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I got tired of just whiling away If your little thing stands up for me, While gathering onions, Nicholas There's a neighborhood out in the 'burbs, "My advice," said a cockster named Dietz, (Urushial in poison ivy)
I'm Hakim, from Oman (States Trucial), An old horticulturalist, Tatum, A gardening friend gave me hope Salix discolor's an odd sort of phyllo; Horticulturalist Pierre Lebeau "Your rhubarb, I've noticed it grows I just played the Grim Reaper today; A botanist, growing a plant, There was a young girl from Naupactus My balls? My dear, I haven't got any! (rhatany - dried root of two species of scroph)
"Can't you fools see where this is all leading, Young Geraldine Smith's one of them that is Echinacea is horrible stuff! A bashful young mushroom named Gus Old Marg was the spice of Herb's life -- One day while they looked in the myrrh, (Basil, (the scallion!), sheds cloves The Spurge went out cruisin' for Chickweed, I'm informed Gregor Mendel has said, When he'd wander around without clothes, We have here a woman of needs Horticulture uplifts Arthur Deex (Arthur Deex editor of Pentatette)
A short-sighted gardener named Brown Phil Stein was a botanist who Some friends had asked me to meet 'em I talked to an onion this week I submit there's an obvious link Horticulturally speaking I'm not There once was a man from Cleves, A man had considerable woes; A husband who lived in Ansonia Purple cornflower, herbal of old, On seeing or smelling a rose Sweet plant flower secretion, NECTAR, Among my better garden spots, The forsythias, yellow and bright, The garden's a blooming bouquet, There was a professor of Botany Whenever I am passing by, I once had a White Hollyhock I once had a Black Hollyhock Then there's that sweet Daffodil In truth, I admit I was plastered Jack-in-the-Pulpit are "Cobra Plants", The Aroid, Arisaema triphyllum, I call my girl Jack-in-the-Pulpit A green-fingered lass called Veronica My old horticultural mate A nun in a convent in Bray, Today I woke up with a yawn The woman who grew meconopsis (meconopsis is hard-to-grow Himalayan blue poppy)
Old Charlie spends all of his hours When Algernon Smith from Australia A botanist grew a rosebud, A bold and quite lecherous anther A rose by any other name... I tend to my orchids each day; A man, though well-liked by the gals, There once was a girl named Amanda There was a Vandaceous collector, Ascondas will grow in the trees
The dusk to dawn hours each day.
I know it sounds corny,
But he only gets horny
In a photosynthetical way.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I will surely show respect for thee.
I'd cut off your treasure,
If it shows a good measure,
And use it as my phylactery.
--- Anon
Heard one whisper, "He's going to pickle us."
He replied, "Don't be silly,
I preferr piccalilli,
Not onions, that would be ridiculous."
--- Funfax Limericks
That is heavily into their herbs;
They've planted them down
All over the town;
On the street sides, along all the curbs.
--- Cap'n Bean P9809
"If you crave total bliss `tween the sheets,
Before sex (this is crucial),
Smear your dick with urushial;
Kiss goodbye to all flat-tasting sweets."
--- Armand Singer
I worship great sex; it's what's crucial;
To achieve the full measure
Of erotical pleasure,
I dunk my hot prick in urushiol. (poison ivy oil)
--- Armand Singer
Kept parrots and said, "How I hate 'em.
My Mesembryanthemum,
Spurge and Chrysanthemum ,
Died because Polygonatum."
--- Peter Wilkins P9807a
When he gave me a heliotrope
In a pot as a gift,
But as soon as I sniffed
It, I knew it was probably dope.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9809
I mused, laying back on my pillow.
In a dioecious genus,
Some are male (without penis)
Yet somehow it's called "pussy willow!"
--- Knotweed
Is a friendly young Frenchman I know.
He'll yell out "Bon Jour,"
As he shovels manure,
While reciting "You'll reap what you sow!"
--- Bob Birch P9808
By the outhouse, where everyone goes!"
