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The hooker who covers our block There was a young fellow named Adam Smiled a round-heeled young floozy from Framingham, The old folks have not been the same There was a young girl of New York "My God!", she declared in dismay. (Novels must have religion, royalty, sex, mystery)
Anne went to a good plastic surgeon Not only was Dick soon seduced, The real father, however, was Stan, Was Dick in the least bit, dismayed? Now, you wonder how this will turn out? The twins born today to Miss Strother "Yes, mother, it's starting to show," A woman who lived near Fort Worth Said the benefits clerk: "Would you mind She added, "While bent over, puking And so, in the next claimant came. In comes the third: "Sir, if it pleases, Your excellent limerick, Tid, "This man doesn't know of my need," A lass is plain wrong so to linger, Three bawdy young women of Chatham, The lush and voluptuous Miss Strother A popular lady named Ritter Said a shameless young girl of Bagdad, A pregnant young lady named Kant Just like the ho said, getting laid: When a lady returned from Big Moose, A speedy young halfback named Cletus Slightly pregnant but still a good lay, There was a young lady of Delhi, (Published 1870)
A gentleman quite debonair While in Brisbane, he happened to blunder I'm starting to feel rather vexed; My husband, he often works late, It was no immaculate conception, What's happened since carrying this child? My man finds it hard to keep pace; A specialist in infertility At this point, Sue made the admission The zygotes were made in a dish. One baby succumbed (never mind) Though full nine months pregnant, Miss Kitchener A sensuous lass of North Bay, A young Eskimo girl named Annie, The big rounded belly on Nellie There was a young woman called Devlin A single young lady named Potter There was a young lady named Flo, Princess Mary of Denmark's no slouch; A woman who's busy with cookery She informed her dear husband with glee, A small population increase A couple with fated ontogeny Archie, my wild Aussie brother! Well he's got it made in the shade! I have to think what to do. But, trust me, that won't happen here, Of course, there's adoption, that's hard; And girls, I will need your advice, So Archie is pregnant, they say. If I knew to use pink or blue, Have you planned the baby's layette? My gosh, there is so much to do. My friend, Marlene, thanks for your help. I have worked out the ova doner --
Can't doff for every new cock.
Grotesque is her son who
Was sired on a run through,
By semen fine-strained through her smock.
--- Dick Buenger P8309
Whose mother had once been a madam.
As for Daddy, the score
Was at least seven, for
On the day of conception, Ma'd had 'em.
--- Isaac Asimov
"My ten kids gave me fits just in naming 'em,
But their several sires
Sure as sin lit my fires,
And it wouldn't be right to start blaming 'em."
--- Armand E Singer 107
Since a birth notice came from their Mame
Saying, "While I was plastered
I was gotten with bastard...
And I never did ask the guy's name!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 108
Who said, "I'm expecting the stork.
I don't know the father;
It is just too much bother.
I guess I should have used a cork."
--- G1696
She cried, "I am pregnant today!"
Though a duchess she was,
She was baffled because,
She'd no clue how she wound up this way.
--- R Daneel
To turn her back into a virgin,
In order to trick
A rich guy named Dick,
To give in to her maternal urgin'.
--- John Miller 0079
The poor bastard was quickly reduced
To a married man's life
With Anne as his wife,
And the foetus he thought he'd produced.
--- John Miller 0079a
And here's a small flaw in Anne's plan:
Alas and alack!
Dick was white, Stan was black,
And the baby, a rich shade of tan.
--- John Miller 0079b
Not a bit! He just knelt down a prayed!
He blamed it on God,
Not Stan's active rod,
And the role that the surgeon had played.
--- John Miller 0079c
What, in fact, the whole thing is about?
Well, here's news for you:
I'm wondering too --
And a clue, without doubt, I'm without!
--- John Miller 0079d
Are causing one helluva bother.
She sexed forty men
Again and again,
So why does she claim I'm their father.
--- Grand Prix Lim 198
Said Nell, "But no use blaming Joe.
And I doubt it was Fred,
Or the vicar, or Ned.
The truth is, I simply don't know."
--- John Ciardi
Was willing, she said, to give birth;
If men didn't butt in
With their sex and their sin,
And there were no effect on her girth.
--- Isaac Asimov
Revealing, if you'd be so kind,
The dad of this kid?
"I dunno who did
The deed. I was took from behind."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Out the window, I'd no chance for looking
To see while I heaved,
What man had relieved
His passion with rear mounted fooking."
--- Tiddy Ogg
"I really don't know who's to blame.
It happened by chance
At an Army Camp dance,
And Squaddies they all look the same."
--- Tiddy Ogg
I've never had sex. Here's my thesis:
I've wrote to the Pope
In the sure certain hope
That here's the return of Lord Jesus."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Reminds me that I must now bid
A kind and fond greeting
To children I'm meeting,
Since each may damn well be my kid!
--- Travis Brasell
She said, "Really I do need to breed."
And then she got pregnant,
Sitting down on the segment,
With spunk on the wet toilet seat.
--- Anon
In hopes that a kid it'll bring 'er;
Or, if they're a fool,
Loose sperm in a pool;
The least that it takes is a finger!
--- Anon
Whose motto was, "Up, girls and at 'em!",
Could never recall
With their babies and all,
Just which of their guys had begat 'em.
--- Keith MacMillan 68b
Says having twins was no bother.
What makes her rear tired
Are the dopes who've inquired
As to which of her studs was the father.
--- Grand Prix Lim 371
Found many young fellows that fit her.
When her belly was swelling,
There was no way of telling
Which tooth in the buzz saw had hit her.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1422a
Concerning the twins she'd just had:
"At the party, while tight,
Fellows used me all night,
So how can I know who's the dad?
