I played paper-wad basketball,
But I could not get my shots to fall.
The room is a sight,
But that is alright --
The maid cleans it up, after all.
--- Marlene Lewis

It was in the optimist's vein
That he patched up the windmill's old vane.
He was not the least blue,
Though the next gale that blew,
Would show that he'd labored in vain.
--- A N Wilkins P9112

Our house here was once owned by Rose
Who made certain that when she arose,
She only saw PINK,
From her stove to her sink;
To her ceiling, walls, carpet and clothes.
--- Anon

Last week, I and my hard-working spouse,
Started painting (not staining) the house.
Since her legs are stronger,
I made her work longer,
While I sat and watched Mickey Mouse.
--- Anon

There was an old miser named Clarence,
Who Simonized both of his parents.
"The initial expense,"
He remarked, "Is immense,
But I'll save it in wearence and tearence."
--- Ogden Nash

"Early to bed and to rise,
Keeps one healthy, and wise."
But sleeping-in late
Makes me feel great;
I don't listen to what some advise.
--- Gearhart

In these three little words I am mired.
When I see them I'm far from inspired.
Known to more than a few
They are not, I love you,
Rather they're, Some Assembly Required.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0411

A man who climbed steeples and towers,
Was chided for wasting his powers
In pointless pursuits.
He said, "Sometimes the fruits
Aren't tasted for hours and hours."
--- Vincent Torre P9406

A lad who lived right at the top
Of a tower block said, "When lifts stop,
We're stranded up here,
So we drink lots of beer,
Then lie back and listen to pop."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

"Phew. It's hot stripping paper; I'm reeling!"
Said Sue, "I too should be a-peeling."
"You're appealing to me,"
Said Fred, "Increasingly...
And your decor - rating's hit the ceiling."
--- Val Burns P0607

I must get my shower fixed. Today
I got in; turned it on; and the spray
Was as cold as the sleet,
So I turned up the heat
But it near boiled by bollocks away.
--- Anon

The tiniest turn to the right
And it sprays me with all of its might;
To the left, just a bit,
It does nothing but spit;
So a shower takes me most of the night.
--- Anon

A lame vet was called out by the Gutches,
Whose twins were constructing new hutches.
Those cute little honeys,
While he healed their sick bunnies,
Made doorframes of wood from his crutches.
--- David A Brooks Q

There was a young man from Quebec
Who wrapped both his legs 'round his neck.
But then he forgot
How to untie the knot,
And now he's an absolute wreck.
--- Anon

There was a young lady from Rye,
Who was sporting a lovely black eye.
I asked, "Was it a boy?"
She just looked very coy,
And simpered and answered, "Don't pry!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A bubble-gum addict named Joan
Is the messiest person I've known.
For when she draws close,
You'll find that your nose
Is bursting a bubble she's blown.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

I've got all this really old crap 'n'
I thought I'd drop it in your lap 'n'
Thought that I could
Make it come out good,
But don't think that that's gonna happen.
--- Anon

Said a wicked old man of Kilkee,
"With her big toe, my wife stirs her tea.
It's true that I let her,
Though I could do better,
But what if the neighbors should see?"
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

A teacher said, "You kids are weird.
How terribly badly your reared.
You're dirty and messy --
Yes, what is it, Jessie?"
"Please sir, you've got egg on your beard."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

At flicking a booger I'm best;
Considered the best in the west.
When company comes,
For the sake of my chums,
I save all the best on my vest.
--- South African Lims Coll

The dirt from my nails I can flick;
To do so will make my wife sick.
From the kitchen I'm shooed,
For if found in her food,
You've read my very last limerick.
--- South African Lims Coll

An astute gal named Eleanor Mackay
Observed, "Isn't society wacky?
For brass trimmings, I'm told,
Are much cheaper than gold,
But they don't look nearly as tacky."
--- Graham Lester

