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There's one lovely girl I adore, It's not that I say, "Get 'em off Oh sure, I've been trying my luck In frustration one day I tried force; So I wooed her with chocolates and stuff, She sneered at me saying, "You fool; So for weeks now I've waited my chance She looked awfully good in that teddy. There was a young Lady of Lucker, The confident man of Miss Campbell I've met her, and to her disgusth, She was beautiful, young, but too snide; An irate young lady named Booker, I try to show you love each night, Now, this right here is a poem, A voluptuous girl named Elaine, It's Spring, the most amorous season, The big buxom bust on Miss Trust The old man's jaw hit the floor; (snit - British sports car, factory also made Huffs - McW)
The wailing wife issued IRADE, Said a frustrated fellow named Hutch Now Peter's got nubile young neighbors, There was a young fellow named Moffin A fearful young bride name of Kreitzon Have you heard about Mrs. Shore? In a very high dudgeon, Miss Didgeon There once was a man named Jay I know 'bout the bees and the birds; A prejudiced woman named Sherry An anthropology student from Kent If you had me, you'd show me no gratitude, The desirable ladies of Brewer Said a starlet at Sunset and Vine, Some folks spend too much time playin' Go get your eyes checked, you fool. I've never been branded as quick; "What's all this ailing, armed Knight? "I met a neat chick in the Meads. "This moaning went on all day long "We finally got to her grotto, "All those sighs and that kissing, a bore! "So you see here a horny young Knight, "It's true that you're not very bright, There was a young fellow named Tateful Lily, a fair-haired young lass, Today I went to a Boob Sale, A fat woman started to moan: "I'd like a wee tipple," she said, A would-be young father named Herm There was a poor husband named Joe, She laughed did that teasing young minx The angry young Lollie Lou Lamb A luscious young thing named Miss Trevor, A ditch digger itched in his britches In love was poor Elliot Pruitt Joe invited his girl to dutch treat, An elegant lady named Pruit A virile young fellow named Rand A Scotsman in love with his neighbor His caber by him must be tossed? There once was a tart named Belinda, The Northernmost isle there's called Unst, Now Patty I thought was too pure I don't give a damn, by and large, A lecherous lad from North Cape There once was a man from Saint Louis,
Who thinks sex is a terrible chore.
If I ever suggest
It, she says I'm a pest,
And she'd rather be cleaning the floor.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
For a fuck!", when I fancy a boff.
So I say, "You look smashin';
You fill me with passion."
But then she'll just mutter and scoff.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
By remarking, "Hey, let's have a fuck!"
But she says, "Go away,
I don't want it today;
Can't you see to yourself and your muck?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I was masterful, lusty and coarse;
But she said, "What a bore."
And then started to snore.
(I felt guilty and full of remorse.)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And I promised I'd never be rough.
"Oh my darling", I said,
"Can we cuddle in bed?
Can I bury my face in your muff?"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
If you want to, just play with your tool."
Then I had this idea,
While I handled my gear;
I would play it much smarter and cool.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
(I can tell how she feels at a glance).
And although she may tease
Me and give me a squeeze,
I just cannot get into her pants.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Her perfume was pungent and heady.
I asked for the chance
To get into her pants.
"There's one asshole", she said, "there already!"
--- Anon
Whose lovers all wanted to fuck her;
But she ran up a tree,
And said, "Fiddle-de-dee!
There's one born every minute, you sucker!"
--- Edwardian Leer 098 P9306
Had offered to teach her to scramble.
He was ready to breech her,
But the pupil turned teacher
And she left him a broken down shamble.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0076
My dick was fair dripping with Lusth.
Then that stupid bird
Ran back to the herd,
'Cause she could not take me in Musth.
--- Anon
"You can try, but you won't get inside!"
I thought she was joking,
Until I tried poking;
All I dented that night was my pride.
--- John Miller 0100
Told her husband, "You beast! I'm no hooker!
