He was rated rather obtuse
With little of savvy or clues,
Till he traded a block
Of his Petro-Can stock
For a 'Fun in Siberia' cruise.
--- VOL 6

There once was a man of Eastwick,
Who was known to be prone to give kicks.
But he was cured of that
When he kicked a top hat,
Under which was concealed a large brick.
--- Rudolf Ammann

There once was a fellow called West
Who found it quite hard to get dressed.
He used to quite dread
Putting socks on his head
And getting both legs through his vest.
--- Michael Palin

All your leanings mean nothing to me.
I'm an anti-intellectual, see?
All your theater and art;
Think you;re so bloody smart!
Well, hard knocks sure can beat a degree!
--- Robert Elliot

A typist who hailed from Duluth
Was canned for her language uncouth.
But she called her boss Clyde,
A cocksucker who lied,
For the shit that he told was untruth.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2029

In the rain I once saw a man
Strolling with umbrella in hand.
I said "It's insane
To walk in the rain."
He said, "Well then I'll just stand."
--- Ryan Michelle

Luigi, who came from the Med,
Would stand all day long on his head.
Though his face would turn blue,
An upside-down view
Was what he preferred, so he said.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There once was a fellow called Tebbit,
Who had this unusual hebit,
He'd jump on his bike,
Then juggle with pike,
And play Hearts of Oak on a rebbit.
--- Kevin Hale Q

There once was a fellow called Biffin,
Who liked a bit 'round about tiffin,
He'd have crumpet with cheese,
Then fall to his knees,
And play Hearts of Oak on a griffin.
--- Kevin Hale Q

You must concentrate to get it done
Persevere after start with step one
There'll be no peace of mind
Till it's finished, you'll find
Your skill increases as your race is won.
--- Esther Koch P0201

Said a canny young Scotsman named Mac,
"I like to hop 'round in a sack.
It's the way that I chose
To save on my shoes,
Though it's harder to get there and back."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A most famous psychic called Pye
Went to visit a colleague close by.
He said with a smile
"Come stay here a while.
You're very well -- How am I?"
--- Stacy Bennman

If you sign your full name with an 'X',
It makes no difference as to your sex.
If you can't write your name,
Don't feel full of shame;
You won't need any special effects.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

"This orange I'll juggle." (Stay calm.)
"And these clubs." (Juggle, juggle, no qualm.)
"Now this chainsaw I'll chuck
In the air...Shit! Oh fuck!
(Juggles chainsaw, clubs, orange and an arm.)
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was an old man from Sayre
Who looked his way up in the air,
And so then did ten
So-called Sagacious men,
But there was not anything there.
--- Lims Unlimited

"Oh come in my dears," cooed the host.
"You're only four hours late, at most.
I started without you --
Forget all about you.
Do you fancy the crusts from my toast?"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

So beat was a fellow named Jake
That his bones and his muscles did ache.
He was almost half dead
As he crawled into bed,
Then he lay there, completely awake.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2631

A very light sleeper named Lowndes
Would wake at the slightest of sounds,
Like a fish thinking hard,
Or the rusting of lard,
Or moles far beneath football grounds.
--- Michael Palin

There was an old man of Ghent,
Who decided to live in a tent.
But when it started snowing
Said, "I think I'll be going."
He not only thought it, he went!
--- Spike Mulligan

A bibliographical feller
Determined to be a bookseller.
When his show stall he tends,
He sells less than he spends.
But his wife won't know -- he won't tell her.
--- Dick Fredeman

There was a young fellow named Browder,
Who puffed out his chest and was prouder.
In his mind he was right
For he won every fight,
And he won for his reasons were louder.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2476

There was a young lady of Yore
Whose feet were exceedingly sore.
She decided to sit
And rest for a bit;
Missed the chair and went plunk on the floor.
--- Helen Dowd

These days, if you travel by train,
You will hear without any strain,
The warbling tones
Of those damned mobile phones,
Which some people find quite a pain.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I'd just make one modification,
Which would be to add amplification,
To those dear little speakers,
So eavesdropping peekers,
Could hear the whole conversation.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Some people have sure lost their way,
Spewing venom and hatred each day.
Far South or Far North,
They love to hold forth,
Gratuitous nasty to spray.
--- Dennis M Hammes

Amnesiac? Me? Utter rot!
You may think I am, but I'm not.
Why, I even remember
Way back in September!
(What joke went in her? I forgot.)
--- David Morin

I've discovered mentation's a strain.
And then too, I've been urged to refrain,
By those I count to be
In high authority.
So from thinking I strongly abstain.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9708

People these days from Aadams to Zook
Don't take pride in those things folks once took.
With resistance they balk
At decorum in talk,
And so few give a damn how they look.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0501

A man who was lost asked McNear,
"Tell me how do I get to Lapeer?"
But McNear scratched his head
And in puzzlement said,
"There is no way to get there from here."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2699

There's a young man who lives in Belsize,
Who believes he is clever and wise.
Now, what do you think?
He saves gallons of ink
By simply not dotting his i's.
--- Anon

There once was a dumb man named Jed;
By accident he lost his head.
Friends propped up his arms,
Put him on their farm,
And now he's a scarecrow instead.
--- Andrew Collins

Sixty two million dollars, no cents,
For a building design that prevents
Nuclear waste spreading 'round,
But the structure's unsound,
So they're storing the waste in some tents.
--- Anon

There was a young person named Pete
Who stood on his hands in the street.
Then he said, "Ain't it queer --
If I mean to stay here,
I will have to shake hands with my feet."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

This is file srm

I once knew a young man named Ted;
Each morning he'd spring out of bed
To welcome the dawn;
But now he is gone.
He sprang out the window instead.
--- Supayne

Poor octogenerian Barrel,
At Niagara with his bride, Carol;
The love-struck old geezer,
In order to please her,
Plunged over the falls in a barrel.
--- Virginia Wilson

We scream at inanimate objects,
Like when our computers eat projects.
And the TV screen
When our team gets reamed
And blasted by screaming neurotics.
--- Gearhart

They say what you sow, you will reap.
So I planted some dollars way deep.
I have had no luck;
Have not grown a buck --
Do you think that old George is asleep?
--- Marlene Lewis

The psychic friends are so handy.
I asked them for advice about Mandy.
They replied "Yes do go
With her in the UFO,
Just don't tell the Amazing Randi.

