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Girls on the nude beach on St. Kitts While searching a rhyming for Schlitz, Between Sydney and Melbourne, a jogger My very good friend, Lady Cayzer, There was once a fellow of Totness, Worthington--beer brewed at Burton-on-Trent (The series was modified and improved by Arthur Deex)
It's unlucky for Jimmy J. Smith, There's a bridge club known as St. P's, A man nearly six feet in height, A man by name Cyrus Q. Hup, If I had the wings of a duck Said a plumber (for fun) to his mate, There's a terribly keen roller skater, An Englishman out in Bordeaux, A golfer of Haverfordwest, Said the boatswain one day to the coxswain, Believe me yours very sincerely. Washing cars, I am sure it is fitter, Now give me a Ruddle's Peculiar; Our ads in Wisconsin make clear, Saint James is a gate down in Dublin, So she wrote about moonlight on hills, That old Brewer's droop's a bit iffy; A frustrated brewer named Jacques, There once was a man from North Platte, A brewery worker named Fred Not far from London's Lane Drury I think I've met your young Sue, What made the Egyptians revere A brewery worker named Lee I don't see why your a regretter; You must have missed most of the tale; Ye Olde English Ale is sublime; Oh my God, my face is all pale; I wasn't at all a hard decision A discerning person from Swaffham "Old Thumper's" a certain humdinger; For Americans, beer should be clear; Oh pity the innkeeper's plight Though the infantry's shown through the years There was an Old Man with an Owl, There was a young girl, Marie Spratt, When Joe ventured out in his pinnace Now don't get me wrong, we all know A forty of Old English Ale A vision of loveliness fair, A golden and bitter-sweet brew, There was an old slapper, Ulrika, It's true what the say about ale, In England they use pounds for dough, I knew that I would be ad libbin'; I tried to make blueberry ale; If you ferment your wort in a toilet, Joe's beer drinking and wild oats sowing At one time I made a fine brew, Can't wait 'til next hop crop is due, A homebrewer always partakes There once was a pub in Corfu, I used to drink jugs of light beer. This product you've started atoning, A brewer who brewed his own brew, I once knew a guy, Doctor Bill; A wife to her husband said, "Dear, Some merry old monks of Manuller, If it's homebrew that you want the facts on, The hero of every home brewer, While brewing at home one fine Sunday,
Drink beer while they show off their tits.
The men who come there
Are quite rude as they stare,
And try to kick sand in their Schlitz.
--- Thomas G Keller P9411
The "Shits" word first entered my witz.
And so for salvation
And/or salivation,
I'm switching from witzing to titz.
--- Irving Superior P9506
Saw a Sheila -- felt minded to snog her.
They drank in a bar a
Superb Coonawarra (South Australian wine growing region)
And XXXX when they reached Wagga Wagga. (4X Queensland beer)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Asked, "Who's the damn fool who pays her
Price so handsome --
A monarch's ransom
For a Trochenbeerenauslese?" (rare and expensive Kraut wine)
--- Alistair Sampson Liq Lims
Who felt a sensation of hotness.
Like a sensible feller,
He went to the cellar
And opened a bottle of Watney's.
--- Randall Davies P8403
Which doesn't make guys corpulent;
The reason is clear,
There's not much in the beer,
Save some water to pass in the Gents.
--- Arthur Deex P9110
Who pronounces his S's like thith,
And his R's all like L
(God damn it to Hell!)
That Wellington'th beel tathes like pith!
--- Arthur Deex P9110
Where every good player agrees
That by far the best call,
And the surest of all
Is -- "Waitress, can I play with these?"
--- Arthur Deex P9110
Grew another two feet in one night.
He felt rotten till lunch,
When he had a strong hunch
That all four of his shoes were too tight.
--- Arthur Deex P9110
When offered "soft" drinks would say, "Yup,
Just as long as it's diet,
I think I will try it.
Swilling beer tears your insides all up."
--- Arthur Deex P9110
I should think of myself as in luck
If I flew far away
To a land so "outre"
That a buck there was still worth a buck.
