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Now, Brahms and Beethoven and Bach Back-assward I botched my in-log The result of some nasty Bartok Frescobaldi, a Barber for Boyce, Now I've known some men who could toot There's an orchestra playing in Beale A conductor, Guiseppe Sinopoli, In Boston they await the arrival A tone-deaf conductor named Treadwell Conductors, though quite ornamental, A latecomer making his way, A guitar player frets while he waits, A clumsy musician named June There was a conductor named Rhodium A presenter on Radio Three Though the pianist kept missing the keys This is not offered as a mere joke: Indo-Austrian relations looked bleak The band played on through the night, The distinguished conductor Mitropoulos 'Twas the springtime recital last eve' I would have played Bach, but despite I could have played kilted, I swear it, I could have played worse, it is true, First a fly got caught in my hair. There once was a tune company. An opera conductor named Paton A conductor, Sir Montague Stratton, The conductor had raised up his baton; A student conductor called Russ A conductor of note named Umberto When the conductor raises his stick, When a horny conductor name Storz, A girl who will swoon for Sibelius I went to the Mud Cat Cafe, That sexy gal, Hannah Witkowski, Prior to the downbeat's profusion, The conductor was answering FAQ's, An English conductor name Poole, A musical Imam of Hejaz This Finn with his favourite thing, Woody Herman made music so grand The Argentine plays the bandoneon, There was also Sweet Betsy From Pike, They stopped in a town for to stay, In ballads from time long gone by, The classic's that bitch Barbara Allen; ...And goes off and dies in Nantucket. You've heard those last rhymes before? So she too was laid in her grave, There once was a perverted chick, The moral, for you who are lurkin', In folk songs, a lady in mink or Such a wandering urge has not died, Oh, where is the sweet Lady Anne-o? An old lady swallowed a fly; The old lady swallowed a spider; The old lady swallowed a bird. The old lady swallowed a cat, The old lady swallowed a dog; The old lady swallowed a cow; The old lady swallowed a horse; I'm told she was holding a spoon, While going to Widdecombe fair, Harry Hawk said, "Now there's no doubt, Jan Stewer said "That ain't no good.
Are as fine as the best wines in stock,
But boogie and blues
Remind me of booze--
And Bartok of gin in a crock.
--- Norm Storer
Since haste brings on gaffes when agog.
Both Wagner and Liszt
Sincerely insist,
The tail isn't wagging the dog.
Was a Mahler's Faure Offenbach.
"Now aren't these Menotti?"
Said Handel Scarlatti,
"Haydn these Sessions in Bach!"
--- Kathleen A Martin P8302
Schoeck the Bloch with his Weill singing voice.
Des Prez he'll move on
And not for Karajan
Cutting hair so Carulli with noise!
--- Kathleen A Martin P8302
With percussion, tuba and flute.
A mean 1810,
Not deadly but then,
Comes the blast of his 10 gun salute.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose conductor is far from ideal.
To conclude a sonata,
He starts the fermata,
Then leaves for a seven-course meal.
--- Wendi Hoffenberg
Was determined to do the thing properly.
His Aida would play
On sets by Erte,
With direction by Francis Ford Coppoli.
--- Marc Davidson
Of a play considered archival.
Oh alas. and alack,
Arthur is coming back;
"Fiedler On the Roof," a revival.
--- Thomas Patton P0306
Sincerely believed that he led well,
But the brasses did surges
While the woodwinds played dirges--
Or so said the critics, and said well.
--- William K Alsop P9209
Do tend to be too tempermental;
When it's time to rehearse,
They frequently curse
And say thing that no well bred gent'll.
--- Ron Rubin
Disturbed almost all of Row J.
When admonished, "Wrong Door!"
He whipped out a score,
But his DayGlo baton was quite fey.
--- Anon
As the trumpeter blows his in haste.
The drummer percusses
And softly discusses,
His sexlife with dear Maestro Bates.
--- Anon
Would trip several times before noon.
A myopic conductor
Tried to abduct her,
Mistaking her fall for a swoon.
--- Sam Chen
Whose concerts were played with such odium,
That he got no ovation
Though he held a high station,
Till the time that he fell off the podium.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2770
Announced: "A concerto in C --
And before that, the news --
Follows Musical Views --
But first, I'm off for my tea."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
In his bid to keep pace, shouting, Please!
The conductor's crazed baton
Just traced its wild pattern,
Until it had dizzied six bees.
--- David A Brooks Q
Charismatic conductor, Max Stoke,
Said, "Since joy does abound
From its harmonic sound,
My dear colleagues, let's go for Baroque."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0107
At the World Music Seminar week.
Not a thing could be found
Of the cross-over sound,
Till the band went to play Haydn Sikh.
--- Doug Harris P0510Q
Spewing epics of olfactory delight.
The conductor raised the baton,
Urging the band to play on.
But fell limp when the 2nd movement took flight.
--- Anon
Served in Boston, Berlin, Minneopolis.
When he led Mahler's Third
In Milan, death occurred;
An attack of the heart, not the populace.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Where we played -- both of us -- I believe.
Liam played the "Queen's hind."
It was simply devine --
"Danny Boy" played with such joie de vive.
--- Hilde na Beag
My practice, I can't get it right!
Though I err on web pages,
The thought that engages,
Is "My Bach is Worse than my Byte
--- Hilde na Beag
But prudence would not let me wear it.
Though I wear it with pride,
I feel funny inside,
Thinking if I bend down, I might bare it!
--- Hilde na Beag
But when playing as I often do,
I flow with the spirit.
I'm charmed when I hear it,
And never wake up till I'm through.
