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Long ago in the days of my youth A man loved a gal named Bundy, He said, "You have such lovely eyes;" In the shadow of a waxing moon, I thought I'd marry a brunette There was a young girl, Daisy Mae, There was a young fellow named Pringle A young girl that I knew, I called Carrie A cat burglar called Nick O'Shea Ike's fiancee said, "Want a mink?" There was a young girl called Bianca There was a young lady from Diss, A girl called Denise, used to posh, He thought that a date was his right, There was a young maid from Japan I got her a lovely bouquet. Said a downcast young spinster, Miss Radish, There was a young fellow from Gloucester, She turned up soon after in Bister, An innocent maiden of Gloucester In this world which is funny and sad, Said a pretty FM who is shy, His date for The Prom was young Grace; He found he had hit for a double, As she parted her knees, his heart leapt. Young Grace seemed aware of the score, One brief bout of passion, once done "In my youth I resolved, being human, "Not long after my searches began, My fingers are cool and caressing, Babbling and sparkling with light, Would you put on your dress, Honey bun, Then a concert, perhaps, after dark, I just can't think of a way This single white rose is the sign, Now roses, it seems, can be frozen, A man who would woo a fair maid, He should 'prentice himself at fourteen, It is purely a matter of skill, Young Joe gets embarrassed quite truly, ...From standing to greet this young miss, So Joe's lost the use of his stinger, Apparently shy is young Frankie, It's usually done near Bill Rickett, A man with a wart on his nose, It became very clear to poor Stan; She belonged to a big select clan, I take bets that you've all heard of those If you think that at reaching their aim, The horseman has mounted his steed, The horseman is gallant and daring; With her pass open wide, the maid waits. Now the damsel delights in yon tower, A young lady who sings in our choir, Whenever she looks down the aisle, I'm horse-riding Sunday with Flo, He's tired as he rolls into bed She brings him a sleek Christmas tin He opens the x-rated bits Darling I just cannot wait If you use the feather duster, How could I ever forget My fingers in your red? brown? black? hair I remember those nights in Honshu, I hope that you know that it's true, I pondered and wondered out loud;
To my date I was very uncouth.
"Pull my finger," I said,
But she kicked me instead
In the groin! And it hurt! That's the truth.
--- Kent B Hake P9608
Who came from the Bay of Fundy.
But to his despair,
She gave him the air.
Sic transit gloria mundi.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"Tell me more." she said in between sighs,
To cool down her passion.
He said, "That's your ration!"
So she kicked him hard, as a surprise!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
For my ex-lover, I mournfully croon.
Early last May
Was her wedding day;
She's a bride, but I wasn't a groom.
--- Jeff Bagley
With a name like Yvonne or Yvette.
But the girl of my dreams
Was a psychic, it seems.
She left me, before we had met!
--- Friar T9801
To a lad, didn't know what to say.
She would not make a date,
But just sat down to wait.
She's been sitting there many a day.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
With cash in his pockets to jingle.
Said his girl, "We'll have fun --
Two live cheaply as one."
But he said, "It's worth more to be single."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2754
Heard the song, "Let him go, let him tarry."
Her young man at the church
She left standing at the lurch.
She's still looking for someone to marry.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Realized that crime doesn't pay,
When an ugly old bat
With her hair in a plait
Begged him to take her away.
--- Funfax Limericks
She gave him no time for a think.
"Full length and the best;
Not just brief for my chest."
Ike said "You'd better talk to your shrink!"
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who said as she sipped Fernet Branca:
"I'm thoroughly sick
So I'm leaving you, Mick,"
And he didn't know quite how to thank her.
--- Kevin Hale Q
Whose boy friend asked her for a kiss.
She said "You young fool,
Though you do come from School,
You can't treat a Diss girl like this."
--- H M Smith
Her bloke asked her 'round for a nosh.
But after they'd fed,
He said, "I'm off to bed.
You can go in the kitchen and wash."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
And trying to be so polite,
I declined with a shake,
A manner quite fake;
"Thanks, but I wash my hair tonight."
--- Azul
Who no one was prettier than.
If wooed by a suitor
Whose suit did not suit her,
She waived him away with her fan.
--- Laurence Perrine P9407
"The label I'll read if I may.."
She did; came the tears,
And a box of my ears,
As she read: "Rest in peace, Auntie Fay."
--- Anon
"No wonder I'm gloomy and sad-ish.
Of the men that I've met,
Most are awfully wet,
And the others are really quite caddish!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Whose wife ran away with a coster.
He traced her to Lester,
And tried to arrest her,
But in spite of his efforts, he lost her.
--- Anon (Reed)
Where the coster was seen to have kissed her.
He caught her at Wooster,
Where roundly he goosed her,
And finally married her sister.
--- Anon
Fell in love with a coster named Foster;
She met him in Leicester,
Where he merely caress her,
Then the hard-headed coster just lost her.
--- Anon (Bibby)(Parrot)
Were you a loving husband and dad?
Are you bowed but unbroken,
Has your life been a token --
That you took the good with the bad?
--- Mensa Bulletin P8512
If you're single, you're my kind of guy.
With some verse 'neath a tree,
A little Mozart, and me.
You'll be glad that you dared to reply.
--- Mensa Bulletin P8512
He parked in a suitable place.
Their signals all muddled,
They clumsily cuddled;
He hoped he would get to first base.
--- John E Mayhood P0504
Which got him in no end of trouble.
He sucked on her nipple,
And tried for a triple;
Success came as light as a bubble.
--- John E Mayhood P0504
He felt for the condom he'd kept
Hidden safely away,
Since his first High School day,
Like an Eagle Scout, well read and prepped.
