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Cliff's anger at a daft lovers' tiff,
Made him quietly wonder, "What if
She's over me? Beachy Head,
Might be better," he said;
"Ill be free of my old lover...stiff".
--- Doug Harris P0504

A farmer's daughter from Castor
Met a salesman traveling in plaster.
It could have been thrilling
For she was quite willing,
But somehow he never quite aster.
--- Neal Wilgus P8302

An old Anglo-German named Fred,
So repressed that he nearly was dead,
Scouted weeks till he found
A girl who was sound,
But even so, would not take her to bed.
--- G2342

An amorous lady named Grace
Was thrilled by a passioned embrace,
So she said to her lover,
"Let's get under the cover."
He said, "No, I'm just out for the chase."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0180

In a prune in a spoon came THE PILL;
She's 80 and hoping I will.
But it ain't gonna work;
My duty I'll shirk,
'Cause I still hate the smell of that krill.
--- Anon

A drunken young fop took a floozy in
To his bed and tried sticking his whoozy in.
But he didn't succeed
In his efforts to breed;
The world is that much less Malthusian.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

We all need to try something new;
Bored stiff, doing nothing but screw;
Well, the notion's just struck me
To let no woman fuck me.
If I can find peace, so will you.
--- Armand Singer

I've got to advise the reverse;
Mere change proves there's nothing much worse;
I gave it a try;
The more stupid, I!
Abstention's the ultimate curse.
--- Armand Singer

A sex-starved professor at Yale
Planned for weeks how to get him some tail.
He would wink, now and then,
At both women and men,
But with all that, he managed to fail.
--- Grand Prix Lim 180 G0233

Digital manipulation
Instead of copulation?
Does this mean his finger
Will kiss you and linger?
And give you some sweet adulation?
--- Anon

Though a guy may plead and holler,
You can bet your bottom dollar,
At the close of day
What gives him away,
Is bright red lipstick on his collar.
--- Val Burns P0511Q

"Removed's not the same as delayed."
That saying's not true, I'm afraid
'Cause when I fell out
Of that cute little Kraut,
Her cervix just never got sprayed.
--- Anon

Said Sabu, the goon of Rangoon,
"As I see it, sex is a boon.
Allah gives, so men may
Cheer their lives with a lay...
But I ain't got no broad to harpoon."
--- Grand Prix Lim 253

Whenever I've nothing to do,
I jerk myself off--well don't you?
In fact, I'm so slick
At jerking my dick,
That I've no inclination to screw.
--- Michael Horgan

There once was a man with a lance,
Who came looking for sweet romance.
So he showed off his cock
To the girls by the dock,
But he didn't quite have the finance.
--- Anon

The lusty young lads of Lismore
Have tools of eight inches or more.
But ladies, be calm,
There's no cause for alarm--
They haven't a clue what they're for.
--- Michael Horgan

An apartment outside New Westminster
Housed an aging and desperate spinster,
Who was longing to fool
With the caretaker's tool --
But he never would hold it against her.
--- Keith MacMillan 108b

You are much too obsessed with sex;
You remind of a guy named Tex.
He didn't get any,
Though he tried to get many.
Even your hand is now your ex
--- Anon

By passion, one must not be led
Lest it lead to the loss of one's head.
If a man be discreet,
He should not get his meat
At the place that he earns daily bread.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2156

An oversexed young girl named Hooker
Says life has just up and forsook 'er.
At a party in Taft
She felt every man's shaft,
But not a damn fellow there took 'er.
--- G0616

There was a young lady named Frances,
And I'd love to get into her pantses.
But since she's a nice girl
And I'm not a rough churl,
I don't get too many chances.
--- G075A

A certain young lass of Algeria,
Was reduced to loud wails of hysteria,
When her escort one night
Said, "No, Miss, honor bright,
My motives are just not ulterior."
--- Isaac Asimov

"You may think me a bit of a cynic,"
Wheezed a crafty old geezer named Minnick
To a girl of the night,
"But you don't look just right,
And I'd hate to end up in a clinic."
--- Anon

There was a young man of this nation,
Who didn't much like fornication;
When asked, "Do you fuck?"
He said, "No, I suck
Women's quims and I use masturbation."
--- The Pearl 1879

"No! No!" said a man so penurious,
He'd convinced himself sex was injurious.
"At a pretty a penny,
I wouldn't have any.
At tuppence, I'm not even curious."
--- John Ciardi

There was a young woman of Persia
Whose father would chase ya and curse ya,
Because you were keen
On what you had seen,
And fancied her bottoms inertia.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0502

While punting about on the Cam,
A self-conscious student named Sam
Was heard to give thanks,
To a girl on the banks:
"No, just punting about, thank you Ma'am!"
--- Norm Storer P0012

Did you know that old Ebeneezer
Was really a perverted old geezer.
Tiny Tim he'd excite,
Then say, "Not tonight",
For Ebeneezer was just a prick teaser.
--- Anon

Who told you that your shit don't stink?
Why should I give a fuck what you think?
I'd fuck Ruth before you lass;
With your crab-infested ass!
You probably look like the missing link.
--- Anon

Said a virginal fellow, "Exquisite
'S the pain in my groin. Oh why is it,
That in love, I can't win--
The last dame I was in
Was a Statue of Liberty visit."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9307a

There was an ingenuous Lapp,
Who was, it appeared, quite a sap.
When a young woman said,
"Please come to my bed."
He thanked her and took a long nap.
--- Isaac Asimov

An amorous maiden named Trappe
Was sitting one day on my lap,
But I didn't stir once
Because like a dunce,
I was taking my afternoon nap.
--- Limber Limericks

