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Roget had an awful concussion; May and June, two ladies, I hear, A pooper of parties at best, I once knocked a foul-mouthed screwball, "Outdoor camping is my preference," Old Paul Lynde, a mean clown of renown, Haikus are just for the birds; A salesman selling ads, name of Rand, A careless chef badly mistook, I have heard an indelicate rumor A seasoned wire walker named Hall A steelworker once said, "I felt What's the difference 'twixt old fogy Vic Since stenopads are used by stenographers, That job, Jon, must really be grand; Said a pun that my wife didn't like. What's the difference: one guy's volunteered A novelist, wedded to scenes, A scullery boy from Granada As I age, and my judgment matures, When out sailing with Sir Francis Drake, Sowing grain on a cold, widswept hill, If out on a date you are stricken, Abe's web site will sure set you thinkin', In a rathskellar, just about bar time, Young Nina would stay up quite late A certain chef MacIntosh, I hear, Lynda's French aunt came to her fin; "I love my new baby," gushed Mandy, Ben and Arn shared a dwelling at Carnold, In comedy there is much scope His bit was new bent all to Hell; Come sit down, and grab you some beers; The west coast of France, it appears, A stout Amerind Squaw made a pitch It's well known that Frederick Chopin In Poland he's known as a cavorter; Had primitive islands been kinder A butchy, androgynous chick, The parrot I kept in a carton, An old British butler, McFunt, Zen Master Bob Hayakawa Asbury, envoy of John Wesley, The story of Emily's ghost: After one of his speed thirsty rants, A sign shop owner was quite arty; When Proctor entrapped her and focked her, Bea Arthur said, "It just frustrates me, This dancer, athletic, no nelly, White House plumbing sounds like a bassoon; A girlfriend of Mr Mandel She misplaced her favorite cassette, Lizabeth's image makes John catch his breath; In the tea house's loo, girls would remain The actyor would view with disdain, For singers and folks in show-biz, The cow of O'Leary, we learned, Although he was merely a stripling, (I don't know, I've never Kippled - old joke - McW)
Said Martin, "The Church's a dung-hill; The movie star was a discerner, The Maharaja of Hoipolloi Ms Liberty, seeing no balance, Chemistry's Linus's calling; He's fearless in the face of danger; Getting bait for fishing ain't nothin'; Brigham Young, ranked with scribes, was a trailer,
Synonymized every discussion.
The enchanting Miss Yokitov
Said, "Would you please knock it off!
I'm not in a hurry, I'm RUSSIAN!"
--- Lassies Lover TP9806
Visiting cannibals, went too near.
Said Dave to Mike:
What's that bit taste like?"
"It's hammy, Dave, is June's ear."
--- Tony Burrell
Will make for a lackluster guest.
With no stories nor tricks,
Never sweetening the mix,
Only serving to nether your fest.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0101
From a building of 10 stories tall.
Even though I protested,
I still was arrested
For making an obscene clone fall.
--- Anon
Said a sadist, "And in consequence,
A wigwam is where
I will pull my girl's hair,
To make sure that the pain is in tents."
--- Isaac Asimov
One fine day on the street was knocked down
By a gal he gave flack.
"You look like Helen Black,
And you don't look much better in brown."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0509
Limericks are beloved by nerds.
There's lot of fun
Here under the sun
In punning and playing on words.
--- Monique de Plume
At the beach had a thought that was grand.
For his biggest client
The ad would be giant;
He started with a line on the sand.
--- Tom Patton P0203
A quite poisonous fish for a snook.
A judge hearing of it,
Served the restaurant a writ,
Which made the chef, court order shook.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0401
About the Editer's (sic) humor.
He likes a sick pun.
If a cancerous one,
It's even more fun if there's tumor!
--- Laurence Perrine P9206
Had a spring in his step known to all,
Till he took a bad trip,
Leaving people to quip,
How the spring in his step became fall.
