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There's Hammond, and Clinton, and Gates Oh, neighbor, I'm sorry 'bout your bits Some people are early to rise; Though I don't have the smartest of brains; I don't have the luck, can you tell? With lusty largesse, I'm possessed; Man's hunger for food quite out-numbers Dolelful Dowland would utter great moans If you're dull as a napkin, don't sigh; (American Association of Artificial Intelligence)
A disgusting man lives in Japan; The housewives to garden stores go Ben Hogan, John Alden, Tchaikovsky, If I want someone who will care; Fifty million's a nest egg quite weighty; A fine old landowner named Marjoribanks, An entrepreneur stuck with oodles A railroad without any trains? Said a Mensa snob with a sigh: It gives me such pleasure to greet If your thesis is quite indefensible, My existence with conflict is rife He had his few moments of fame The somnambulant people of Bangor, Forgetting your troubles is doable, I do trust as this year goes along The summers in Phoenix, AZ, There sat in the very front row, It's procrastination today, I have a sin -- Procrastination Said a fanciful frump from Toranda Many years have gone by since your truly Said Buford, "I wrote to my Gramp, Viscount Stansgate, or Wedgwood, or Benn, (these could be limeys running for office)
And those who we falsley accuse A great prophet most proud of his brains Setting free something loved is a heartache. There once was an ego immense, A society climber from Crewe, I once knew a national hero, A rather nice holiday treat On taking good advice, think twice. That reminds me of my friend Stan, A harrassed young couple from Yaxham "You know what they always say!" Discovery, they say, can't be taught. Don't think for a minute that I We all live on a place named Earth, An Indian lad said, "I say, An obdurate fellow named Treadwell Said a tripper, "O joy to have found Me, myself, and I A devout wish I feely confide When speaking of facts that affront, A beatnik with face full of hair At the end of an evening quite spacious, I guess now, for all of you merkins, A hog-eyed abortion named Mudd A gardener, living in Barnoldswick
(Barlick) Be happy, be free, and be gay, I'm given to absquatulating. (decamping) There was an old woman named Joan There was a young girl from Portcawl There was a girl, Annabel Lee, There once was a horny commuter When, a big churchyard sale, she did spy, Though I became fretful and worried, She heard not my feeble outcry,
Who exhibit dissimilar traits,
From riches and fame
To utterly lame,
Yet they all are a type that I hates.
--- Anon
But there is no need to have fits.
Without all that stuff,
You're quite good enough
To have tea and toast with us shits.
--- Anon
It must be assumed they are wise;
They are probably healthy
And awfully wealthy,
And they can't seem to open their eyes.
--- Lims Unlimited
To be sure I'm not one who complains.
For some of those who
Have the highest I.Q.
Don't know to come in when it rains.
--- Derry P8311
I play lotto and gamble, as well.
Put coins in the slot,
And end up with naught.
My Indian name's Snowball-In-Hell.
--- Anon
Miser's mindset leaves me unimpressed.
I'll tactfully treat
Almost all guys I meet,
Except the proverbial pest.
--- Esther Koch P030
His hunger for sex or for slumbers.
So psychologists say --
Yet we read every day
That the poor keep increasing in numbers.
--- John E Maywood
Every month, as he begged for new loans.
John required the cash
To replenish his stash
Of fresh Kleenex, Prozac, and scones.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Make your name as a 'deep' sort of guy.
You just have to crib, see,
Any old book by Kripke, (American philosopher)
And publish in AAAI.
--- Henry Kautz
Reporter I never can stand.
This man named Kristof
Makes people pissed-off.
Deport him or I plan to spam.
--- Tomoyuki Tanaka
To purchase a rake and a hoe,
And a bushel of feed
For the lawn, and some seed,
So that husbands have fine lawns to mow.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2596
Domingo, Chagall, Malinovsky,
Paul Sartre, Shostakovich,
Descartes, Maury Povich,
Stephanopolis, Barishnikovsky.
--- Island Singer
To share secrets and lay my soul bare,
I have not long to think,
Before I stop and blink,
In a mirror reflecting my stare.
--- Anon
I could not spend it all if you paid me.
Yet folks who stay thrifty
When the jackpot's at fifty,
Want in, when the jackpot's two eighty.
--- Dr Limerick
Found the summer heat dry paths and park banks;
So about his estate;
To protect his old pate,
He arranged fine plantations and large banks.
--- Anon Punch 1896 (Reed)
Of cans holding tofu and noodles,
Scored a marketing coup
When he labeled them : New!
Yummy Gourmet Delight for Toy Poodles.
--- Cyber Geezer
A highway without any lanes?
I cannot conceive
Or even believe
A Mensan without any brains!
--- Al Willis
"Although my I.Q. is quite high,
When it comes to real wit
I'm just not worth a shit,
And I cannot determine the 'why'."
--- G2504
A new Mensan with accolades sweet;
It does help to explain
That you've got a great brain,
Though you put your shoes on the wrong feet.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8701
Reach for semantics intentional.
Your committee will stammer
Over Montague grammar,
Not admitting it's incomprehensible!
--- Henry Krautz
With crises and in constant strife.
An emotional quirk
Precludes looking for work
But through TV talk shows, I've a life.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9503
When he won that incredible game.
And though few of us met him,
We'll never forget him;
Old Thingymabob Whatisname.
--- Peter Wilkins
Are known for their softness and languor.
They sleep very late;
You can't rouse them at eight,
And never at all into anger.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
And paying your bills is eschewable.
So don't lose your sleep
Because some bleeping creep
Tries to make your life ever un-screwable.
--- Ystap
I'll conclude that I really "belong."
If I don't I won't mind
For again I will find
That as always I'm right, others wrong.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
Will cause me to search frantically
For that blessed spot,
In the parking lot,
Found under the shade of a tree.
