"Hey Nora!", cried George quite delightedly,
"Come quickly -- my things all excitedly!
Let's do it once more
Like we did it before
In the forties." "Oh George, not tonightedly."
--- Peter Wilkins

But don't you stop reading just yet.
You'll miss this and could get upset.
She'd always abstain
When there was no rain,
But fain when her tarmac was wet.
--- SFA

It's a pleasure to welcome Fay back
For since raped in an alley attack,
She no longer objects
To a fun game called sex;
So we play days and nights in the sack.
--- Grand Prix Lim 114

To his wife, said a fellow of Guelph,
"This erection is not for myself."
But she said, "Let it wait,
For I don't feel too great."
So his hard on, he put on the shelf.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0183

So fast was the girl of young Fletcher,
He never was able to catch her.
What accomplished the trick
Was the time she got sick,
She was had as she lay on the stretcher.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0696

The Browns have a daughter sensational
Who's given up sex recreational.
A new leaf she's turned;
Her bridges she's burned;
Her sex life's entirely vacational.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0503

I was snuggled up in his arms,
Indulging myself in his charms --
And then the phone rang.
Gosh, shoot, shucks and dang!
I guess I should get three alarms.
--- Anon

An apprentice who had a fine tool,
Was thought by his girlfriend too cool,
Since, when he was up her,
He broke for a 'cupper',
Since that was his union rule.

(cupper - cup of tea)
--- E O Parrot

The Bell Telephone man, Mr. Gold,
Was fucking a lady, so bold.
When he heard the phone ring,
So he pulled out his thing,
And he placed the young lady on Hold.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0699

While screwing a girl, Mr. Pyle
Was fucking along in great style.
But the phone gave a ring
So she pulled out his thing
And she put him on Hold for a while.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0306

The new secretary, Miss Gold,
Was fucking her boss young and bold.
She was blowing his thing
When the phone gave a ring,
So she put the young fellow on Hold.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0172

There was an old doctor named Reese
Who was screwing a harlot in Nice.
In the midst of it all
He received a rush call;
He returned for the rest of the piece.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0750

Toasting scones, a young housewife named Joan
Smelled them burning up -- then the phone
Rang and in burst
Horney hubby. Which first?
The scone, or the the phone, or the bone?
--- Michael Weinstein P8606

He had gone where he had hoped to get laid
By a wealthy young woman named Jade.
But the butler, Jose,
"Our mistress's away;
If you wish, you can screw her maid."
--- Cap'n Bean P9912

It's twenty-five minutes past three
In the morning and silly old me --
Wakened rudely -- she snored --
Sits by my keyboard,
Thinking: sex is never for free!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Just where is it you get these notions,
About women and their emotions?
With a face like sandpaper,
You need a good scraper,
Or there'll be no tongue licking motion.
--- Anon

A frustrated lover named Hale,
Whose date failed to come to the dale,
Cried, "I'm touched by the greenery,
Which I see in the scenery,
But where in the hell is my tail?"
--- Armand Singer

There was a young fellow named Hutch
Who never did get very much.
For it took him a year
To get going in gear,
And he always was slipping his clutch.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2121

If by "Dawn's Early Light" I butt her;
"Don't touch me" is what she will utter.
But then I don't mind,
Because I will find
That by "Twilight's Last Gleaming", I'll rut her.
--- Joe Long

A peculiar young lady named Piltz
Delights to be diddled on stilts.
Men are all wild to try,
But she's up so damned high
That before you can reach her, it wilts.
--- Grand Prix Lim 820 G2457

An unhappy bride named Suzanne
Told her spouse of a week, "Listen, Man...
I've repeatedly said
I LOVE screwing in bed...
But please stop while I go to the can!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 673 A

The Sutra I thought I'd attack,
So contortedly opened her crack.
With knees spread apart,
I then thought I'd start.
Oh Damn - I've now put out my back!
--- Anon

