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'Tis liquor we swig when we mingle; A drunken old tar from St. Clements, In a barroom just south of Trafalgar Square, An angry old drunk was so pissed, A corporate youth while quite tipsy I tossed off a bumper of grog, A Halloween bash in my street There was an old toper in Otto, A drunk who had nothing to lose Whenever he'd taken a quart He left the bar, 'cross the street dashed. It begins with a sip, but a sip'll I think, therefore I am, I think Archie
Billy once bought a large jug of juice, A scion of Boston Society For Hippies and Beats, the Fleadh Ceoil There was an old man in a trunk Crooned a whimsical King of Siam An Aussie whom friends say is riotous, It sounds like a scene very bad, There was an old Fellow of Trinity, In saloons around town, Titus Boynts A fellow I knew nicknamed Jimbo There once was a big boy named Clay "Gadzooks!" said Sir Percy Wynn-Jones, I be just come home from the pub, At Fiona I made a swift pass -- I couldn't resist that girl's charm There once was a fellow named Joe There once was a man who drank liquor. If there's one thing you have surely mastered, Thinking and drinking don't mix; A bridegroom who hailed from Poughkeepsie My Charlie was drinkin' last night, Said a hideous spinster from Oldham, As a C.P.A.'s mistress complains, There was an old drunkard from Devon, The bartender asked a man there There once was a fellow who drank A word of advice, you dumb bastard: A Korean whose home was in Seoul, There once was a barber called Hone, Little old ladies in tennis shoes Uncle Dougal loves the strong stuff; Good heavens, I think I'm a monk, While befuddled with booze, Mr. Astor, I drink and I drank and I'm drunk. I think that I thought that I thunk There was an old man of Lahore From the pub I am home (no, not pissed) Said a blind man by the name of Dale, Young Sven was big help in a fog; The story, immoral I fear, The policeman said "Intoxicated!" (pottle - half gallon)
When guzzled a large excess, A Jew and a Scotsman, found 'tight', I once played a ghost, just pretend, Such well-winded sheets, did they scare There was an old fellow named Sidney, There was a young fellow from Kent, I'm sitting at work like a drudge; She confided one day to the Vicar: There once was a midget named Carr, There was a young man named Malone I was driving along in my car, A well-built teenager, a punk
It makes the blood seethe; the brain tingle.
Too much causes trouble
It makes one see double
And in some situations, feel single.
--- Bob Giandomenico P8803
To ward off the scurvy, sucked lemons.
"With my health unimpaired,
I have time," he declared,
"To die of delirium tremens."
--- John Ciardi
And elephant sat with a clown and a bear.
The clown waxed poetic,
(His poems were pathetic)
But his friends were too wasted to care.
--- W Haskins
That he swung at a punk, though he missed.
He stumbled and slurred,
"You were lucky, you turd,
But your friend there is next on my list."
--- Anon
Was counselled by a palm-reading gypsy.
"If you took half the pains
Of those in White Plains,
You'd live in Armonk, not Poughkeepsie."
--- William J Wilson P0607
And then entered a two-week long fog;
Then I salted and peppered
My poor German Shepherd
And swallowed the hair and the dog!
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
Was a night that will never repeat.
The spirits that come
Were tequila and rum,
And I ended up drunk on my feet.
--- Anon
Whose condition was totally blotto.
And he said, "There are bears
At the top of the stairs,"
In a voice befittingly sotto.
--- Lims Unlimited
Was arrested for a public snooze.
Proclaimed when he was freed
"No applause do I need;
I'm much happier with all the booze."
--- Susan Jane Driver
This sailor had need of support.
When full was the carboy, he'd
List to the starboard,
When empty he listed to port.
--- Laurence Perrine P8403
In his mind, scenes of life flashed,
Just before he was struck
By an eighteen wheel truck.
An autopsy showed he was smashed.
--- Observer
Turn rapidly into a tipple.
The tipple repeated,
The drunkard unseated.
