We could give him tips about gums,
Or nice things to do with his thumbs.
I have heard he's hot,
But, Pet, if he's not,
I guess we could toss him some crumbs.
--- Anon

Many happy returns and good luck,
When it comes to the present, I'm stuck.
If you weren't so far away
On your own special day,
I could give you a reallly nice glass of lager.
--- Wendy Cope P9105

There was a young woman named Suzie,
Who was not much inclined to be choosy.
So that after a day
Of intensive sex play,
She was apt to remark, "Say, just who's he?"
--- Isaac Asimov

Not needed are muscles to flex,
Or the sight of some big beefy pecs.
A delicate flower
Is holding the power,
As to whether you guys will have sex.
--- Anon

Young Stephen is such a seducer,
He can take any girl and reduce her
To begging for more,
As she writhes on the floor,
And he's too well brought up to refuse her.
--- Michael Horgan

Quoth a lady when asked if she would,
"I suppose, in a pinch, that I could,
But a vulvular tumour
Keeps me in ill humour,
So I don't think you'd like it so good."
--- G0497

My boffing is never erratic;
With Bess it is not automatic;
Who wins my erection
Is done by election;
In Dixie we're so democratic!
--- Anon

The anguish, the doubt and the shame!
Each year it just turns out the same.
I am fiery hot,
Not cold or with rot,
But still eliminated by name!
--- Anon

Now Rusty, don't sit there and pout;
I promise you'll not be left out.
I do love your name;
There's no need for shame;
Line two can be changed without doubt.
--- Anon

The arena's been carefully prepared;
The gladiatrix' weapon is bared --
It's had forty-two checks
From eight men with oiled pecs,
And the quarry'd be wise to be scared.
--- Lucy

Since a quarter to five she's been drinking
Cold water. I know what you're thinking.
But her bladder's well toned
And by much combat honed,
And her reflexes -- quicker than blinking.
--- Lucy

But he thinks he's ready for this;
To his fans, blows a bold, carefree kiss;
Takes a toke from his joint;
Twirls his tash to a point,
And strides out to face the abyss.
--- Lucy

Such elan! She is moved and impressed;
In his spacesuit, impeccably dressed.
What a man! What a God!
What a raging hard bod!
All her cobra-coiled tension goes West...
--- Lucy

This is tragic -- a momentary spasm
And all hell breaks loose in her chasm,
Then she loses control
Of her tight rearward hole...
--- Lucy

Firmly esconced in her ass,
They take off like jet-powered bass.
Like kids water rockets
Adjoined at the sockets,
They pinwheel aloft, over the mass..
--- H Welchel

Of spectators, lechers and crones,
Soaking them, warm, to the bones.
Lucy's mighty jet
Is not done thrusting yet --
But Whelchel spews forth, and she moans.
--- H Welchel

Quite enemized, quaking and bare,
Lucy flies in an arc over there.
He has separation --
Stage two's irrigation
Propels him way up through the air.
--- H Welchel

He vanishes clear out of sight,
As Lucy flutters down like a kite.
The jaded spectators
Just sheathe their vibrators
And bid each and all a good night.
--- H Welchel

According to rules new and TESTUDINATE,
Is seems somehow it is rude of late,
To line in a row
Girls in a show,
To test a new stud's innate potent state.
--- J'Carlin

"I'm a-tellin' ya dis for da fact;
My a-woman, I put oil on her crack.
I rubba her down;
She float off-a da ground,
I bet-a you can't toppa that Jack."
--- Anon

"Well now, that must have been quite a sight;
I rogered mine all day and all night.
She wasn't frustrated;
She in fact levitated,
Until she was as high as a kite."
--- Anon

"Well fellers, I don't have any proof;
I fucked ma gal 'til she went 'Woof!'
I know this much for certain:
Wiped my dick on the curtain,
And the bitch damn near went through the roof."
--- Anon

A sisterly fight in the offing?
Well, come on you girlies, get doffing
Your bras and your scanties,
Right down to your panties;
The winner is in for a boffing.
--- Anon

No matter how much it beckons,
No sex before marriage, God reckons;
So John Miller waited
'Till legally mated...
'Twas approximately five seconds.
--- David Miller Q

There was a young person of Harwich,
Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage.
She said, "No, you goose,
Just try self-abuse.
And the other we'll try after marriage."