--- Arthur Deex P9110
"Hurry up now or you will be late.
When you hear me start plumbing
You'll know that I'm coming--
Then in no time at all I'm dead-weight."
--- Arthur Deex P9110
Who skates round and round the equator.
He says "It is best
If you skate East to West
And avoid both the croc and the gator.
--- Arthur Deex P9110
At a wedding felt awfully low,
Till the bride said "Oh, pshaw,
Your hand's gone through my bra,
My knickers, chemise, and trousseau.
--- Arthur Deex P9110
Had lost every ball he possessed.
He murmured "Good Heaven!
It's just half-past-seven!
I'll be neuter by the time I get dressed!"
--- Arthur Deex P9110
"Why on earth do you cox with wool soxswain?"
"I'm well warmed, Sir," said he,
"Besides can't you see?
The rest of the crew's got fur joxswain."
--- Arthur Deex P9110a
A Limerick writer not merely--
This moral you'll find
To solace the blind--
"Always ask for it manly not queerly."
--- Arthur Deex P9110
For you can't beat a good English bitter.
The trouble with Schlitz,
It gives you the shits,
And it's too weak to raise just a titter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
It's got body and flavor, a rule here.
You can peddle your Bud;
It's piddle, and crud.
As for shandy, when it's hot, it'll cool ya!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
We know how to enjoy our beer.
Not Coors/Miller/Bud
Or their craft-market crud,
Just the local stouts made by stout peers.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Where brewers make stout black and bubblin'.
The Tommies might pale
The site of this ale,
But drink the stuff down without troublin'.
--- Anon
You can twist that to moonshine and stills,
How that then Brewer's droop
Can get you in the soup,
If you're out of them Viagra pills.
--- Anon
The feeling of general squiffi-
ness, comfort and cheer
From a gallon of beer,
Ain't conducive to getting a stiffy.
--- Anon
Drowned himself in a barrel of Bock.
Grieved his friends, "Sad, it's true,
Though this flavor is new,
But the next batch, let's take off his socks."
--- Steve Wickersham
Who fell in a brewery vat.
He drank it all dry
Without getting high,
And asked where the men's room was at.
--- David Miller
Had a barrel fall onto his head.
"Weren't you hurt?" I did ask,
"Being hit by that cask?"
"I was lucky -- 'twas light ale," he said.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
There stood a beer and ale brewery.
And nearby, a short hop,
Was a fine hooking shop,
But the drinkers all called it a screwery.
--- Thomas G Keller P9506
Who's nude while she stomps out some brew.
She's really quite fine
And always has time
To give head, before she doth screw.
--- Anon
Osiris and claim he was peer
To the gods of the land
Was that, unlike that other band,
He'd instructed them how to make beer.
--- A N Wilkins P9506
Drowned in a vat of brewski.
I regretfully say
He'd not drowned right away;
He climbed out five time just to pee.
--- Tiddy Ogg
He couldn't have made the stuff wetter;
And from what I hear
About American beer,
He only could make it taste better.
--- Tiddy Ogg
The brew was a fine British Ale.
When he went through the hatch,
He ruined the batch.
In all of the pubs, now they wail!
--- CM
We all quiver and fall given time.
What you seem to miss
When you call our ale piss,
Is that abstinence isn't a crime.
--- Hideout
This is file pnm
Like zero on a 1 to 10 scale.
All sick and obscure
Can I ever find a cure?
Of course - a cold bottle of ale!
--- Anon
That with millimeter precision
I removed the crown
And poured the Beer down;
A belly beer-collection addition.
--- Anon
Would seek out real ales, and then quaff 'em;
The problem that played
On the mind of the trade,
Lay in getting the cost of them off him.
--- Linda Marsh Coll
An ale to cause droop of my stinger.
But not for my Jane
For she goes like a train,
When I give her that old "Bishop's Finger".
--- Peter Wilkins
Not something so dark I should fear
The things that grow
And just don't show.
Danes cover it up with black beer,
--- Anon
When his customers, night after night,
Order only pale brew
And brown ale eschew --
For his dark is much worse than his lite.