--- Robbabe
So bad with the hand I was dealt,
For my old sense of smell
Was now going to hell,
But look at the steel that I smelt!"
--- John Dohner P8801
And the passion to multiply quick
In an Irishman's blood?
One's a stick in the mud,
And the other's a stud in a mick!
--- Anon
And photos are snapped by photographers,
I guess by deduction,
They call liposuction
Administers simply suckographers.
--- Jon Gearhart
To take wobbly flesh in your hand,
And suck out what fills...
Then send massive bills,
And live off the fat of the land.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Moved away so her fist wouldn't strike.
And I knew that she'd plead
That a stroll, I did need.
Sure enough, she replied, "Take a hike!"
--- Kirk Miller
To peel onions; the other's been sheared
Of his locks on the side?
One's become teary-eyed,
And the other's become tidy-eared!
--- Cyber Geezer
Disapproved of by othodox deans,
Observed, "It is true
That my stories are blue,
But they're told to the ultra-marines."
--- Anon Punch 1924 (Bibby)
Seduced a young maid in the larder.
Her modest denials
Soon succumbed to his wiles.
The moral? If thwarted, try ardour.
--- John Dole P9604
I've adopted good taste which assures
That my values hold true,
So I say this to you:
Now that I've upped my standards, up yours.
--- Jerry Nordal P0301a
We discovered Veronica Lake.
We climbed Peggy Mount
(Jimmy Hill doesn't count).
Scaling Cliff was a dreadful mistake.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Each young monk is praying that he'll
Be sent to his bed
Due to his frozen head;
The lucky one Wins Tonsure Chill.
--- Dr Limerick
With choking on Maryland chicken,
The Heimlich works best
On girls with small breasts --
Rely on an A-bra Heimlichin'.
--- Dr Limerick
'Bout copin' while cuttin' down drinkin'.
It's amazin' to see,
Its popularity;
Everybody's to Abraham linkin'.
--- Dr Limerick
Al orders a round for the last time;
But Klaus, Hans and Fritz
Were calling it quits,
So to die fraulein said Albert, "Ein stein."
--- Dr Limerick
With Alex, her helpful young mate,
And grate moldy cheese
That dripped to her knees.
(I saw Alex hand 'er the grate.)
--- Anon
Invented a raincoat to wear
In weather inclement.
Was this the same gent
Famous as apple pie on ear?
--- Tony Burrell
The funeral flowers were grim.
Bouquets made her weep.
She asked, "Were they cheap?"
The price was a wreath a franc, Lyn.
--- Tony Burrell
"The Mahatma made adoption so handy."
Then with a smile and a dimple,
She said, "It's so simple.
It's like taking a baby from Ghandi."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But when Arn's ready cash reservoir nulled,
"Now it does you behoove
To just pack up and move,"
Thus did Ben edict (and evict) Arnold.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
For a man who isn't a dope.
There's plenty of blokes
To write you good jokes;
That's something that gave Bob hope.
--- Tony Burrell
You'd think this would not augur well,
But may bode well still,
Though he's bent a drill,
He has a bowed derrick. She's swell!
--- Gary Hallock
There's sport on TV; have no fears.
Now, quit all this cavillin',
That gal with the javelin,
You just see how Brittany Spears.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file xwl
Has jetties, all mounted in tiers.
I think that is right,
'Cause Pete said I might
Get excited by Brittany's piers.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To drum in the tribal rite niche.
When the chief gave consent,
To a war-dance she went,
And played like a great ruddy bitch.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9606a
Was the grand paramour of George Sand.
He brought her some stones
And a house of her own --
Man, did Chopin p&.
--- Keith Gilman
Dates a girl as a way to reward her.
But the girls are all wise
To these kind of guys.
They laugh as they call him Pole Courter.
--- Tom Patton
To Darwin, the famous sci-finder,
He wouldn't have eaten
That simian meat 'n'
Become the first origin grinder.
--- Keith Gilman P0202
Penis envy had truly heart-sick,
With her gender confused,
From the closet effused,
Re-naming herself Dyke van Dick.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9605
Escaped so the fun was just startin'.
