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There was an old actress named Brenda Whenever I'm heaped with opprobium, There once was a Paph in a pot, A young Cattleya grower named Bunny They called him botanical Billy, Horticultural life is for me, A young man who fucks knotholes in trees, Be he victim or vandal or sleaze, A herbaceous gardner named Bowers There once was a rose so red, The secret of Rhodo and Phil A young man from Bonneville Cays Hibiscus is flaming and frillier. My geraniums, fuschias and phlox I've flowered, rather like a snapdragon, Planted daffodils all in a row Why is a chrysanthemum mum? A talkative lady named Frost, The Arum is truly titanic; The biggest flower in the garden, The titan it has just one leaf, When Dante descended to hell, This corpse flower with a foul smell, When I saw the Titan I yelled! The most interesting plant that I've seen is I came down to look at the lily; I'm told in the dead of the night, There once was a phallus-like flower A tulip bulb, down in Australia, I went to the store to buy plants; Musaceous may sound rather grim, Lazed many a hot summer day, Bananas are not what I measure; Straight bananas in Queensland are nil, Ceriman is a mighty fine fruit, You'll see blackthorns 'round each lovely bend There are really no ifs and no buts; Yellow blooms, with your delicate shape, A he-melon suffering droop When you think of the hosts without No. What's reddish and roundish and hairy, Anjon, Bosc, Cornice pears, don't you see, Go on, do not be so suspicious Let the Peanut-Allergic Board notes No need for the wisdom of Plato There once was a man named Huntz, Said Sonia of Staraya Russa: (Musa - genus of the banana)
Each botany student this week Of course it's a blithering hoax There once was a schoolboy named Mark, Remember the girls here all trust There was a tree surgeon named Dwight, A badly skinned fellow named Knight Now, I am a tree, born of Pappy, On the sidewalk, my paper bag sags; And so, watch the life cycle go, But up that young tree like a pole, Man, as earth's steward, obviously, Said Dendrochonologist Stone, I'd much rather lurk the boundary, A botany student named Lee A tree-surgeon, though a skilled chap, An old lumberjack named Freeze A perverted young girl of Three Rivers It was right in the middle of winter Philosopher Arthur C Clark, There once was a logger named Earl
(She starred in the Prisoner of Zenda)
Her manners were gracious
Her orchids vandaceous,
And she had a real good Ascocenda.
--- Betts
I gaze at my post of dendrobium,
My spicy anosum,
I know it will grow some
And be worth of a place on the podium.
--- Betts
Which wanted to bloom but could not.
We gave it, in time,
Some water and lime,
And now the old Paph blooms a lot!
--- Joe
Claimed that her orchids were funny.
She tickled their lips
With colchicine strips
And grew in Plutonium honey!
--- Tim
On account of his wonderful willy.
Its shaft was all dark
And covered with bark,
While his foreskin looked just like a lily.
--- Steve Pridgeon
Sowing seeds with abandon and glee;
My Kniphofia grows
'Mid the bushes of Rose,
And Petunia, Heather, and thee.
--- Peter Wilkins
Says revenge is his reason, and he's
Had relations with shrubs,
Since the best garden clubs
Snubbed his purple and pink peonies.
--- Anon
He ignores Pete the Park Ranger's pleas:
Not to put on a condom,
Pete says, is beyond him,
These days what with Dutch Elm Disease.
--- Anon
Tried keep his mind off his flowers.
But their pistels and stamens
(The sex parts, you laymens)
Kept pollen grains flying in showers.
--- Archie
It existed where buried Ceasers bled.
This rose it cried
As one day it died;
Some cretin had chopped off it's head.
--- Anon
No longer can I keep it still.
Rhodo Dendron
Philo Dendron
And happiness evermore will.
--- Irving Superior P9809
Grew potatoes out of both knees.
On the end of his nose
Grew a rare kind of rose,
And you'll never guess where he grew these!
--- Bill Wall
Oleander is neater and chillier.
