thoreau with you yet!"
--- Guy Ben-Moshe
Matters not how just how far he roams.
He can never go wrong;
It seems that his dong
Knows the way. For Bell, the tool homes.
--- Ericka
And all of the twats it did rend.
This fellow, though dapper,
Possessed such a clapper,
That every gal was his friend.
--- SFA
That sex during Lent is a no-no?
Is that Golda's task-a?
I don't know, Alaska.
I know but how would a Juneau?
--- Anon
They asked if he had seen a bison.
He replied, "Why you bloke,
This is some kind of joke?
Why a bison's what I wash my fice in."
--- Albin Chaplin a
Discovered a bay one fine night.
He gave it his name
But he sank, just the same...
His Barque was far worse than his bight.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Had an animal act not quite new.
Being chewed, mauled withal
He retired to Nepal
Pray, what else would a big cat man do?
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9611
Who asked me, "Hey, are you the gent,
Who sells folk that glue,
You mix sand with too,
For building?" I know what cement.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Disguised a tin can for a sting.
A curator thought it
A bargain and bought it;
How she loves the can who would be Ming.
--- Anon
Who strolled on the pier at Key West.
He liked being seen
In the Caribbean,
And never cared a bean for the rest.
--- Anon
Was adept killing men's carnal need.
A trice on her belly,
Turned johns into jelly,
As, "Slay it again, Pam," they'd plead.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0212
Headed a New York twin bill.
They rolled in the aisles;
They all left with smiles.
Jill mused, "I just guess it's Catskill..."
--- Tutta Gioia
One night in old Central Park...
Late one night,
The moon, not bright,
The shadows were growing quite dark.
--- Gearhart
The first nut he ran off in fear.
The second held ground,
Stopped, turned around,
Then screamed out for all to hear.
--- Gearhart
But interviews only resulted
In nothing more
That headlines which bore
ONE NUT RAN -- ONE A-SALTED.
--- Gearhart
If I miss a meal I won't regret it.
But we did find a diner,
A perfect one-liner.
The name of the place? "Cum and Get It".
--- Anon
A maiden declared she was ready;
But while they were busy
They both became dizzy,
Because they were caught in an eddy.
--- Ed Potts P8607
Lassies there avoid family rifts;
Descend steeps in the dark
Wrapped in a Cutty Sark
As they go down to the see in shifts.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9607
Their habitat's dull grey and brown.
Says their Irish designer,
"Bold hues would be finer.
Me plan? Dye me kangaroo town!"
--- Paul Lusch P9410
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