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He was rated rather obtuse There once was a man of Eastwick, There once was a fellow called West All your leanings mean nothing to me. A typist who hailed from Duluth In the rain I once saw a man Luigi, who came from the Med, There once was a fellow called Tebbit, There once was a fellow called Biffin, You must concentrate to get it done Said a canny young Scotsman named Mac, A most famous psychic called Pye If you sign your full name with an 'X', "This orange I'll juggle." (Stay calm.) There once was an old man from Sayre "Oh come in my dears," cooed the host. So beat was a fellow named Jake A very light sleeper named Lowndes There was an old man of Ghent, A bibliographical feller There was a young fellow named Browder, There was a young lady of Yore These days, if you travel by train, I'd just make one modification, Some people have sure lost their way, Amnesiac? Me? Utter rot! I've discovered mentation's a strain. People these days from Aadams to Zook A man who was lost asked McNear, There's a young man who lives in Belsize, There once was a dumb man named Jed; Sixty two million dollars, no cents, There was a young person named Pete I once knew a young man named Ted; Poor octogenerian Barrel, We scream at inanimate objects, They say what you sow, you will reap. The psychic friends are so handy. (Amazing Randi, magician and skeptic = James Randi)
A man who was asked out to dinner, A little old woman named Yost Our poor RanDog's grand misillusions There was a young fellow from Erie, A daring performer name Pete, When she felt a good joke coming on, A stupid young nitwit of Eire, There was a young fellow from Troon The sound of the gramophone wailed, The clocks have gone forward again; This week end will be so much fun, Now Mister, I'll soon put you right; Superb! You are such a wise bloke! With his thoughts on all sorts of abuse, Three funny young men on a train Once again, it is time to be heeding There once was a woman from Brandles The trouble with smoking in bed, When I'm lonely and I'm feeling blue, There was a young man who said "Thus, There was an old man of Bombay, There was an old man of Montrose A lady musician called Hamp The girl in the bank looked at me, There once was a fellow named Rich Why we have tides in the seas, This time change caused me consternation. At night time, I'm tossing and turning. How awkward when playing with glue
With little of savvy or clues,
Till he traded a block
Of his Petro-Can stock
For a 'Fun in Siberia' cruise.
--- VOL 6
Who was known to be prone to give kicks.
But he was cured of that
When he kicked a top hat,
Under which was concealed a large brick.
--- Rudolf Ammann
Who found it quite hard to get dressed.
He used to quite dread
Putting socks on his head
And getting both legs through his vest.
--- Michael Palin
I'm an anti-intellectual, see?
All your theater and art;
Think you;re so bloody smart!
Well, hard knocks sure can beat a degree!
--- Robert Elliot
Was canned for her language uncouth.
But she called her boss Clyde,
A cocksucker who lied,
For the shit that he told was untruth.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2029
Strolling with umbrella in hand.
I said "It's insane
To walk in the rain."
He said, "Well then I'll just stand."
--- Ryan Michelle
Would stand all day long on his head.
Though his face would turn blue,
An upside-down view
Was what he preferred, so he said.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who had this unusual hebit,
He'd jump on his bike,
Then juggle with pike,
And play Hearts of Oak on a rebbit.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Who liked a bit 'round about tiffin,
He'd have crumpet with cheese,
Then fall to his knees,
And play Hearts of Oak on a griffin.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Persevere after start with step one
There'll be no peace of mind
Till it's finished, you'll find
Your skill increases as your race is won.
--- Esther Koch P0201
"I like to hop 'round in a sack.
It's the way that I chose
To save on my shoes,
Though it's harder to get there and back."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Went to visit a colleague close by.
He said with a smile
"Come stay here a while.
You're very well -- How am I?"
--- Stacy Bennman
It makes no difference as to your sex.
If you can't write your name,
Don't feel full of shame;
You won't need any special effects.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
"And these clubs." (Juggle, juggle, no qualm.)
"Now this chainsaw I'll chuck
In the air...Shit! Oh fuck!
(Juggles chainsaw, clubs, orange and an arm.)
--- Peter Wilkins
Who looked his way up in the air,
And so then did ten
So-called Sagacious men,
But there was not anything there.
--- Lims Unlimited
"You're only four hours late, at most.
I started without you --
Forget all about you.
Do you fancy the crusts from my toast?"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
That his bones and his muscles did ache.
He was almost half dead
As he crawled into bed,
Then he lay there, completely awake.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2631
Would wake at the slightest of sounds,
Like a fish thinking hard,
Or the rusting of lard,
Or moles far beneath football grounds.
--- Michael Palin
Who decided to live in a tent.
But when it started snowing
Said, "I think I'll be going."
He not only thought it, he went!
--- Spike Mulligan
Determined to be a bookseller.
When his show stall he tends,
He sells less than he spends.
But his wife won't know -- he won't tell her.
--- Dick Fredeman
Who puffed out his chest and was prouder.
In his mind he was right
For he won every fight,
And he won for his reasons were louder.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2476
Whose feet were exceedingly sore.
She decided to sit
And rest for a bit;
Missed the chair and went plunk on the floor.
--- Helen Dowd
You will hear without any strain,
The warbling tones
Of those damned mobile phones,
Which some people find quite a pain.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Which would be to add amplification,
To those dear little speakers,
So eavesdropping peekers,
Could hear the whole conversation.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Spewing venom and hatred each day.
Far South or Far North,
They love to hold forth,
Gratuitous nasty to spray.
--- Dennis M Hammes
You may think I am, but I'm not.
Why, I even remember
Way back in September!
(What joke went in her? I forgot.)
