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"I do love you; I love you beaucoups. There was a young lady of Denbigh, With rates of divorce at their height There was an old lady named Fran, Where once we were crowing all night, For a nice dish of fish, Tom was wishing. I love a sweet Punjabi Rani There was an old maid from Tangiers; A young mountain lad name of Horton When chatting up girlies named Kate The King of the rally boys, me. He courted a Sunday school teacher; Denise had a problem with men. I remember a date long ago Let him kiss me with kisses by mouth: A young man of football physique, When Valentine's day comes around, A girl who had two left feet There was a young fellow called Pringle Dear Friend, I write with regret There was a young man of Lucerne To women I have to pay deference; If you have found a Prince true, There was a young fellow from Neath, A dirty young man from South Yolo, (county in Calif -
McW) A BOFFIN who did weird research, You pious vindictive old fart! I no longer want a deep tan. So now is the time we must part; Their date started out with much laughter, There was a young lady from Spanaway Sarek and Amanda were dating; There was a young fellow named Joe I once knew a fellow from Thurton An Eskimo pinched a girl, Lou. There was a young girl of Glenora; There once was a little teen boy, In Illyria, the love-sick Orsino A corpulent maiden named Mary An ostentatiously erudite lawyer, A man and his ladylove, Min, I'm sorry to cause a commotion, There once was a guy named Scott, A carefree young lad, tall and single, While talking just now on the phone, I was courting a girl from the South A partner in flesh and in mind, Whenever I watch Anna Ford Said the expert locksmith, Sam Magee, There was a young fellow named Larry The rotten and nasty and crass He sat, putting coins in the slot; There was a young lady so coy You're not here for over a week, When their eyes met, they heard violins; You know that I like you a lot, There was a young hot-rod named Larkin, A meteorologist, Dale, I was courting a girl from the North; There was a young lady named Constance As he opened his own front door, A ticklish young lady named Nancy, Said a certain young lass of Port Huon, While out with a couple of Blues, A teen-ager from Georgia, named Buzz, A naive young girl straight from Bombay, When Augustus Fitzgibbon Moran,
If you marry me, come to Peru.
I have lots of dough
And a home in Bordeau.
I do! Yes, I do! Yes, I do!"
--- Al Willis
Who wrote to her confindante, "Nota Bene.
I don't mean to try
To be married, not I,
But where can the eyes of the men be?"
--- Punch 1863 (Bibby)
And friends living-in left and right,
How can folks still deceive
Themselves and believe
That they're bound to meet Mr./Ms. Right?
--- A N Wilkins P9102
Whose hobby was catching a man.
With her tricks and her wiles,
Sparkling eyes and nice smiles,
She keeps at it although she's a gran!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
This absence of hens is a blight.
Although it's a bore,
I'm straight out that door,
If someone should call a cockfight.
--- Anon
He'd rather go fish than be kissing.
But he saw at the stream,
a most beautiful dream,
Now the dish he is kissing ain't fishing.
--- Mary Spiering
Who worships my sri lingam (my johnnie)
And digs huge phalanges
That flow like the Ganges.
(Forgive me if you're Pakistani.)
--- H Welchel
She hadn't been dated for years.
At a charity fete
She was asked for a date;
In her mind she gave three hearty cheers!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Once called on his gal for some courtin'.
She had doused with perfume
Labeled "Hill-Billy's Doom",
And he stood there just pantin' and snortin'.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0095
And hoping for more than a date,
Some chocolates and wine
Will often work fine.
If that's not enough, pearls are great!
--- Archie
I have lots of trophies, come see.
That brunette, that blonde;
Of them all I am fond.
I pick them up so easily.
--- Anon
His well-practiced line didn't reach her;
She said he must wed her
Before he could bed her.
He'll spring for a ring and a preacher.
--- Gail Koontz
She never knows which one or when
She ought to pursue,
So she puts herself through
A crisis again and again.
--- Larry Dahl
With a girl having looks just so-so,
But her brains and her wit
And her sheer mental grit,
Excited me, God! You don't know!!
--- Anon
For his love is as good as vermouth.
'Cause his ointments taste good;
Praise his name in the 'hood,
And the virgins will think him most couth.
--- Anon
His heart was exceedingly weak.
While he much loved a maid,
He was so afraid
That he hadn't the courage to speak.
--- Anon
All the pent-up sentiments abound.
They send flowers and cards
With words from the Bards
In hopes that true love can be found!
--- Ystap TP9802
Loved a man she just happened to meet;
She told him her plight,
But his feet were all right,
And it made their union complete.
--- Anon
Who desperately wished to stay single.
But as soon as he saw
One young lady, or more,
He was filled with a strong urge to mingle.
--- Michael Palin
That I showed up too early to pet.
So I think I'll just wait
To await my next mate;
And believe me, I wait in a sweat.
--- Baxter Sperry P0111
Who thought it was love made him burn;
So he took his girl flowers
And queued up for hours,
Just patiently waiting his turn.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Assuredly they are my preference.
From winter till fall
I give them my all,
And hope they will give me a reference.
--- Limber Limericks
My advice is stick with him like glue!
For some other dame,
May see him fair game,
And try to remove him from you!
--- Maggie
Took his girl for a walk on the heath.
He was a bit tight;
She swung with her right.
Going home, in his hand, a few teeth!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Fought halitoses by sucking a Polo.
The success was so-so,
(He'd ignored his BO)
Which explains just why he is still solo.
--- Rudolf Ammann
And never attended a church,
Yet always had fun,
And ladies hearts won,
Before he left them in a lurch.
--- Chris Papa
Usurping my love from the start.
Now you got your wish,
So keep your cold fish,
Because she has broken my heart.