I knew this young guy young and trite
Whose buttocks had gone awfully tight.
Though he'd flex and he'd push,
So sealed was his tush,
He could not screw his girlfriend that night.
--- Caleb Sevcik

There was an old fellow of Lynn
Who had never committed a sin,
But when the old Pharisee
Went over to Paris, he
Said, "It's never too late to begin."
--- Anon

The Indians whom we call Sioux
Were many, but now they are fioux;
When I asked a young chief
For the cause of that grief,
He said, "We're too lazy to scrioux."
--- Alsops Foibles

I envy the birds and the bees
Who have nookie whenever they please.
Not for them all this wooing
And billing and cooing,
I'm having to do with Louise.
--- Anon

There was a tall gorgeous Valkyrie,
Who found her admirers grew leery.
When they climb to the spot
Where the action is hot,
They cannot dip in; they're too weary.
--- Isaac Asimov

An old business man, name of Prater
Was fucking a whore in Decatur.
He was reaching his peak,
When the ceiling did leak,
So she gave him a rain check for later.
--- Albin Chaplin

A violinist named Luc Pompidou
Lived alone, with his pet kangaroo.
When Poulene would drop in
For a few rounds of gin,
He was uncertain of whom he should screw.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young man who, on May Day,
Declared to his wife, "This is playday!"
And her answer was, "John,
You are putting me on; (?)
We always have waited till payday."
--- Limber Limericks

From the X-rated movies I've seen
I have learned I was terribly green.
From the first time I kissed,
There were ten years I missed
'Cause I first got laid at nineteen.
--- Jay Marshall P8606

'Cause nothing from nothing will come,
Speak now, or forever keep mum.
Just don't start complaining
When your sex life is waning,
Because of the smell from your bum.
--- Dan Parslow

A respectable girl from Toronto
Told her lover that if he should want to
Keep getting it nightly,
He'd better damn sprightly
Put a ring on her finger, and Pronto!
--- Alex Heydon P0402

This is file xem

Said McNee to his lady, Miss Arden,
As they strolled back and forth in the garden.
"Your reluctance to fuck
Is a bit of bad luck.
What a hell of a waste of a hardon."
--- Anon

We'll never be that age again.
When stirrings and longings begin.
Who knows what the cost
In joy that was lost,
Because we refused to give in.
--- Larry Davis P8502

Earl hadn't had sex in forever,
And eagerly planned the endeavor.
His wife said, "Good God!
Just look at that rod!
'Twill thrill me when-, where-, and however.
--- Vie

Earl hadn't had sex in forever;
He couldn't wait for the endeavor.
But his wife, less raring
For his red herring,
Responded, less enthused, "Whatever!"
--- Vie

I confess, I am drawn by the thoughtery
Of an evening's licentious debauchery,
But the wife's back in town,
With her temper's renown,
So I'm really not sure if I oughtery.
--- Anon

At the moment Japan declared war,
A sailor was fucking a whore.
He said, "After this poke,
'Long and Hard' ain't no joke;
This means months till I get back ashore.
--- L0119

A lisping young lady named Beth
Was saved from a fate worse than death
Seven times in a row,
Which unsettled her so,
That she quit saying "No" and said "Yeth".
--- Anon L0811

My boyfriend thinks I'm just plain mean,
For moaning and pleading: "Please clean!
Take that trash to the dump,
Or no girl will you hump.
Everything in the fridge has turned green!"
--- Menopausal

I wasn't raised in a stable!
So you'll have to wear clothes to the table!
Your willy's a sight
Better saved for the night;
I put up with as much as I'm able!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An excessively socialized bitch,
And a wierdo not wearing a stitch.
Maybe just not a match
'Twixt the caveman and snatch,
Despite giving each other The Itch!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Consider the birds and the bees;
How they do it with consummate ease;
Lacking all inhibtions
And monthly conditions,
Unlike my ex-girlfriend Louise.
--- Anon

