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There was a young man from Cape Horn A bald-headed fool of Kilmead, There was a young fellow named Skinner I hope Skinner's dick is not thinner, No! Skinner was in her BEFORE! There was an old fellow named Ransom A lady from County Carlisle And when his cheeks had to part, A negro fellator named Crass There once was a man from Tangier A fellow, with lots of fanfare, Few people could hope to compare There was a young man from Decatur, There was a young fellow named Clift, On the stairs at the back of the school There was a young Vulcan reporter, In that classical limerick on "Steins" There was a young lady of Riga The famous young lady of Riga, To his clubfooted child spoke Lord Gillity, The sister of Fritz, by name Dinah, There was an old plumber named Sears There was a young man named Fritz A frustrated girl from the sticks Those tooters worked hard on the flute . An oldy it is, and not bad, Said the Bishop, "My dear girl, take care; There was a young lady of Kew, Sir Gerald, mad-eyed at their fun, A nympho of generous girth We who live where it happened can swear It was here, at our own local pub, Though the fame of this lady went far, Her vagina in Raleigh? Absurd! I can tell you right now without malice, Long enough of this thing have I sang. Well Son, just keep up with your schoolin'. Private parts lost of woman named Alice It's good she did not choose plastique But tell me, do we really care The archaeologist Hermann von Schnick Some parts of that lady named Alice There was a wild heiress named Alice, A Southern Cal coed named Clare There once was a lady named Lucky, They found one of her tits in Racine, Says the Queen, coming too, looking weary, She slowly becomes more alert A gay young lad from Latrobe There was an old miner named Crane There was a young girl name of Alice Some plastic explosives got lost in There was a young nun named Alice, Well, that very same lady from Wheeling A horny young lass from Darjeeling, I don't want to seem unfeeling, Have you heard of the lad from Darjeeling The son of that "Lady from Ealing You recall the young girl from Darjeeling? I believe I recall that young stripper; Revealing more than she's concealing, On account of the pain she was feeling, An excitable lass from Darjeeling Hermit Dave decided to ABJURE; There once was a hermit named Dave, Loathing things new, MISOCAINEA,
Who wished he had never been born;
And he mightn't have been,
But the rubber was thin
At the end, and the edges were worn.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Rubbed his skull with a mixture of seed.
In the end, stupid ass,
He was covered with grass,
So they hoed him each day to find weed.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Who Dutch treated a lady at dinner.
The evening went fine
And by quarter past nine
The dinners were in him and in her.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Worn down from the friction within her.
For post prandial sinning
Forget that floor-pinning,
Just put her on top and then spin her.
--- Tutta Gioia
Skinner's foreskin sank in to the core.
Before the champagne,
Then he did it again...
Meal over, he started to snore.
--- John Miller
Who peeked through a dressing-room transom.
And what he observed
Was abundantly curved:
A table, antique, that was handsome.
--- Limber Limericks
Rode off on a tiger with style;
I'm very concerned
Since she's never returned,
And the tiger's been wearing a smile.
--- Anon
The sparks ignited a fart.
Upward he flew;
Up into the blue,
And landed right in a dustcart.
--- Funny Bone
Had balls that were tufted with grass;
When he pulled on his wire,
His eyes glowed with fire
And venom spat out of his ass.
--- Rick O'Shay
Who made everyone tremble with fear.
It seems in bad weather,
Wearing shorts made of leather,
Lightning would shoot out of his rear!
--- Anon
Said he'd show how to fuck on a chair.
Off balance, alas,
He fell on his ass,
And he shot off his load in the air!
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
With the two who made love on the stair.
When the bannister broke,
They thought it a joke,
And just carried on in mid-air.
--- J Endersby
Who was having his girl on an escalator.
But the power went out,
He started to pout,
And didn't proceed until later.
--- Arthur Deex P9307
Who was having his girl on the lift.
When is stopped at mid-floor,
He continued to score,
Till relieved by the helpful night shift.
--- Arthur Deex P9307
He was giving his girl all his tool,
When the bannister broke
On the twenty-fourth stoke,
And he polished her off on the newel.
--- A N Wilkins P8801a
Who was having girls in the transporter.
When the phase-balance failed,
He hung there impaled,
Hoisted on his Picard tricorder.
--- Arthur Deex P9307
A monstrous omission maligns.
It's really gestanken
That half-brother Franken
Wasn't mention in one of the lines.
--- Al Willis T9712
Who went for a ride on a tiger.
She returned from that ride
As Serge Daglief's bride,
And a smile on the face of the tiger.
--- Creatures Facetious P0312
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger,
Came back from her ride
With wild stirrings inside,
And a pussycat now was the tiger.
--- David A Brooks Q
"Despite breeding from higher nobility,
A recessive gene pair
In which both parents share,
Severely impaired your mobility."
--- David Finely P9712a
Planted a field of vagina.
"When the labia bloom,
I just love the perfume,"
Said Dinah, "There's nothing more fina."
--- TuttaGioia a
Who planted some tits, it appears,
They showed nipples exquisite
Till the law paid a visit,
So he covered them all with brassieres.
--- Phil Cannibal P9303
Who planted ten acres of lentils.
They came up in the autumn,
Red pistils and all,
And he quietly chewed them into very small fragments.
--- Arthur Deex P9303
Once planted an acre of pricks.
Then came up in the fall
Up to ten inches tall,
And she'd milk them each morning as six.
--- Anon N
Their pursuit: a route to toot repute.
The effort bore fruit,
They accrued lots of loot.
The two's tribute to tutors astute.
--- Doug Harris P0606
But posting it here's now a fad.