--- Archie
I've no need to catch me a man.
Disconcern with my belly
Has turned it to jelly,
And gone is the exercise plan.
--- Anita Manceau-Baddel
It was never that way at the start.
The tears that I cry
Are to wish you goodbye
And to wash you away from my heart.
--- Richard Long
But when she found what he was after,
Said "My mother says no.
I'm afraid I must go,
Because what you want, I don't have ter!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who secretly put her divan away,
And by that maneuver,
For which I reprove her,
She artfully drove a young man away.
--- Lims Unlimited
Amanda was patiently waiting,
For signs of romance
Soft words, a slow dance;
What she got was an efficiency rating.
--- Anon
Who fancied himself as a beau.
But the girl -- it was clear --
Had another idea,
Which dealt his big ego a blow!
--- Helen Dowd
This is file snm
Who pursued every girl with a skirt on.
When he found one at last,
He cried "Damn and blast!",
For her name was Elizabeth Burton.
--- C F Simmons
He said to her, "Girl, I dig you."
She gave him a smack,
Saying, "I don't dig back!"
And chased him around his igloo.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
The boys really used to adore her.
When they wanted to date her,
She'd say, "Go see pater,"
So now they just simply ignore her.
--- John Blyth
Who thought he was very coy.
On his first date,
He was truly great.
Too bad she was his sister's toy.
--- Jennifer Morales
Sighed: "Why is her answer to me, 'No'"
A theme he'd rehearse
At length in blank verse --
Not a part, one would think, for Dan Leno.
--- Stanley J Sharpless
Was greatly enamoured of Harry.
But Harry was wise
And wanted no ties;
Told Mary "Your Harry won't tarry."
--- Carol Jensen
Fell in love with a maid in Hawayer.
He begged "Marry me please",
(Expressed in pure legalese),
So all that he did was annoy her.
--- James M Menger P9501
Skated out where the ice was quite thin,
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out.
It is lucky they didn't fall in!
--- Anon
But I've trouble combatting emotion,
Whenever I'm near you,
Because it is clear you
Are rejection my hopeless devotion.
--- Frankie
Who thought he was so hot.
Then Jamie dumped him,
And her new boyfriend thumped him;
Now, a living Scott, there is not.
--- Brandi Conatser
Soon landed a job at Kootingal.
But stealing some kisses
From boss's young misses,
Meant transfer to far Stockinbingal.
--- Barbara Chaney
A lightning bolt caused it to drone.
Buzz, then a shrill whine,
And that's my last dime.
Goodbye to my girlfriend, Ione.
--- Scott Oliver
With a very kissable mouth.
But my friend from the North
Said, "You realithe, of courthe,
Theethe built like the thide of a houth.
--- Bill Wall
Why is that so hard to find?
She wants the moon--
He gives up too soon--
Lots of fish in the sea, but what kind?
--- Anon
I sometimes cry out: "Praise the Lord!"
Oh goodness, love hurts
When you're starching your shirts,
And your trousers go stiff as a board.
--- Kevin Hale Q
"Just when I thought that I was home free,
Having shown I've a bent
For romance, I resent
Being told "Love is laughing at me."
--- L C Fitzhugh P0111
Who loved a sweet lady named Carrie.
He said, "Let us marry."
She replied, "I must tarry;
I also love Tom, Dick and Harry."
--- Tom Kearney P9805
Should get a swift kick in the ass.
For gentle and kind
Indeed leaves one blind,
Attracting all lowlife...alas.
--- Abi
And hatched in his mind, a love-plot.
He said to the lady,
"Hello, my name's Brady."
"And mine," said the lady, "is not!"
--- Observer
That she'd never been out with a boy.
So she hid in a sack,
And lay on her back;
A most unsatisfactory ploy.
--- Kevin Hale Q
And your absence forced me to seek
A brand new play mate,
From the Lone Star State,
Who's very randy, so to speak.
--- Anon
He in uniform, she wore crinolines.
As they danced the gavotte,
She said, she'd rather not,
And didn't care to hear his mandolins.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
But I think that you wish I did not.
So, I'll curb the emotion,
And end the devotion.
My life has such a bad plot!
--- Lims For Year - 01
Who asked a young girl to go sparkin'.
But her mother said, "No,
I will not let you go,
Till you promise that they'll be no parkin'."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2657
Met a sugar-plantationer, Gail.
But each went their way,
When they never could say,
Whether they were to raise cane or hail.
--- Dennis Hammes
In the sackrace, she had come in fourth.
She had a slight lisp,
But her diction was crisp,
When she said, "Get your handth from my drawth!"
--- Bill Wall
Who, with boys, would not stand any nonsense.
If her partners grew deft,
She would lead with her left;
The results would not weigh on her conscience.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
The Invisible Man still swore.
The words that she said
Yet rang in his head...
"I just can't see you any more."
--- Anon
Was wooed by a fellow named Clancy.
Though he tickled her pink,
What made her heart sink,
Was tht he didn't tickle her fancy.
--- Sam Chen
"I've got no time for billin' and cooin'."
When a local boy said,
"Can we get wed?"
She curtly replied, "Nothin' doin'."
--- John Blyth
I didn't know which one to choose;
The one with the squint
Or the one with the splint.
I've had both. I've got nothing to lose.
--- Bill Wall
Had a chin that was covered with fuzz.
He asked Pam to a dance,
She said, "Not a chance,
You're no peach and you never was."
--- Ron Sartain
To a boy never knew what to say.
When out with a boyfriend,
It was really the end,
When her chaperone said he was gay!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Told his love to Maria McCann,
He cleared the front stoop,
With a yell and a whoop,
Just ahead of her father's brogan.
--- Anon
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