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I'm a nephew of my Uncle Sam, You wannna have kids, my sweet Mabel? A year ago Liz had a frolic Clarissa Jane thought it was gay, There once was an innocent Quaker, She was sipping some sweet Mogen David, There once was a young man named Stan Last Christmas when I jumped for Joy, With appropriate curtsy and vail, Have you heard about poor Angelique? A lady who lives in Van Nuys, I wondered why you were so tubby! A woman that we'll call Elaine, The girlfriend of teenager Tommy A damsel in labor named Tidd Oh so proud am I, and full of joy, This Labor Union can't deny A pretty young intern was bored; Celebrities travel abroad, A wispy young maid from Ash Fork Your decision was certainly best, I'm glad that thing had you a-chuckling, Your mother must learn how to wean, In Europe a sexagenarian World Wide Web zealots all over Earth Now a Mom of laborious girth Moaned a round-heeled young maiden from Framingham, At 80, a 40-D bust Though a self-confessed egalitarian, In Europe, a sexagenarian A callous old priest, Father Lynn, Minerva, while she was a neighbour, A teacher named Miss Prudence Prother When the doctor examined Ms. Keast, You weasel, you wart, you damn germ! It was really a female of Thame A French teacher, lovely and slim, Cried the maid, "You must marry me, Hume!" It prompts her to laugh when her laddie There once was a black goat named Shub A hotblooded lassie named Bates A flustered you floozie from Fiji An impotent old fellow in Butte, That sexy young teacher in Prother I went back in time one May morn; I traveled back twenty years more, The Old Lady Who Lived In A Shoe Since the baby came, little Miss Snow There was a pregnant whore named Lil; Conception is now found inducible To the world, your semen must scatter, A parturient pixie of Corning A pregnant young lady named Nettie, Reproduction had Jackie Lou lyrical I met a plump girl in September. In a court a new mother from Lunt So my daddy was the milkman, My siblings look like the milkman, They say it's a rare man who knows A thought lurks deep in my mind, There was an old bastard named Gladys Said a burgeoning Mary McCann, A wistful young maiden from Reno There was a young fellow named Steve Peter so aptly named; You say that you're pregnant? How fine! A girl who was raped by an humanoid
But I knocked up a girl in Siam.
So the Feds came to say
That I'd have to pay.
Where's my freedom when I'm on the lam?
--- John Miller
To give a good stuffing I'm able.
But first give your word
Before I come aboard,
That the rascals will not wear my label.
--- Anon
With Bubba, an old alcoholic;
Now Bubba's done gone,
And left Liz alone,
With Junior who's screaming with colic.
--- Travis Brasell
That lunch hour we spent in the hay.
But once she was bare,
I didn't take care.
I hear that she's nursing today.
--- John Miller
Who fell for a baker called Dacre.
Five minutes of lovin',
Put a bun in her oven,
And made the young baker forsake her.
--- Anon
While she read 'Metamorphosis' (Ovid),
When along came a satyr
And a couple weeks later,
She discovered that he'd made her gravid.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
Who impregnated a girl in a van.
She said "It's a bother
To locate the father,
But I know he's a short Jewish man."
--- Uncle Jimbo TP9804
She fell for my big-city ploy
And an offer of sweets.
She now plies the streets,
Earning food for her bright baby boy.
--- John Miller
She greeted Lord John in the vale.
On a bank in the sun
He fathered a son
And she ended up taking the veil.
--- A N Wilkins P9112
She canoed up the river last week,
With some damn lumberjack.
And though they came back,
We're afraid she's been left up the creek.
--- John Ciardi
Went out with a couple of guys.
They drank quite a lot
And smoked lots of pot;
Now she rubs her big belly and cries.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
Now I know that you weren't simply chubby;
Since you're chosen to stay
In "The Family Way,"
The next you need is a hubby!
--- Robin K Willoughby P8701
In LaMaze did faithfully train.
