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A girl makes, like Japanese experts, A lady who lives in Great Gitting My sewing group's very close-knit. There was a young lady of Dover There was a young lady of Dover I really need three hands to knit; I knit across, knit one then purl two, On a chair near a window I'm sitting; My hands need a new occupation, You ladies who know how to knit; So all things considered I'll not There was a stitcher who liked linen. There once was a stitcher named Faye, You should all see the look on his face, Macrame is a fun thing to do, I think origami instead, My fingers need something to do Said my wife, while completing a stitch, A magnet inside of a cow Her sofa on needles would chow, There once was a stitcher named Pete. There was a young girl from Capri Not intentionally, as a rule, There once was a stitcher of note There was a young maiden of Chard, Crochet--(I spell it "crotch," though.) There once were four gals on the net, There was an old seamstress named Fran Been running with scissors today, There was a poor seamstress so meek, There's a fabric spelled A-I-D-A, I went to a meeting for AA, There was a young lady from Rochester. There once was a stitcher with chills, There was a young lady in school, There once was a cowboy named Hoss, There once was a stitcher from Ott, There was a preteen out in Troy; There was a cross stitcher named Phil, A very fat lady named Gitting There once was a tailor named Fred, There once was a stitcher named Ross You standing in front of the class, There was a young lady named Krista; For our leader, an old engineer, A hard working forester named Howe An eccentric old fellow named Fustam If I had a girl named Delores I can't think of a thing which I've done For a carousel ride went dumb Lizzy, Let me help with that heavy load, It's thanks to the work that I'm doing No matter, it's hardly a crime; Each year which ends something-and-one Your age? Well, it's near twenty-two. Religion? Not likely old son, So how many rooms in your gaff? Some personal details; your chest Well, thank you. Now please will you sign. (dotted line)
I know of a bell-boy called Robbie A nervous young lady named Hughes Betrayal's his favorite tack, Said a wise man in Afghanistan: You're right, that's one helluva blunder; The yippies right now are the kids An Eskimo girl we will call Brigitte
Thick seafood based clothes till her head hurts.
When asked how the sewing
Of raw fish was going,
She said she sells shrimp sushi sweatshirts.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Is obsessed with her hobby of knitting.
She's producing a scarf
Of four yards and a 'arf.
And so far shows no sign of quitting.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
They accept me though I'm a misfit.
We embroider all day,
While the puns I do say.
People think I'm a fool -- a knit-wit.
--- Kirk Miller
Who decided to knit a pullover.
But, would you believe,
She knitted four sleeves,
So now it will only fit Rover.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who decided to knit a pullover.
But, as she discovers,
She had knit four wheel covers,
So now it will fit her Land Rover.
--- Arthur Deex P0503
That means I must use my armpit.
One needle clamped there,
I rock in my chair.
When my armpit get sore then I quit.
--- Marlene Lewis
Yarn over, do I pass that one through?
I'm knitting a thong
But I've counted wrong,
It's gigantic!...but still might fit Hugh.
--- DavId Miller Q
Outside there is rain unremitting.
I'm picking my nose;
Idly scratching my hose;
Thinking, oddly enough, about knitting.
--- Peter Wilkins
But knitting requires concentration.
I know that I'd purl
One then drop one and hurl
The whole mess to the floor in frustration.
--- Peter Wilkins
Don't you care 'bout the noise you emit
From the needles your packing?
I can't stand the clacking
The sound gets to me as I sit.
--- Peter Wilkins
Take up knitting; I'll stay in this spot,
And I'll switch on the sports
Channel, empty my thoughts,
Have a yawn, scratch my balls, smoke some pot.
--- Peter Wilkins
There wasn't a store she'd not been in.
She filled up her car
With thing from near and far,
So there wasn't room to put her kin in.
--- Donald Laird Q
Whose new linen did cause her to say,
"Aida's stiffer than this,
Linen's absolute bliss!"
And she threw all her Aida away.
--- Joxley Q
As he walks at a gingerly pace,
To avoid all the wincing.
My sweetheart goes mincing
Because of the needle misplaced.
--- P Carrol Q
With those bits of old lace from my shoe;
Yes, I'd like it, and lots,
If it wern't for those knots,
Which are turning my fingers quite blue.
--- Peter Wilkins
Might be better than knitting this thread.
But I can find no paper
To fold for this caper;
Not even the tiniest shred.
--- Peter Wilkins
And I'd ask for suggestions from you.
But I doubt they'd be clean ones;
More likely obscene ones...
No wait, I'll go telephone Sue.
--- Peter Wilkins
"I think that I've just hit a hitch.
I have to confess
That it's stitched to my dress.
I'll have to unpick -- what a bitch!"
--- Steve Q
Someone figured -- don't ask me how --
Would be just the thing
To make sharp things cling,
So that Bossy need never say, "Ow!"
--- Sarah Newberry Q
So a magnet meant for her brown cow,
A stitcher held near
The sofa. "Oh, dear,"
As the needles came flying. "Yee-ow!!"
--- Kathleen Dyer Q
On the 'net, many friends he did meet.
But this took time away
From his stitching each day,
So he stitched while he typed with his feet.
--- David A Brooks Q
Who cross stitched a cloth for her tea.
When covered in ham,
Egg sandwich and jam,
Her errors were quite hard to see.
--- Melinda Coss Q
Handicrafters' aggression I fuel,
When I say as a pun
In the spirit of fun,
"Your embroidery style is most crewel."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
Whose floss fell off of her boat.
It went into the Bay.
"Oh! My Anchor's away!
But, leastwise, this Anchor can float."
--- David A Brooks Q
Who knitted lambs' wool by the yard.
When she kept dropping stiches,
She said, "Bah! these breeches
Will have gaps in unless I try hard."