If you want it queer ways,
Go to whores for your lays!"
So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er.
--- Grand Prix Lim 817 G0018
But you always turn it to a fight.
Why make me hit and shove;
I guess you like tough love.
You disgust me...get out of my sight!
--- Anon
That I have writ just to show 'em,
That love's for the birds
And men are just turds.
It's not worth getting to know 'em.
--- Claudia
Greeted all Joe's attempts with disdain.
When he took her to dinner,
And tried to get in 'er,
Where he only got "in" was "in vain."
--- Isaac Asimov
When young men lose all sense of reason.
With hormonal shove,
They're destined for love,
Until she says, "I was just teasin'!"
--- Uncle Rouge
Stirred our lust, so she said: "If you must,
Take a whack at my crack, Jack,
Though I'd rather play blackjack --"
To hell with her cunt! Let it rust!
--- G2539
He knew that he had not been a boor.
But the twit, in a snit,
Pitched a fit, packed her clit,
And her twat and suchlike out the door!
--- CB
Insisting that her hubby trade
His beers and dull sports
And friends of all sorts,
Else by her, he would never get laid.
--- Chris Papa
Whose girl friend would not give him much.
"Since your legs will not part
A new course I must chart;
Good friends must remain in close touch."
--- Albin Chaplin
Who offer him sexual favors.
But all's I've got's Flo,
She's Irish, you know,
Who says, "No, I will not, sir, bejabers!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who said to his dear wife so often,
"You don't know what you're missing --
It is not just for pissing --
And it's no goddamn good in a coffin.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2899
Got ready for bed with no lights on,
And despite every plea
She would never agree
To get into bed with no tights on.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0236
She doesn't put out anymore.
She crossed her legs
And though he begs,
Her husband just ain't gonna score.
--- Tom Patton P9708
Cried, "Man, I'm no sexual pigeon!
Though it's up in the air,
I won't take your affair...
Not even the tiniest smidgeon."
--- Grand Prix Lim 966
Who screwed his young girlfriend each day.
When they were married,
His sex life was buried;
She said, "Now you've had your last lay!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
One makes honey and one makes turds.
Those folks who sneeze goo
Ain't one of those two.
'N' I don't drop my knickers for nerds!
--- Anon
Shunned sheenies and dagos -- "too hairy,"
And she'd n'er have the dick
Of a coon, gook, or spic,
'Cause she'd not fuck who she wouldn't marry.
--- John Sandler P9110
Was alone on a dig in a tent.
When he had a big bone,
He went to the phone,
But she wouldn't consent during Lent.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Just hand me some secondhand platitude.
I do beg your pardon
If I cause you to harden,
But alas, sir, I don't like your attitude,
--- Tony Burrell
Became fewer, and fewer, and fewer,
Till one sorry day,
There was only one lay --
And she wouldn't let anyone screw her.
--- Hugh Oliver A059B
"While your upstanding staff is divine,
And cohabiting thrilling
I must have top billing,
Or you don't put your thing into mine!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 958
This is file xcm
With their dongs and their overloud brayin'.
They have closed up their hearts.
Keep your private parts
To yourself! You I won't be a-layin'.
--- Anon
I'm so gorgeous I know you would drool,
If given the chance
To get in my pants,
But who would want your stinky tool.
--- Anon
No, I have a nice slow-burning wick.
It absorbs wear and tear,
But is not for time-share.
You can just finger your prick.
--- S C Saint
Loitering paley's not right!
Fuck the sedge and the lake,
And that mute bird forsake,
Just tell me about your sad plight."
--- TuttaGioia
I set her on one of my steeds.
She made a sweet moan,
Which stiffened my bone,
While I made her a garland of weeds.
--- TuttaGioia
While giving me glances sidelong.
Said she'd relish my root,
Add some honey to boot,
And swore that she'd do me no wrong.