--- Hilde na Beag
Then it waltzed 'round my right hand -- I swear --
As I played music soft,
So I plumb knocked it off
And continued the piece Bach to there.
--- Hilde na Beag
That grabbed hold of a cut by G.V.
They added a beat
To give people a treat,
But the listeners didn't agree.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Conducted a score with his hat on.
By wiggling his ear,
His toes and his rear,
He contrived to dispense with a baton.
--- Joseph Rosenthal P9210
Bruised his bald head with his baton.
It caused him such pain,
He cried, "Never again!"
And now he conducts with his hat on.
--- P8302
Saw a choir member still had her hat on.
He lowered the stick;
The hat came off quick.
He had time to put his cravat on.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Would boast to his lady-friends, thus:
"Mark my words -- I'll go far!"
And he did -- to Qatar,
Where I hear he's conducting a bus.
--- Ron Rubin
Did what no other maestro would dare to.
While he brandished his cock
To the music of Bach,
He conducted the Organ Concerto.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0633
It's so quiet! One could hear a watch tick.
As he wriggles his chassis,
(From the back this looks classy)
He admits that he won't miss a trick.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Had removed a girl oboist's drawers,
He exclaimed, climbing on,
"I've a private baton
That I use for nonmusical scores!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
This is file oul
Is cogent and sesquipedalius,
And no man has fucked her
Except a Conductor,
Who tricked her by using an alias.
--- Amego P0001
Accordion music to play,
I met there fair Roxanne
And squeezed her fine box an'
Made love's music all of the day.
--- Anon
Adores the tunes of Tchaikovsky:
"When I'm feeling glum,
'Swan Lake' makes me come,
Especially when played by Stokowski!"
--- Anon
A cacophony of sound's contusion.
Then in the assembly,
Suddenly harmony,
Pleasantly replaces confusion.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
About what made his orchestra lax:
"Our reeds overwork,
The strings also irk.
There's just too much violins and sax.
--- Irish
Conducted Brahm's First with his tool.
Such ambidexterity!
Grace, and celerity!
(The critical comment was cool.)
--- G2460
Taught his favorite eunuchs to play jazz.
So his fucks pizzicato,
Staccato, legato,
Made his harem's Arabia's rages.
--- G0611
Conducted a choir to sing.
The nuns, none too happy,
Took knives to this chappie
And chopped off the wee ding-a-ling.
--- Anon
In major cities 'cross the land.
He never did push
For birds in the bush,
Much preferring a bird in the hand.
--- Tom Patton P9704
(First German, but not Patagonian).
Buttons left, buttons right,
In and out through the night.
A beginner is pure pandemonium.
--- Carl Lands
Who crossed over the mountains with Ike.
But when Brigham drew near,
Pawing ground like a steer,
They left fast and continued their hike.
--- Hilde na Baeg
And went to the dance there one day.
With a miner she danced --
He got so entranced,
Ike left her and went on his way.
--- Hilde na Baeg
At least one poor person would die,
In utter disgrace
And litter the place,
While all the relations would cry.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Poor Jimmy Groves she kept stallin'.
It broke the lad's heart
'Cause her legs she'd not part,
So he dies and she then starts a bawlin'...
--- Tiddy Ogg
They'd neither of them kicked the bucket,
Had she loosened her stays,
When he got a raise,
Laid back and enjoyed where he stuck it.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Well 'tis a traditional score.
If it's not new to you,
Call it just deja vu,
You'll probably find plenty more.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Exhumed by a hermit named Dave,
Who wanting a spot
Of mouldering twat,
Took her away to a cave.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who found that she got quite a kick
From digging up Jimmy
And shouting "Jim, Gimme!"
While bouncing on his rigid dick.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Stop jerkin' your gherkin like Perkin.
Don't sit there and stew;
Go get you a screw,
And get that old mojo a-workin'.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Furs, will fall hook line and sinker,
For the rough rural charms
And the strong hairy arms
Of a traveling gypsy or tinker.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Although this type of man's rareifed.
So alternative trades
Must appeal to young maids,
And the old songs must be modified...
--- Tiddy Ogg
She's off on a plane to Lugano.
That randy old bag
If off with the rag-
gle taggle insurance man-o.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But of course the old dear didn't die.
She relished the taste
And caught more in haste,
And baked them all up in a pie.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She felt the thing wriggle inside her;
She stopped the sensation
With intoxication,
And drowned the arachnid inside her.
--- Tiddy Ogg
No, not all at once, that's absurd.
I don't wish to slander
That nice Colonel Sanders,
But she thinks 'twas not feathered but furred.
--- Tiddy Ogg
In chow mein, from old Chinese Pat.
She needed a nurse,
But it could have been worse;
Quite often he fries up a rat.
--- Tiddy Ogg
'Twas cooked up by my cousin, Lee Ogg.
She claims 'twas delicious,
But I am suspicious;
I am sure that her tubes it will clog.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That's easy enough; this is how:
In burgers and pies,
With peas and french fries.
She's a CJD variant now.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That's CJD's symptoms, of course.
The horse wasn't pleased
And lifted his knees,
And kicked with considerable force.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And gripping it tight. She was soon
High soaring, and now
You know how the cow
And all else jumped over the moon.
--- Tiddy Ogg
On old Tom Pearce's grey mare,
On the Taunton bypass
She slipped on her ass,
And sat there, her nose in the air.
--- Tiddy Ogg
What the nag needs is a clout."
So we gave her a smack,
But she just arched her back,
And let a terrific fart out.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Try giving the creature some food.
Find her something to eat."
So we offered a beet,
But it didn't change the beast's mood.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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