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It was put there to show me the way. From this thought there is no escape; A Michigan boozer named Rand, Whilst doing the Welly Road crawl, In this group there is just one big loser A shot taken after a beer The water here in Irvine stinks, A bibulous Japanese fellow A man in the town of Poughkeepsie A young debutante called Lavinia A lawyer who came down from Croyden, There once was a poet named Dude, Janet's sister was hard-drinking Susan; Dorothy was feeling quite queer There was an old woman of Gloucester, There's good old Matilda from Swanwick; Jill found a new handsome guy, You sexy! Oh no! I think not! This set her to loud howling cries. The girls are real pretty just 'fore Sweet Adi thought it no sin, The Countess of Constantine, There was a young lady named Frost, Said Crystal, who hails from Poughkeepsie: There was a young lady named Blanch, There was a cheap whore from Duluth, That angelic voiced lass (I'm in stook!) Then she leads me through every damn room, Men wanting 'a bit of the other' Her sweet singing voice was adorable, She's getting the best out of life There was a girl named Betty Lou, I'll dance upon tables and trip upon trenchers, Come, spend all your substance on wenching and wine, Said lady, "My husband's a bastard; Beware of a fate such as Queenie's, There was a young lady of Ulva, A lovely old-timer named Daisy On the ship she drank gallons of booze; A bibulous woman of Argyll A well-partied co-ed named Dawn, When she came home reeking of gin, Jay arranged to lay Georgia that night There was an old woman from Skye, Aladdin said, with a big grin, Here I lie, just me and my "comics"; Gin's a potable I find quite scary; There was a man from Peking In the twenties a fellow named Sinbad A vegetarian gal from Marin Lately I have been quite busy; I think, if your head's in a spin, Most Americans under the skin There once was an old whore who'd coddle The burps that this toddler released The coddling whore said "Judge, The judge and his court grew quite pale When Mort got his own day in court, To gentlemen, the moral is clear. There once was a souser whose sin A space-minded maiden named Janet Eli Whitney once said with chagrin, The eye of a needle is thin Now, I always love to drink gin, A cautious young fellow was Ginnit; Mrs Professor got a case of the jitters,
From that moment to this very day,
I've not touched a drop
Of the malt and the hop...
Just cider and the odd beaujolais.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With way too much juice of the grape,
Mankind stumbles here
And there, and I fear
Resembles soused SAPIENT ape!
--- Chris Papa
Quite often drank more than he planned.
One evening in Lansing,
He thought he was dancing,
Till somebody stepped on his hand.
--- Observer
Many stagger and over do fall,
'Cause the number of bars
Is greater by far,
Than needs for can possibly call.
--- Dave Hefford
Who just happens to be a big boozer
While lifting his jug
He fell back on his pug
And then took a nice big long snoozer
--- Anon
Can warm up the heart with good cheer.
If people drink more,
It's not long before
Some walk with a wobble and veer.
--- R J Winkler P8403
So I have been buying me drinks.
I can't hardly walk;
Don't ask me to talk,
And my eyeballs hurts when I blinks.
--- Marlene Lewis
Fell downstairs and broke his patella;
His barkeep stuck the thing
In a Singapore sling,
Complete with a paper umbrella.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
Drank vodka and soon became tipsy.
He awoke the next day
In a barn full of hay
Amidst calves who were licking their lipsies.
--- Actaeon
At the ball said, "I'm here and I'll sinia."
In a blurred drunken drawl
Said. "I'm belle of the ball,
And to prove it, I've drunk all the ginia."
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Met a lady who he'd been avoidin'.
For though she seemed puzzled,
When she got quite sozzled,
She did things that always a annoyed him.
--- Anon
Whose wife was a bit of a prude.
But after a beer,
She'd start feeling queer,
And ask the whole room if they screwed.
--- Anon
On double dates we would go cruisin'.
Sue would suck Jan's date Steve,
Wipe her mouth on MY sleeve,
And then blame it all on the boozin'.
--- Temujin
She drank a shitload of fine beer
She grabbed hold of Bart
And let out a fart,
And quite quickly he wasn't so near.
--- Anon
Who drank so much, no one was souseder.
But some days she was sober
When a neighbor came over
With a bucket of water and doused her.
--- Warrick Elrod
She's fond of the odd gin and tonic.
But don't overdose her
Or when you get closer,
You'll find she is quite catatonic.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But they were both high as the sky.
So she took him home
And played with his gnome;
When morning came, things went awry.
--- Azul
You're a fat insatiable twat
With your boobs mutilated
And very deflated;
I think I prefer to boycott.
--- Azul
"Oh tell me, where is the great guy
Who had a great bone;
Wouldn't leave me alone,
But left this old pig in my sty.
--- Azul
The barkeeps yell, "Closing the door!"
Drunk Bill takes one home
To play with his gnome;
"Next time I'll stay sober!" Bill swore.
--- Travis Brasell
To down half a bottle of gin,
She has no regrets,
But it has strange effects,
As she wiped globs of come from her chin.
--- Lims For Year - 01
For the Count was beginning to pine.
Since he left in October,
She's never been sober,
And the cellar's now empty of wine.
--- David O Tellam P0609
Whose eyes were so dreadfully crossed,
That when she was high
She could see eye to eye,
And when she was sober, got lost.
--- Lims Unlimited
"I ball guys on top when I'm tipsy."
Then we peeked in the tent
Where her binge time is spent,
And we found Crystal balls on a Gypsy!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Who was drinking too much on her ranch.
She staggered in tardy
To the animal party,
And said to the bull, "Please let's danch!"
--- Chairman Steve
Who was more that a little uncouth;
She would burp, belch, and fart,
That disgusting old tart,
After downing a quart of Vermouth.
