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One evening while playing at whist, A thinker whose thought were all punk I've thought and I've thank and I've thunk; Swapping limericks while both were quite drunk, A fellow from Sweden named Sven In Pisa, a drunk out quite late My first lim of year '99 A new health spa I found in Grants Pass "My wife," said an old man named Falk, A Glaswegian, in Leeds on a spree A potter who had a large kiln, A bibulous fellow named Gooch, There was a young man from Bordeaux, My advice is to exercise caution Martinis will cause her to kick up Then once they've drunk all the booze, Next morning while surveying the mess, From now on it's them, I'll invade, A drunk is a sloppy old sot; With her junk dawg, on a barstool she sat; I'm suffering badly from booze; When lying around on the ground, ...Then that is the time you say no, There once was a fellow named Greg I'm drunk, yet continue to drink; The famously brave Avatar Southern Comfort, a few beers to chase, A flickering fire in the night. He hit the abutment so hard, "I only had one little sip!" The hitchhiker cannot be found; There was a young driver named Hicks Do not drink if you're going to drive; There was a young man named Farr, There was a drunk driver named Eeseman There was a young driver named Yank, Now our Leda she does love her wine, Now our Leda she does love her wine, In a hot car while drunk in the seat, (South Australian drunk driver kills a John Miller)
Indeed, there are too many Millers Now federal law in all states -- There was an old farmer named Swift, A souse by the name of Hooper, A guy by the name of Cain He was on his way to see Lynn, So he messed up his only big chance, Now the story gets a really good spin. We went for a night on the town While dancing at our celebration, That pitiful guy from Calcutta Said a guy who liked to drink beer, A sailor who'd been ashore drinking, It isn't so much how you stand When by alcohol I'm intoxicated I went to a dog show at Krupps, A tippler who'd sworn he'd stopped drinking, At first he stood up for a drink. A sailor who came from Ann Arbor Spent the night shootin' whiskey and bull; There was an old soak who was tight, A crusty old sailor named Cline Of lager I'd had quite a fill, At last I was forced just to crawl, That climb seem to go on for years, A white figure, arms opened wide, For my wickedness now I must pay. I awoke and I found that the ghost
My partner leaned over and hissed:
"That's your tenth double gin,
You've a vacuous grin.
In a word... -- ah, you're getting the gist.
--- Bill Wall
Hit the bottle and got himself drunk.
But his face was all smiles;
He relabeled his files
Philosophically: think, thank, or thunk.
--- Neal Wilgus P8311
I've sought, then I sank, now I'm sunk.
Thirst I could not bear;
I'm now worse for wear;
For the drought, well I drank, now I'm drunk.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To such a low level they've sunk.
With each sip of scotch,
Their brain slipped a notch.
Now they can't tell a thought from a thunk.
--- Ken Bonnell
When drinking could never say when.
He would drink so much booze,
Through his pores it would ooze,
And when sober start drinking again.
--- Warrick Elrod
Saw a miracle he had to relate.
"I just thought I would swoon
When by light of the moon,
The Tower beside me was straight!"
--- Warrick Elrod
I had hoped would be perfectly fine.
But I've had a wee dram,
And I feel that I am
Quite unable to finish this...
--- Peter Wilkins
Has proven to be quite a gas.
I received a colonic
Of vodka and tonic,
And got totally drunk off my ass.
--- Jerry Nordal P0201
"Often drives me to drink with her talk."
"You're fortunate, Ned,"
His compatriot said,
"My wife," he complained, "Makes me walk."
--- A N Wilkins P8403a
Was arrested, and such was his plea:
"For drunken disorder --
This side of the border?
I demand an acquittal, Scot free."
--- Bill Bache-Hansen P8812
Left it to a sot in his will.
Disgusted, the drunk,
Said, "Really, I'd thunk
He knew that I wanted a still."