While his mother dyed clothes, young McClung,
In a tantrum the dye bottle flung.
And the room was a mess.
Said his ma, "I confess
I have heard that the good ones dye young."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2697

Here's little Jim Nast of Pawtucket
Who slid down the stairs in a bucket.
He has more understanding
Since reaching the landing;
Just look at the hole where he struck it.
--- Hugh Lofting

I'm spending more time in my car.
Commuting to work -- it's too far.
Remodeling the house,
I've just got to grouse.
Two more months delay -- about par.
--- Bonnie Lewis

There once was a fellow named Scraggs,
Who kept all his things in black bags.
When people asked why,
He'd admit, with a sigh,
There were certainly all sorts of snags.
--- Michael Palin

There was a young person in pink,
Who upset a container of ink.
He got ink on the floor,
And the table and door,
And the cupboard, the chairs, and the sink.
--- Anon

A bad little girl, Tessie Toots,
Dropped jelly inside her dad's boots.
He put on the wellies,
And SQUISH went the jellies,
While dad gave a series of hoots.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

To juggle I want to be able,
Like a clown in a circus of fable.
The balls fly up fairly,
Land near my hands barely,
But mostly fall under the table.
--- Anon

There once was a young man from Pally
Who could shear to a very high tally.
His arms grew so strong,
That before very long,
He could lift up a bull from "The Mallee."
--- Ted Fry

A poor British fellow, named Twiggs
Always slept with a family of pigs.
When he was asked why
He lived in a sty,
Said, "It's not a sty, it's me digs."
--- Tom Patton

Alicia was rather boastful;
A trait she found very postal.
From electronics to clothing,
Her possessions went roving,
From habitats dunal to coastal.
--- South African Lims Coll

A pottery tutor named Tess
Said, "Practice, although you'll make mess.
You pots may all suck,
But do not curse your luck,
For to suck is halfway to suc-cess."
--- Graham Lester

This is file stm

There was a young man of Scamander,
Who had his bed on the veranda,
But he got little sleep
On account of three sheep,
Four turkeys, eight ducks, and a gander.
--- John Blyth

There was an old person from Queets
Who slept every night without sheets;
When I asked him, "How come?"
He replied, "I'm a bum,
And there aren't any sheets in the streets."
--- Limber Limericks

The housekeeping female goes pale;
At dust on a flat surface quail.
And when I write notes,
Disturbing the motes,
This desk I won't wipe, 'cause I'm male!
--- Anon

There once was a tomboy named Gertie,
Who was always incredibly dirty.
Said her mother one day,
You may go out and play,
But you can't come back in 'til you're thirty!
--- Virginia Arnold P9202a

That philatelist was a disgrace;
Penny Blacks stored inside an suitcase!
That's what albums are for:
Keeping covers and more,
All together in just the right place.
--- Rory Ewins Q

Siobhan tries to trick any Mick in,
With hints of him sticking his dick in;
He don't get a fucking,
He's put to work plucking,
And spends the day pickin' a chicken.
--- Anon

Poor Jenny, engaged in ablution;
Her tapwater was a solution
Of industrial grime
And microbial slime,
And two hundred new types of pollution.
--- Nick D Kim

There was a bag-lady from Knox.
Who put her new clothes in a box,
Then wore all the rags
She had stuffed into bags,
With a couple of mittens for socks.
--- Lims Unlimited

I once had a fully trained moth,
Trained, strangely enough, for the cloth.
He did one loop-the-loop
From pulpit to soup.
Garcon, there's a priest in my broth!
--- Kevin Hale Q

On a lawn in a cool summer breeze
Was a sale of unparalleled sleeze.
When he saw all the scratching,
He surmised what was hatching
Was a flea market peddling real fleas
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0109

A boy, treasure hunting, went down
To the big rubbish dump outside town.
There were bedsteads and cars
And old pickle jars --
And the royal Albert Hall, upside down.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

