There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It is just as I feared.
Two pheasants a-plucking, two turkeys a-fucking,
Two owls coughing pellets, two swans and two pullets,
Have, all of them, shit in and smeared

And thoroughly dirtied my beard.
--- Alexander Baron

There was a young girl with a beard
Who said, "It is just as I feared;
I'd love to go bedward
With dear uncle Edward,
But jeeze; even he thinks I'm weird."
--- Anon

There was an old man who said, "Hush!
I perceive a young bird with a bush!"
When they asked, "Is it small?"
He replied, "Not at all,
But it's nowhere the size of her tush!"
--- Hugh Clary

There were two young ladies of Birmingham
And this is the story concerning them.
They acted improper
By biffing the topper
Of the bishop as he was confirming them.
--- David Finely P9712

But this bishop was nobody's fool;
He'd been to a large public school.
He replaced his top hat
In five seconds flat,
In a manner both jaunty and cool.
--- David Finely P9712

But that failed to impress the bad two.
They said, "Bishop, your hat is askew.
Our vicar is greater,
Since his hat is straighter
Than the one on the top part of you.
--- David Finely P9712

There were once two young ladies of Birmingham,
And I know a sad story concerning 'em,
They stuck needles and pins,
In the right reverend shins,
Of the bishop who was confirming 'em.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A lone lady explorer named Schlichter
Once wrestled a boa constrictor.
On her hot jungle bed
They both writhed, and it's said
The constrictor, as victor, then licked her.
--- David A Brooks Q

So helpful is Pussy-Pat Payle
That she's printed the price of her tail
On the relevant places
In scripts of twelve races,
And blind men are favoured with Braille.
--- David A Brooks Q

To a gaucho I met in St. Thomas,
I mentioned I tried in St. Palmas,
The numero uno
That was boasted by Bruno,
And discovered diviness St. Llamas.
--- Hugh Clary

There once was a man from Calcutta,
Who greased up his ass with butta,
He practised a curious trick,
And therein inserted his prick.
Some people would say he's a nutter!
--- Anon

Miss Molly's a young lass of fashion,
Much known for her wit and her passion.
To her captain she said
As she straddled his head,
"Here's one thing you bastards can't ration."
--- Garold Amadon

A young girl who lived on Cape Cod,
Claimed her baby was a gift of God.
But it looked like Roger,
Her mother's lodger,
So she had to drop the FACADE.
--- Norm

Her sister was younger and blonder
And hotter and certainly fonder
Of guys such as I
Counting hairs on her pie,
Which would send her to realms, way up yonder.
--- Anon

John Miller took two or three days,
To work out that cunt-plucking pays.
By collecting the hairs
From under the stairs,
He wove for himself a toupee.
--- David Miller

I have no such need of toupee
'Cause I have all my hair -- though it's grey.
I use those blond hairs
For making repairs
To Barbies, which I give away.
--- John Miller

"Tonight on the beach," said Cecille,
"I'll let all the boys have a feel!
Excepting for Dave
Who smell of the grave,
And uses my clam to catch eel."
--- David Miller

The prior of Dunstan St Just
Overcome with feelings of lust,
Satisfied his strange urgin;
With a bust of The Virgin,
And a water pump covered in rust.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims

The lady from Ealing is old;
More likely she's dead, I've been told.
Though John should have known
As she was fly blown,
And the last golden shower was cold.
--- David Miller

In the Garden of Eden, Eve's chasm
Is given to multi-orgasm.
And great is her mirth,
For on the whole earth
There are many to have, and she has 'em.
--- Arthur Deex P0205

A dangerous rich bitch known as Sader,
Built a palace with cash, fools had paid her.
The walls of its halls
Were hung high with the balls,
And the tools of the fools who had laid her.
--- David A Brooks Q

When in Kansas I ran out of gas,
Met a widow who had a fine ass,
But you need not be told,
Like the limerick of old,
'Twas the kind with four legs and eats grass.
--- Bob Birch P0900

A ghost in the town of Macroom,
One night found a ghoul in his room.
They argued all night
As to which had the right
To frighten the wits out of whom.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

A fellow with passions quite gingery
Was exploring his young sister's lingerie;
Then with giggles of pleasure
He plundered her treasure
Adding incest to insult to injury.
--- Anon

Since Jack has a massive twelve-incher, he
Knocked out his dear mum's lower denture. Re-
Marked he, "You scum,
You've bloodied my cum!"
Adding incest to insult and injury.
--- Anon

A sewer-farm workman named Byrd
Was put out by events that occurred,
For he never did choose
To be sucked down by ooze,
Nor remain so interred so in turd.
--- David A Brooks Q

Perhaps it is I who's naive,
But I find it hard to believe.
Perhaps you're mistaken,
'Cause it would have taken
Epoxy that bond to achieve.
--- El Gaucho

A bookbinder let out a shrill scream
When the book came apart at the seam.
For it seems in her haste,
That instead of the paste,
She'd applied contraceptical cream.
--- David Finely

No matter how much must be spent,
A young couple is firmly intent
Upon finding in haste
A solvent for paste.
Reward. Call John Kelly of Kent.
--- A N Wilkins P8703

There was a young fairy named Gray
Who dated a Lesbian one day.
They agreed that they knew
Who'd do what, how, to who,
But they could not agree who should pay.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0821

That queer from Khartoum in his room
Will never get near that girl's womb.
She can draw him a map,
Even give him a slap,
But his prick won't inflate, I assume.
--- Tutta Gioia

A dyke and a homo named Groom,
Were planning their soon honeymoon.
Groom said, "Oh my dear,
It is not very clear,
About who will be doing what to whom."
--- Anon

"That's nothing," said Francis with gloom,
"Just listen to my tale of doom,
Of sadly mixed sexes
And weirdo complexes,
My date was this creep from Khartoum."
--- Ed Potts P8507

