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There once was a wicked young minister, The sinister minister Miller, "Hymnal's open," the minister quipped, A crumbling Edwardian Manse hid There is an old tart of Dundee, "The wages of fondling young skin," The Buddhist Monk, Lin Sing Hi Koo, Missionary, young Pastor McWhirter, An old missionary named Lee "The mission," said old Father Ike, Determined to eschew suspicion, Self-righteous biased missionary "The T-shirts are here, Reverend Dunne. The preacher's alone, with no mate, Missionaries then preached to Hawaiians When they threatened to hang Father Roth, The preacher said, "You must stop drinking, The flag bearers of both France and Spain, Brother John needs to show some contrition. Brother Brad's unconventional style On top of Mount Everest, Fra Carey, An old missionary named Hagan The preacher could not curb their passion. To Hawaii they came for a spell; A queer missionary named Cavage There was a young monk of Siberia, (Published 1879)
There was a young monk of Siberia, When Chip Monks slip out of the cloister, There was an ANATHEMATIZED monk, There once was a monk from Tibet, Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass Brother Dennis the short, did decree There was a young monk of St. Cyrus A contemplative life is a monk's; Dumb Dan joined the Monks of late. A horny young monk of Citeau, A monk humping a nun from the back, A monk fucking a nun from the front, There was a most maudlin old Monk, He's a monk and a man of compunction; A monk from Tibet named Yutrace I must, though it's somewhat unnerving, (Irving Superior is a prolific limerick writer)
There once was a monk from Podunk, In Kansas there lived a young monk, This monk swore off screwing, except In the abbey, a monk name of Fred A GREGARIOUS monk now rejects There once was a monk of Gibralter, After serious ethical training A monk of St. Benoit du lac There once was a monk from North Cabot, There was a young monk from Dundee, In the far off land of Tibet, He's doomed, damned for sure down to Hades And his tonsured provider of spunk, Said two monks in Bangkok: Let us play, "There are times," sighed a monk, "when you feel you'd A Monk with a bent for bombasting The religious who saved fair Thais Observed an old monk, Brother Giles, They've arrested a monk at St. Mallory's There once was a monk in a cassock, This rhyme was not meant to be smutty, A lonely young monk with a QUIRK, A handsome young monk in a wood, Be kind when you write about monks;
Whose conduct was thought to be sinister.
By ruses nightmarish,
He seduced the whole parish,
Except for one squeamish old spinister.
--- Conrad Aiken
Whose sermons were always a thriller,
Secured your attention.
But, left in suspension --
You would speculate who was the killer.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309
"That's the reason the organist slipped.
So I must tell you, Birch,
That you sat all through church
With the front of your trousers unzipped!"
--- Bob Birch P0302
A crime both repugnant and rancid,
Involving a twat
That was virgin, and what
The Episcopal minister fancied.
--- G2418
Who'll charge an exhorbitant fee
For what, up in Fife,
The young minister's wife
Does for regular church-goers free.
--- Peter Wilkins
Said Jiri, the missioner Finn,
"Is the same for saved brothers
As it is for all others,
So avoid aboriginal sin!"
--- Mark Levy P9701
Went to Haiti his faith to renew.
He would later assert
"I made half a convert
Who now practices reformed Buddhoo."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9701
Sometimes saved souls in a blinding spurt or
He's with reverent pride,
Cleanse the unpurified,
Being a catalytic converter.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9701
Was fucking baboons in a tree.
An explorer named Cy
Who was passing nearby
Hollered, "Throw in a few fucks for me!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1050
"Convert even those you dislike:
Each trollop, each whore,
Raise them up off the floor;
Each fag and each queer and each dike!"
--- Mark Levy P9701
Moreover to escape perdition,
Said the Curate, R. Sopp.
"I espouse, Man-on-top
As both my and my mission's position.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9701
Did trample others' right with nary
A second look
Outside the Good Book,
Considering 'heathen' just quarry.
--- Daniel Ford
Each native now has at least one.