--- John E Mayhood P0504
And quite willing to further explore
Life's tenderest mystery;
The rest, dear, is history.
Virginities flew out the door.
--- John E Mayhood P0504
Convinced them it really was fun,
Playing baseball that way,
So their score for Grad Day,
Was "An inside the ballpark home run!"
--- John E Mayhood P0504
Not to marry," explained Mr. Newman,
"Till I'd gone far and wide
In search of a bride
And had finally found the ideal woman."
--- A N Wilkins P8401
I found her, according to plan.
But my quest was in vain,
As the lady made plain.
She was looking for the perfect man.
--- A N Wilkins P8405
If you're in me, I'm all over, pressing...
But you'll not be on fire,
You'll not even perspire...
Despite my hot name, I'm a blessing.
--- Tutta Gioia
Under the elms a brave sight...
Running through leas
'Neath a cool breeze,
Ever a soothing delight.
--- Tutta Gioia
For an evening of cultural fun;
In a gallery smart
Of impressionist art
And a dinner for two in the sun?
--- Peter Wilkins
With the classical music of Bach?
Or maybe we'll choose
Some old Rhythm and Blues
Or a slow, gentle stroll in the park?
--- Peter Wilkins
This is file smm
That I'd rather spend the whole day.
Dinner for two,
Rhythm and Blues,
And walking with you and Monet.
--- Ericka
I love you and beg you be mine;
It would have been red
But the price was instead
Of a quid, about 5.99.
--- Tiddy Ogg
So why not, lads, buy her a dozen,
Way back in September,
And simply remember
To thaw them out on the day chosen.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He should 'prentice himself to the trade
And study all day
In methodical ways,
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.
--- W S Gilbert
And practise from morning to e'en,
And when he's of age,
If he will, I'll engage.
He may capture the heart of a queen.
--- W S Gilbert
Which all may attain if they will.
But every Jack
Must study the knack,
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
--- W S Gilbert
Whenever he meets lovely Julie.
The throb in his gland
Makes his trousers expand;
He can't stop his member unruly...
--- Tiddy Ogg
But even she thinks it amiss,
As ejaculation
Soon causes deflation,
Before he's given her a kiss.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And Julie is not loath to linger.
She'll not get a good
Poke with Joe's throbbing wood,
And things ain't the same with a finger.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Oft saucily dropping her hanky.
Such actions flirtatious
Though, hid a voracious
Desire for more intimate panky.
--- Peter Wilkins
And he never offers to pick it
Up; she'll bend over
And in the style a la rover,
He'll locate her pussy and stick it.
--- Tiddy Ogg
On Valentines day, bought a rose,
For a hard-hearted girl,
Who gave not a twirl,
And then slammed the door on his toes.
--- Rande
She was wicked and mean by her plan.
And she had, so to speak,
A very mean streak
Designed to chase away a man.
--- Rande
Who despised men as, some women can.
And he thus understood
Her hard heart was no good.
Had she not smashed his toes, he'd have ran.
--- Rande
Who miss love, though it's biting their nose.
But it flames their desire;
(They'd climb walls tall and higher)
If they can't have the one that they chose.
--- Anon
And the loved one they'd start to proclaim,
That they're happy at last --
Nope! "I've got it, then -- Blast!
'T must be crap, I don't want..." It's a shame.
--- Anon
Off he rides to his damsel full speed.
She is there in yon castle,
Frees her hair from its tassel,
And makes ready her row for his seed.
--- Travis Brasell
For the young maid his planter is flaring.
'Cross the moor, through the glen,
He rides fast as the wind,
For the maid's garden needs his firm caring.
--- Travis Brasell
As her love crops his steed through its gaits.
Then as if time stood still,
She could feel his hard steel
Tool its way through her tight fertile straits.
--- Travis Brasell
For the horseman has tended her bower.
From his strong cultivation
And his full saturation,
Will there come a sweet, elegant flower.
--- Travis Brasell
Whose hair is the color of fire,
But her charm is unique,
She has such a physique,
It is really a joy to be nigh her.
--- The Limerick Book P9405
She gives me a beautiful smile.
And of all of her beaux,
I am sure that she shows,
She like me the best all the while.
--- The Limerick Book P9405
Christina, Kate, Susan and Jo;
On steeds trained to stay
Then run out of hay,
'Neath gum-trees that grow mistletoe.
--- Q
Not finished...is that what she said?
Not all the good boys
Have unwrapped their toys;
Eyes open, for what lies ahead.
--- Q
He savors the gifts wrapped within
With that toss of her hair
There's raw sex in the air,
Yes, Santa, your turn to dig in.
--- Q
Can those be some tats...for her tits!?
She demos each treat while
She churns up the heat
Home Depot should sell these tool kits.
--- Q
For our next passionate date;
But my knees, I fear,
Are knocking, my dear,
And I wish my pulse would abate.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807
You'll get me all in a fluster.
So light a candle
Of scented sandal-
Wood; strength I will need to muster
--- Peter J Wilkins P9807
That day? morning? evening we met.
You were a shortish? tall guy
With blue? green? brown eyes
And your body was thinly? thickset.
--- Ericka A1
Started our day? week? year? -long affair.
I'll always remember
How you looked in December
In your flowered? striped? jockey? boxer? underwear.
--- Ericka A2
Our sweat intermixed with the dew.
I'll never forget
The inn where we met.
(I'm almost sure that it was you.)
--- Irish
I sure do like looking at you.
For while you were sleeping,
I just kept on peeping,
Looking for something that's new.
--- Anon
Oh boy, was I ever proud,
She was there, neat and cozy,
Too bad she was dozy,
'Cause she snores like a rioting crowd.
--- Anon
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