--- G1636
Was asked who had been her gallant.
"When it's wild oats you sow,
Tell me, how you can know
Which seed grew which singular plant?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1412
"I know for mistakes I'll be paid.
You reap what you sow,"
Said yo' mama the ho,
And that mistake's how you was made.
--- Anon
Her husband exclaimed, "What the deuce!
I am quite reconciled
To the Call of the Wild,
But where did you get that papoose?"
--- Morris Bishop
Told his team, "I'm afraid State will beat us.
But I've got a date
With their coaches mate --
For revenge she'll get athlete's fetus!"
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
A torrid young Jill from Back Bay
Said, "I reckon I ought
Not to sex, being caught,
But I CAN'T be caught now the same way!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 651
Who had a bad pain in her belly.
Her relations all smiled.
'Cause they found her with child
By his honor, the Chief Batsman Kelly.
--- L0922
Had ideas about sex LAISSEZ-FAIRE,
Till he met a real cutie
Who taught him his duty
Was to family since he'd made an heir.
--- J'Carlin
On the reason why girls there are fecunder:
They've stock genitalia,
But the girls in Australia,
Every day of their lives, are down under!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
This is file wul
I'm wondering what to do next.
I'll make an admission;
My pregnant condition,
Is making me feel highly sexed!!
--- Jayne
(He's got to keep food on our plate...)
Such frustration is mine,
For love I do pine,
As I long for our hips to gyrate.
--- Jayne
You won't fall for that old deception.
I'm sure you can guess,
I got in this mess,
'Cause I just can't resist an erection!
--- Anon
I used to be pleasant and mild.
With sex I'm obsessed,
One touch of my breast,
Has me groaning and going quite wild.
--- Jayne
I pin him all over the place.
A few years ago,
He would not say no,
But now find that I have to give chase.
--- Jayne
Had diagnosed 'mutual sterility.'
But gametes from Ken
And some ova from Gwen
Still geve John and Sue the ability.
--- Sandra Hartley
She wasn't keen on parturition,
And thought to enquire
About surrogate hire.
Patricia then gave her permission.
--- Sandra Hartley
One reject was ditched (parent's wish).
Two others were frozen,
And three finally chosen
For placement inside Aunty Trish.
--- Sandra Hartley
Another was thought to be blind.
Selective abortion
(A measure of caution)
Left one born -- consumer designed!
--- Sandra Hartley
Found sexual passion still itchin' her,
And in spite of the pain,
She laughed like a drain,
At the thought of that son of a bitch in her.
--- G1675
Not afraid to be laid in the hay,
Gave it all without shame,
Till at last she became,
So to speak, in the family way.
--- Keith MacMillan 71a
Said, "Mother, you'll soon be a granny.
Not, as you suppose is,
Caused by rubbing noses,
But having Nanook in my cranny."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9407
Was due to a joker named Kelly,
Who found it was fun
To shoot from his gun
In the belly of Nellie his jelly.
--- Grand Prix Lim 204
Who thought one or two laws needed "levelin'."
When asked "Wot no Dad! "
She replied "Don't look sad,
I'm in a condition I'm revelin!"
--- Jane Dawson
Would never go close to the water.
She stayed in the sun
And had lots of fun,
But now she has twins and a daughter.
--- Laurence Patterson P9309
Who lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
--- L0926
Seems she's done it on her Prince's couch;
We hope she is sober
When in late October,
Little Joey jumps out of her pouch.
--- David Miller
Hasn't time for enlarging her bookery,
So she may not be smart
About Freud or Descartes,
But she knows what to do in the rookery.
--- Limber Limericks
"We'll soon be two plus, dear, that's three!
Dick, Tom, Michael or Harry,
Ashley, Jon, even Barry,"
She said "Maybe he'll be a she!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Is due to a dolly in Greece,
Who spread on a bed
For a cocksman named Ed,
Full many an interesting crease.
--- G1670
Desired to help human phylogeny.
They read in the tabloids
That donated haploids
Could grant them their much wanted progeny.
--- Sandra Hartley
Has been screwing around with some other.
Your waist it's affecting
'Cause now your expecting --
And you don't even know who's the mother.
--- Ericka
Did you know that C. Chaplin made
A trust fund for man
Who (if ever) can
Give birth to a kid. Celebrate.
--- Nik Synytskyy
Unmarried dads, a problem, true.
If I knew who was the Mum,
Dad'd get out his gun;
A wedding would take place quite soon.
--- Archie
Maybe an abortion, I fear.
That's not the answer,
I might get a cancer,
And lose everything I hold dear.
--- Archie
Small kids growing up without Dard.
And I know I'll grieve
When seeing it leave,
And I'd cry if I let down my guard.
--- Archie
On handling results of my vice;
To carry to term
Or treat like a germ;
I'm confused and not very nice.
--- Archie
Has this been confirmed, by the way?
You've had ultrasound
On that nice little mound?
Do you know when is your due day?
--- Marlene
I would knit a bunting for you.
Well, it'd be for the baby
Unless you think, maybe,
That you will be needing one too.
--- Marlene
Know how many diapers to get?
Because you're a man,
The formula plan,
And get baby bottles: one set.
--- Marlene
Does not sound like you have a clue!
Go purchase a crib
And a new baby bib,
And one diaper pail for the loo!
--- Marlene
In March of next year, I will whelp.
The ultrasound things
Confirmed it is twins.
Having them, I think I will yelp!
--- Archie
With Ericka I lost my honor!
With Peter away,
She and I did play.
I then lost a duel aloner.
--- Archie
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