Grandad said, "Lad,
It isn't so bad.
They're family. Just people we knows!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Mowed my lawn all by hand, all the way --
I was using a scythe!
You don't fear for your life?
Someone care for a roll in the hay?
--- Anon
Was approached by a very old ant,
Who said to the botanist,
"Your plants are the rottenest,
Since those of Ulysses S. Grant."
--- Lims Unlimited
Who had an affair with a cactus.
Though she tried many tricks
And endured many pricks,
Still the cactus is virgo intactus.
--- Michelle Lorvic P2006
My sex life's an "Intro to Botany;"
These ulcers? Good gracious!
Scrophulariaceous
Reminders I dab with raw rhatany.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8512
This nightmare of selective breeding?"
He spat on the ground
And then turned around,
And continued on with his weeding.
--- VOL 7 a
So keen on her garden, (a gem that is,)
Lads get a surprise,
When, skirt round her thighs,
She willingly shows off her clematis.
--- Anon
Never had it but I've had enough.
I can smell it from here;
It makes shit appear
To be farts through a pink powder puff.
--- Karen
Went courting his girl with a fuss;
He shyly pursued her
And anxiously wooed her --
Ecstatic, she yelled, "SOME FUNGUS!"
--- R J Winkler P8405
Henbane of existence, his wife.
Had no money! (Oh rue!)
Their lovage was true --
They wondered how they could loose strife.
--- Anon
Old Herb, (parsley deaf) did bestir.
Coriander group
Of nudists on the stoop,
Asked "May we rent land from you, sir?"
--- Anon
Endives underneath the oak groves.)
"You see that nut, Meg?
Anise naked peg?!
Soon they'll be cumin in droves."
--- Anon
His only thought scatterin' plantseed.
The herbicide got 'im,
'Fore Dad Ragweed caught 'im;
New little weeds trying to quick breed.
--- Anon
"This is gospel, so please have it spread.
My research with sweet peas
Made me violently sneeze,
So I just stuck with cactus instead."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9809
She called him a thorn on the rose.
When he asked her why,
She gave this reply:
"I've often been pricked-on by those."
--- Fred Cohen P8312
Requesting the planting of seeds.
I think I will toil
At tilling her soil,
If only to see where it leads.
--- Anon
As he strolls by the glades and the creeks
Where young lovers abound
And the rushes resound
With the high inspiration he seeks.
--- John E Mayhood P9809a
Planted some trees upside-down.
The fruit turned out soggy
And tasted all boggy,
But the roots were the finest in town.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Took dates to his greenhouse to screw.
When his wife heard, of course,
She sued for divorce
Citing Phil as a wandering Jew.
--- Anon
At our great local arboretum.
But on the date they appointed,
They were sure disappointed,
Because I never got there to greet 'em.
--- Popsicle TP9807
But she cried when she started to speak;
For she said she'd been left
All alone and bereft
When her boyfriend went out for a leek.
--- Peter Wilkins
You might miss if your eye would just blink.
Cash could be the mulch or
Jewels could lead to culture
Any whore, but then who'd make her think?
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9809
Very good, though I give it a shot.
But I feel such a failure;
My roses and dahlia
Are dying from leaf mould and rot.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9809
This is file qum
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
In half of an hour,
His dick was a flower,
And his ass was a bundle of weeds.
--- Anon
His magnolias grew from his toes.
But the strangest of all
Was what grew from his ball
Was a beautiful prize-winning rose.
--- Laurence E Bernstein
Made fun of his spouse's begonia;
The plant, miffed at that,
Gave its mistress a pat,
And gave him a squirt of ammonia.
--- Alsops Foibles
Echinacea's tea for the bold.
Also known as black sampson,
This flower slaps clamp on
Fatigue that invites common cold.
--- Carol June Hooker
The usual comments are "Oh's."
But when one is picked
And if one is pricked,
A viler type comment arose.
--- Irving Superior P9809
Attacts birds and bees with detector,
To find nascent honey,
On days bright and sunny.