(Published 1879)
--- L1275

I hope and I wish and I pray
That I will be saved some day.
I'm tired of this jazz;
I confess that is has
Been two months since my last known lay.
--- Lightbulb

I went to her place to indulge
In some antics I will not divulge.
But her girlfriend was there,
Which caused me to stare,
And produced an unhideable bulge.
--- John Miller

"Do you know," asked the girl I'd been dating,
"How long you've been keeping me waiting?
It was quarter past nine
When we sat down to dine.
I'm afraid this will bring down your rating."
--- Neal Wilgus P8405

A mite absent-minded was Leidy;
His love life got rather untidy.
He'd forgot to pitch woo
For a whole month or two,
Then do it ten times on Good Friday.
--- Armand E Singer 872

There was a young lady of Harridge,
Who said, on the morn of her marriage,
"I shall sew my chemise,
Right down to my knees;
I refuse to be fucked in the carriage."

(Published 1880)
--- L0867

On Bloomingdales's UP escalator
Helga had a fat guy try to date her.
The guy felt, she was hot,
Though she said she was not,
But she asked if he'd care to come later...
--- Grand Prix Lim 222

The problem of Willie and Sally
Is will he or will he not tally.
If Willie get nil he
Will wed willy-nilly.
But tally, and he'll dilly dally.
--- Irving Superior P8911

There's a young Spanish girl named Donna
Who'd a most irritating persona.
She'd trouble and vex
The opposite sex
And promise to screw them manana.

(tomorrow never comes and neither did she)
--- Tom Patton P9708a

This is file xfm

With the butcher's wife, foreplay came first --
Till he felt like his sausage would burst!
And when finally placing
His port in her casing,
She'd squeal at him, "Do me your wurst!"
--- Pat Byrnes

"It is time," said a woman from Devon,
"To exchange maiden bliss for sex heaven.
There is music, it's spring,
Flowers bloom,, birdies sing;
And besides I've just turned thirty-seven."
--- Isaac Asimov

A man had his maiden agog
And was ready to slip her the log,
But her dog interfered
And a crisis appeared,
So he first threw some meat to the dog.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1119

Pretty Dawn and young Billy are dating;
He looks forward with joy to their mating.
She said they'd be spawning
First thing in the morning;
For the crack of Dawn, Billy is waiting.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0305

There was a young fellow from Kent
Who said he'd abstain during Lent.
But what from to abstain
He could not ascertain.
So that was as far as he went.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

I'm in love with a jolly Jewess,
But she's sexually almost u.s.; (useless - MH)
We last had a screw
Back in '72--
And then she refused to undress.
--- Michael Horgan

A remarkable fellow named Clarence
Learned self-control from his parents.
With his wife in bed nude,
He'd sit there and brood,
And practice the art of forbearance.
--- G2105

Both Tom and Barbara Good
Were oftentimes misunderstood.
And I'd like to burrow
Into Barbara's furrow;
If I ever got the chance, I would.
--- Donald McGill

Said a certain young woman named Rita,
Who fled from a man who would meet her,
"I at once understood
He was up to no good.
I was fleet, but thank God, he was fleeter."
--- Isaac Asimov

Said a tired old playboy named Fred
To the eager young matron in bed:
"The weather's too sultry
For committing adultery;
How about an interpersonal body-contact psychological

hot-oil massage instead?"
--- G2133

"Whenever you want me in bed,
I'm charging ten dollars," she said.
In bed, as she spoke,
"But darling, I'm broke."
"I'll loan you! I'll loan you!" she pled.
--- Irving Superior P9902

There was a young fellow from Oode,
Whose mind was excessively lewd.
He asserted, "All women
Seen dancin' or swimmin'
Would rather be home getting screwed."
--- L0883

