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I played paper-wad basketball, It was in the optimist's vein Our house here was once owned by Rose Last week, I and my hard-working spouse, There was an old miser named Clarence, "Early to bed and to rise, In these three little words I am mired. A man who climbed steeples and towers, A lad who lived right at the top "Phew. It's hot stripping paper; I'm reeling!" I must get my shower fixed. Today The tiniest turn to the right A lame vet was called out by the Gutches, There was a young man from Quebec There was a young lady from Rye, A bubble-gum addict named Joan I've got all this really old crap 'n' Said a wicked old man of Kilkee, A teacher said, "You kids are weird. At flicking a booger I'm best; The dirt from my nails I can flick; An astute gal named Eleanor Mackay While his mother dyed clothes, young McClung, Here's little Jim Nast of Pawtucket I'm spending more time in my car. There once was a fellow named Scraggs, There was a young person in pink, A bad little girl, Tessie Toots, To juggle I want to be able, There once was a young man from Pally A poor British fellow, named Twiggs Alicia was rather boastful; A pottery tutor named Tess There was a young man of Scamander, There was an old person from Queets The housekeeping female goes pale; There once was a tomboy named Gertie, That philatelist was a disgrace; Siobhan tries to trick any Mick in, Poor Jenny, engaged in ablution; There was a bag-lady from Knox. I once had a fully trained moth, On a lawn in a cool summer breeze A boy, treasure hunting, went down "Men!" said the good Captian Pellew, Sex is its own sweet reward. At a fete, a small fellow named Spence, There once was a young lady called Nellie, When oil on rough water is poured, A balmy old fellow from Yost I have never cared much for antiques; The incident at the gazebo You carry a torch just for me? There once was a fellow named Lear There once was a stitcher named Blanche, There once was a stitcher from Bend, There was a cross stitcher with cat, There once was a hubby named Dave. What old widow Agnes crocheted I sit in my wheel-chair crocheting, There was a young student in Amherst, There was a young lady in Amherst, A maiden in Old Santa Fe There was a young lady I knew, Each sampler has letters A to Z, There was a six-footer named Earl, There once was a stitcher named Dyer,
But I could not get my shots to fall.
The room is a sight,
But that is alright --
The maid cleans it up, after all.
--- Marlene Lewis
That he patched up the windmill's old vane.
He was not the least blue,
Though the next gale that blew,
Would show that he'd labored in vain.
--- A N Wilkins P9112
Who made certain that when she arose,
She only saw PINK,
From her stove to her sink;
To her ceiling, walls, carpet and clothes.
--- Anon
Started painting (not staining) the house.
Since her legs are stronger,
I made her work longer,
While I sat and watched Mickey Mouse.
--- Anon
Who Simonized both of his parents.
"The initial expense,"
He remarked, "Is immense,
But I'll save it in wearence and tearence."
--- Ogden Nash
Keeps one healthy, and wise."
But sleeping-in late
Makes me feel great;
I don't listen to what some advise.
--- Gearhart
When I see them I'm far from inspired.
Known to more than a few
They are not, I love you,
Rather they're, Some Assembly Required.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0411
Was chided for wasting his powers
In pointless pursuits.
He said, "Sometimes the fruits
Aren't tasted for hours and hours."
--- Vincent Torre P9406
Of a tower block said, "When lifts stop,
We're stranded up here,
So we drink lots of beer,
Then lie back and listen to pop."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Said Sue, "I too should be a-peeling."
"You're appealing to me,"
Said Fred, "Increasingly...
And your decor - rating's hit the ceiling."
--- Val Burns P0607
I got in; turned it on; and the spray
Was as cold as the sleet,
So I turned up the heat
But it near boiled by bollocks away.
--- Anon
And it sprays me with all of its might;
To the left, just a bit,
It does nothing but spit;
So a shower takes me most of the night.
--- Anon
Whose twins were constructing new hutches.
Those cute little honeys,
While he healed their sick bunnies,
Made doorframes of wood from his crutches.
--- David A Brooks Q
Who wrapped both his legs 'round his neck.
But then he forgot
How to untie the knot,
And now he's an absolute wreck.
--- Anon
Who was sporting a lovely black eye.
I asked, "Was it a boy?"
She just looked very coy,
And simpered and answered, "Don't pry!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Is the messiest person I've known.
For when she draws close,
You'll find that your nose
Is bursting a bubble she's blown.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
I thought I'd drop it in your lap 'n'
Thought that I could
Make it come out good,
But don't think that that's gonna happen.
--- Anon
"With her big toe, my wife stirs her tea.
It's true that I let her,
Though I could do better,
But what if the neighbors should see?"
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
How terribly badly your reared.
You're dirty and messy --
Yes, what is it, Jessie?"
"Please sir, you've got egg on your beard."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Considered the best in the west.
When company comes,
For the sake of my chums,
I save all the best on my vest.
--- South African Lims Coll
To do so will make my wife sick.
From the kitchen I'm shooed,
For if found in her food,
You've read my very last limerick.
--- South African Lims Coll
Observed, "Isn't society wacky?
For brass trimmings, I'm told,
Are much cheaper than gold,
But they don't look nearly as tacky."
--- Graham Lester
In a tantrum the dye bottle flung.
And the room was a mess.
Said his ma, "I confess
I have heard that the good ones dye young."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2697
Who slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing;
Just look at the hole where he struck it.
--- Hugh Lofting
Commuting to work -- it's too far.
Remodeling the house,
I've just got to grouse.
Two more months delay -- about par.
--- Bonnie Lewis
Who kept all his things in black bags.
When people asked why,
He'd admit, with a sigh,
There were certainly all sorts of snags.
--- Michael Palin
Who upset a container of ink.
