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A nuclear scientist on a mission From an oyster bed under the sea, A rancher, finances in shock, "The secret when hunting for 'gators," Among the sad chumps we recall, The sportscasters up in their high sites A nosy and meddlesome witch, Irish loved a young girl named Tor- The Swedish zoo keeper named Mel A scheming, ambitious go-getter, The case of a poor, hungry soul, A former old Chief of the Cree sent No one expects to telephone for free, "When we build our new bathroom," said Fred, A dredger of bivalves admits A curvaceous horse trainer, Miss Brewer, "That house has no toilet," said Danny. I wonder how they had the gall The stocky Ird drinks up a storm, My new son has me paying the piper. While tracking the cannibals' flight, And further down in the pit, Two Japs, on their holiday flight, An origami instructor with heart, The donkey loved chewing up glass. Some pirates, including a 1st mate, The bulb in the bathroom was bright, There was a young fellow called Shit, A corn husker with seizures admits, The cause of his death, nothing stellar, Two buckets of vomit strolled near When his doctor asked Michael McCurdy When a door's not a door it's bizarre Some say wordplay and puns are a sin, As the bingo announcer's voice boomed, A little league umpire, free, Two strawberries, birds of a feather, Goose a ghost, get a handful of sheet; (John Dohner - limerick author)
I always eat cabbage quite raw, My dear, if you'd just studied science, In Great Britain when troubles foment, A Kellog's exec. name of Miller It's a concept which isn't unnerving, In most Super Marts I've found this true: The currant crops flourished that year. The life of a grape, we lament Oh, poor ice cream vendor Joe Brand, The Brit farmer nicknamed "Bone" Marrow In the town of Devine, Izzy Klein "You've told me before?" "But of course, Though trip to a dentist, he'd hate, The dentist avoided delays Your dental help gains a new phase; There was a homemaker named Pat, A chilly young Eskimo named Nanuoo, The cafe's in crisis, surprise! A baker's accountant so unwise At a cafe, a man next to me A braunschweiger eater named Kurst So what is your answer, my deer? Her feelings toward him were quite vicious, Said a young country bumpkin named Hall, When I used to fry eggs for my Daisy, A baker from China named Chu A rooster became quite dismayed, To the driver's seat "Rosie" could climb,
For a break to the grind had been wishin'.
So he left on his chair
A bold sign hangin' there:
"Back in a half life, I've gone fission."
--- Doug Harris P0502
Came a mollusc's lament, "Woe is me.
This Feeling of colic,
Is more than symbolic,
A gritty pearl's like a malady."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9803
Pawned twelve tons of manure from his stock,
To pay bill that were due,
When a press interview
Made news of this large puckey hock.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9902
Bob says, filling nets with potaters,
"The trick," he tells you,
"Is coat them with goo!"
That's how he joined Pro-Master Baiters.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
As having the least on the ball,
Stooges, suckers and saps,
Oafs and dunces in caps,
Cubic rubes are the squarest of all.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0110
Cover football and baseball and guy fights,
But how would it bounce
If one would announce:
"From today's games, the whores and the skylights!"
--- Norm Storer
As the neighborhood fink found her niche.
And so slyly alert,
That no item of dirt,
Was safe from this beaky old snitch.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0510Q
y. Large-chested, brainless young whore!
She bounced off of walls
And got lost in halls.
Could someone show Tory a door?
--- Anon
Would never complain of the smell.
He was quick and adept
And he said as he swept,
"It's aardvark, but it pays very well."
--- Albin Chaplin
Snagged a weak-bladdered, wealthy jet-setter,
But then upwardly fed,
With their water-logged bed,
Snarled snidely, "I could have wed better."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9902
With a belly to fill, his one goal,
Is pathetic indeed.
But he's no less in need,
Than a creature whose hut has no bowl.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0201
Smoke signals some thought were indecent.
I don't think I heard
Any four-letter word,
But I want to know what the ex-Cree meant.
--- John E Maywood
Yet each time my phone bill I see,
It sure makes me mad
For each surcharge they add.
Seem like "fee call" matter to me.
--- Guy Ben-Moshe
"We will get a good blacksmith instead
Of hiring a plumber,
Who might take all summer.
This way we are forging a head."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8712
He's spastic, but never omits
He's a different frenetic
From a whore, diarrhetic,
Since the oysterman shucks between fits.
--- Hugh Clary
Was a most splendid sight for the viewer;
Whether dressed for the stables
Or resplendent in sables,
Being randy, the young horsemen knew her.
--- Armand E Singer 11
"I looked in each nook and each cranny.
I guarantee you
Cannot poop-de-doo.
A house with no toilet's uncanny."
--- Al Willis T9712
To sell this book to Uncle Paul
'Cause we all can tell
It's not written well:
I. P. Standing's "Gold Waterfall."
--- Anon
So pissing while playing's his norm.
He gets so excited
In conjuctio united,
The burly Ird wets the germ.
--- CB TP9807
My expenses for Pampers are hyper.
I'm in up to my ears.
My account's in arrears.
What I need is a messy debt wiper.
--- Jerry Nordal P0106
I could tell they were gluttons last night.
Eating breasts, full and fat,
When I saw in their scat
Some nips that were passed in the shite.
--- Hugh Clary
I saw what would make you just shit!
They must like the taste,
Although it's a waste;
For there in the shit was a clit!
--- Archie
Found they worked at the same sewer site.
And in the same sewer,
(Although he never knew her)
They were just two Nips passing in the shite!
--- Percy Longprong
Though senescent, his lore would impart.
His age and his prudence,
Affected his students,
So awed were they by this fold art.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0503
Then one day he got taught some class.
Though nowt was begot,
The sex was so hot,
That now there's a pane in the ass.
--- Ericka
Were hungry so they just couldn't wait.