--- MKOLBE@GOODNET.COM
A member who kept voting "No";
Asked why he opposed,
He said, he supposed,
"It's the thing I do best, you know."
--- Virginia SchlotzhaurP9902
Or maybe tomorrow, I say.
You people may scoff
At me putting things off,
But I look to the future that way.
--- Tony Burrell
Brings me sorrow beyond explanation.
I made a small pledge
At this year's leading edge,
To repent on my mid-year vacation.
--- Friar T9801
"There's a foible I've kinda got fonda --
When I hear a new name
Of a guy or a dame,
I pernounce it the way that I wanda."
--- J P Slugworthy 60a
Was arrested for being unduly
Concerned about war
And also (they swore)
Resisting arrest too Kung-Fuly.
--- Barrie Collins
While I was gone to summer camp.
But later, I cried
When I learned that he'd died,
'Cause I could have saved on a stamp.
--- Observer
(Three in one to the left-minded men)
Say "Issues are all,
Generalities pall,
But I'm there if you want me - say when."
--- Tim Hopkins
This is file thm
Ignore the few words of abuse.
But if you scratch the sore
Of the dullest old bore,
His reaction is sure to amuse!
--- Anon
Urged all people to cast off their chains.
For if off them they tossed,
They'd regain what they lost
And have nothing to lose but their gains!
--- Neal Wilgus P8205
Holding on would bring only more heartbreak.
If it never comes back
Then you've proven your tack
Was correct for your sanity's sake.
--- Ystap TP9802
I'm sure he's a member of Mense.
But his style is poor.
In fact, he's a boor.
If I told him, he'd sure take offense.
--- Paradox 2
Inquired, "What on earth shall I do?
I, of course, know what's what,
But I fear I have not
The faintest idea of who's who."
--- Anon
Whose I.Q. was real close to zero.
I wish I could be
As famous as he,
And still face myself in the mirro!
--- John Miller's daughter
From one that we all thought effete.
But I think it's agreed,
Sometimes even a Swede
Is not merely Swedish, but sweet...
--- Jim Weaver Collection
There's BETTER and there's BEST advice.
GOOD/BETTER/BEST.
At good don't rest/
BEST/BETTER better traps the mice.
--- Irving Superior P9606
Who is devising a great cunning plan
To take over the world,
And with banner unfurled.
If anyone can, Stan can.
--- Bob Hunt
Find their kids, though they Frettenham, tax 'em.
Till, Home-coming by gad,
Their by now seething dad,
One night takes them upstairs and Waxham.
--- T K Scott
Who are these people anyway?
They always know more,
From dog fleas to whores,
And you hear from them every day.
--- Anon
It's something that many have sought.
When everyone sees
The same thing, if you please,
It's thinking what no one has thought.
--- Al Willis T9801
Am too cheap to buy cards; that's a lie.
Those greeting card folk
Should go up in smoke.
The price that they charge is too high!
--- Al Willis
On which billions have been given birth.
It's still very rough-hewn,
To defilement not immune,
Unless everyone develops self-worth.
--- Waldo Drull
Can you show me the way to Bombay?"
His friend from Trivandrum
Replied, "That I can chum,
For I travel that way every day."
--- Funfax Limericks
Preferred the name SPEEDWELL instead. Well,
His father said, "Son
When you leave on the run,
I hope I can say that you sped well."
--- William K Alsop P9209
Such a glory of sight and of sound!
How our heart-strings were stirred
By the song of a bird,
As we scatter our litter around."
--- Thomas Thorneley
Have often wondered why
If threes a crowd,
Should we three be allowed
To live in the mind of one guy?
--- Allen Robel
Should war or grave danger betide:
Were my back to the wall,
I would want, above all,
A true Englishman by my side.
--- Warrick Elrod
The TV must take the whole brunt.
It's no wonder tubes blow
And the screen fills with snow
After facing the boobs out in front.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2420
Did picket the New York World's Fair.
On his back was a sign
With his thoughts on a line,
It proclaimed that the world was unfair.
--- Albin Chaplin P0212
I wound down with a story salacious.
I mismanaged the plot,
And improved a whole lot,
But my audience seemed very ungracious.
--- Amador
And other strange people who're lurkin',
I'd better declaim
Some notes to explain,
Or you'll not know your keg from your firkin.
--- Anon
Was like a one-eyed rotten spud.
His one chance to clean
His person obscene,
Was to wash himself out in his blood.
--- G2434
It was futile to try,
For the summer was dry
And the one pump he had was hydraulic.
--- Harold C Bibby
For the world brings us new things each day,
From a new baby's cry,
To a sunset red sky,
For the world is our place to play.
--- Anon
Just lately I've been apricating. (not in my unabridged)
Why, that's anoetic, (passive receptive)
But brain cells do need confricating. (rubbing together)
--- Kiss Karen
Who spent every day on the phone.
She would jabber and chat
About this and that,
Starting even before the dial tone.
--- Warrick Elrod
With no conversation at all.
Her smile never ending,
Was so condescending,
It drove all her friends up the wall.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who dived to the bed of the sea.
When a kingfish in green
Cried, "I'll make you my queen!"
She said, "Thanks, but I'd rather be me."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who pursued a pubescent young tutor.
His wife had big feet,
And the girl was real neat,
And, what can I say, she was cuter.
--- Al Willis
My sweetheart went abruptly awry.
With action bizarre,
She sprang from the car,
With a strange deranged look in her eye!
--- Observer
From table to table, she hurried.
With nary a thought
That I was distraught,
Through rummage-sale items she scurried!
--- Observer
While she drained my bank account dry.
With circumstance drastic,
She pulled out the plastic,
And went to the sweet buy and buy!
--- Observer
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