She was one of those air-headed bores,
Who would shop 'til she emptied the stores.
At her closet he'd scoff;
Excess stuff turned him off;
But he'd love to get in her drawers.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0502

When the sexes are found in conjunction,
Performing love's physical function,
Such a moment, exquisite,
Is no time for a visit,
So beat it, Bub, show some compunction!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 952 G2564

Young Inga, a Swedish reporter
Cost me lots of cash just to court 'er.
But I knew my investment
Would pay off, when I went
And took her just south of her border.
--- Anon

The first time I nearly got laid
The girl who was helping me said,
"The IRVING anagram,
'Guess what? It VIRGIN am."
Her meter my meater dismayed.
--- Irving Superior P8905

While you have been gone for four days,
I've been sitting here in a daze,
Thinking of a way
To get you to play
Once again 'neath the covers I raise.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a dumb lady from York,
Who at flesh-to-flesh contact would balk. (belly-to-belly)
"Don't you think that you are,(When a swain became pressing)

Why can't we just sit here and talk?" (She'd say,...)
--- Anon

When the Bermondsey bricklayers struck,
Bill Bloggins was 'aving a fuck.
By un-i-on rules
He 'ad to down tools--
Now wasn't that bloody 'ard luck!
--- L1221

There once was a handsome young pianist,
Whose views about girls were the cle-anest.
He placed one and all,
On a high pedestal,
And the women all thought him the me-anest.

(obviously a leg man - see the Cruel Sea by Monserrat- McW)
--- Isaac Asimov

When the lady went out with young Finn
She did not know just where to be begin.
In her mind was a doubt
Needing time to work out
But for Finn it was time to work in.
--- Albin Chaplin

I'm not irredeemably vile,
So I've given up sex for a while.
(Though I have to admit
I've a penchant for tit,
Nipples, pussies and ladies with style.)
--- Anon

No mater how ardent and bold,
Love's passion will quickly turn cold
If in midst of the clinging,
The phone starts in ringing
And she puts her lover on hold.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9408

On the beach all her parts were displayed,
But she said to her man, "I'm afraid
It's too hot in the sun
To have any fun."
Which was why she was made in the shade.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0112

A well-brought-up woman named Kay,
Would frown, and then haughtly say,
"If we're speaking of sin,
I will never begin,
And yet, well perhaps, I just may."
--- Isaac Asimov

My Valentine Love, you're frustrating;
You're either (you say) menstruating
Or feeling the stress
Of that old PMS,
And the rest of the time ovulating.
--- Anon

Said a very sad lad in LaBray,
"My cute neighbor's moving today;
An event bound to vex...
I was getting free sex
And now it will be miles away..."
--- Grand Prix Lim 645

Where the Kurd sits and chats in his yurt,
The females dare not lift a skirt,
For primordial yen
Stirs the beast in the men
Till their long Mongol monoliths hurt!
--- Grand Prix Lim 10

A ride late at night is quite fun.
And also in the afternoon sun.
But to do it at noon
Is really really too soon,
'Cause the thing needs a rest, you buffoon!
--- Lims For Year - 01

If you and the weather are hot
And you now seek a cool spot;
If you're in the jungle,
And Venus you bungle,
Forego that comely Hottentot.
--- Jim Jambor P9103

A delightful young lady from Kim
Was as pure as a Protestant hymn,
And the view that she took
Of my murmuring brook,
And a picnic beside it, was dim.
--- Lims Unlimited

He said that he loved her no more.
She answered, "I'm hurt to the core;
You are banned from my bed."
She thought better and said,
"But there's plenty of room on the floor!"
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q

When out with his girl friend, young Jock,
His fingers slipped under her frock.
But she said, "Not now, dear.
Let us play it by ear."
But said Jock, "Let us play it by cock."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0221

Though temperatures rise when it's maytime,
Sex still can be fun during playtime;
But you don't want to get
Yourself drenched with wet sweat,
So simply abstain in the daytime.
--- Armand E Singer 920