--- Gilbert L. Campbell P9108
As he thought he drank far too much hooch,
Decided to try
To cut down on it by
Drinking no more that what he could mooch.
--- A N Wilkins P8403
Whose English was not 'comme il faut';
When asked if he'd drink,
He'd reply with a wink:
"Not 'demi, quel' jolly well ho!"
--- Langford Reed (Bibby)
And not to drink out of proportion.
Because too much wine
(Although tasting divine)
Will bring about "guttural extortion".
--- Nik Synytskyy
Her heels, till she feels the first hiccup.
Then homeward she'll fly
With a neighborly guy,
And on the way puke in his pick-up.
--- Jerry Nordal
And spewed up in both of the Loo's,
Off home they all go,
Saying "Bye!" or "Cheerio!"
Leaving us with the clean-up blues.
--- Anon
I think it went well, I must guess,
By the state of the walls,
The carpets and halls,
The damage from a tornado is less.
--- Anon
To make up for the visits they've made,
The whole family I'll take,
The cat, "Jess" & Dog, "Jake",
And then my revenge I'll have paid.
--- Anon
My contempt for them is a lot.
They ought to grow up
Before they throw up,
And wind up dead like a shot.
--- Arden
A drunk heaved on the pup -- like that -- splat!
Bespattered, it howled;
It shook; the drunk growled:
"Suvvagun! Don't recall eating that!"
--- Anon
Soon out of my pores it will ooze.
The evil Jim Beam
Is not such a dream,
And now I've been sick in my shoes!
--- Anon
Watching ceilings revolving around,
And you feel you must chuck
Up your guts in a buck-
et and cringe at the tiniest sound.
--- Peter Wilkins
That's enough of the beer or Bordeaux;
And in future take care
To be fully aware
Of how much you can drink in one go.
--- Peter Wilkins
Who one night tied into a keg.
Now he did ingest
But threw up the rest,
Passed out, and pissed down his leg.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
If I don't, what will everyone think?
I will lose their respect
If their booze I reject,
I'll just smile and spew in their sink!
--- Stiffy Joe
Went down to the pub for a jar.
After seven were downed,
He smiled, then he frowned,
As the eighth made him barf on the bar.
--- Anon
I awoke with my head at the base
Of the very commode,
That I then climbed and rode,
And lost a few times to the race.
--- Anon
A car-becue, oh, what a sight!
What could he be thinking?
The driver was drinking --
The County Commissioner was tight!
--- Anon
He holed his gas tank with a shard
Of friction-hot steel.
He hops toe to heel --
His car and the grass are both charred.
--- Anon
(It slipped 'twixt the cup and the lip.)
"The guy I picked up --
I drank from his cup."
"It must have been vodka," his quip.
--- Anon
They have tried to run him to ground.
Elusive as mist,
He does not exist.
The Commissioner's story unwound.
--- Anon
Who thought that he knew all the tricks.
After driving around
On three drinks, what he found
Was that drinking and driving don't mix.
--- Albin Chaplin
If you do, your wits take a dive.
You won't drive any quicker,
If you drink that liquor;
You'll lower odds of staying alive.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
This is file qhm
Who got so drunk in a bar,
That he got a tattoo,
And a hangover too,
And a dent in the door of his car.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Thrown in jail for a very good reason.
While doing the breath test
His hands happened to rest
On the tits of a lady policeman.
--- Anon
Who, when he wasn't driving, he drank!
He fell afoul of the law;
He ain't driving no more.
For his fine, he had to call his bank.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
But she drove her car into the brine.
As she began to sink,
She started to think,
Have I been drunking way too much wine?
--- Anon
But she drove her car into the brine.
As she began to sink,
She started to think:
"Is this part of God's great design?"
--- Bob
He killed a cyclist, says the charge sheet.
So praise God in prayers,
As in Riverland there's
One John Miller less on the street.
--- David Miller
And rapists and serial killers.
