This lock, do you think you can shatter?
Was your promise just idle chatter?
You will be amply rewarded
For once I'm un-hoarded,
My cervix will be yours to batter.
--- Jules

I'll ream you so deep and so hard,
You'll need vaseline and some lard.
For mine is so profuse
There's no room for juice.
More than your cervix wlll be jarred.
--- H Welchel

In Medieval times, which were crude,
To make sure that none would intrude
On a lady svelte,
A chastity belt,
Would her sweetest fortress OCCLUDE.
--- Chris Papa

A clever inventor named Krupp,
Wore a belt when he wanted to tup.
His mighty dry cells,
Made her teats ring like bells,
And lighted the hall entrance up.
--- L1459

A traveling salesman named Fife
Got a chastity belt for his wife.
The locksmith named Lee
Made a duplicate key,
And he had the time of his life.
--- World Bst Drty Lims P0101

A big bully, more muscle that brain,
Picked a fight, then lay writhing in pain.
"You're so skinny," he said,
"But you bloodied my head!
Who are you?" The man said, "I am Kane."
--- William N Nesbit P0101

When affairs became long overdue,
Fannie Fattarse took up jujitsu.
Now she says, "Kiss me, fool,
Or I'll injure your tool!"
Wise young men are averse to argue.
--- William N Nesbit P0101

My girlfriend is really a bore,
Her motto: Kick ass like it's war:
She just wants to attack
Cause her belt is now black,
But darn it, I'd just like to score!
--- Mark Levy P0101

My belt is not green, it's now blue;
I can beat up eleven Zulu;
With a twelve inch erection,
I'm damn near perfection,
So why can't I get girls to screw?
--- Mark Levy P0101

Said an abberant wife from Chicoutimi,
"I know what I wish men would do to me.
But unless they can melt
This damn chastity belt,
I'm afraid that they might not get through to me."
--- Hugh Oliver 39a

This wasn't the story, I heard dealt.
He was shocked, when he first felt.
No, it wasn't a sym
That covered her quim,
But a medieval, chastity belt.
--- Anon

Determined, this device would be shed,
Even if, it was made with pure lead.
He would work on the trestle,
Hoping to nestle, his vessel.
First to find, the sweet maidenhead.
--- Anon

Him, being a master of his craft;
Payment, only with a sight draft.
But, was too tall an order,
To take on this boarder;
Before, she had a skin graft.
--- Anon

An effeminate Skinhead from Skokie
Said, "At times, all this macho stuff's hokey.
Shunning steroids, I'm svelte
Though I do have a belt,
It's a mauve one and in KARAOKE."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9611

Whether Anglo or Romish or Celt,
Just imagine the joke that was dealt
To those Bolde Knights of Olde
Who believed what was told:
"Just one key per chastity belt."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9911

Comes a broad to this orgy in Brampton,
With a chastity underpiece clamped on;
Then she raffles the key
And displays, vulgarly,
Where the price of her virtue is stamped on.
--- Keith MacMillan 64c

To see me's a real sad sight.
I have trouble in standing upright.
the cause of my trouble:
My back is bent double.
Doc says my suspenders -- too tight!
--- Jerry Mendelson TP9804

There was a young girl of East Lynne
Whose mother, to save her from sin,
Had tied 'round her waist
A titanium brace,
But the boy, who's a smithy, got in.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims

Nothing's as needed for Easter
As clothing that holds in your keister.
And stretchy waist nippers
That go with your slippers,
To hide the fact you are a feaster.
--- LadyJ

"Though this belt is my husband's reliance
On my morals," Said Sue with defiance.
For your tongue there is room,
And you've seen, I presume,
I have no orthodontal appliance.
--- Ed Potts P9001

The chastity belt that Joe bought,
When viewed by his wife came to naught.
She gave it one glance
And said, "Yes, I've got ants
But by THAT thing they'll never be caught!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 107

Said the Knight, ere departing the feast,
"The Crusade carries me to the East.
But should I die there,
It is only fair,
That my beautiful bride be released.
--- John Miller