Despite patterned breathing,
With huffing and heaving,
Screamed, "This isn't pressure, it's PAIN!"
--- James Charis
Had earned the new title of Mommy,
Which was traceable back,
To protection they lacked,
On the night they played Hide The Salami.
--- Cap'n Bean P0205
Said, "It musta been somethin I DID."
Which proves an injection
Without disinfection
Nearly always results in a kid...
--- Grand Prix Lim 646
For today was delivered a boy.
It's by airmail he came,
And it's Semach his name,
And his huge ears don't even annoy.
--- Anon
You membership if you apply.
The Union -- the LAMAZE.
Papa assist Mamas,
Together till the baby's cry.
--- Irving Superior P8608
A student Doc got his reward.
He sees her now daily
As he does his rounds gaily;
She's there in Maternity Ward!
--- Anon
And name brats from where they have scored,
I screwed Erm, my sweet,
In the car, with my feet
On the dash, so the nipper's named Ford.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was almost as light as a cork,
And it's commonly thought
This baby was brought
By a sparrow insead of a stork.
--- William K Alsop P9202
Even though 'twas just mentioned in jest.
If you went there once more,
You'd run afoul of the law,
For return trips are known as incest.
--- AA
But answer me this, please, my duckling:
I guess then that I
Should steer clear of Ma's pie,
But do you think that I, too, should stop suckling.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Without your causing a scene.
My suggestion is, "Ma,
Put it back in your bra,
And serve him some tuna cuisine.
--- Archie
(Romanian, not a Bavarian)
Said, "Oldest of mothers
To be is my druthers."
And had a wee babe, by Caesarean!
--- Anon
Learnt the planet's first internet birth
Was successful offline --
Mom and babe are both fine --
But of labor online found a dearth!
--- Prof M-G TP9806
Plans to share her contractual mirth.
She'll play poker, I read,
While her doctors proceed
With what's virtually internet birth!
--- Prof M-G TP9806
"My poor kids aren't at fault, I'm not blaming `em,
But they pop out so fast
I am simply aghast;
Hell, I even have trouble in naming `em.
--- Armand Singer
Awakened his slumbering lust.
Buxom and fair,
The child had red hair,
Resulting, no doubt, from the rust.
--- John Miller
She indulged rites that weren't riparian.
So one sunny day,
Nine months after a lay,
She succumbed to her second caesarean.
--- Anon
(Romanian, not a Bavarian)
Said, "Oldest of mothers
To be is my druthers."
And had a wee babe by Caesarean.
--- Jan 2005
Once knocked up a nun, steeped in sin;
He strangled their issue,
Sneered, "We'll never miss you,"
And threw it away, with a grin.
--- Armand Singer
Had wantonly swallowed my Sabre.
It then drove her wild,
But she was with child,
And sadly she went into labour.
--- SFA Q
Says producing a bastard's a bother.
For promiscuous Miss Prudence
Yenced all her male students,
So damned if she knows who's the father.
--- Grand Prix Lim 158
This is file wvl
He told the young lady, "At least
The last time I heard
That this thing occurred,
A bright star appeared in the East."
--- A N Wilkins P8503a
Your mom did not carry full term --
She just threw you out
Because, there's no doubt,
You were made from really bad sperm.
--- Anon
Who fled there to cover her shame.
She was heavy with child,
And it makes them so wild
That their shortsighted Clerk took the blame.
--- VOL 5
Was undone by the phrase, "Je vous aime."
She said, when time came
To give junior a name,
"It could have been him, him, or him!"
--- Pierce Evans
A statement that made David fume.
He said, "In cause and effect,
There is a defect;
That it's mine you can only assume."
--- P W R Foot
Says, "Mom, just who was my daddy?"
The old gal can't say...
It could be Pete or Ray,
Uncle Stephen or even her caddy!
--- Grand Prix Lim 920
Who suggested men give her a rub.