This is file shm

A skeleton once in Khartoum
Invited a ghost to his room.
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
As to who should be frightened of whom.
--- Linda Marsh Coll P0310

Michael J. and Madonna did fume
At each other when in the bedroom,
And they argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what and impregnate whom.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9701

There was an old bloke of Khartoum
Who once kept seven sheep in his room.
I do not tell you this
To imply it's remiss,
Just to say that he bought a large broom.
--- David A Brooks Q

There was a young scientist named Glass,
Who encased both his balls in bright brass.
When he jogged in the morning,
Without any warning,
Sheet lightning would shoot from his ass.
--- David A Brooks Q

Do you remember poor Glass? He still rants
After one of his jogs down in Hants.
The brassy-ball charge
Made his member, once large,
A charred victim of amps in his pants.
--- David A Brooks Q

There was a young girl of Madras,
Who wore a skirt made of grass.
The reason I know her?
I used a lawn mower
In a manner decidedly crass.
--- MrMalo

There once was a girl named McWrath
Who had a magnificent snath.
Not furry and pink
As you probably think;
It was wood, had a blade, and cut grath!

(snath - handle of a scythe)
--- Martin Wellborn A

Down the privy fell old mister Byrd;
His shouting for help was not heard.
They fill in the pit
And now it's a crypt
Where the body of Byrd is interred.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

Must be fate, but a fellow named Clyde
Also fell through an outhouse and cried
That it's dark, yet he sees
Next, a big pile of feces,
Then remains of the Brothers McBride.
--- Armand Singer

To the morgue they brought both brothers McBride,
And the coroner had to decide
How to write the reports --
A dilemma of sorts --
Disinterred and In Turd both applied.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2952

There once was a guy named Mcbride,
Who fell in a horse barn and died.
And along came is brother
Who fell in another,
And now they're installed side by side.
--- Arthur Deex P9504

The holes in the outhouse were wide;
So no wonder the boys fell inside.
And now they're interred
Under ten tons of turd,
From a ride through a Hyde house outside.
--- L Kintz

There was a young lady of Kent
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
Gave her chocolates and wine,
She knew that it meant harassment.
--- David Finely P9712a

There once was a monk in Siberia,
Whose existence grew steadily drearier,
Till he broke from his cell
With a hell of a yell
And eloped with Irving Superior

(I S - prolific long time limerick author)
--- Anon

There once was a monk in Siberia,
Whose existence grew steadily drearier
Till he broke from his cell...
"Have a monk with me dwell?
I'll see you in Court, (THE SUPERIOR)."
--- Irving Superior

There once was a man with a beard
Who said, "It is just as I feared.
I'm infested with nests
Of six-legged pests,
From one of those orphans I reared.
--- Hugh Clary

A spry little man from Nantucket,
Picked up an oyster to suck it;
But it did him no good,
For in his way stood,
The shell, and no knife to shuck it.
--- Anon

A learned young lady of Shoreham
Made newspaper dresses and woreham.
When news got around,
She was very soon found
Wearing new ones, not wishing to boreham.
--- David A Brooks Q

A nit and a gnat in a net
Were trapped and had started to fret.
"Let's git!" said the nit.
"Let's scat!" said the gnat.
So they shot, hot to trot, in duet.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There once was a young man from Norway,
Who carried his bride through the doorway,
Where he poked at her pink
Every way he could think,
Till he just couldn't think of one more way.
--- MrMalo

There was a young lady from Norway
Who hung by her toes from the doorway.
She said to her man:
"Get off that divan,
I think I've discovered one more way!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101

Her boy-friend, a butcher, who'd swung,
Said: "You look so excitingly young,
And the looks of your rear
Is like venison, dear:
I have learned it is better, when hung!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101

The randy young couple from Norway
Would look for a never-before-way:
A shore-way, a sore-way,
A fictional whore-way,
And a discotheque, down-on-the-floor-way.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101

There was a young lady from Nod
Who wanted a baby from God,
'Twas not the Almighty
That crawled up her nightie,
It was the vicar, the dirty old sod.
--- Anon

To a gaucho I met in St. Thomas,
I mentioned I tried in St Palmas
The Numero Uno
That was boasted by Bruno,
And discovered diviness St Llamas.
--- Anon

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There are things that I do know:
Fornication's perverse;
Bestiality's worse;
And chastity's numero uno.
--- David Finely P9712a

This is the man from Peru
Who had nothing better to do,
Than put flamae to the gas
That he'd pass from his ass.
'Twas the night he ate beans and he flew!
--- Frank Fazed

Is this the same man of Peru
Who dropped his socks in the stew?
Then I think that maybe
Boiling them in gravy
Would make them easier to chew.
--- Bob Mornington

I sat by the Rabbi at tea.
He asked "Do you pray when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you chant when you shit?"
And silently laughed in my glee.
--- T Arnold

Wicked madam, aware of God's plan,
Determinedly takes him in hand;
Hey, why aim to enthral?
When a hand round these balls,
Gets her total control of her man!
--- Tony Crafter P0506

Oh Limmers all, please do not trust
The words of the Reverend Thrust.
He deflowers owls
With demonic howls,
And a little green lizard what bust!
--- Anon

A girl from Belfast name of Alice,
Drew rude things on the Vatican Palace.
She said, "Now this deed
Comes from aesthetic need,
And not from a Protestant malice."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

There was a young lady from Niger
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With his stripes on her hide,
She's already skinned Peter and Igor.
--- Esther Koch P0107

There once was a maid from BLIGHTY
Who thought babies a gift of the Almighty.
But it wasn't the Lord
Whose priapus soared,
As he lifted the hem of her nightie.
--- Norm Brust