They don't know they're the gene pool protector.
--- Daniel Ford
I planted some "forget-me-nots."
I drew a map with care
And placed the map somewhere,
Among my more disturbing thoughts.
--- Irving Superior P9809
Have been blooming with all of their might;
As the frost fades away
With the winter, so gray;
Such a warm and enlivening sight!
--- Cap'n Bean P0606
In the month we refer to as May;
Where the colors abound
And the flowers astound,
With their glorious fragrant display.
--- Cap'n Bean P0406
Who his students called Dr. Monotony.
He'd drone on for hours
On the sex lives of flowers.
Of his own, they alleged, he'd not got any.
--- Laurence Perrine P9409
To my Hibiscus I say, "Hi."
And when I reach the gate,
As though we had a date,
To my Biennials I "Bye."
--- Irving Superior P9809
Whom I screwed every hour by the clock.
Then my mother came in
And caught us in sin,
And promptly dropped dead from the shock.
--- John Miller
Whose cunt was closed up with a lock.
In a move I thought droll,
I screwed the key-hole,
But that kind of messed up my cock.
--- John Miller
Who erred in not taking The Pill.
So she paid the price
Of engaging in vice.
And I, sir, am paying it still.
--- John Miller
The night that I fathered that bastard.
What I've had to pay
For that roll in the hay,
Makes my paycheck pass through like a fast turd.
--- John Miller
"Indian Turnips" another nuance.
Its oxalic acid
Can make your thing flaccid,
But cooking will avoid all mischance.
--- David Miller
Is of the Araceae subphylum.
It's not a good snack.
Eat Pulpit-with-Jack
And you'll likely end up in asylum.
--- David Miller
'Cause her clit grows so big when I gulp it;
Yet her quim is quite tight,
When she does it just right;
She can suck in my peter and pulp it.
--- John Miller
Grew a prize-winning, bright red japonica.
So how did she nourish
The plant -- make it flourish?
She played to it on her harmonica.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Says the Hollyhock isn't so great.
So I'll plant in your bower
A Kniphofia flower,
Upon which you care to gyrate.
--- Sweet P
Saw her roses go into decay.
Reverend Mother said, "Dear,
Please no longer fear.
Here's liquid manure, let us spray."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
And went down to the garden at dawn,
Where I gasped in surprise
At the height and the size
Of the thistles invading the lawn.
--- Peter J Wilkins P9809
Was asked to give a synopsis.
"How can I," she cried,
"When all of them died,
Do more that describe their autopsies?"
--- Mason Phelps P9711
In sunshine and thundery showers,
Perfecting the lingo
Of plant life and bingo!
His mesembryanthemum flowers.
--- Peter Wilkins
Tried to breed a glorious new dahlia,
He first got it talking,
And then it went walking
But making it hop was a failure.
--- Funfax Limericks
That once fell in love with a dud.
But he interfered
As nuptuals neared,
And he nipped the thing right in the bud.
--- Al Willis P9809
Found a stigma and tried to enchanther.
She found it appallin'
That he had no pollen,
So he gave up his plans to romanther.
--- Al Willis P9809
So Irving (other name) became.
But folks began to sniff
And when they got a whiff,
Agreed they do not smell the same.
--- Irving Superior P9809
At night unto Jesus I pray:
"Please spare my Lycaste
From slugs that are nasty;
They munch all the new growth away.
--- Joe
Preferred to consort with his Phals.
With Girls, sex was enigma,
Give him anthers and stigma,
'Cause orchids were his very best pals.
--- Buz
Whose family heard her demand a
Plant that would flower
In a beautiful shower,
So they happily bought her a Vanda.
--- Betts
Who fell for a postal inspector.
He cured all her blahs
With the best Yip Sum Wahs,
For for imports he had to reject her!
--- Tim
And Laelias bloom in the breeze.
But they died in my pot,
And for why, I know not.
Perhaps they don't like a good freeze!
--- Joe
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