--- Cyril Bibby P9307
I'm hooked, though my talent's sew-sew.
And needles to say,
I to knitting say nay,
While my cross-stitching's too cross to know.
Who went shopping the day that they met.
They found a new store,
With cross stitch galore,
And now they're all deeply in debt.
--- Katrina Werpetinski Q
Who screamed as her sewing began.
She was pricked by the bobbin
And she said, 'midst her sobbin',
"I would rather be pricked by a man!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2064
And I ain't been nice when I play
With those other guys.
But, take my advice --
Be careful when you get risque.
--- Anon
That oratorical skills she did seek.
But the tuiton fee
Was as high as could be.
He had to keep working, sew to speak.
--- Carole J. Heffley
That none of us know how to say.
So we asked our sales clerk,
'Bout this verbal quirk,
She said, "Buy linen, throw that shit away!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To stand up and ask them to say
If there's any hope,
For my kind of dope,
Who wants to stitch both night and day?
--- P Carrol
Who left school for just a semester,
She stiched all day,
And she liked it that way,
Away from the course work that stressed her.
--- K Werpetinski
This is file ssm
Who thought needlework cured her ills.
Her shakes made it crooked,
And viewers mistook it
For work by one stewed to the gills.
--- Anon
Who did cross-stitch, embroidery, and crewel.
Knit and crochet
Could fill up a day,
But none will be finished by Yule.
--- Anon
Who had quite a penchant for floss.
Other cowboys would snigger,
As his projects grew bigger.
It's a good thing that Hoss was the boss.
--- Anon
Who always was deeply in thought.
His needles and thread
Were all in his head;
He did it all perfectly -- NOT!
--- Anon
Needle-work was what brought her joy.
'Til she reached that age,
When the hormones rage,
Now her hobby is chasing a boy.
--- K Werpetinski A
Who was an expert surgeon until,
He sutured with floss,
Chagrining his boss.
Now he's jobless, but cross stitching still.
--- Katrina Werpetinski Q
Was told she did far too much sitting.
She agreed she was stout,
But she could not get out.
She was all tangled up in her knitting.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who always got knots in his thread.
Said the frustrated tailor,
"I should be a sailor...
The knots they tie get them ahead."
--- Frances Huisman
Who loved fibers and fabrics and floss.
They filled up his house,
Left no room for his spouse,
Which made his wife cranky and cross.
--- Kathleen M Dyer
Telling of the time you made an ass
Of yourself for all,
When you find you stall,
Cause you're doing it once more, alas.
--- Anon
She lived in the great town of Vista.
Spent a day at the beach,
Where she looked like a peach,
But now whe is one great big blistah.
--- Helen M Puckett P9208
A lever installed in his ear.
Its purpose was plain --
For engaging the brain
Before putting the mouth into gear.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2559
Impressed his boss who said, "Take a bow."
He would rake every twig
Be it small or be big;
He's the new branch manager now.
--- Tom Patton P0301
Had a noisy, and very odd custom.
All day and all night,
'Twas his greatest delight
To blow up balloons and then bust 'em!
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Conchita Breganza De Flores,
Juanita De Paco,
Jesus Con Taco,
I might take to calling her Boris!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
To make everyone under the sun
Think they have permission
And deem it their mission
To annoy me by calling me "Hon."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0103
And its speed sent her into a tizzy.
The centrifugal force
Hurled poor Liz from her horse
And into a ditch that was busy.
--- Bob Giandomenico
Down this narrow and rocky road.
I'm just an old hag,
But I brought a bag,
In case your ego doth explode.
--- Anon
I've barely a second for viewing
Your limerick verses,
And worse is (oh curses),
I can't even think about screwing.
--- Anon
Unlike this here nonsensical rhyme,
Which I've plucked from my brain,
Lest it drive me insane,
About up-coming form-filling time.
--- Anon
There's a census which has to be done;
There's a form to be filled
(It's the law) and I'm thrilled,
For this year I intend to have fun.
--- Anon
Your abode? Between Colchester Zoo
And the hospital quarters
For nurses. (We thought as
Much.) Sex? I don't mind if I do.
--- Anon
'Less you mean do I screw the odd nun.
Well OK then, your birth
Place? A long way from Perth.
Is that it? No, we've hardly begun.
--- Anon
84 and 13 for the staff.
Are you sure? Yes I'm sure;
I have bedrooms galore.
Do you keep any pets? A giraffe.
--- Anon
Size? Er...1 metre 10 without vest.
Are you handsome? Of course.
Are you hung like a horse?
No. A mouse? No. A donkey? You guessed.
--- Anon
No. This census is law; There's a fine
For refusing. Now please.
No. We'll knee-cap your knees.
Well OK, then. On this - - - - - - - - - - ?
--- Anon
Who has a disgusting hobby.
Some think he's nuts
'Cause he saves all the butts
That he finds on the floor of the lobby.
--- Anon
Never knew quite what to choose.
The harder she'd try,
The less she knew why,
Or whether, and if so, then whose?
--- Michael Palin
And he writes out of spite. Mind your back!
If you value your life,
Watch his mouth and his knife;
He's a backstabbing, backbiting hack!
--- Rory Ewins
"If I ran and I ran and I ran,
As the world's but a ball,
In no time at all
I should be right back where I began.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
That kind of a slip makes me wonder
If I wouldn't do better
To stick to a letter,
As slowly my brain falls asunder.
--- Anon
Which have their corrugated ids.
They shun both the bath
And the work and the math,
And flip both their lips and their lids.
--- Lims Unlimited
Found a hole in the ice that was frigid.
She stuck in her thumb
Until it was numb.
Brigitte's frigid digit froze rigid.
--- William K Alsop Jr
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