After thrity-five times,
The greatest of rhymes
Tends to turn us off just a wee tad.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
You were taken, it seems, unaware.
The vicar's protrusion
Is but an allusion --
A fake phallus inflated with air."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8403
Who said, as the curate withdrew,
"I prefer the dear vicar;
He's longer and thicker;
Besides, he comes quicker than you."
--- Norman Douglas G1125
Wades in armed with a dagger and gun;
"Ragtime bastards!" he calls,
"Draw away, or no balls."
Now they're a band on the run.
--- Tony Crafter P0506
Tried a dynamite stick just for mirth;
But her name wasn't Alice,
And her ass ain't in Dallas--
It barely got close to Fort Worth.
--- Norm Storer P9603A
Most of her, never ended up there.
When that nitro went "BANG"
There was hardly a thang
That was left fit to travel by air.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Where she gave it that last final rub.
Although it is true,
I got spattered with goo,
I still saved my Canadien Club.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Most of her stayed right in the bar.
Thought they shipped some choice pieces
To nephews and nieces,
The rest sits right 'chere in a jar.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
This is file sgm
How these tales get retold and reheard!
Those parts where once kissed
Got dispersed as a mist.
(Though the bartender's pate got re-furred.)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I've her asshole right here in North Dallas;
(Though they've pickled her spleen
To be shipped to the Queen,
Served with titties and cream at the Palace.)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Us Texans are tired of this thang.
Let's lay her to rest
With just one final jest;
"She came and she went with a bang!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Maybe someday they'll learn you the rulin',
To read 'fore you post,
And so avoid most
Duplications and other Tom-Foolin'!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In environs of Buckingham Palace.
Scattered there by untoward
Explosion. Reward.
Call J. Watson, attorney, in Dallas.
--- A N Wilkins P8703
To give her libido a tweak.
No pussy nor tits,
Not even her zits
Would be there to rebuild her physique.
--- S C Saint
Where they found her pubic hair?
Using TNT
To travel for free,
Is one hell of a taking a dare!
--- Arden
Found the pyramid. There etched in brick
Our hieroglyphic man Steiner
Could make out the five-liner
About Alice and her dynamite stick.
--- Michael Weinstein P8505a
Were preserved by a priest in a chalice.
He was known to malign her
In North Caroliner
And did the whole thing out of malice.
--- Neal Wilgus P8507
Who invited a man to her palace.
She gave him some money
To let her drip honey,
All over his nuts and his phallus.
--- Anon
Fucked dynamite sticks on a dare.
They found all her asshole
Outside the Hearst Castle
And part of her snatch in Bel Air.
--- David Miller
Who used dynamite to get herself fucky.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And one of her tits in Kentucky.
--- Matt S
And Manchester bathed in her spleen.
Her other titty
Was in Mexico City,
But her ass landed square on the Queen.
--- MrMalo
Seeing Alice's ass, somewhat bleary,
With the utmost decorum,
As if to the forum,
"Is it roast we're have then, dearie?"
--- MrMalo
And sees Alice's ass on her shirt.
With a stiff upper lip,
(Cheerio! Pip! Pip!)
Says "Goodness, am I badly hurt?"
--- MrMalo
Used a dynamite stick for a probe.
They located his colon
In north central Poland,
But his prostate still orbits the globe!
--- Del Bob
Who used dynamite sticks for a cane.
They found his hat
On Mount Arrat
And part of his bridgework in Spain.
--- Richard Rhodes
Who lived in an African palace.
She would slake her lust
On an elephant's tusk,
And imagine that it was a phallus.
--- Tom Patton
A married queer couple from Boston.
They found one left ball
On China's great wall,
And half of a pecker in Austin.
--- John Miller
Who was taking a piss in a chalice.
When a passing old vicar,
Seized her to stick her,
Not through lust, but through Protestant malice.
--- Anon
Was so charged with sexual feeling,
She kept pissing all day
Till the town washed away;
Now the local economy's reeling.
--- Anon
Partook in much clitoris feeling.
She'd play 'round all night,
'Til it felt oh-just-right,
'Til her panties stuck fast to the ceiling.
--- Anon
Or slander the good folk of Ealing;
But their women folk
All like a good poke,
And do their best work while they're kneeling.
--- David Miller
Whose gross habits weren't so appealing,
For when stroking his poker,
He was choking a stoker
And picking off flies off the ceiling.
--- Garold Amadon
Who had a peculiar feeling,"
Would spray-paint the floors
And the walls and the doors,
As he watched her take aim at the ceiling.
--- Anon
Made fly-buttons bounce off the ceiling?
Well now it's the rips
Of over strained zips,
That you hear when young Suzie is peeling.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Seeing her on stage has made me chipper.
I do then inquire
As to her desire;
To get up in her muff you must tip her.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This lady from Ealing's appealing.
In jail, I had had her
And busted her bladder,
And so the jail had a damp ceiling.
--- David Miller
She woke up the guards with her squealing;
It appears to be fact,
Her urinary tract,
Is badly in need of some healing.
--- David Miller
As her climax approached, began squealing
In increasing harmonic,
Till she went ulta-sonic;
When she came she peeled paint from the ceiling.
--- Anon
From necrophilia he took the cure.
He managed to resist;
He makes love to his fist.
How long will this phase endure?
--- Norm Brust
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
It is this charnal
And Dave's actions carnal,
That cause me to rant and to rave.
--- Norm Brust
Finds adventure no panacea,
But reinforces
Ancient remorses:
Hermit Dave hates tiny heiniea.
--- Daniel Ford
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