Flying high in the air,
Zigzagging everywhere,
How I love to see Polly dartin'.
--- Tom Patton P0107
Has been canned for a ghastly affront.
At a recent affair,
He welcomed one pair
As "The Deck and the Dootchess of Kunt!"
--- Norm Storer
To maladroit students empower,
Passed up meditation
For remediation;
Teaching the Maladroit High Zen Hour.
--- Dr Limerick
Saving souls from the temptations fleshly,
Said, "I dislike the Fauns,
Faeries, Leprechauns,
And I hate a young Elf, expressly."
--- Dr Limerick
She once surfed the net; now she's toast.
I was reading the news,
(After a few brews)
And I swear I saw Emily Post.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Father Christmas would not accept can'ts.
His sleigh's now an earner
With compost after-burner.
"You can fly by the peat of your Sants!"
--- Doug Harris P0512Q
He made signs for a second party.
To a florist one day,
He had this to say,
"You should name your shop Floral and Hearty."
--- Tom Patton P0303
She soon had to call for the doctor.
So the moral, they say,
If you're going to play,
It is best not to Gamble with Proctor.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2050
How the gun control issue awaits the
Elected to alter."
For that none can fault her,
Yet it's odd how own-a-gat grates Bea.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9602
Had the genius to greatly excell; he
Was strong, supple, fleet
And his talented feet
Could churn puddled streets to keen jelly.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9608
In showers, presidents like to croon.
Melodic ablution
Is the solution;
We'd like to hear George wash in tune.
--- Tony Burrell
Likes to slather his privates with Quell.
He's got nits on his nads
From old typewriter pads,
But he'd rather be shaved by the belle.
--- Anon
And broke the knight from her chess set;
Spent the evening alone,
When her beau didn't phone --
By such problems is Jacqueline beset.
--- Dr Limerick
But she also scares him to death;
He sits nervous, alone
And can't pick up the phone --
He tries, but John Cannot Call Beth.
--- Dr Limerick
Suiting up for their league soccer game;
Distressing the matrons
So a new sign says "Patrons
Who are using the John may not change."
--- Dr Limerick
Any co-star whose role was inane,
A vapid persona,
Begot no corona,
For the Duke couldn't stand a wan Jane.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9605
Academia ain't a great whiz.
What once they were taught
Is of no import,
But for our friend Johnny, math is.
--- Tony Burrell
Kicked the lamp that all Chicago burned.
She was kicking at
A pesky barn cat;
In this way did the Cat, Errin', Help Burn.
--- Dr Limerick
Young Mowgli's huge muscle was rippling;
On seeing Akela
He wasn't a failure
And gave 'er a Ruddy 'ard Kipling.
--- Anon
I shan't slack my efforts until
I can look back and say
We have found a new way,
And then the Lord Ran Off Church Ills.
--- Dr Limerick
Of schools for her kids that were sterner,
But saw that their training,
Did not include caning,
For a teacher should not tan a learner.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9605
Many servants used to employ,
To pull on his suits
And tight riding boots;
He would yell, "Now lean hard, knee-boy!"
--- Tony Burrell
Insulted her trimmer's fine talents.
He pooped out a gem
And tossed it. Yes, him:
The man who shit Liberty's valance.
--- Anon
To him of course, Nobel's falling;
But his advocacy
Of vitamin C
Makes his colleagues find Linus appalling.
--- Dr Limerick
Just who is this perfect stranger?
He's the one that you thank
When you're in the bank,
Where he's known as the Loan Arranger.
--- Thomal M Patton P9901
I know a Kraut bakes it like muffins.
The Wigwam's his pub,
An old gentleman's club;
Where he runs the Lewd Wigwam Bait Oven.
--- Dr Limerick
But quite skilled as a lusty impaler.
With the strongest of drives,
And so many young wives,
They called him the great "Mormon Nailer."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9806
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