(Amazing Randi, magician and skeptic = James Randi)
--- James Randi

A man who was asked out to dinner,
Came home looking hungry and thinner.
He said, "Don't look baffled,
The dinner was raffled,
And somebody else was the winner."
--- Spike Mulligan

A little old woman named Yost
Was honored for running the most:
She ran back and forth
From The South to The North,
While reading The Times and The Post.
--- Limber Limericks

Our poor RanDog's grand misillusions
Have led me to form some conlusions,
He's got that condition
They call malnutrituion,
Affecting his frontal protrusions
--- Anon

There was a young fellow from Erie,
Whose raving made everyone weary.
He did rant and did shout,
No one knows what about.
To be sure, he was nobody's dearie.
--- Albin Chaplin

A daring performer name Pete,
Would hang from a bridge by his feet.
But the rope broke one day,
And some heard him say:
"That's one trick I'll sure not repeat."
--- Bob Birch P0206

When she felt a good joke coming on,
She'd shout, "Get the rubber sheet, John!"
But when it was found
Amd laid out on the ground,
Whatever was funny had gone.
--- Michael Palin

A stupid young nitwit of Eire,
Would sit at his ease on a fire.
When told he was hot,
He would say he was not,
And heatedly call you a liar.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

There was a young fellow from Troon
Who sat down one day on a spoon.
He said "That's so nice,
But I won't do it twice,
And never again is too soon."
--- Kevin Hale Q

The sound of the gramophone wailed,
The crank on the motorcar failed
The tinsmith resisted
The butcher insisted,
The telegram never was mailed.
--- Cap'n Bean

The clocks have gone forward again;
It's a regular summer-time pain.
Been winding my watches
Through several notches,
And now I'm adjusting my brain.
--- Peter Wilkins

This week end will be so much fun,
When to my old sundial I'll run;
'Twill be hard to set it,
'Cause forecasters said it
Will rain and there's no hope of sun.
--- Travis Brasell

Now Mister, I'll soon put you right;
Go, fit up your dial with a light,
Then come cloud or rain,
You'll see it quite plain,
And also can read it at night.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Superb! You are such a wise bloke!
I tied a spotlight to an oak.
It shined on the dial,
I watched for awhile;
The shadow won't move -- sundial's broke!
--- Travis Brasell

With his thoughts on all sorts of abuse,
Patrick asked the good folk of Dunluce,
If he brought his shillelagh
Along to their ceilidh, (party with singing, dancing)
Would it get, did they think, any use?
--- Kate Gray

Three funny young men on a train
Kept singing the same old refrain:
"While the summer is up,
Let us sing, drink, and sup,
And when winter is over: Again!"
--- Sumaq

Once again, it is time to be heeding
The long-winded annual meeting.
When proceedings get stuck,
The effects of pot-luck
Might find some of us to be sleeping.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a woman from Brandles
Who could not extinguish her candles.
She blew till she belched,
But they wouldn't be squelched.
So she bashed the damn things with her sandals.
--- P9911

The trouble with smoking in bed,
Is you find you've set fire to your head.
You go bald as a coot
And you're covered with soot.
"You're a prat!", the fire officer said.
--- Bill Wall

When I'm lonely and I'm feeling blue,
To remove this unwholesome hue,
I will stand on my head.
People think I am mad,
But try it! It might well work for you!
--- Anon

There was a young man who said "Thus,
There is no one more foolish than us.
When we think we may score
In the lottery draw,
We'd more likely be hit by a bus."
--- Richard Long

There was an old man of Bombay,
Who stood on his head all the day;
In the main thoroughfare
With his legs in the air,
Soliciting alms by the way.
--- Archie

There was an old man of Montrose
Who stood on the end of his nose.
He said, "It seems strange,
But it makes a nice change,
And it's healthy--as far as it goes."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

A lady musician called Hamp
Was prone to quite severe cramp.
One day at the harp,
She got stuck in F-sharp,
And was freed by acetylene lamp.
--- Michael Palin

The girl in the bank looked at me,
Smiled and said, "Have you any I.D.?"
So a mirror I took,
Gave a very long look,
And said, "Yes, I am sure that is me."
--- Tiddy Ogg

There once was a fellow named Rich
An ornery son of a bitch;
He once got so mad
At his mom and his dad
That he threw them both into a ditch.
--- Anon

Why we have tides in the seas,
Is a concept I cannot seize.
Some are high and some low,
Some are fast and some slow.
Is this because the moon is cheese?
--- William K Alsop Jr

This time change caused me consternation.
I hate it without reservation.
To hickory dock
And dick with the clock
Invites chronic sleep deprivation.
--- Denim

At night time, I'm tossing and turning.
At day time I'm sleepy-time yearning.
Why can't we just stay
With one kind of day?
Both ends of my candle are burning.
--- Denim

How awkward when playing with glue
To suddenly find out that you
Have stuck nice and tight,
Your left hand to your right,
In a permanent how-do-you-do.
--- Loopy Limericks P0212