He'll drown in a flood as a ship'll.
--- Laurence Perrine P8403
I am, therefore I think (or drink).
I think I will mull
It over until
I've thunk a new drink to be think!
--- Archie
And drank till he felt he might slug a moose,
But instead bashed away
At his favorite toupee --
Now he's serving a sentence for rug abuse.
--- Norm Storer P9207
Was pinched, and for mere impropriety.
"I will lay in the gutter,
And refuse to utter
One word in defense of sobriety."
--- Conrad Aiken
Brings alcohol bliss to the soul.
A Hippie to fill
Takes twelve pints and a gill,
While six bars to each Beat is their goal.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Who inquired of his wife, "Am I drunk?"
She replied with regret,
"I'm afraid so, my pet."
And he answered, "It's just as I thunk"
--- Ogden Nash
To his drinking pal, Omar Khayyam,
"Whoo and toot-toot,
They say you're astute,
But right now you're drunker than I am!"
--- Bennet Cerf Coll P9210
In court he did plead, "No lie -- it is
Quite true I'm no monk;
I'm still so damned drunk,
I don't rightly know just what day it is."
--- Armand Singer P0402
To drink all the booze to be had.
One wonders the source,
The answer, of course,
They learned it from their dear old Dad!
--- Chris Papa
A doctor well versed in Divinity;
But he took to free-thinking,
And then to deep drinking,
And so had to leave the vicinity.
--- Arthur C Hilton
With strong spirits his gullet anoints.
His wife told him, "Titus,
You're just like arthritis;
You get stiff in all of the joints."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8803
Got bombed and attempted to limbo;
He got down so far
As the 8-inch high bar;
Now his arms and his legs are akimbo.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
Who would search for the hookers all day.
He'd find a drunk chick
To tug on his dick,
But his stomach would get in the way.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"That booze is rotting my bones.
It's turning my eyes
Into little pork pies,
And my credit accounts into loans."
--- Mike O'Conner
Where I had a nice bit of grub,
And a nice pint or two
Of that Old Country Brew,
Or three or four, that's the rub...
--- Tiddy Ogg
That's the barmaid, a fair Scottish lass;
But she slapped my face.
I was in disgrace,
And was thrown straight out on the grass.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And I really did do her no harm.
Just one little grope --
Now I feel like a dope
And I'm banned from the Rat Catchers Arms.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who lost all his 'get up and go'.
Almost without thinking,
He went heavy drinking,
And found an astonishing flow!
--- Jean Fox
Now he can get it all quicker.
He'll buy it on credit,
On his grave they will tread it:
Our problems get sicker and sicker.
--- Joel Rutledge, Dem P9503
It's the talent for getting quite plastered.
Your sisters and brothers
Were sober as mothers,
So it's possible you were a love child.
--- Al Willis TP9804A
The mind starts to play silly tricks.
It thinks all is fine;
I'm having a good time;
Is that seven I've had or just six?
--- Tony Burrell
Swilled beer until getting real tipsy.
He missed his own wedding
Toward which he was heading,
And wound up in bed with a Gypsy.
--- Armand E Singer 422
This is file qim
Got into a terrible fight.
I talked to the Doc,
He says Charlie's in shock,
But he thinks that my Momma's alright.
--- Observer
"If you find a good man, you must hold him;
When he comes home dead drunk,
And smell worse than a skunk,
Never nag him, reproach him, or scold him.
--- Armand E Singer 863
When he's soused, his virility wanes.
So I get, when he drinks,
A male asset that shrinks,
And no cervical capital gains.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Who died and ascended to Heaven.
But he cried, "This is Hades,
There are no naughty ladies,
And the pubs are all shut by eleven."
--- O'Rourkes Pub P0204
To drive home a man passed out in the next chair.
He dragged the man home,
Where the wife did bemoan:
"That's fine, but where's his wheelchair?"
--- Res Ipsa
And whose mind would often go blank.