There once was a blase young swinger,
Not disposed much to wait or to linger.
If his prick was refused,
He did not act abused;
He merely held up his third finger.
--- Isaac Asimov

This is file xbm

There was a young lady named Bunky
Who asked for a date from a flunky.
He declined her because
There's a whole set of laws
About what he could do to a monkey.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0071

A lad with a saintly proclivity
Declined all immoral festivity.
In his manner pontificate
He said, "I've no certificate
To indulge in this type of activity."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2201

A certain unfortunate grocer
Is steadily growing moroser.
He explains that he needs
Just a few small misdeeds,
But the girls uniformly say, "No, sir."
--- Isaac Asimov

I once knew a girl, what a looker!
More desirable than any hooker.
Oh my, how I tried;
I was always denied.
No way would that girl let me fook her.
--- Anon

Said a young bridegroom boarding at Rye,
To his bride who was dreadfully shy:
"Now we're properly wed
And together in bed,
If you can't, you can bloody well try!"
--- G0173

There was a young maid from the hills
Whose life was all fevers and chills:
She was warmed by a glance
But was cold to romance,
And no one is paying her bills.
--- Lims Unlimited

When her headache is starting to peak,
And you have abstained for a week,
Turn your backs to each other
And think of your mother.
You'll fall asleep fast, cheek to cheek.
--- Al Willis P9708

Charming strangers, both on recreation,
Soon ended a spot of probation.
They refused to be fused,
Both abused, they were used
To a holiday from fornication.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8709

I once spent a weekend in Brighton
With the legendary Miss Enid Blyton.
She said: "You be Noddy
And I'll show you my body,"
But Big Ears kept turning the light on.
--- Kevin Hale Q

Consider anachronous Kevin,
Whose girl friends all promised him heaven,
But if he made a date
For a quarter of eight,
Her "friend" would show up around seven.
--- Pierce Evens

There was a young lady of Gault,
A generous girl, to a fault.
Till a man from the Sault
Tried to get her to screw,
So she ran off and hid in a vault.
--- John P9807

A moral young lady named Rose
For men would not take off her clothes.
She rejected men's pricks
And she got all her kicks
By farting and blowing her nose.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1896

A fellow from old Buenos Aires,
Kept his life in the rudest of diaries.
But the naughtiest details
On liasons with females,
Were well known to be nothing but stories.
--- Robert Elliot

Though erotically I am on fire,
I lack funds for a prostitute's hire.
So guys, let's agree;
Sex ought to be free.
(But why should I preach to the choir?)
--- Norm Storer P9812

The person I have been projecting,
You've all seemed to be rejecting.
With no one to screw,
I've been somewhat blue
And generally down and dejecting!
--- Anon

In a tent, on the beach, at the ocean,
The two had a sexual notion.
But with no lube to be found
And the sand all around,
'Twas a fly without any lotion.
--- Anon

The first liar ain't got a chance,
(As you can tell by these guys' rants).
They brag and they bluster
But then they can't muster
The balls to get into her pants.
--- Anon

Go check through the peephole, though, first.
What's knocking on my door's the worst
Excuse for a man,
Since when time began
To love him I can't be coerced!
--- Anon

Prince Charming should have a white horse
Be charming and witty -- not coarse!
He should not just curse
And quote me bad verse,
Until his voice has gone quite hoarse!
--- Anon

I must say that here 'mong the gentry,
We don't use our balls to gain entry.
And this is because,
Once inside her drawers,
She's gasping for things complimentry.
--- Anon

There was a pretty maiden from Orting
Whom all of the men were a-courting;
She slept with three,
Excluding me.
On the whole, that was not very sporting.
--- Limber Limericks

A ban on sex? All people flout it.
There's no cause for doing without it.
Yet with all of the chances
For successful advances,
Why do so many just read about it.
--- A N Wilkins P9102

I wonder where all the time went.
But that's not the loss I resent.
I know I have missed
The chance to be kissed,
By failing to give my consent.
--- Larry Davis P8509

Said the animal lover named Joan,
"You may give my pet poodle a bone,
Even make it a habit
Of feeding my rabbit,
But you must leave my pussy alone."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209

Said an unhappy cocksman named Tuck,
"Some nights a guy's shit out of luck.
For there seldom is heard
A discouraging word
To match Millie's, 'No I won't fuck!'"
--- G0211

Abstinence to most that are wary,
Is due to diseases most scary.
For me, I admit
The reason's unfit;
Mine is just not voluntary.
--- Hare

Whatever has happened to Sybil?
She used to be good for a dibble;
But now she's a nun
And forgotten the fun.
She won't even consider a nibble.
--- Peter Wilkins

I fancied my sweet little cousin,
(My age then in years was a dozen,)
I tickled her rear
With my spear, but my ear
Got slapped, and I left, head a-buzzin'.
--- Anon

I was half of that age and a runt;
But my cousin did not take affront
At my fumbling try,
But told me, "Don't cry!
Here, I'll show you a fine little... stunt."
--- Anon

We walked and we kissed by the moonlight;
My chances were looking so bright.
We got to her door;
I'm begging for more,
But all she would say was..."Good night!"
--- SFA

That gal was shagged out, SFA;
I'd rogered her most of the day.
Come evening tide,
She's full up inside,
And too sore to let little boys play.
--- Tiddy Ogg

She said that you gave her a screw
But finding your inches so few...
She tried with your fist
But really got pissed
And then turned to the butt of my cue.
--- SFA

An eager young fellow named Wade
Was anxious to see his fair maid.
He laid plans for the day
But they all went astray,
When he found that his plans had been laid.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0374

Said the bride on her wedding night, "Dear,
We were shacked up for more than a year...
So now that we're wed,
Could we just go to bed,
And turn over and sleep, rear to rear?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 579


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