--- Mark Levy P9710
Sticks her head in the loo for a puke.
So her head's where her ass
Should be passing her gas,
And she's nearly as drunk as a duke.
--- Ward Hardman
And says "Give me some jolts to the womb!"
But I shout, in the kitchen,
"You Welsh slut! Quit your bitchin'...
Your vagina's as wide as a cwm."
--- Anon
Will have to contend with her mother.
One evening she cursed:
"It's never me first,
And boyos are not worth the bother!"
--- Anon
But now it's a croak, really horrible.
What's caused this affliction?
I think it's addiction
To cigarettes, booze and sex orable.
--- Anon
Before she becomes a housewife
When some lucky sod
Will make her "OH GOD!"
'Fore singing "Sweet mystery of life"
--- Anon
Who knew how to make a strange brew.
One night she did guzzle
Her brew through her muzzle,
And found herself in a stew.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And lie with the lads--all the best of you wenchers:
So spend all you shillings,
Your pounds and your pence;
'Twill all be worth nothing a hundred years hence!
--- G0208
This is file qgm
The grave or the poorhouse we'll have all in time:
Why struggle for honors?
Why cudgel for pence?
'Twill all be forgotten a hundred years hence!
--- G0209
The art of insulting he's mastered.
The miserable louse
Says I'm built like a house!"
Said a friend, "Maybe you should get plastered!"
--- Anon
Whose downfall was due to martinis.
Ten got her so drunk,
She'd give sex to a skunk,
And all the men pickled their weenies.
--- G0726A
Who drunkenly said, "What a hulva
Party ya missed,
Why I got so pissed,
I saw more little people than Gulva."
--- Bill Greenwell
Said, "This is no time to be lazy!
My birthday, I think,
If a fine time to drink,
But responsibly, let's not go crazy.
--- Meps N Barry
O'er the rail, her lunch she did lose.
She embarrassed me
That whole week at sea.
That's the last time we let Vera Cruz.
--- Anon
(Who, through drink had losht shome of her shpargyll)
When a fellow who followed
Her asked if she swallowed,
Said "Wha'dya mean shwallow? I gargyll!"
--- Anon
When asked what conclusion she'd drawn,
Said, "I was having a ball...
But I just can't recall,
This tattoo... or where my pubic hair's gone!"
--- Anon
He queried her where she had been.
He posed, "I suppose
You were out washing clothes,
And hanging three sheets to the wind?"
--- Jumping Jack
But it ended up in a fight,
When he found Georgia stiff,
And said with a sniff,
"I don't like my loose women so tight!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 192 a
Whose boozing kept her very high.
She was safe when aground,
But for trouble was bound
When from a cliff she tried to fly.
--- Warrick Elrod
"I hold that strong drink is a sin.
Though I rarely indulge,
I'm forced to divulge
That I owe my success to a djinn."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Having one of many gin and tonics.
Alone once again,
And randy as sin,
Thank God for plastics and electronics!
--- Lims For Year - 01
It is made from the juniper berry.
It tastes like perfume,
Gives you bad 'whirly-room'
And next morning, your mouth feels all hairy.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8403
Who had very sensitive skin.
He tried every soap
And had given up hope,
And has taken to bathing in gin.
--- Funny Bone
Discovered a way to get in bad
With his white-haired old mother
When he and his brother
One day made a batch of their gin bad.
--- A N Wilkins P8403
Survived on cheese, chocolate, and gin.
But pity her plight,
It doesn't seem right
That Beefeaters is classed as a sin.
--- Lynn Mostafa
So busy, in fact I'm quite dizzy.
Too much crap on my mind;
So much work and no time,
And my cola, it ain't even fizzy.
--- Nawahl
You are not drinking cola, but gin.
Plus juice from the sloes
To make it turn rose,
Which might make it look like its twin.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To the English or Irish are kin.
They should always be proud
To be so well endowed
With Irish Mist and English Gin.
--- Warrick Elrod
An infant named Mort with a bottle.
The milk she put in it
Was spiked with neat gin. It
Made his epiglottal-spasmottal.
--- Anon
Made nice women doubly deceased.
The kid was arrested
For killing the dead, dead
(A crime hitherto un-policed).
--- Anon
Take this foul-mouthed curmudge-
On the single condition
He smell a rendition,
Surpassing his bilious sludge."
--- Anon
As the whore blew foul death from her tail.
Mort wickedly laughed
At her derriere's draft,
While the jury attempted to bail
--- Anon
The judge asked him for a retort.
The bold little twerp
Let out such a burp,
That everyone died with a snort.
--- Anon
Human 'airs' should fill one with fear.
A gast-er-ic medley
Can be something deadly,
But stifling is deadly, my dear.
--- Anon
Was the over-consumption of gin.
He said he would stop
And switch to some pop;
I'm afraid that his sin did him in.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Carved a bathtub completely of granite.
She filled it with gin
And disrobed and jumped in,
And drank herself off of this planet.
--- Brandy Brandon P9407
To his wife, "Dear, your drinking's a sin,
And you're in, now, so deep,
That I'll thank you to keep
Your cotton-pickin' hands off my gin."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9405a
And unable to hold that much gin.
But it should not be missed
That amoebas get pissed
And fall right off into the bin.
--- Anon
And each and all of its kin.
Taking shot after shot,
Makes me feel pretty hot;
Just look at the size of my grin!
--- Anon
Any water he drank had gin in it.
It seem water alone
He would never condone,
After learning that fishes fuck in it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2970
Whenever she had to make fritters.
But she'd pop the things in,
After quaffing some gin,
Which she'd flavored with milk and some bitters.
--- Anon
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