I hope he is miserable, too,
With a heart all broken and blue.
I'm ready to give in
If he'll come home again.
He can have the remote. I'm a shrew.
--- Marlene

I really do feel for your plight;
I feel for your tits, left and right.
I feel for your sump
'Cause it needs a pump,
But mainly because it's so tight,
--- H Welchel

While your friend is out eating beans,
I'll dine on your plump nectarines.
I've got some wild oats --
Forget the remotes --
We'll tune out your blues with our screams.
--- H Welchel

Okay, I forgot the remote.
Who could think with "THAT" in your throat?
When my sweetie comes home,
(The silly coxcomb)
You and I will sit here and gloat!
--- Marlene

"Thank God it is Friday," she said.
"I can spend the whole weekend in bed,
With volumes of dreams
On a musical theme,
That keeps spinning around in my head."
--- Azul

"Thank God it is Friday," she said.
"I can spend the next day in my bed;
With redheaded girls,
A-wearing their curls,
And all of them giving me head.
--- Archie

What's this about redheaded girls?
You've an aversion to soft brown curls?
Golden skinned from the sun,
A beryl-eyed amazon
To help make your flag unfurl!
--- Azul

There was a young fellow named Barney,
Who wanted to visit Killarney.
He was told the colleens there
Were screwing-machines there,
But he found that was Irishmen's blarney.
--- Isaac Asimov A

My gardens are best when they're weedless.
I much prefer grapes that are seedless.
I like mossy glades
And I'm fond of old maids,
Although in the glades they are deedless.
--- Limber Limericks

An Athens professor named Heidi
Insisted her love life be tidy;
Said she, "Out with Sunday,
Of course, not on Monday,
And never, means never on Friday."
--- Armand Singer

My cousin Michelle is so bad,
She recently went out with a lad.
But when he proposed
She quickly opposed,
And told him his dick was too sad.
--- Anon

The wife of the sheik of Malucca
Would beg him for sex, or his succa.
As much as she whined,
He remained disinclined
(And so, too, did his succa), to fucca.
--- David A Brooks Q

Don't touch me, for sure, that's the truth!
Why don't you go bug my Aunt Ruth?
I'm willing to bet
She won't mind the wet.
I don't like to sweat; it's uncouth.
--- Anon

There ws a young man named McCloud
Who tackled a maid that was proud.
He emerged a bit bloody,
Disheveled and cruddy,
But his prick was erect, but unbowed.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0537

A passionate fellow named Rassity
Attacked a young maid with rapacity.
She said, "You must learn
To await your right turn,
For at present I'm filled to capacity."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0312

A lady to the butler "Please Mork,
Would you kindly get me a fork."
He proceeded to unzip
And his thing out did whip,
And she said "Mork, I said fork, not fawk"
--- Anon

A mistress who lives near the Tweed
Has developed a singular creed;
She will not coo and bill,
Or provide a cheap thrill,
Till convinced there's a genuine need.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

Azul, your friendship I'll treasure
But hope it is not the full measure
Of what you might grant,
To a man who just can't
Stop thinking of sensual pleasure....
--- Anon

A cautious young filly of France
Said, "Non, m'sieu, I no take ze chance.
I once try ze tail,
And my luck...Zut! She fail.
So keep your mitts out of my pants!"
--- G1660

A real-estate man's imperfections
As a lover, caused female rejections.
"I'm deflated," he moaned,
"They're erogenous-zoned,
But only for high-rise erections."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Since I've never had congress with pigs,
(Nor with Chinee, nor Maori, nor Nigs),
That's poor Jim's biggest bother:
How I can't be his father.
(And that's putting it nicely for prigs!)
--- Anon

"I'm sure I am hearing it wrong,"
I wailed to that little Miss Strong.
"Did I hear you say
You won't lay me today?--
When I brought my whole sex kit along!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 535 G2233

A gentile old lady named Krause
Was robbed and debauched by a louse,
Which brought forth tears galore
From the spinster next door,
For she knew that she'd bought the wrong house.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1359

There was an old man of Kentucky,
Who said to his woman, "Oi'll fuck ye."
She replied, "No you wunt
Come anigh my old cunt,
For your prick is all stinking and mucky."