But they have cut holes
The size of soup bowls.
Their tits are exposed from day one."
--- Al Willis P9701
So he said to his native girl, Kate:
"Forget what I said
From the pulpit, instead,
I will choose you to be my bedmate."
--- Al Willis P9701
Of God and His heavenly high ones.
But watching the rude way
Some brazen maids screwed, they
Spent less and less time on the shy ones.
--- David A Brooks
He said, "Please, I'm a man of the cloth."
To the natives he pled,
And then the priest said,
"You won't have to wear a loin cloth."
--- Al Willis P9701
And you'll have to refrain from head-shrinking.
No more sex every day;
Well, Mog, what do you say?"
"Just give me a minute; I'm thinking."
--- Al Willis P9701
Made the native folks scream, "Not again!
We, being unwary,
Welcomed the Missionary,
Who returned guilt, oppression and pain."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9701
He's been practicing native coition.
Such carnal desire
We can scarcely admire,
When he's failing to teach our position.
--- David Finely P9701a
In converting a pagan, nubile,
Is to lay her supine,
Mount her, chanting a line
From the Gospel of Luke all the while.
--- William N Nesbit P9701 a
In charge of Nepal's missionary,
"Conversions are few.
The reasons are two:
The ascent and descent are scary."
--- Irving Superior P9701
Once had an affair with a pagan.
He was forced to declare,
"This unchristian affair
Makes me think that my wife's been renegin'."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1035
He tried to withhold their food ration.
But the natives were human.
They're like us, I'm assumin';
On the beach they have sex while splish-splashin'.
--- Al Willis P9701
The Doles, of the gospel would tell.
Missionaries all should
Ever try to do good,
And in fact they all did very well.
--- David Finely P9701
Attempted to ravage a savage.
But the savage was wily,
He reversed himself slyly,
And the savage old Cavage was ravage.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0993
Who of fucking grew weary and wearier.
At last, with a yell,
He burst from his cell,
And buggered the Father Superior.
--- Norman Douglas
Whose life grew drearier and drearier.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.
--- Anon L0564A
They're after some morsels much moister
Than nuts on the ground.
With bare crotches they've found,
That wonderfully tender pink oyster!
--- TuttaGioia
Who often spilt much of his spunk
Within convent walls,
In lonely nuns' stalls,
Who wept for their ostracized hunk.
--- Chris Papa
Who said to a woman he met,
"You may find this odd,
But I'm One with God,
And He wants me to fondle your set!"
--- Vishnu I
S'eleva et cria en detresse:
"La vie religieuse,
C'est sale et affreuse"
Et se poignarda dans les fesses.
--- Edward Gorey
Stood up and cried in distress;
"The religious life
Is dirty and horrid,"
And stabbed himself in the ass.
--- Edward Gorey P8708
Listing years as B.C. and A.D.
But this Christian most brief
Erred in his belief
For Jesus was born 6 B.C.
--- Sumaq
This is file tnm
Who often had feelings desirous;
He lifted the habit
Of Francis the Abbot,
And caught the most terrible virus.
--- Peter Wilkins
He's alone every night as he bunks.
But consoled by the thought
He's not the least distraught,
By performance-anxiety flunks.
--- Prof M-G
Found he couldn't remain celibate.
He said, "I regret
I can't get sex yet.
I sure they said, 'We celebrate.'."
--- Tom Patton
Used to cool his hot rod in the snow.
But no matter how frigid,
The thing remained rigid,
Popping off when it got two below.
--- G0441
Missed the orifice known as the crack.
He cried out in chagrin
As the Bishop walked in,
"Oh my Lord, won't you cut me some slack?"
--- Al Chaplin P0011
Missed the orifice known as the cunt.
Said the Bishop severe,
"What is going on here?"
"Oh my Lord, please forgive me this stunt"
--- Phil Cannibal P0011
Who was always incessantly drunk;
Each day he would hide a
Full flagon of cider
Or firkin of ale in his bunk.