Why did two of these goons,
Engorge several doubloons,
When they would vomit pieces of ate?
--- Tom Patton
But then it burned out late last night.
'Twas a horrible sight,
But to fix the thing right,
I had to replace the head light!
--- John Dohner P8804
A name he disliked quite a bit.
So he changed it to Shite,
A step to the right
Direction, one has to admit.
--- Victor Gray
That a floozy with flux is the pits.
But if one has the hots
Banging broads with the trots,
Is no worse than to shuck between fits.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410
Though rescuers barfed and turned yeller.
But this caused a groan,
Writ on his headstone --
"'Neath here lies an old, dead smart feller."
--- Anon
A pub, sniffed the smell of stale beer;
Said one: "Listen, will ya,
This place seems familiar,
Yeah, I was brought up around here."
--- Anon
If his movements were loose or were sturdy,
He answered, "They're runny,
But right on the money
At the same time each morning, thin turdy."
--- Jerry Nordal P0509
That this word means just open so far.
If it's heavily slammed
Then it may well be jammed,
But it's never ajammed - it's ajar.
This is file xal
But I'm sorry, they just make me grin.
Take a word like ajar.
I would say insofar
As its use? It's what pickles come in.
To the all-you-can-eat bar I zoomed.
I ate teeny amounts
Of the bread (just an ounce)
To make up for the B5 consumed.
--- Jerry Nordal
After games to the bleacher would flee,
In the sun there to bask,
Not removing his mask,
Then a baked dappled umpling was he.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410
Had just reached the end of their tether;
One lamented and said:
"Wish we'd not shared that bed,
And ended in this jam together."
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P9206
Chop a bird, and you get shredded tweet;
Blood Dohners, you know
Is misspelt -- a typo;
A bun is a low form of wheat.
--- Ed Potts P8802
Although it is hard on the jaw
And stays in the gut
For eight hours. But
I feel I must live by Cole's Law.
--- Anon
And physics, you'd not show defiance.
It should be cooked for hours,
As should cauliflowers;
On Boyle's law please have reliance.
--- Anon
The denizens show they've a bent
To set things right with tea,
Not fiat nor decree,
And the tea brewed is "Caustic Comment.
--- L C Fitzhugh P0112
Devised a new food, mostly filler.
It helped to starve millions
Of hapless civilians;
They jailed him, that cereal killer.
--- Armand Singer
But when paths taken remain unswerving,
By folks in the mood
To wolf down Chinese food,
Wouldn't such a buffet be self-serving?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0509
When the cheese is on sale, there's a queue.
To the Roquefort and Brie
The access remains free,
But they're forced to cordon off the Bleu.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105
They were put out for sale far and near.
The newspapers hence
Called them "currant events'
And their headlines exulted "Hear! Here!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8607
For it falls to the ground when it's spent.
When it shrivels and dries,
It will end up in pies,
Thus becoming a currant event.
--- Al Chaplin P8607
His soft serve's not frozen as planned.
August's God-awful heat
Can fry eggs on the street;
He calls it his custard's last stand.
--- Armand Singer
Trod a path that was quite straight and narrow.
The industrious ant
Won't outdo him. It can't.
To assure he'll be Eton, he'll Harrow.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0800
Would give all the boys a high sign.
He was one fruit in town
Who would always go down;
He was called the Fruit of Devine.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And you still show no signs of remorse.
Making coffee for me,
'Stead of tea, don't you see,
Is most certainly grounds for divorce.
--- Peter Wilkins
A gent with ache from dental plate,
On visit one day,
Went on his way,
To get some relief from his fate.
--- Chris Papa
And found source, 'mid murmurs of praise.
The trouble, you see,
Came quite precisely
From eating a sauce hollaidaise.
--- Chris Papa
With chrome plate, your mouth will amaze.
When all's said and done,
The reason will run,
There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
--- Chris Papa
Who couldn't sew, knit or tat.
She baked bread for the fair,
Won a blue-ribbon there,
And said, "Thank you, I sure kneaded that!"
--- Philisse Barrows
Lit a fire to warm his canoe.
His boat it did sink;
He too, slid in the drink.
You can't have a kayak and heat it too.
--- James Murray
"All pastries are stolen", their cries.
The staff, they say, "Strewth!
It's not us, there's no truth.
We believe it's just your lack of pies".
--- Doug Harris P0605
Stole the dough from the bank, no surprise.
Confronted by the boss
Replied, "Don't make me cross
I am sure it's all a pack of lies."
--- Tom Patton P0111
Ordered twenty-two candles for tea.
When I murmured, "How quaint,"
He replied, "No, it ain't.
I'm on a light diet, you see."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Thought that his stomach would burst.
But his doctor said, "Nay!
Your stomach's okay;
I'd say that your liver is wurst."
--- Walter Sabel
Do you veal I'd give you a bum steer?
To a fawn like ewe,
Now why would I do
That to my young maiden fair.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He claimed that her meal was delicious,
And then painfully croaked,
When on ground glass he choked;
The court claimed her deal was malicious.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0604
"The town that I'm from is so small,
If it wasn't for
Our own yogurt store,
We would have no culture at all!"
--- Observer
I dint break the shells, 'cause I lazy.
The eggs then were crunchy,
But she thinks I'm punchy.
OMLETTE you decide if I crazy.
--- Al Willis
Answered this lady he knew.
"Why am I broke?
Sell to no folk?
'Cause I Only Have Pies for You!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With an orange in a nest, well displayed.
He called in his chicks,
"Mom's up to her tricks!
Look at the orange 'marma-laid'."
--- Gerard Schons
The best teamster on Parsely's Stage Line.
At route's end in the West
Was heard, (you have guessed?)
"Parsley's stage and Rosemary's on time."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703 a
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