(Published 1870)
--- l0482

Testosterone moves me to doubt
That a teenage lad's use of his spout
Will be much deterred
By what must be inferred.
Let's change "Just Say No" to "KEEP OUT!"
--- Norm Storer P9806

Once the size of my member was visible,
I determined her fountain unfizzable,
When she choked back a chortle,
In departing my portal,
And derided my rising as risible.
--- Anon

Why "Love Unrequited"? Afraid
Of calling it lovers un-laid,
Or cocks never sheathed,
Or pussies uncleaved?
Next time, please, a spade call a spade.
--- Irving Superior P9307a

I can't lie about my love-life,
Or pretend that it's all without strife.
Just to be frank,
If I needed the rank,
My sofa would be my new wife.
--- Fredrico

Come into the garden, dear Maude;
Your chastity is now assured!
I've given up hope
Of getting a grope,
Unless your young sister gets bored.
--- David Miller

An actress of dubious fame,
Denied that she was on the game:
"Didn't tickle his pouch
On his casting couch,
And never was there when he came!"
--- Anon

"Have you ever frolicked in filth,
And had your twat gorged to the hilth?"
Asked June to friend May.
May answered, "No way!
My filth to the hilth has been nilth!"
--- Anon

There was a young sailor named Sinbad
Who screwed a young lady named Linbad.
But she swears to this day
Though she has gone astray,
She maintains that in bed she'd not been bad.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0331

"I've been told of the bird and the bee,"
Said a sweet little Rose of Tralee.
"Their ways are so strange,
I could never arrange
To let anyone try it with me."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

This is file xdm

From East and West came two sages,
Who discovered the wisdom of ages:
Piss off the fair sex,
There will be NO sex,
And you'll leaarn what feminine rage is.
--- Annie Jay

"Oh, pretty please, Marty," he'd wheedle.
"If you'd just let me do the deed'll
Make it look so cool!"
But I ain't no fool --
He's not sticking me with his needle!
--- Marlene Lewis

Marsha, if it's John Deere you chase,
You will have no content at his place.
In order to bed her,
He may offer his header, (device on grain harvester)

(John Deere and Case are farm implement companies - McW)
--- Anon

There was a young lady named Grundy,
For whom every day was a fun day.
When the Lord's day come 'round,
She could never be found,
For she never did love on a Sunday.
--- Albin Chaplin

Greek passions are carefree and furious,
And their excesses, sometimes injurious.
Though they're blessed with great zest,
On the Sabbath they rest,
In a manner Melina Mercurious.

(Melina Mecuri - star of 'Never On Sunday')
--- G0597

Ladies! Beware of the chap
Who entreats you to sit on his lap.
It may seem quite gay
In the style of the day,
But it ends with you both in a flap.
--- Weekly Science

If we take that walk down the aisle,
You must give up sleeping with Lisle.
You must stop carousing
And phallus arousing.
You cannot be queen of the guile.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Harsh cooked a lady some dal,
Chapatis and Pizza Royale.
She said, "You can stay,
We can cuddle and play,
As long as you don't Taj Mahal."

Said the husband, "Hey wife! Rise and shine,
Some sex before breakfast sounds fine."
She said, "No, I've an eight,
Gynecologist's date --
And I'm seeing my dentist at nine."
--- Ed Potts P8511a

Said he to she, "It's not wrong!"
She replied, "My convictions are strong!
Only bells from a wedding
Will herald our bedding!
First a ring, then I'll peel for your dong."
--- Rowdy Jack Eggerton P0103

A promising maid from Gantts Quarry
Went riding with me in my lorry,
But it wasn't much use,
For she didn't produce
Though her eyes were both misty and starry.
--- Alsops Foibles