"Men!" said the good Captian Pellew,
"After six months at sea, I must tell you,
Do keep in the lee,
If you must approach me,
For 'tis better to see you than smell you!"
--- Juliet

Sex is its own sweet reward.
With it, you'll never be bored.
Alone, or with others
Even fathers and mothers
Get off on that old ripcord.
--- Anon

At a fete, a small fellow named Spence,
Through misfortune and gross negligence,
Got mixed up with the jumble,
But what made him humble --
He was sold for just twnety-five pence.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There once was a young lady called Nellie,
Who dropped some ice cream on her belly.
It being just a trifle,
Her screams she did stifle,
But both her legs turned to jelly.
--- Funfax Limericks

When oil on rough water is poured,
A measure of calm is restored.
If by man oil is spilt,
We establish his guilt,
Since this action by all is deplored.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2752

A balmy old fellow from Yost
Threw chocolate eclairs at a post;
When I said, "What a mess!"
His answer was, "Yes!
Much better than cinnamon toast."
--- Limber Limericks

I have never cared much for antiques;
They either have wormholes or squeaks.
And to clutter the house,
My ubiquitous spouse
Is frequently missing for weeks.
--- Lims Unlimited

The incident at the gazebo
Has left my hair brimming with Play-Doh,
My ears full of honey,
My eyes feeling funny;
I feel I've been through a tornado.
--- Paul Hoffman

You carry a torch just for me?
My goodness, does that mean you'll be
My bright guiding light
On this dark, cold night?
Well, turn the thing on -- I can't see!!
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Lear
Who swore not to bathe for a year.
And during that time,
Got so covered in grime,
That he's now turned to compost, I fear!
--- Anon

There once was a stitcher named Blanche,
Who died in a chart avalanche
When her entire collection
Fell from the top section
Of storage, and landed on Blanche.
--- Kathleen Dyer Q

There once was a stitcher from Bend,
Whose romances would frequently end.
For each broken heart,
She'd buy a new chart.
"It works better than chocolate to mend."
--- Nadya Q

There was a cross stitcher with cat,
And every time that she sat,
The feline would nap,
On the work in her lap;
It's hard to keep stitching like that!
--- Katrina Werpetinski Q

There once was a hubby named Dave.
One day to his wife he did rave,
"Projects, floss and a loom;
Cross stitch leaves me no room.
I'll just have to go live in a cave!"
--- D Shaidell Q

What old widow Agnes crocheted
Was put on a shelf and displayed,
So beginners could view,
And the knit-pickers too,
What wonders with needles are made.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2529

I sit in my wheel-chair crocheting,
"Your birthday's this Monday!", Kate's saying;
"Like fine wine, you're mature,
But your smell is, I'm sure,
More like moldy cheese that's decaying."
--- David Miller

There was a young student in Amherst,
Who felt that her studies were cursed.
So she threw down her books,
And picked up her hooks,
In crochet, she has since been immersed.
--- David A Brooks Q

There was a young lady in Amherst,
Who had a mysterious thirst.
She noticed the itch,
And started to stitch,
And now her trouble's dispersed.
--- David A Brooks Q

A maiden in Old Santa Fe
Had learned how to knit and crochet.
Then she learned to embroider,
But the whole bit annoyed her,
And that's when she started to stray.
--- Alsops Foibles

There was a young lady I knew,
Who wanted to stitch the day through.
So she told off her boss,
Bought needle and floss:
A decision she never did rue.
--- David A Brooks Q

Each sampler has letters A to Z,
To teach the young stitcher to read.
Making a neat stitch
May not make her rich,
But to a rich husband could lead.
--- David A Brooks Q

There was a six-footer named Earl,
Who's a whizz at the plain and the purl.
He could make needles fly,
Which was strange for a guy,
But his wife is a home loving girl!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There once was a stitcher named Dyer,
Who decided a maid she must hire.
She said, "I'm sick of this dirt,
And won't iron this shirt,
But of stitching I never will tire!"
--- DJP Q