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But being a quick-witted bard, Last night, friends, I finished my climb I was born with an 18 foot cock; Dear, Sir, if this really were true A twelve foot cock is way too long; I can't say I wrote this lim sober; This lim has made me feel sick, If my cock was twelve inches, you see, No livestock or men would I shag, A keyboard can be used to measure Place penis on top row of keys, I go out of town in the car, I tried that technique in my youth, She snickered while I did undress; There was no way she'd be appeased; A lad with an eighteen inch penis, I have to admit with a sigh I'm angry and nearly in shock! Be careful when you're getting dressed! Just don't tuck that part in your sock, I'm glad that my socks are dark blue, A scot from the valley of Clyde, "My dear, at the grape you've been nipping. Caramoja's a Ugandan clan, I think that you've got it all wrong ... There once was a boy from Hong Kong, Yes, the women had fits there, of sorts, There was a young man from Tashkent, The news went for Aix unto Ghent, If there were just twelve inches more, Today, twice, and twelve inches coming? A well-endowed blind man named Zane, At last, though, he had to refrain; To his dog, his wank he would tether. Stormy night at the royal palace: Did you hear about Tommy O'Shea? There was a young man of St. Paul's, The bride said, "I'll love you forever, A careless young coot named Magee I just found out I was defamed; An anatomy student at Yale Oh woe! Oh disaster! Oh dear! Oh hang on, I think I have found it Hand it over and let me inspect Oh Petal! Disaster! Come quick! There was an old man of Duluth, There once was a drunkard named Lee (Happens to lots of men when temp is below zero - McW)
Said a soldier, just back from Viet, (The North Vietnamese Tet offensive)
I once had a neat little gun A lad who is no longer whole, The guy may not have all his parts That poor fellas dick is no more; There once was a young man named Enus, Our streetsweeper, Terence McDoul, A man who thought he was a genius, I rubbed up this powerful genie, A lusty young sailor from Austin, Never brag 'bout the size of your dick, A eunuch from China named Wong There was a poor rider named Billy We were took by our teacher, Miss Beeham, After lunch the old Duchess of Teck, There was a young man from far Rockaway, One night I was fucking this chick There was a young man from Aberystwyth, There was a young man in Havana,
I stroked my dick, making it hard.
And when it was primed,
I climbed and I climbed
Its shaft until I reached my yard.
--- Travis Brasell
And tell of it, humbly in rhyme,
That simply bespeaks
Of what I, for weeks,
Have done in the passing of time.
--- Travis Brasell
The nurses were all on my jock.
I had it all made;
With me they all played.
Like geese, all females loved to flock
--- Dick Churtz
You would NEVER find someone to screw.
Is it 12, or 18?
(What the hell, its YOUR dream)
Perhaps, you can use it on YOU.
--- Dick Churtz
You'd never have me on that dong.
I'll settle for Peter,
And his measly meter;
I think you best lay off that bong!
--- Dick Churtz
I measured it last in October.
You have lots to say
And don't believe me but Hey!
Why not have your girlfriend bend over.
--- Dick Churtz
'Cause I have but four inches of dick.
But the ladies do grin
When I put it in,
'Cause most women like it that thick.
--- Dick Churtz
Then a most famous porn star I'd be.
Day and night I'd fill hole,
With my big mighty pole,
And I'd also make lots of money.
--- Anon
(The diseases are surely a drag)
But me pounding tail
Of every female,
Would be featured in every porn mag.
--- Anon
The length of the organ of pleasure,
That men take in hand
And feel rather grand,
As they lovingly massage that treasure.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And start at the left, if you please.
Now Trav's may reacch E,
And Peter reach T,
But for me? I run out of keys.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Lie down in the back; see how far
Up an old five bar gate
It'll reach. I can state
That I'll usually reach the top bar.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With the aid and assistance of Ruth.
From the left it reached E;
That's the E after C;
At the right of her piano, forsooth.
--- Peter Wilkins
This gal was so hard to impress.
So proudly I stood...
'Til she said "That's no good!"
"I'm needing nine inches, no less!"
--- Anon
She said no, as the moment you seized?
She for her clinches
Required nine inches?
Good grief she is easily pleased!
--- Anon
By nurses was fed intravenous
Viagra nonstop,
So each one could hop
Aboard without him losing keenness.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And regret that that lad wasn't I;
For those nurses just giggle,
And wiggle and jiggle
Their bosoms and thighs and say 'Hi'.
--- Anon
In public, a gal grabbed my cock,
And stroked it quite madly,
Without feeling badly,
That she'd rubbed a hole in my sock!
--- Anon
She probably was quite impressed
That you had three feet
But she was discreet,
'Cause it was the right she caressed.
--- Anon
Or caresses will mean you can't walk.
Your socks won't have holes,
If one of your goals
Is rolling it up in your jock.
--- Anon
Because the dark shade tends to skew
My goo when it shoots,
Deep into my boots,
And the stain's hidden well by the hue!
--- Anon
Proclaimed to the world with great pride:
"My pecker's so long
And incredibly strong,
Six pigeons can perch side by side."
--- Bluebird TP9807
Your vision has just gone a-tripping.
The truth is, my pet,
Only three birds can set,
And the third one, his foot keeps on slipping.
--- Bluebird TP9807
Where each and every young man,
Ties weights to his dong
And tries to elong-
Ate it. "Hung to the knee" is the plan.
--- Anon
I wouldn't tie weights to MY dong!
It stretches just great
Without any weight,
And I hold it all up with a thong.