While viewing a girl sans her gown,
Our Archie, photog of renown,
Thought that he get
A nice nudie shot,
But only his battery went down.
--- Cyber Wizard

A careful old gal named Bernice,
Though ugly and rather obese,
Said, "Before you tumesce,
I don't put out unless
I get you to sign a long lease."
--- Armand E Singer 820

That scholarly novelist Drabble,
Claimed sex was meant merely for rabble;
Observing that she
Remained fancy free
And much preferred games such as Scrabble.
--- Armand Singer

From deep in the stacks came a holler;
A librarian outraged by a scholar.
No, it wasn't a rape,
But she has it on tape --
The cheapskate's top offer: one dollar.
--- Neal Wilgus P8311

A guy who was named Mr Trudeau
Once said that he'd thought he'd been screwed-o.
What clipped his caboose
Was only a goose,
And the screwing was totally pseudo.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

She pulled opened the door and found
Her blind date was speeding south-bound.
She just did not mind,
He'd bared his behind,
And his beef was just one-quarter pound.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

How bitter was Joseph's existence
When he found that his girl friend's insistence
Meant that he'd have to wed her
Before he could bed her.
She was simply a piece de resistance.
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young brave who got hot,
And chased an old squaw who was not.
So she stuffed her canal
With some dried chapparal,
And sprinkled some sand on her twat.
--- L0870

The girls who dance in the chorus
Won't be caught dead with old Boris.
They claim and 'tis true,
He just wants to screw,
And there plain were too many before us.
--- Treva Myatt T9710

Do you think I'll just jump right in bed,
All willing, with my legs a spread,
Because you dropped by?
Will you stay or fly?
'Til I know, this lace I'll not shed.
--- Anon

They've cleared rock musician Pete Buck;
He must have the devil's own luck.
He groped stewardesses;
Spilled goo on their dresses,
But still failed to get him a fuck.
--- Anon

I met him last night down the pub
And over some lager and grub,
He whinged and he whined
"Why should I be fined...
For joining the ole Mile High Club?"
--- Anon

Discarding my titfer and dicky,
We scooted upstairs for a quickie.
My zipper got stuck.
(God damn it, what luck!)
So all that she got was a hickey.
--- SFA

In La France, once a clevair young man,
Met a girl on the beach down at Cannes.
Said the mademoiselle,
"Eh, m'sieu, vot ze 'ell?
Stay away where eet ees not son-tan!"
--- L1582

There was once a fair maid of Penzance,
Who stifled all thoughts of romance,
But as she grew older,
And the knights became colder,
She wished she had taken a chance.
--- J A Johnson

There's a man who is named Isidore,
Who has never made love to a whore.
It is not that he frowns,
At the ups and the downs;
He just thinks paying cash is a bore.
--- Isaac Asimov

A clumsy young fellow named Linnet
Had something go wrong every minute.
His girl had some doubt
And she soon threw him out,
For fear he would get his foot in it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2162

There was a young fellow named Fred,
Who took a young lady to bed,
Who slept the night through,
Neglecting to do
What her mother had taught her to dread.
--- John Ciardi

There once was a girl from Missippi,
In loves fevered grasp was quite slippy.
She would say with a grin,
"We'll do all but put in,
For I don't want to end up wide-hippy."
--- Straydog

I Loved Rebecca; but she
Loved Tom; Tom, Jane; and Jane, me.
By love unrequited,
We are all united.
Who are so unhappy as we?
--- Laurence Perrine P9307

For those two little birds in the tree,
Or for rabbits and cats, you'll agree,
To mate female with male
Is the point of life's tale,
So why this reluctance with me?
--- G0207

His sex drive? He couldn't defeat it;
Could do it six times then repeat it.
When his girl said, "No more,"
He called on a whore,
But her door-sign said "Out To Lunch, Beat It!"
--- Jane D Hughes P9205

To tell you the truth about this,
I really don't do much in whist. (cardgame)
I take my things slow;
Much deeper than low;
Platonic is how I doth kiss.
--- Jim Weaver Collection