Frangipani smell sweeter
But is somehow effeter
Than a tower of puce Bouganvillea.
--- Ruth Silcock
Are surrounded by hedges of box,
Which I planted to keep
Out my good neighbor's sheep,
But they still eat my roses and stocks.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9809
Though my willpower fell off the wagon.
The result (oh what guilt)
Is I can't wear a kilt.
I mean most of me's snapped or it's draggin'.
--- Doug Harris P0606
And was proud as I watched them all grow.
"I'm a gardening wizard,"
I thought; then a blizzard
Dumped twenty-five inches of snow.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9809
It is true that all flowers are dumb.
Much like a giraffe,
They can't even laugh.
That's why a chrysanthemums mum!
--- Tom Patton P9809
Who purchased some plants at great cost,
Spoke to each in rotation,
Till, to her consternation,
One replied, "Stop your chatter -- get lost!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
It's shape is a bit of quite phallic.
It's a hit on the nose
And it grows and it grows,
And is housed in the Gardens, Botanic.
--- Brendon Allawah
Take a whiff and say I beg your pardon.
It's bad on the nose,
And unlike a rose,
It's more like an elephant fartin'.
--- Geoff
Which faded and to our disbelief,
Up came a huge flower
Which grew by the hour;
Of lilies worldwide, it's the chief.
--- Angela M
He must have encountered this smell.
A lily eternal!
Putrid! Infernal!
Magnifico, grande, and bel!
--- Eileen Maroubra
Is a huge deformed penis as well.
It seems a bit silly
To call it a lily;
It's more like the Blossom from Hell!
--- Bunny H
It was not the size but the smell.
"You're just the thing;
Lots of pollen, no sting.
I'm a carrion beetle under your spell!"
--- Lowana C
A flower in the Sydney Green'us,
At which everybody gawps
'Cause it smells like a corpse
And looks like a huge deformed penis.
--- John J
I thought it would be rather silly.
It looked a bit weird,
Like it was growing a beard,
And my mum says it's name means a willy.
--- Rory K
In the rainforest, well out of sight,
The worst flower in town
Lets its red curtains down,
And releases a smell that's a fright!
--- Kate V
Whose stench was quite pungently dour.
Let's hope to preserve it
So we all can observe it,
Its presence, its size, and its power.
--- Blair P
Exclaimed, "I'm a terrible failure!
I grew in my sleep,
But I've just had a peep,
And I think I've come up as a dahlia."
--- Funfax Limericks
The clerk gave a fine song and dance.
He didn't know roses
From elephant's noses,
And treated butterfly larva as ants.
--- R G Trepanier
But ladies, quite proper and prim,
From both North and South,
Shove them into their mouth.
Bananas also fit a quim.
--- Larry Davis P8712a
Down the Susquehanna to play.
But I never knew,
That bananas there grew;
Brought my own, se llama Jose.
--- Anon
I'd rather casabas to treasure.
I lick Carol's pair,
Causing RanDog to stare,
Wishing he too could harvest at leisure.
--- Anon
This is file qtm
To put the bend in requires no skill;
On the plains they're unbent,
So the growers all went
And grew them on the side of a hill.
--- Anon
Ma grew in her greenhouse to boot
Philodendron Monstera
Of this fruit is the bear-a.
Unlike beans, it won't make you toot!
--- Anon
If you cruise England's waterways, friend.
Though their little sour plums,
On their own, wrinkle gums;
In sloe gin, they're a heavenly blend.
--- David A Brooks
The boys are displaying some guts.
My team seeks to thrill;
It's like watching Brazil!
Not the team I'm afraid, but the nuts .
--- Doug Harris P0509
Yielding oil from your seed, like the grape:
Why the name of canola,
Is it just to console a
Consumer who's frightened of rape?
--- Anon
Spied a she-melon round as a hoop,
And he beamed as he said,
"Come away, let's be wed."
But she sighed and she said, "Canteloupe"
--- Peter Wilkins
Who are slain by the deadly cuco.