--- David Morin
And then too, I've been urged to refrain,
By those I count to be
In high authority.
So from thinking I strongly abstain.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9708
Don't take pride in those things folks once took.
With resistance they balk
At decorum in talk,
And so few give a damn how they look.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0501
"Tell me how do I get to Lapeer?"
But McNear scratched his head
And in puzzlement said,
"There is no way to get there from here."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2699
Who believes he is clever and wise.
Now, what do you think?
He saves gallons of ink
By simply not dotting his i's.
--- Anon
By accident he lost his head.
Friends propped up his arms,
Put him on their farm,
And now he's a scarecrow instead.
--- Andrew Collins
For a building design that prevents
Nuclear waste spreading 'round,
But the structure's unsound,
So they're storing the waste in some tents.
--- Anon
Who stood on his hands in the street.
Then he said, "Ain't it queer --
If I mean to stay here,
I will have to shake hands with my feet."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
This is file srm
Each morning he'd spring out of bed
To welcome the dawn;
But now he is gone.
He sprang out the window instead.
--- Supayne
At Niagara with his bride, Carol;
The love-struck old geezer,
In order to please her,
Plunged over the falls in a barrel.
--- Virginia Wilson
Like when our computers eat projects.
And the TV screen
When our team gets reamed
And blasted by screaming neurotics.
--- Gearhart
So I planted some dollars way deep.
I have had no luck;
Have not grown a buck --
Do you think that old George is asleep?
--- Marlene Lewis
I asked them for advice about Mandy.
They replied "Yes do go
With her in the UFO,
Just don't tell the Amazing Randi.
--- James Randi
Came home looking hungry and thinner.
He said, "Don't look baffled,
The dinner was raffled,
And somebody else was the winner."
--- Spike Mulligan
Was honored for running the most:
She ran back and forth
From The South to The North,
While reading The Times and The Post.
--- Limber Limericks
Have led me to form some conlusions,
He's got that condition
They call malnutrituion,
Affecting his frontal protrusions
--- Anon
Whose raving made everyone weary.
He did rant and did shout,
No one knows what about.
To be sure, he was nobody's dearie.
--- Albin Chaplin
Would hang from a bridge by his feet.
But the rope broke one day,
And some heard him say:
"That's one trick I'll sure not repeat."
--- Bob Birch P0206
She'd shout, "Get the rubber sheet, John!"
But when it was found
Amd laid out on the ground,
Whatever was funny had gone.
--- Michael Palin
Would sit at his ease on a fire.
When told he was hot,
He would say he was not,
And heatedly call you a liar.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Who sat down one day on a spoon.
He said "That's so nice,
But I won't do it twice,
And never again is too soon."
--- Kevin Hale Q
The crank on the motorcar failed
The tinsmith resisted
The butcher insisted,
The telegram never was mailed.
--- Cap'n Bean
It's a regular summer-time pain.
Been winding my watches
Through several notches,
And now I'm adjusting my brain.
--- Peter Wilkins
When to my old sundial I'll run;
'Twill be hard to set it,
'Cause forecasters said it
Will rain and there's no hope of sun.
--- Travis Brasell
Go, fit up your dial with a light,
Then come cloud or rain,
You'll see it quite plain,
And also can read it at night.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I tied a spotlight to an oak.
It shined on the dial,
I watched for awhile;
The shadow won't move -- sundial's broke!
--- Travis Brasell
Patrick asked the good folk of Dunluce,
If he brought his shillelagh
Along to their ceilidh, (party with singing, dancing)
Would it get, did they think, any use?
--- Kate Gray
Kept singing the same old refrain:
"While the summer is up,
Let us sing, drink, and sup,
And when winter is over: Again!"
--- Sumaq
The long-winded annual meeting.
When proceedings get stuck,
The effects of pot-luck
Might find some of us to be sleeping.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who could not extinguish her candles.
She blew till she belched,
But they wouldn't be squelched.
So she bashed the damn things with her sandals.
--- P9911
Is you find you've set fire to your head.
You go bald as a coot
And you're covered with soot.
"You're a prat!", the fire officer said.
--- Bill Wall
To remove this unwholesome hue,
I will stand on my head.
People think I am mad,
But try it! It might well work for you!
--- Anon
There is no one more foolish than us.
When we think we may score
In the lottery draw,
We'd more likely be hit by a bus."
--- Richard Long
Who stood on his head all the day;
In the main thoroughfare
With his legs in the air,
Soliciting alms by the way.
--- Archie
Who stood on the end of his nose.
He said, "It seems strange,
But it makes a nice change,
And it's healthy--as far as it goes."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Was prone to quite severe cramp.
One day at the harp,
She got stuck in F-sharp,
And was freed by acetylene lamp.
--- Michael Palin
Smiled and said, "Have you any I.D.?"
So a mirror I took,
Gave a very long look,
And said, "Yes, I am sure that is me."
--- Tiddy Ogg
An ornery son of a bitch;
He once got so mad
At his mom and his dad
That he threw them both into a ditch.
--- Anon
Is a concept I cannot seize.
Some are high and some low,
Some are fast and some slow.
Is this because the moon is cheese?
--- William K Alsop Jr
I hate it without reservation.
To hickory dock
And dick with the clock
Invites chronic sleep deprivation.
--- Denim
At day time I'm sleepy-time yearning.
Why can't we just stay
With one kind of day?
Both ends of my candle are burning.
--- Denim
To suddenly find out that you
Have stuck nice and tight,
Your left hand to your right,
In a permanent how-do-you-do.
--- Loopy Limericks P0212
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