So to you, Brother Tuck, I entrust
This key." Thus saying he thrust
The key to her band
Full into the hand
Of this Friar he knew he could trust.
--- John Miller

He had gone but two miles, maybe three,
When behind a dust cloud he could see.
There burst from this dust
Brother Tuck, fit to bust:
"Thou hast given me, Sire, the wrong key!"
--- John Miller

On the topic of ladies bra sizes,
There aren't that many surprises.
I thought she was wrong;
Ordered 44-LONG,
For this she won't win any prizes.
--- Dudesdead

There was a young man of Lapiere,
Who said to his date, "You're a dear.
Such a lovely big breast
Would be fun when caressed."
So she gave him her blow-up brassiere.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0513

There was a young lady named Grimes,
Who spent all her nickels and dimes,
On satin and lace,
To hold her in place,
And keep her abreast of the times.
--- G0348

When you first meet H. Pinwiddle Battic,
You'll feel, girls, he's somewhat erratic.
For he'll say, "Well, my dear,
May I have your brassiere
To add to the hoard in my attic?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 470

A cross-dressing kook from Tangiers,
Had a fondness for lacy brassieres.
But, being flat chested,
Was heavily tested,
So wore them as muffs on his ears.
--- Bob Giandominico P0107

The best advertisers, the bra--
The truth lies beneath where they are.
Cosmetics are next,
Then potential sex,
And lastly, a dimly lit bar.
--- Irving Superior P9709

Victoria's Secret, perhaps,
Should furnish us guys with good maps
To give us direction
And basic protecion
Through aisles lined with huge booby traps.
--- Travis

Sweetheart, I love Brah-rah-rah-Brahms
His music soft Brah-ah-ah-Brahms
But now sweetheart,
It's time we start
Removing your Bra-bah-bah-Brahms
--- Irving Superior P8802

Said Sadie O'Grady, "Oh Shit!
My new brassiere just doesn't fit!
It constrains my left breast
And I find I can't rest.
This Maidenform has Pent-a-Tit!"

(Pentatette - a limerick newsletter)
--- John Dohner P8712

This is file vpm

This garment, (which some will not mention),
Is known for its twistin' and wrenchin';
Though size "D" may be cause
For male cheers and applause,
For its wearer, it's often tit-tension.
--- Ann Gasser P8803

Of a falsie salesman named Will,
It was said any void he could fill.
When asked about work,
He replied with a smirk,
"I make mountains out of a molehill.
--- Macsam

What ever you think of the thing,
A bra could be called a tit sling.
These undies, you see,
Just happened to be
Invented by Otto Titzling.
--- Larry Davis P8712a

There once was a Hollywood star,
Who breasts were the largest by far.
No use copping a feel,
For her bra is chrome-steel,
A habit men think quite bizarre.
--- Isaac Asimov

Erin left, in her sweats, for the spa,
And her mother said, "It's a faux pas
For a girl to sashay
Out a-jiggle that way!
For heaven's sake, Erin, go bra!"
--- Bob Giandomenico P8802

"Last St. Patrick's Day early," said ma,
"I dreamt I was marching with pa
On Fifth Avenue there
With the priests and the mayor
Wearing only my Erin Go bra."
--- A N Wilkins P8802

It needed a good engineer
For to keep me well-balanced up here.
A contraption of pulleys
And ropes 'neath my woollies;
A novel, effective idea.
--- Anon

But jerking the rope to the right
Squeezed my mammaries hellishly tight;
And a jerk to the left
Left me feeling bereft,
As they dropped to my feet outta sight.
--- Anon

And viewed with some misapprehension
Their new engineering invention.
But now I feel fine
With their latest design,
Using cables for added suspension.
--- Anon

So ladies with mammaries large
As an elephant's arse or a barge
Or a red London bus,
Go to Knockers 'R' Us,
And they'll fit you for minimal charge.
--- Anon

While having a drink at a bar,
Ernie noticed Bert wearing a bra!
"Since when?" Ernie cried,
To which Bert replied,
"Since my wife fished it out of my car!"
--- Friar TP9802a

I'll tell you a tale, true, no lyin',
Concerning a playwright named Brian.
He's walking in Brighton,
Feels something alight on
His head...from a bus it came flyin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He looked up, saw two girls a-giggling,
And one has a bosom a-jiggling.
While they're looking down,
And takes from his crown
A bra that's of size fair-to-biggling.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He claims it's a 44D,
And wonders just whose can it be.
I have a suspicion
But need an admission,
From who sent this message to me.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I'm one of those guys that hates bras;
They give me big problems because
I ain't got the knack
For that hook in the back,
Thus seeming to prove Newton's Laws.