--- TuttaGioia
(By then on that dew I was blotto)
She started to bawl,
I sensed a long haul
Ere our organs were firmly legato.
--- TuttaGioia
I just about left through the door,
But she lulled me to sleep,
That tease of a creep!
I dreamt she enthralled me, that whore!
--- TuttaGioia
Who sojorns with a tale all too trite.
Ah woe betide
On this shitty hillside!
Why was I born not so bright?!"
--- TuttaGioia
But next time you can get it right!
In that damn elfin grot,
Draw a bead on her twat,
And screw her with all of your might.
--- TuttaGioia
Whose wife about sex was so hateful,
That she offered him tail
Once a month without fail,
And he fell on his knees and was grateful.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0350
Pretended to have lots of class.
The boys she would tease
While pretending to please,
But never gave up any ass.
--- Anon
And bought the jaw bone of a whale,
Six bottles of stout
From a man with the gout,
Who was thin and most terribly pale.
--- Tony Burrell
"Hey whatcha gonna do with that bone?"
I said, "You watch out
Or I'll drown you in stout."
And the vile creature followed me home.
--- Tony Burrell
"Then perhaps we could then go to bed?"
I said, "Take the stout,
But now please get out;
I think I would rather be dead."
--- Tony Burrell
Pled hard that his wife accept sperm.
But she cried, "There's no way
You will get it today:
And ruin my fabulous perm!"
--- Armand E Singer 934a
Whose wife liked to just sit and sew.
One day he got tough,
And said, "That's enough!"
Of course, the poor chap had to go.
--- Anon
With her hand down her panties methinks.
As I tucked in my part
I felt heavy of heart,
For young Debbie is proving a jinx.
--- Anon
Cried, "I yam a lady, I yam!
So I won't spread my legs
For the likes of you yeggs..."
Then closed her front door with a slam!
--- Grand Prix Lim 810
Was cute and exceedingly clever.
To damp her beau's ardor,
She puts pins in her garter,
And spiked the poor fellow's endeavor!
--- G1620
For a hitch at two sultry young twitches...
When asked, they sneered, "Fetid!
Take a walk, Man...just beat it!"
So the itch in his britches still itches.
--- Grand Prix Lim 455
With a beautiful girl, but he blew it.
He said, "I'd die for you, dear,"
But she said, "Now look here,
You promise but you never do it."
--- S Barry
Which sweetened the old balance sheet.
Though he saved lots of dough,
The next night proved a blow,
When he couldn't arouse her to heat.
--- Isaac Asimov
Did not absolutely eschew it,
But demanded such bowing
And scraping and vowing,
That most gents walked out saying, "Screw it!"
--- John Ciardi
Was used to screwing to beat the band.
For three months with his ex,
He was having no sex,
So he finally took matters in hand.
--- Tom Patton P0311
Found wooing the lass a great labour.
'Spite choccies and flowers
And sweat and man-hours,
He still has to toss his own caber.
--- Tutta Gioia
Oh, what a sad tale you have glossed!
His might and his main
Just gone down the drain!
A replay of "Love's Labour's Lost!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Whose cunt opened out like a winda
But she'd slam the thing shut,
The contemptible slut,
Whenever you tried to get inda.
--- L0810
And locals there do lots of stunst
With sheep and small nags;
The women are hags,
And won't let the men near their cunst.
--- Anon
To be touched, and I didn't, for sure.
Then she married in haste,
Thus I learned not to waste
It. Abstention's a load of manure!
--- John Miller
About sex. There's too much persiflage
In dating and bedding,
And, worst of all, wedding.
It just doesn't give me a charge.
--- John Ciardi
Grew fond of his sister's fair shape.
Despite her virginity
Her close consanguinity
Was all that prevented her rape.
--- Armand E Singer 210
Who thought that sex was superfluous.
He was rejected by gals,
And all of his pals;
Even prostitutes wouldn't say, "Do us!"
--- Kevin Kepley
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