Soon she started to growl,
From the woods came a howl,
And in nine months she spawned her a cub!
--- Darren Sullivan
Was given to latenightly dates;
Such excessive indulging
Left her poor tummy bulging;
Her future's in perilous straits.
--- Armand Singer
Discovered, alas, she was P.G.
Said she, "Now let's see,
Just who could it be?
I've run quite a few through my squeegee."
--- G1636a
Sued in a paternity suit,
Said, "Judge, if such flattery'd
Recharge my dead battery,
I'd pay her and ten others to boot.
--- Grand Prix Lim 616
Says having a baby's a bother.
Promiscuous Miss Prudence
Yentzed all her male students,
So damned if she knows who's its father!
--- G1710
Made love to a maid in the corn.
And what do you know!
After nine months or so,
It turned out that Tiddy was born.
--- Anon
Again found a girl for to score.
A new kid was born, a
Girlie, named Lorna...
I'll leave you to work out the stor-y.
--- Anon
Had twenty-two kids, it is true.
But nobody bothers
To identify fathers
So I say unto you, what is new?
--- Albin Chaplin P8701a
Won't diddle--she just hollers NO!
She thinks a fat senator
Was its likely progenitor,
But having laid ten, she can't know.
--- G1719
A hooker who'd not use the pill.
His game had been swift
When he gave her this gift;
Who was it? John, Jim, or Bill?
--- Rick H
By 'in vitro' detente in a crucible.
But the act is maligned
Though the product's in kind,
As the honeymoon's irreproducible.
--- Nancy Raymond P8408a
Trying too hard not to flatter.
If too much is spread
You'll wind up like bread,
And rise up until you are fatter.
--- Chris Tustin
Remarked, with her offspring aborning,
"I never did bother
To learn who's the father...
He left before daylight that morning!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 921
Could blame either John, Joe, or Freddie,
Or it could have been Thackery,
Or from Aaron to Zachary,
For her mother said, "You can't go steady."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1417
Till her belly began to get spherical...
Knowing her sexy yen,
It was caused by some men,
And not, as she claims, by a miracle!
--- Grand Prix Lim 754 A
The wedding bells rang in November.
But her avoirdupois
Proved an unwanted joy
When her baby arrived in December.
--- Laurence Perrine P8402
When questioned was honest and blunt...
Asked, "By whom were you had
And was he the kid's dad?"
She blushed and responded, "Mike Hunt."
--- Grand Prix Lim 454
The father of all in my clan.
Some think it's a joke.
Some noses are broke;
Mom married him 'fore they began.
--- Anon
But only the five of us can
Say that with straight face,
Because in our case
The milkman is "Dad" in our clan.
--- Anon
His father, But then I suppose
'Tis a pretty safe bet,
That the milkman did pet
Your mama in times long ago.
--- Anon
When times were hard, often you'd find,
With no cash in sight,
The lady'd invite
You inside and would pay it in kind.
--- Anon
And you know what her latest fad is?
Recalling the names
Of her mothers old flames,
To try to discover who dad is?
--- Paul Westwood P9607a
"This infant is not here by plan...
From the doc's diagnosis,
It's not due to osmosis...
So it must be from sex with a man."
--- Grand Prix Lim 369
Was anxious to have a bambino;
And when she succeeded,
The menfolk all pleaded
"It must have been him. But not me. No!"
--- Hugh Oliver A078A
Who said happily, "Would you believe
That my wife is so saintly
She has managed, quite quaintly,
Without help of mine, to conceive?"
--- Isaac Asimov
Your mother is not to be blamed.
She couldn't be sure,
Which peter du jour,
Was your daddy or in which end they camed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection A
You're expecting a baby? Divine!
I am hoping it's well,
Though at times it will smell,
And I pray that the sucker ain't mine!
--- Cap'n Bean P0508
Soon felt life in her abdumanoid.
But the pregnancy was
Not quite average because
In darkness her belly was luminoid.
--- G2602
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