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"I'll not kill myself, never fear, In Oz a man can drink for his state; I'm Bud and I'm glad to be here. I've chosen to speak with great gravity Please join me, and when we're all through, A night out's an excuse for a beer; I just got a gallon of beer; There's a pub with a sign that is new, A large Aussie with the name of Kelly, Said Buford to Lizzie, "My dear, The presents you buy me each year, In my youth, life and love seemed so good; But now you're an old married man, "Oh sod it!" said Len as he missed, "I've filled up the chamberpot, Len," As Tom and his team danced around, On the other hand take Mr. Wren: Well thank you my darlings, my dears, The Kitimat plant makes aluminum A luscious young lush from Algiers A leg amputee name of Rollo A tipple from an abbey monk'll We all remember Mr Marley Though I've travelled around this whole sphere, Did I hear the words "pub" and "beer"? I really do like to drink beer There once was a fellow named Frank, Independence Day's coming, I hear, There was an athlete named Crane, There was an old Sikh from Kashmir, A religious bartender from Lear, There was a young man named Chris, and I screwed her quite gross, from behind again. A harried old man from What Cheer Supposed to be hotter than hell, There's a sign on a beer joint in Nome It only required one touch After running my errands, like you, Oh, Beer, much better than gin; Ah! Laud all the times when the brew I admit I am of great years, It's a terrible thing to be dead Michelle's been out on the ocean What is to our hearts so dear? Been three days with no beer to drink; Ah! So you are going abstemious His wife almost bankrupted Meyerbeer From Alaska to way past the Cape If there's one thing that I always knew, A stout is the best of the breed, There was a young fellow named Slate I've thought here and sat 'til I've thunk, 'Twas probably that gal, Gertrude Pippin; Or then again, it could have been me; There once was a man with no ear, Oh Beer, thou drink of the gods, In the great days of life under sail, But the captain was placed in a box, By the coffin was stationed a guard. ...To discover. The guard had an awl, Well now I am just struck with awe; The mate went to drink a night-cap. There was an old woman I knew Young men who woo girls with candy A playboy renowned as a sinner, A bit of a dandy's our Andy;
By drinking 3.2 percent beer."
But his wife, don't you know,
Chortled, "I told you so!"
When they brought him home dead on his bier.
--- Laurence Perrine P9506
Swill Fosters, call everyone 'mate';
While getting rat-assed.
Why are they small-glassed?
What a binge, pint tankards could create.
--- Tony Burrell
There's something I want to make clear;
I blame my affliction
On Mother's addiction,
And one fetal glass of draught beer!
--- Mark Levy P9506
Regarding my social depravity;
My illness is chronic,
And as a health tonic,
I quaff from the vaginal cavity.
--- Mark Levy P9506
Your taste will convince you it's true.
Additional yeast
Adds kick to the feast,
A bubbling and full-bodied brew!
--- Mark Levy P9506
Three or four and there's nothing you'll fear.
So pull out all the stops;
Back away from those hops;
While your mind and your eyes are still clear.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
The tender said closing time's near.
So I drank and I chugged;
I chugged and I glugged
And said, "Ish aire a bafroom in hereaaaaaaaah!"
--- Anon
Displayed on the street in full view.
A delight to be read,
"What is heaven," it said,
"Cold beer, juicy Lucy, and you."
--- MK, Jul 97
Had what was called a "Beer Belly."
If you made the man laugh,
'Twas like a seismograph,
His body then shook like some jelly!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Please bring your sweet bod over here.
I'd like to caress you
And slowly undress you,
But first, could you bring me a beer?"
--- Observer
I pretend to enjoy, with a tear.
To be rather brash,
I'd rather have cash,
So I can spend it all on cheap beer.
--- Mike Archer Q
When next to my Sweet Thing I stood,
I was thrilled by her scent,
Wherever I went.
Just holding hands made me grow wood.
--- Allen Wolverton
And your Sweet Thing's more pudgy than tan.
And the thing you think tops,
Comes from barley and hops,
And decants full of foam from a can.
--- Jeanie
And quaffed from the pot in his fist;
And thus it went on
And went on and went on,
Until all of the buggers were pissed.
--- Anon
Said Thomas, "with Old Speckled Hen."
"Then toss me the dwile," (mop, cloth)
Said old Len with a smile,
"And start girtin' around with your men."
--- Anon
Old Len, with driveller, found
His flonking awry,
As the dwile he let fly,
Merely dropped with a thud to the ground.
--- Anon
A traditionalist type of a man.
With him naught goes to waste-o,
He likes second-hand taste o'
'Bishop's Finger' and 'Old Speckled Hen'.
--- Anon
For pouring me 20 more beers.
I really must quit,
'Cause I look such a twit,
With beer coming out of my ears.
--- Anon
For beer cans with all kinds of room in 'em,
For glorious beer,
While the rest of us here
Have devoted our lives to consumin' 'em.
--- John E Mayhood P0800
Drank forty-five over-proof beers.
She absorbed them with SPAM,
The filled up a pram
With the empties 'mid loud claps and cheers.
--- Mike O'Conner
Was a fanciful fellow to follow;
When they rolled out a keg,
He would take off his leg,
And drink Budweiser right from the hollow.
--- Anon
Rival the buzz from Bock Dunkel,
Or a bock made of wheat,
Even barley wine neat.
But an Eisbock will make you cry uncle!
--- Hammer
Who had a good taste for the barley.
He'd run for the beer
At the end of the pier,
Only to end up sort of gnarly.
--- Peter Ackerman
And I've guzzled a fair share of beer,
I drink by the hour
And use it to shower,
And I hope to find some on my bier.
