Said an eightyish woman named June
When her ninetyish man came too soon,
"You're a stick in the mud
And a useless old dud.
That's twice that you've failed me since noon."
--- Isaac Asimov

Said John, "This elaborate position
Should result in delightful coition;
But with all the exertion
Required for insertion,
I'm too breathless to pump, in addition."
--- Isaac Asimov

I once knew a gal from Algiers,
A virgin for fifty-two years.
She finally broke down
With a night on the town,
And three hours with her thighs on my ears.
--- Anon

So I laid that old maid on her belly
And broke out the old k-y jelly.
Her 'roids I greased,
And I was real pleased
When my dick didn't wind up too smelly.
--- Anon

This may be a joke to you,
But she don't have to be fifty-two.
I had one twenty-three
And as tight as can be.
She turned my once happy balls blue!
--- Anon

I used Crisco, I used K-Y, I used oil;
Still nothing could lighten my toil.
Mr. Happy went limp
Like a tranquilized chimp.
So never did I fertilize the soil.
--- Anon

It was my most frustrating screw;
My worst freakin' nightmare come true.
Now me thinks "tight's" overrated
If can't be integrated.
Now I only screw one's marked 'drive thru'!
--- Anon

Emily Dickinson wrote of great passion,
Wild nights; Wild nights are they rationed?
When we were young,
It was so much fun.
Now the young look on us with compassion.
--- Azul

Little do they know that even now,
Making love is better somehow.
We still get the rush
When our eyes touch,
But we take our time and it's WOW!
--- Azul

That past thousand years has gone quick!
But I fear that it's nature's cruel trick
That the older one is,
Tempus fugit ... like whizzzz!
And reduces the power of one's dick.
--- Anon

But that has advantages too;
No more premature fizzing of goo;
No more single orgasms,
But multiple spasms,
For all of you ladies I woo.
--- Anon

At the end of a life spent in sin,
I look in my mirror and grin:
If I'd thought to ration
My sexual passion,
Perhaps I could still get it in!
--- Norm Storer P0108

With maidens both buxom and thin,
I have sampled all classes of sin.
But of late I have learned
That although fire still burned,
I was just not the man I had been.
--- Norm Storer P0108

While clearing my attic last night,
An old diary of mine came to light.
'69 it was dated,
But was it X-rated?
Dunno; but I'll read it tonight.
--- Anon

It seems that I "Did it with V"
Many times until March 23;
Then from March 24
Seems I did it no more
For in red I wrote "Did it with P".
--- Anon

I "Did it with P" every day
Throughout April and well into May;
Then no entries at all
In my diary 'til fall
When I "Did it with A, J and K".
--- Anon

The entry for January 4
Just reads "Did it with V" nothing more.
Now that "V" could be vigour
Or Vicky I figure;
Or five? Most unlikely I'm sure.
--- Anon

In my calendar for '84,
I noted I managed to score;
She was really gorgeous;
P'raps this girl of George's
Is mine... I'll be his dad-in-law!
--- Anon

And yes George, I did come again,
Three times, though it poured down with rain.
But during that shower
I plucked her sweet flower,...
But was her name Sylvie or Jane?
--- Anon

Another year older; I find
My libido has somewhat declined,
And instead of each day
Somewhat less is OK;
But the thoughts are still there in my mind.
--- Anon

The sequence, as you know, is put neatly:
Tri-nightly, try nightly, tri-weekly.
Then weekly you try,
Now bleakly you sigh,
And now and then you just try weakly.
--- Anon

At night as I lay on my back,
My man explored twin peaks and crack....
The cartography's changed:
The old mountain range
Is now just a hill and train-track!
--- Anon

No matter if only one hill;
It's a brand new explorative thrill.
And as long as the actions
Provoke satisfactions,
There's bundles of fun in it still.
--- Anon

Now older I look at life bleakly;
Good grief, was it really tri-weekly
For many long hours?
So just where have my powers
Gone, reduced as I am to try weakly?
--- Anon

I guess it's a natural trend. Oh,
When young I could reach a crescendo
Most every day,
But it's slipping away,
Now and often a dim innuendo.
--- Anon

If your age is causing distress,
And your power's are less, I suggest,
That you work out a bit,
And soon you'll be fit.
Then, come here and take off my dress.
--- Anon

Now you know you are not being fair;
That night with pencil in the air,
You took me to heaven,
And made love times seven.
As a lover you CANNOT compare.
--- Anon

So quit all this stuff about weakness
And degenerating into antiqueness;
I've had quite enough
And I call your bluff;
The seven? Can you repeat this?
--- Anon

So sorry you no longer wobble;
I loved it, but still I could knobble
You. Now that you're Tigger,
Just bounce on my trigger;
But seven? No wonder I hobble.
--- Anon

Not really distressed 'bout my age;
And my fitness, you'll just have to gauge.
When I start to caress
You and take off your dress;
For your lust I can surely assuage.
--- Anon

Several people expressed regret
Saying wobbly was the best name yet;
If you can hobble,
I suppose I could wobble;
Let's hope I don't live to regret!
--- Anon

Still round here a wobble I'll be;
I prefer to wobble you see.
Had to change a letter,
Do you think this is better?
I am Wobblie no longer Wobbly
--- Anon

As long as you wobble that's fine,
'Cause we all think it's rather divine.
Whether y or i e,
Would you wobble for me
Between tea-time and quarter-past-nine?
--- Anon

This is file xhm

A woman once went to great pains
To fit my wee horsey with reins.
She feared that my colt
Would soon shoot-his-bolt,
And cover her undies with stains.
--- Anon

The women you know sound so sneaky,
(And reins on your horsey's just freaky.)
But on second thought,
Doing laundry ain't hot.
Can't blame her if you're cockaleekie.
--- Anon