When the nurse called "George" or "Bill",
He'd answer her, still,
His name was neither, 'twas Frank.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Never drive, shoot, or screw when you're plastered.
For you tend to forget
When your pecker is wet,
The mechanical tricks that you've mastered.
--- G2251
Had notions uncommonly droll.
He'd get himself stewed,
And pose in the nude
From the top of a telephone pole.
--- Arthur Deex
A young man of considerable tone.
He would tell you when drunk,
"I smell like a skunk,"
But the odor was Eau de Cologne.
--- Anon
Fill any ship on which I cruise.
So it's not the Love Boat
On which I will float,
Just an excuse to drown in good booze.
--- Harry Rubin P9108
He tallies his drinks on his cuff.
He gets rather bolder
As it reaches his shoulder.
By then he has sure that's enough.
--- Tony Burrell
Either that or I'm terribly drunk;
For I've peered down my shorts
And had horrible thoughts
For I think that my thingy has shrunk!
--- Anon
Made a pass at a statue of plaster.
When informed of his error,
His mind filled with terror.
"What a blessing", he said, "I'm not faster."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Then sink, till I'm sank, then quite sunk.
But still I am muddled,
Completely befuddled,
Though I think and I've thank till I'm thunk.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That to drink is to drank until drunk.
When I reach for the door,
It's my face on the floor;
On the planks I lay planked and kerplunk.
--- Eric Hinds
Who came home as drunk as a boar.
He put his dog Fife
Into bed with his wife,
And he threw himself outside the door.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2653
And there's hardly a thing that I've missed.
Though the raffle... Who won
Trips to Dublin? That's fun,
But I'm sober (though I won't insist).
--- Anon
"Something happens to me without fail.
This is no bunk,
When I get drunk,
I'm feeling double when I read Braille."
--- Tom Patton P9708
His shipmates would ply him with GLOGG,
And there in the bows,
With a well-lit nose,
They'd follow the doughty sea-dog.
--- Chris Papa
Encouraged strong liquor and beer.
'Twas cleaned up by Norse,
And renamed, of course,
To star Rudolph, Santa's reindeer.
--- Chris Papa
But Henry stood up and debated:
"After months off the bottle
I'd just found a pottle,
And was naturally feeling elated."
--- Laurence Perrine P8403
The ethanol makes a great mess.
Antifreeze to some,
While others act dumb,
And in evolution regress.
--- Chris Papa
Were charged by a bobby, one night.
But the judge slyly winks;
"Where's the man who bought drinks?
He's the culprit, if I judge them right."
--- P8111
On Halloween night with a friend;
We drank quarts of brandy
And doled out the candy;
Our costumes? Three sheets to the wind!
--- Travis Brasell
The kids that sought candy to spare.
Though close is the call
That night in the Fall,
Where beans, I would guess, fouled the air?
--- Matthew Montchalin
Who drank 'til he ruined a kidney.
It shriveled and shrank,
As he sat there and drank,
But he had a good time of it, didn't he?
--- Don Marquis
Who drank till he grew redolent.
He wasn't so rank
That you could say he stank,
But downwind he gave off quite a scent.
--- John Ciardi
From this keyboard I will not budge.
It's not that I'm canned,
And can't even shtand,
I'm shober ash any zhudfvge.
--- Anon
"My husband is given to liquor.
He'll attend Sunday mass
For a sip of the glass
And a wa-fer, becoming soused quicker."
--- Laurence Perrine P8403
Who couldn't reach up to the bar.
So in every saloon
He'd climb a spittoon,
And guzzle his liquor from thar.
--- L0768
Who screwed an old whore in Cologne.
He had better, he thunk,
At the time he got drunk,
When he buggered a statue of stone.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0729
When I saw a great shooting star.
The star was a dipper,
A stud and a stripper,
Who'd just staggered out of some bar.
--- Neal Wilgus P8511
Was arrested for being quite drunk.
He said, in dismay
As they led him away,
Don't treat me like some worthless junk!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
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