--- Al Willis P9506
Oh well, goody goody, I'm here.
I hope you're no miser;
Mine's a pint of Budweiser;
It's the first drink I've had all year!
--- Anon
For it makes the world perfectly clear.
What I don't understand
Is how I could land
Flat on my back under here.
--- Neal Wilgus P8403a
Whose tool was too wiry and lank.
Said he with a leer,
"I'll offer them beer
Tapped from my prick, for a prank."
--- Anon
And we'll greet it with lots of good cheer;
But we'll have to rely
On the Froth of July
Instead of our usual beer.
--- Norm Storer P0507
Who really hated to train,
So he drank beer instead,
With foam on the head,
In spite of the weight he would gain.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Who wept as he sipped at his beer.
"I know this is weird;
The beer gets in my beard,"
He said as he wiped at a tear.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Told the ones who wanted to hear:
"God loves us all;
Won't be our downfall.
And the best living proof is our beer!"
--- Anon
Drinking was part of his plan.
He liked to drink beer,
Till his vision's unclear.
(Makes it harder to go take a piss, man!)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
If 'tis a boy, we may name him Heinekin,
For that's what we drank,
But she was quite frank.
The child, it just might not me minekin.
--- James
This is file pmm
Resolved at the first of the year
To request Lilliputians,
When performing ablutions,
To keep their hands out of his beer.
--- Limber Limericks
So I expect my ankles to swell.
With August so near
And a cooler of beer,
I guess I will handle this well.
--- R L Arnold
Famed for a local brew, with no foam.
At the end of the day
Where does time waste away?
"Third Base Tavern, Last Stop Before Home."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0301
For Beer to make us love it in such
A wonderful way,
That everyday
We want it, and we want it much!
--- Martin V Jensen
I like to spend time with my poo-
Dles, beagles and cock-
Er spaniels and knock
Back a brewsky or possibly two.
--- Anon
For a few drops I'd kill and I'd sin.
And for a whole glass,
I'd light his ass,
And blow up the world with a grin.
--- Anon
Has flowed down me gullet anew.
And made spirits high
And blurred me good eye,
And made homely gals pretty, too!
--- Travis Brasell
But let me confess to you dears,
I have as much fun now
Because I now know how
To enjoy and to quaff a few beers.
--- Barb
Or sleep all alone in a bed;
But next to it, Lad,
There is nothing so sad
As a beer which is minus a head
--- Lims Fables & Poems P0507
Causing a deadly commotion.
Living dangerously
Drinking beer, probably:
Doing what - I haven't the notion.
--- Anon
What makes the whole world cheer?
What is it we praise
In millions of ways --
Could it be a thing other than Beer?!
--- Martin V Jensen
Quitting beer is one great big stink.
I drink lots of tea,
(Not the same you'll agree),
And for three days I've not slept a wink!
--- Anon
Of beer, which will make your abs slimious;
But sober you'll be,
A sad sight to see,
For now you'll just give us dabs quimious.
--- Anon
With daily requests that he buy her beer;
And when ready to die
She so feared to be dry,
She insisted a keg be placed nigh her here.
--- Kilburn K Holt P8806
Is a country of dubious shape.
But South, North, or here,
The all love their beer,
And some favor fruit of the grape.
--- Anon
Is that nothing compares with a brew.
I store it in vats,
And I realize that's
A bit greedy, but what can I do?
--- Al Willis P9506
Of the dark beers that sustain one in need.
It imparts a warm feeling,
But sets the mind reeling,
If too many are quaffed without heed.
--- Bill Mendyka
Whose age was a hundred and eight;
In his ninetieth year
He quit drinking beer,
And said, "I suppose it's too late."
--- Limber Limericks
About who could have been the damn skunk,
Who gulped all my beer,
And left me right here,
Until I got totally drunk.
--- Travis Brasell
I'm sure I saw her there, a-sippin'
From your frothy glass,
While she shook her ass;
You passed out and then missed her strippin'.
--- Carol
I far prefer beer to hot tea.
If there's lager around,
I am sure to be found
Guzzling it down secretly.
--- Travis Brasell
Who could neither speak nor could he hear.
Then his wife made
A great hearing aid,
And now all he wants is a beer.
--- Anon
Have pity on us poor sods.
Like bees to a flower,
Give us the power;
In quantities best known as "LOTS".
--- Martin V Jensen
A captain's life sometimes would fail.
With the rest of the crew,
Their companions just threw
Then, wrapped in a sack, o'er the rail.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Sealed tightly and placed upon blocks,
Which was filled up with brandy
Or whatever was handy,
To preserve it till back at the docks.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But when the ship came to its yard,
More often than not,
The body was rot
ted and to find the cause was not hard...
--- Tiddy Ogg
Made in the box a small hole,
And he'd secretly sup
The spirits right up,
Until there was none left at all.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That story just sticks in my craw.
But I was just wondering
If the guards nightly plundering,
Used the captains dick for a straw?
--- MrMalo
He fished out the crank with a grap.
He had to suck hard;
The piss-pipe was scarred.
The captain had died of the clap.
--- MrMalo
Who made an incredible brew
Of brandy and Pernod --
A kind of inferno --
If you drank it, your eyeballs turned blue.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Don't know that there's something more handy;
When the lights are down low,
And there's nowhere to go,
Beguile them with glasses of brandy.
--- G Askew
Once took out a girl friend for dinner;
When the eating was done,
He said, "Let's have fun,"
With his thoughts on the brandy within her!
--- K Young
His hair at the tips is quite sandy.
And he does his quince
If you ruffle his chintz;
He'll only calm down with some brandy.
--- Anon
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