"Come lover, I fancy a squeeze."
"It's the wrong time of month", said Louise.
Or, "A headache I've got."
Or, "You want me to WHAT!?"
Or, "I'm cold." Or, "I'm going to sneeze."
--- Anon

I've been busy with my meditation
(How's that for an odd explanation!)
Reflecting on Buddha,
With beer and some Gouda,
To ease my sexual frustration!
--- Anon

You may be more subtle, you miser;
However, you're surely less wiser.
My "straight's" forwardness
Makes ladies undress
And pay me for a time on my geyser!
--- Anon

Since I'm in a generous mood,
Please keep your small tuppence for food;
I'll send you, cost-free,
(Yes, this one's on me!)
Some belles who are nude, rude, and lewd!
--- Anon

"I'm going to be late," cautioned Dawn
"But don't wait for me while I'm gone.
For fun while you're waiting,
Just try masturbating
And when I arrive, I'll jump on."
--- A Reimer P9107

"I'm gonna be late," warned Edwin,
"But don't wait for me to begin.
For fun while your waiting
Just try masturbating,
And when I arrive, I'll jump in."
--- Arthur Deex P9107

"I'm going to be late," cautioned Dawn,
"But don't wait for me when you spawn.
Don't be apathetic,
Be auto-kinetic,
And when I arrive, I'll jump on."
--- Martin Wellborn P9808

I'm dating this girl named Jen;
I tell my love again and again.
I'll kiss her cheek;
Sometimes she'll squeak.
She the closest thing to heaven.
--- James62 a

Sometimes we overrate
A female we've yet to mate.
You should scratch that itch,
And as for your bitch,
I've had her and she ain't that great.
--- MrMalo a

My dear, it is true, I suppose;
I've been watered by more than one hose.
But this flower's still pink
And ready to drink;
And still smells as sweet as a rose.
--- Carol

I've noted the fragrant bouquet
That comes from the bed where you lay.
But Joan's pruning shears
Is heightening my fears,
And keeping my ardour at bay.
--- SFA

Come on then, my dear, you old stud;
Plant some of those roots in my mud.
Why not volunteer?
I've no share to fear,
But you can nip me in the bud.
--- Ericka

Young Glen, playing 'neath an old tree,
With a rock, smashed a small honeybee;
Observing the deed,
Dad said, "You will need
To go for a year without honey!
--- Anon

Then all of a sudden, "Ker...plock",
A butterfly's smashed with a rock.
A nonchalant giggle
Is making Dad wiggle,
"Cause he's overwhelmed by the shock!
--- Anon

"That creature will ne'er again flutter,"
Glen heard his Dad angrily mutter,
"For being so cruel",
His father said, "You'll
Have to go for a year without butter!"
--- Anon

Dad said then, to mischievous Glen,
"It's time , son, that we should go in.
I'm hopefully guessin'
That you've learned a lesson,
And you'll not do these things again!"
--- Anon

As the two of them walked thru the door,
They saw a cockroach on the floor,
But Mom, being quick,
Said, "Those things make me sick",
And she stomped it three times, maybe four.
--- Anon

With Dad's recent words in review,
The young lad knew just what to do,
With an impish grin,
Then whispered young Glen,
"Shall I tell her Dad, or will you?"
--- Anon

As we climb 'neath the duvet so snug,
And you ask me again for a hug,
Then turn over and sleep;
With frustration I weep
For I'd rather be munching your rug.
--- Peter Wilkins

A carpet square for you to chew,
I will gladly donate to you.
If you get ignored,
Or simply get bored,
It will give you something to do.
--- Marlene

The sky is cobalt blue tonight;
Tiny stars pierce the quick fading light.
The full moon is blue;
My mood is blue too.
My sweetheart and I had a fight.
--- Marlene

I'm looking at all the scenery
And admiring nature's greenery.
Wishing he'd come home,
I'm here all alone,
While he's camped out in some beanery.
--- Marlene