(they keep on doing what they're doing - McW)
--- Tiddy Ogg

There once was a bright engineer
Who drank a few bottles of beer,
Then with circles concentric
And forms geometric,
Invented the strapless brassiere.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0412

To prove it would not fall or pull,
That his formula wasn't pure bull,
Was the part he liked best,
To perform the feel test,
Where he certainly had his hands full.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0412

The frau of Count Ribbon von Troppen
Had trouble with bosoms adroppen.
So she ordered from Trier
What we call "brassiere".
But in German is "holtzemfrumfloppen."
--- Arthur Deex P8201

A prudish young lady, Camile,
Her bra was constructed of steel,
With cups of cement,
Which were made to prevent
All the fellows from copping a feel.
--- Cap'n Bean

The performance came off with eclat
When in Paris the wife of the Shah
Disrobed partly one day
On the Champs-Elysees,
And set fire to her Maidenform Bra.
--- A N Wilkins P8802

Said the MIT trained engineer
Who invented the strapless brassiere
"It would please my ilk,
If the left tit gave milk,
And the right tit instead gave us beer."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0605

A blonde, while at teatime with Chaucer,
Annoyingly sipped from her saucer;
"You never use cups?"
He asked. "Hell no, pups!"
She bellowed, "My tits hate a bra, Sir!"
--- Anon

A wonderful thing is the bra.
It keeps boobs from whacking your jaw.
They jiggle about --
Don't let 'em fall out!
'Cause 'round here it is 'gainst the law!
--- Anon

Busty Sue was thrilled to her bits,
When she found her new bra really fits.
It wasn't too tight;
It fitted just right;
'Twas a bomb shelter during the Blitz.
--- Anon

A buxom young lady from Maine
Wore dresses quite simple and plain,
But her bras were of lace.
A string held them in place,
And one once gave way under the strain.
--- Bob Birch P0207

The labels on bras of old brides
Are warnings that hang from the sides;
"This carries large boulders
Supported by shoulders;
Removing could cause some rock slides.
--- Travis Brasell

A canny old gent of the Heights
Had a fancy that seldom took flights.
When a bra was absurd on his well-endowed bird,
And a transparent vest would be best on her chest,
His pals asked for connubial rights.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Old Dorothy's done gone burned her bra;
She's taken it one step too far.
Her tits now, she's found,
Will drag upon the ground,
And nipples have many a scar.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A wealthy stockbroker named Haaz,
Who in order to vanquish the blahs,
Would filch women's lacies
From Gimbel's or Macy's,
Was at last nabbed for shoplifting bras.
--- A N Wilkins P8708

Abdul sported a checkered keffiyeh;
It went well with his white Arab gear;
From Pizza Huts he's banished,
After tablecloths vanished
And his wife wore a checkered brassiere.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0205

There is a young woman from Wearing
At whom everybody keeps staring.
She's losing her wits
'Cause the size of her tits
Is causing her bra to keep tearing.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The woman knew something was wrong
And felt she had reached her swan song.
"It is just as I fear,
When I buy a brassiere,
I now need a 36 long!"
--- Scott

Young Katey's new bra is a trainer,
Bought by her mum to retain her.
But her beau won't put on
His brand-new condom,
So she'll have to use it as a strainer
--- Anon

A woman named Willowbee Weecups
Lost all of her bras, which were C-cups;
Her resourceful, young spouse
Searched around in their house;
Now she's sporting an old pair of teacups.
--- Cap'n Bean P0411