--- Norm Storer P9207
That as fighters they are without peers,
No dogface will hide
His real source of pride:
He can swill down his poundage in beers.
--- A N Wilkins P9506
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail,
And imbibed bitter ale,
And when drunk became birder most foul.
--- Edwardian Leer 079
At work one day, fell in a vat.
Before she was dragged out
She had drunk so much stout,
That her parts that were thin, became fat.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
With sexy young Irish gal Glynis,
She got in the mood
For the crude, rude and lewd,
Once she'd had a bottle of Guinness.
--- Anon
There are millions who'll say they will go
With dark beer and ale,
A bitter or pale,
I drinks what I drinks, then I crow.
--- Anon
Will make you quiver and pale.
Its taste is obscene,
Hangover extreme.
You'll swear off that piss without fail.
--- Jim Davis
I'm quite certain I see over there.
Is it Ulla or Carole?
Oh no! It's a barrel
Of Old Thumper Ale, I declare.
--- Peter Wilkins
With a body to die for and ...oooh;
What a flavorsome taste.
Not a drop will I waste,
As I pen this (hic) love song to you.
--- Peter Wilkins
A well-known publicity seeker.
She turned men quite pale,
When she swallowed her ale,
With one fell swig from a pint beaker.
--- Alexander Baron
When it has grown quite stale.
It smells like a skunk,
But still gets you drunk;
I guess that's why this was on sale.
--- Anon
But for many, the pound doesn't flow.
So when making a sale
Of a pint of ale,
The barman says, "Two QUID PRO QUO."
--- Norm Brust
My buddies all thought I was kiddin'.
Used old malt I could find;
And old hops off the vine.
And you know, I won a blue ribbon!
--- Dave Bunning
My attempt I did miserably fail.
But it was my beer,
So I did not fear.
I drank it anyway -- what the hail!
--- Anon
You'd better make sure that you boil it.
Make sure nothing floats
Except hops in your groats.
If the head smells like piss then you've spoiled it.
--- J B Summer
Wrought health problems showing and growing;
Doc said, "Joe, stop the screwing."
Joe said, "Oke, but the brewing's
The one thing that still keeps me going."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9506
That was crafted with hops that I grew.
The taste was intense,
With a strong resin sense,
And malt flavor pervading all through.
--- Bill Mendyka
So another new potion I'll stew,
That will match or exceed
All the flavors, indeed,
That a hophead expects in his brew.
--- Bill Mendynka
Of whatever the new brewer makes.
And he'll offer advice,
When the beer's not that nice,
But drinks up, if it's got what it takes.
--- Bill Mendyka
With beer that was only home-brewed.
Said Sam with a mug,
"To approve of your club,
I'd like ten more mugs for review!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection
But lately it's become much too dear.
I tried brew-at-home,
But now must atone,
For a product that tastes rather queer.
--- Anon
Does it give you a rush or a stoning?
I might take a hit
If chicks like the shit,
Enough to start moaning for boning.
--- Anon
He brewed a new brew that was blue;
'Twas a strange looking beer,
Whose appearance was queer,
And was only enjoyed by a few.
--- Cap'n Bean P0101
He died but I won in his will.
His formula queer
That will do away beer.
You get drunk just by eating a pill!
--- Anon
I'm infected with yeast, I do fear."
But he was a genius,
Hung hops from his penis,
And said, "Then let's just make beer!"
--- Anon
Found life was becoming much duller.
They brewed a fine ale
In a massive big pail,
And they found their lives were much fuller.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Consult the old pro, Michael Jackson.
The price would be steeper,
But he'd make it cheaper,
The six packs we pay the sin tax on.
--- Anon
Is a Frenchman that's known as Pasteur.
His knowledge of bugs
Has improved many mugs
Of old ale, with the taste of a sewer.
--- Hammer
Watched over by Brewmaster Bundy.
He said without haste,
"Hey! That's water you waste,
And they're dying of thirst in Barundi!"
--- Hammer
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