He got ink on the floor,
And the table and door,
And the cupboard, the chairs, and the sink.
--- Anon
Dropped jelly inside her dad's boots.
He put on the wellies,
And SQUISH went the jellies,
While dad gave a series of hoots.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Like a clown in a circus of fable.
The balls fly up fairly,
Land near my hands barely,
But mostly fall under the table.
--- Anon
Who could shear to a very high tally.
His arms grew so strong,
That before very long,
He could lift up a bull from "The Mallee."
--- Ted Fry
Always slept with a family of pigs.
When he was asked why
He lived in a sty,
Said, "It's not a sty, it's me digs."
--- Tom Patton
A trait she found very postal.
From electronics to clothing,
Her possessions went roving,
From habitats dunal to coastal.
--- South African Lims Coll
Said, "Practice, although you'll make mess.
You pots may all suck,
But do not curse your luck,
For to suck is halfway to suc-cess."
--- Graham Lester
This is file stm
Who had his bed on the veranda,
But he got little sleep
On account of three sheep,
Four turkeys, eight ducks, and a gander.
--- John Blyth
Who slept every night without sheets;
When I asked him, "How come?"
He replied, "I'm a bum,
And there aren't any sheets in the streets."
--- Limber Limericks
At dust on a flat surface quail.
And when I write notes,
Disturbing the motes,
This desk I won't wipe, 'cause I'm male!
--- Anon
Who was always incredibly dirty.
Said her mother one day,
You may go out and play,
But you can't come back in 'til you're thirty!
--- Virginia Arnold P9202a
Penny Blacks stored inside an suitcase!
That's what albums are for:
Keeping covers and more,
All together in just the right place.
--- Rory Ewins Q
With hints of him sticking his dick in;
He don't get a fucking,
He's put to work plucking,
And spends the day pickin' a chicken.
--- Anon
Her tapwater was a solution
Of industrial grime
And microbial slime,
And two hundred new types of pollution.
--- Nick D Kim
Who put her new clothes in a box,
Then wore all the rags
She had stuffed into bags,
With a couple of mittens for socks.
--- Lims Unlimited
Trained, strangely enough, for the cloth.
He did one loop-the-loop
From pulpit to soup.
Garcon, there's a priest in my broth!
--- Kevin Hale Q
Was a sale of unparalleled sleeze.
When he saw all the scratching,
He surmised what was hatching
Was a flea market peddling real fleas
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0109
To the big rubbish dump outside town.
There were bedsteads and cars
And old pickle jars --
And the royal Albert Hall, upside down.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
"After six months at sea, I must tell you,
Do keep in the lee,
If you must approach me,
For 'tis better to see you than smell you!"
--- Juliet
With it, you'll never be bored.
Alone, or with others
Even fathers and mothers
Get off on that old ripcord.
--- Anon
Through misfortune and gross negligence,
Got mixed up with the jumble,
But what made him humble --
He was sold for just twnety-five pence.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who dropped some ice cream on her belly.
It being just a trifle,
Her screams she did stifle,
But both her legs turned to jelly.
--- Funfax Limericks
A measure of calm is restored.
If by man oil is spilt,
We establish his guilt,
Since this action by all is deplored.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2752
Threw chocolate eclairs at a post;
When I said, "What a mess!"
His answer was, "Yes!
Much better than cinnamon toast."
--- Limber Limericks
They either have wormholes or squeaks.
And to clutter the house,
My ubiquitous spouse
Is frequently missing for weeks.
--- Lims Unlimited
Has left my hair brimming with Play-Doh,
My ears full of honey,
My eyes feeling funny;
I feel I've been through a tornado.
--- Paul Hoffman
My goodness, does that mean you'll be
My bright guiding light
On this dark, cold night?
Well, turn the thing on -- I can't see!!
--- Anon
Who swore not to bathe for a year.
And during that time,
Got so covered in grime,
That he's now turned to compost, I fear!
--- Anon
Who died in a chart avalanche
When her entire collection
Fell from the top section
Of storage, and landed on Blanche.
--- Kathleen Dyer Q
Whose romances would frequently end.
For each broken heart,
She'd buy a new chart.
"It works better than chocolate to mend."
--- Nadya Q
And every time that she sat,
The feline would nap,
On the work in her lap;
It's hard to keep stitching like that!
--- Katrina Werpetinski Q
One day to his wife he did rave,
"Projects, floss and a loom;
Cross stitch leaves me no room.
I'll just have to go live in a cave!"
--- D Shaidell Q
Was put on a shelf and displayed,
So beginners could view,
And the knit-pickers too,
What wonders with needles are made.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2529
"Your birthday's this Monday!", Kate's saying;
"Like fine wine, you're mature,
But your smell is, I'm sure,
More like moldy cheese that's decaying."
--- David Miller
Who felt that her studies were cursed.
So she threw down her books,
And picked up her hooks,
In crochet, she has since been immersed.
--- David A Brooks Q
Who had a mysterious thirst.
She noticed the itch,
And started to stitch,
And now her trouble's dispersed.
--- David A Brooks Q
Had learned how to knit and crochet.
Then she learned to embroider,
But the whole bit annoyed her,
And that's when she started to stray.
--- Alsops Foibles
Who wanted to stitch the day through.
So she told off her boss,
Bought needle and floss:
A decision she never did rue.
--- David A Brooks Q
To teach the young stitcher to read.
Making a neat stitch
May not make her rich,
But to a rich husband could lead.
--- David A Brooks Q
Who's a whizz at the plain and the purl.
He could make needles fly,
Which was strange for a guy,
But his wife is a home loving girl!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who decided a maid she must hire.
She said, "I'm sick of this dirt,
And won't iron this shirt,
But of stitching I never will tire!"
--- DJP Q
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