Affairs with sweet Roo's? Never knock it!
But take care when inserting your rocket,
If you choose the wrong place,
They'll spray you with mace,
So always we use the right socket!
--- Archie

A young girl of exquisite form
Was quite choosy with whom she'd perform.
But when out in a gale
She'd fuck every male,
Saying, "Any old pork in a storm."
--- G0072

Epileptic cornhusker, young Fritz
Shucked corn and he shucked between fits.
He dated Miss Bruce
Whose bowels were loose,
So he fucked in between fits and shits.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0161

A fellow from Rio del Mar
Had ways that were slightly bizarre.
He said, "It's a lark
To grope in the dark,
But blindfolded is better by far."
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

There was a young lass of New York,
Who loved fondling her boyfriend's big dork.
She would stroke and embrace it,
Then carefully place it
At the spot where her two legs did fork.
--- Isaac Asimov

"How do I love thee?" he would say
To me each and every damn day;
And then he would count
Just after he'd mount;
It sure did take MY breath away!
--- Anon

Now Sam was the pink of deportment;
Of manners he had an assortment.
In his impeccable way
He would courteously lay
And would come with the proper exhortment.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

There was a young man from St Cloud,
Who was fucking his girl in a crowd.
When someone up front
Said "Hm, I smell cunt,"
Just quiet like that, not out loud.
--- William K Alsop Jr

When the daughter went out with Carruther,
His entreaties to fuck she did smother.
But she said, "Please lay down,
I'll get on with no gown."
And she thus did disgrace the boy's mother.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2037

At night after sinking a flagon,
My tail really got quite a wag on.
Then free of all cares
I'd stagger upstairs,
Determined to 'enter the dragon.'
--- Anon

Sally's sex-life was carefully planned.
Said she, "I prefer to be manned.
Things that are anal
Are always so banal,
But things that expand are just grand."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She spread out supine --
A good lay, though a little bit quirky.
--- Edwardian Leer 090

Mused fastidious Molly B Ewing,
"There's a bad downside, even to screwing.
The tight shoe that pinches:
It's only two inches
'Twist pleasure and loathsome poo-pooing.
--- Armand Singer

"Far dearer to me than my treasure,"
The heiress declared, "Is my leisure.
For then I can screw
The whole Harvard crew.
They're slow by that lengthens the pleasure."

(With a cockswain or two, for good measure.")
--- L0355A

With her big lusty bust, Bonnie Boggs
Lures her men as she casually jogs...
She goes for coition
In any position,
But prefers the one used by hedge hogs.
--- Grand Prix Lim 385

A girl who appeared in 'La Ronde'
Once confessed, as she drank a 'biere blonde':
My life's quiet," she wept,
"I do nothing. Except--
Well, I fuck a group called 'tout le monde'."
--- G2477

For me, sex is like two dogs humping,
Or fire truck hoses a-pumping.
My Marilyns strap-on
Is perfect to crap on,
Like a pole vault without all the jumping.
--- Anon

A meticulous fellow named Kirk,
Had a truly unusual quirk;
If the sheets were askew
When he went for a screw,
He could not get his weenie to work.
--- Cap'n Bean P0102

In case you like sexual stunts,
Don't take on five cunts all at once.
All wise men eschew
Overdoing a screw;
It can shrink mighty peckers to runts.
--- G0774

Contortionists are known for flexion,
And bend many ways for injection.
But watch which and whose
They bend for and choose
The ones who're least prone to infection.
--- Jon Gearhart

A fuck and a thrust and a parry;
His partner in lust he'll not marry,
But given the thrill
Of her Blueberry Hill,
He just may continue to tarry.
--- Anon

Before getting married, Diane
Offered this marital plan:
"I'll never get fussy
If you screw only my pussy,
Or you'll witness some shit hit the fan!"
--- Laurence Craft

A comely young widow from Ayre
Has climbed from the depths of despair;
With no spouse to bed her,
And no friend of wed her,
She relies now on strangers to lay her.
--- Norm Storer P0108

A fellow canoeing named Whipple
Seduced an old maid with a triple.
With his stance ornamental
And his manner so gentle,
One could scarcely observe any ripple.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0379

If he knows enough not to choke you,
When he starts to orally poke you,
He has enough skill
To give you a thrill
Later on, when he starts to stroke you!
--- Kaylin Brandon

Said Mel to his date, "Listen, Bunny,
Your crack about cash wasn't funny!
Some boffing is nice,
But selling, it's vice.
So don't you again mention money!"
--- Larry Wilde

Man's life on this Earth is a bust;
His symbols corrode and they rust.
To improve his life's term,
He must husband his sperm,
And must work without raising a dust.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2485

At a gathering near Fort Macleod,
This whisper, comes by in the crowd:
"I do not object,
Now you're fully erect,
But kindly don't do it so loud."
--- Hugh Oliver 90d

There are some who suspect that Miss Riegel
Believes making love is illegal;
She will NOT go to bed
With Tom, Dick, or Fred,
But everyone says Miss McTeague'll.
--- Limber Limericks

A neat sort of lecher is Sidey,
Who keeps all his love affairs tidy;
The redhead on Sunday,
The blonde babe on Monday,
The others on Tuesday or Friday.
--- Armand Singer

There once was a lady named Gloria
Whose lewdness was such it would worry ya.
She fucked only negros--
They've much bigger pegos--
I'd say more, but I don't want to bore ya.

(modified by McW)
--- G0600

Said a chippie to Buggerby Hoke,
"I'm sure what you said is a joke.
Of course I've a pair
Of apertures there--
Just make sure it's the top one you poke!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 460 G0983