And too many Daves
Infesting rank caves,
And not enough Raspberry Chillers.
--- John Miller
If you're planning to drive, hike or skate,
Don't exit your revel
With alcohol level,
On the north side of oh-point-oh-eight.
--- Dr Limerick
Who went into town and got spiffed.
He awoke in a sty
With a sow standing by,
And said, "Now no use getting miffed!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
After drinking, and in a stupor,
Awoke from a coma,
Sniffed a flaming aroma,
Said, "That last puff was a blooper!"
--- Maxine Spitzler P9405
Was lying out cold in the rain;
He'd stumbled and smacked
His head, so it cracked;
The bastard was drunk as a Dane.
--- Martin V Jensen
But he made a quick stop at the inn.
Had he stayed away
From the booze, I would say,
He'd not be in the state he's now in.
--- Dirruk
To have with this Lynn a romance.
She waited in vain
For her beloved Dane,
But he still wanted to frolic and dance.
--- Dirruk
Not to disappoint beautiful Lynn,
Came a man fro the south,
Approached swiftly Lynn's house,
That's the point where Dutch Dirruk comes in.
--- Dirruk
And drank things unmentionably brown.
I said, "Michael, dude,
I don't want to be rude,
But excuse me while I'm falling down!
--- Anon
A curious manifestation;
It occurred just like that,
On my face I fell flat,
Suffering inebriation.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who'd stammer and stutter and mutter,
Got tight one dark night,
Went outdoors to recite,
And fell, nostrils first, in the gutter.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8507
"To me it is perfectly clear.
The more suds you drink,
The better you think!"
And then he fell on his ear.
--- Jan Sand
Dreamed he'd slipped overboard and was sinking.
Indeed he was sunk,
And he smelled like a skunk
As he lay in the urinal stinking.
--- G1379
With all the big shots of the land,
But how you stand up
With wine in your cup,
And nothing to lean on at hand.
--- Limber Limericks
And my normal functions too degraded
When I lay, then, my head
On my pillow in bed,
I feel lucky 'cause so far I've made it.
--- Anon
Unfortunately, deep in my cups.
A Basset Hound, lying,
Tripped me. I went flying
Into trophies and ribbons and pups.
--- Anon
Passed a bar and, hearing glass clinking,
Upended a flagon,
Then fell off the wagon,
And into the gutter dropped, stinking.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9608
He sat down for a second, I think.
Then, third, from the floor
He gave fourth with a roar,
Killed fifth, and sank under the sink.
--- Laurence Perrine P8403
Got drunk while in Baltimore harbor.
He was trying to lay
The whole Chesapeake Bay
When he fell, fly unzipped, by the starboard.
--- Pedro J Saavedra P8301
Shot 'em both 'til I was quite full.
Left on my knees;
Slept under the trees;
Woke up with a mouthful of wool.
--- Topper
Who drank a libation to Night,
And then to each Muse,
And then to Good Booze,
And then he went out like a light.
--- Lims Unlimited
Indulged, to excess, drinking wine;
While spotting a whale,
Fell over the rail,
And sank to his death in the brine.
--- Cap'n Bean P0011
And was struggling home up Warmsley Hill.
In the darkness so deep,
The road got so steep,
That I stumbled and swayed on until...
--- Tiddy Ogg
In order to make that long haul;
For hand-holds I'd search,
Then forward I'd lurch,
Each moment dreading I'd fall.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With the wind whistling cold 'round my ears.
Then the moon could be seen,
Creeping from the cloud's screen,
And I quaked with the most awful fears.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was standing there right by my side.
I, filled with great dread,
Put my arms o'er my head,
That grim apparition to hide.
--- Tiddy Ogg
For this must be my judgement day.
'Twas the Angel of Death,
I'd taken my last breath...
And with that thought, I then passed away.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Was not one of the heavenly host.
It now lacked its awe,
For in daylight I saw
It was only a weathered sign post.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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