--- Anon
Who'd a dong fourteen inches long.
Yes, it's hard to believe,
He was hung to his knee,
And he named it "What-a-ding What-a-dong!"
--- Anon
When it would hang out from under his shorts.
He impressed all their twats,
When he tied it in knots,
And plumbed in-and-out of their ports.
--- Anon
Whose dick was so long that he sent
It down through the floor
To find the Earth's core,
While searching for oil as it went.
--- Tiddy Ogg
About this remarkable gent.
At Christmas they went
For to measure its length
And were less than halfway during Lent.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Good God! Wouldn't that make you sore?
Is that twelve in two sixes,
Or some sort of mixes?
Do you think you are up to the chore?
--- John Miller
I'd think that would plug up your plumbing.
And ruin your back
Or cause heart attack...
Is that Frosty the Snowman you're humming?
--- John Miller
As a traveller, was cocky and vain.
While walking along,
He'd whip out his schlong,
As it made quite a memorable cane.
--- David Goldfield
The thing once got stuck in a drain,
And also the dog
Would piss on his log,
And cleaning their shit was a pain.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file tyl
Then one day in bitter cold weather,
The pooch yanked to break free,
Now he's hung to his knee,
With a needle dick of old leather.
--- Goin2later
When the Queen, in a moment of malice,
Filled her cunt up with acid
And lay there quite placid,
Dissolving His Majesty's phallus.
--- G2042
He went for a roll in the hay
With the little old lady
Of Seamus O'Grady;
They just found his penis today.
--- Anon
Who dreamt of Niagara Falls.
When he woke the next day,
It was "Anchors Aweigh"
For his penis, his ass, and his balls.
--- G2049
Though your dick, the doc had to sever.
Instead of your dong,
Please hon, use your tongue;
It's better to be ate than never."
--- Anon
Said, "The things that can happen to me!
I left my girl shocker
In a bus station locker,
And now I have lost the damn key!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 332
My statue is now severely maimed.
As you can now see
That I cannot pee;
'Cause my penis is gone, they exclaimed.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Sliced off many a cadaverous tail.
Carefully pickling each clyde
In formaldehyde,
He discovered they have little sale.
--- Grand Prix Lim 297 G1519
Oh my Petal, I fear that my spear
Has dropped off in the night
And has rolled out of sight;
Will you help me to search for it, dear?
--- Peter Wilkins
By crawling around on the ground; it
Appears to be fine
And I'm sure that it's mine;
There's a circle of lipstick around it.
--- Peter Wilkins
This member so sad and abject.
We'll sew it back on,
Your little bon-bon,
But I fear it will not resurrect.
--- TuttaGioia
Reassure me it's really my wick;
It appears to be used
And abused for it's bruised
And looks limp and bedraggled and sick!
--- Peter Wilkins
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
--- L0290
Who had to go outside to pee.
As he undid his zipper
He started to whimper --
Because down there, there was nothing to see.
--- Sean Geddes P8407
To his sweetheart: "Be patient, my pet.
I will fondle your breast
And your twat without rest,
But my pecker I left with the Tet."
--- G2062
(All the men in our unit had one);
Not gunmetal-blue,
More a flesh-colored hue,
But 'twas lost during fun with the Hun.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8406
Once pissed up a telephone pole.
The megawatt shock
Just inverted his cock,
Now he's female; So isn't that droll?
--- Anon
But his lack of feminine arts
Will give him away
In less than a day,
'Cause he's good as Hell at those farts.
--- Anon
He should have just pissed on the floor,
Or put on the squeeze.
I guess it proves he's
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
--- Anon
Who had two balls but no penis.
A eunuch he wed
And in bed he said,
"We have a complete set between us."
--- Kivi
Last Tuesday swept up a big tool...
He said, "It looked fine
And far bigger than mine,
But with its owner gone, it was cool."
--- Grand Prix Lim 967
Couldn't tell a light bulb from his penis.
When his old light bulb blew,
And he changed in the new,
He was changed from a Mars to a Venus!
--- Joe Long
Taking care to avoid his green weenie...
But touch it I did
And he blew his lid.
Now mine's disappeared, that big meanie!
--- Marty TP9807
His amourous adventures, they cost him.
One day in a pinch,
He put his in a wench,
And with a gust of wind, he lost them.
--- Anon
Cause the Grim Reaper's scythe can be quick.
With one mighty thump,
He'll leave you a stump,
Then how will you find you a chick?
--- Anon
Departed to visit Hong Kong.
The girls tried to please;
They teased with a squeeze.
It's sad he was there with no dong.
--- Julia Strawn P8709
Who, racing a skittish young filly,
Was thrown in the gorse
And stomped by the horse;
It cost him his 'membrum virile'.
--- Armand E Singer 278
To see statues in the British Museum.
We girls were in fits
'Cause the interesting bits
Of the boys were broke off--you should see 'em!
--- G1990
Observed, "If you'll listen one sec.,
We've found a man's tool
In the small swimming pool,
So would all of you gentlemen check?"
--- Grand Prix Lim 768 G2005
Who could diddle a broad from a block away.
Once while taking a fuck,
Along came a truck,
And knocked both his balls and his cock away.
--- L1162
And her pussy clamped shut on my dick.
I pulled with such force,
It came off, of course.
Now to pee, the scab I must pick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who bought a new record to twist with.
While reading the label,
He tripped over a cable
And knocked off the thing that he pissed with!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Fucked a girl on a player piano.
At the height of their fever,
Her ass hit the lever,
Yes, He has no banana!
--- L1171
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