It's quite a mistake,
Of such food to partake,
It results in a permanent slo.
--- Anon (Reed) (Bibby)
And hangs from a bush light and airy;
Often hidden away
From the broad light of day,
Beneath a stiff prick -- A gooseberry.
--- G0351A
Bartlett's and Prickly ones are for me.
Every species I savor.
Among them I've no favor-
ite. With me they've achieved parity.
--- L C Fitzhugh P0112
About whether that mushroom's nutritious.
Just try it; it's cool;
It's not a toadstool,
And the aftereffects are delicious.
--- Anon
Show we've got a new head: Redswell Bloats.
"I'm not nuts!": these staunch words
Helped him garner two-thirds
Of the goober-naytorial votes.
--- Anon
To know you can't wed a potato:
All planning is futile
For tuber ain't utile
For mating -- so pick a tomato.
--- R J Winkler P8405
Who planted an acre of cunts.
They came up in the fall,
Pubic hair and all;
Huntz ate cunts for months.
--- Anon
"By Stalin! Why can't I seduce a
Young man to my bed?
I must keep there instead
The fruit of a species of Musa.
--- John Leighly G2213a
A plant he will study must seek
The girl in row three
Very quick, took a pea,
While the student in back took a leek.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0212
About acorns engendering oaks;
And yet I've perceived
It is widely believed
By all sorts and conditions of folks.
--- Lims Unlimited
Afraid of the trees in the dark.
His friends said, "Poor mite,
Do you think they will bite?"
He said, "No, I'm afraid of their bark!"
--- Anon
That you don't have "Arboreal Rust".
It's a nasty disease,
Oft affecting the knees,
And turns torsos and trunks into dust.
--- Anon
Who had an incredible fright.
While curing a tree
It alarmed him to see
That it's bark was much worse than its blight!
--- Reminisce P9310
Was chased up a tree in a fright
By a dog that just nipped him,
But the tree badly stripped him,
And the bark was much worse than the bite.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2647
And until just today, I was happy.
But some folks annoy me
And nearly destroy me.
When they, without guile, call me sappy.
--- Al Willis P9809
It splits open; stuff zigs and stuff zags;
Birds fly off with the goods,
Eat and poop in the woods;
Grows more trash trees, for cheap grocery bags.
--- Allen Wolverton
Like a fan -- she suck and she blow.
When beans in a bag
Are spilled by a fag,
In the woods, they've nowhere to go.
--- Brian
Where they soak up the air and old Sol,
With botanical arts,
They lock up the farts
That, eaten by humans, they dole!
--- Brian
Will cause all forests to the last tree,
To soon disappear
And in their places rear
Habitats for inhumanity.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0503
"I wait 'fore I pick up da phone.
I tellin' ya so dat
Ya know where I am at.
I answer after tree rings alone."
--- Tom Patton P0412
Than expose myself in a tree.
But a citizen must do
All that he can do...
It's his Duty to save his Country.
--- Anon
Fell madly in love with a tree.
Each knothole with care
He embellished with hair.
And went wild on a tree-fucking spree.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G2156
Couldn't master one great handicap;
For despite being good
Treating sickness in wood,
He's faint at the mere sight of sap.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9411
Spent his life fucking knotholes in trees.
He said, "In the summer,
It sure is a bummer,
If you don't check them for bees."
--- Skumbunny
Gives her sisters a case of the shivers;
Sexy spasms has she,
Rubbing up on a tree,
And again when extracting the slivers.
--- Keith MacMillan 44cA
Bill ran there as fast as a sprinter
But he was so damned hot
The dumbass plumb forgot
With *virgin* you get a big splinter.
--- Anon
Thought dogs climbed up trees after dark.
He told Billy Atkins,
"They're chewing the catkins,
You listen, you'll hear the tree bark."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who thought he'd give trees a whirl.
He's in pain, alas,
For it came to pass,
The tree was the home of a squirrel.
--- Skumbunny
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