--- Harold C Bibby
He's a big man and proud of his function.
He loves saying Graces,
Puts wafers in faces,
And gives all the girls extreme unction.
--- Lucy Wainwright
Would bugger at a furious pace.
More on boats and on trains,
He yearned for astral planes
Saying, "Sound just like my kind of place!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Reveal a new fact without swerving:
The monk from Siberia's
Stuck it up three superiors --
First father, then mother, now Irving.
--- Ed Potts P8507
Whose body was that of a hunk.
The nuns all went woozy
When he stepped in the Jacuzzi.
For the monk had forgotten his trunks.
--- Justice
Who often was in a blue funk.
For his come always froze
On his sisters' appendthick hose,
And they never would part with a chunk.
--- L0557
For a pet mallard drake that he kept.
With his ducky, he'd play.
(The duck, it was gay.)
He became a fowl fucking adept.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Every day would take nuns to his bed.
But the nuns did relent
On the advent of Lent,
So he cornholed the bishop instead.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1025
The notion of social defects.
His morals are good
But misunderstood,
'Cause all that he thinks of is sects.
--- Observer
Who buggered a nun on the altar.
"Good God!" said the nun,
"Now look what you've done:
You've gummed up the leaves of the Psalter."
--- G1111
In celibacy and abstaining,
A monk has confessed
That he passed the last test
Not by virtue, but mainly by feigning.
--- Norm Storer P9709
Whose libido was way out of whack.
Once, molesting a nun,
He had scarcely begun,
When he found he'd forgotten the knack.
--- Keith MacMillan 46c
Who suffered reproach from his Abbot.
He thought it was fun
To get dressed as a nun,
But his boss made the monk kick the habit.
--- Irish a
Who hung a nun's cunt on a tree.
He grabbed her fair ass,
And performed a high mass
That even the Pope came to see.
--- L0544
Lives a monk with one major regret;
'Twas a might with Ming Ho
That has haunted him so
With a feeling he'll never forget.
--- Bob Birch P9804
'Cause he found in the last church parade, he's
Been forced to grab it
Inside of his habit,
When spying the thighs of young ladies.
--- Anon
Drained the blood from his head and his trunk,
And when fully erect
He could not genuflect,
Which is really bad news for a monk.
--- Anon
With a hat to conceal my toupee.
While in bars I carouse,
Who can know I took vows?
Now two jailbirds are heard: Let us pray!
--- Prof M-G
Just like to unloosen and be lewd
And wink at a maid.
But that, I'm afraid,
Would be, saints preserve us, but prelude.
--- Isaac Asimov
Had a very thin prick, due to fasting.
But the nuns who he laid
Did not feel betrayed,
Because of its life everlasting.
--- Alex Heydon P0507
Thought she'd be a sensual piece.
He saved her pure soul;
Could not savor her whole.
In dying he sought sweet release.
--- Jim Jambor P9009
About all those feminine wiles,
"In the name of Lord Jesus,
May the devil not seize us,
But thoughts of nude sex gives me smiles."
--- Armand E Singer 715
For molesting the nuns in the gallerys.
"Just doing God's labor
By loving my neighbor --
Nunnilingus is only twelve calories."
--- Martin Wellborn P8309A
Who prayed every night at a hassock;
While beating his ass,
He would say Holy Mass
For the spirit of von Sacher-Massock.
--- Norm Storer
Nor was it meant to be rutty.
A monk who was passive
Had balls that were massive.
The least you could say, "He was nutty."
--- Al Willis TP9802
Labored real hard at his work.
But when he was done,
Enjoyed solo fun;
A pleasure for bachelor jerk.
--- Chris Papa
Told a girl, she should cling to the good.
She obeyed him, and gladly.
He repulsed her, but sadly.
"My dear, you have misunderstood."
--- Anon L0571
They socialize not with the punks,
Nor females instead.
They'd rather be dead
Than have other folks in their bunks.
--- Observer
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