MORE
And what would we do without "twat?" Those short dirty words rhyme so well, So as long as we're free to use "quim" A gnu newly neutered from flu I know what I want for my present! Micky is pickin' a chicken, Right common the surname of Smith; Now equally common is Jones There once was a 'shiek' or 'sheik' Old Sweeney, the druggist of Kent In Babylon, condoms were able One condom said to the other, Two guys at a condom convention I bought condoms just this afternoon. My friend has named his prick Rick; The men do not know which is right, A medical examination "Disposable condoms, Not me!" These tables quite often are seen A drummer, Fitzpatrick by name, My love brings me many a condom, (needs a translation)
It was not that I hated affection; What on earth do the French call French letters? There once was a fellow from London TV ads for condoms are due, I bought some red condoms last week, Blonde Katie said, "I need a bic!" An upbeat young druggist named Breen, There was an old maid name of Shirley, A randy you man of Tralee I've queried the world far and wide What's the matter with these horny Greeks? Disposable condoms? Not me! Condom makers say now they produce Just after their nightly coition, To the young folks, the plumber said: "Damn!" There was a young fellow named Keith, Disposable condoms? You see? An insatiable satyr named Pacer "It's my fourteenth child, if I bear it," A quiet young man living in Kent He told me my body was "yummy", You'll find, if you ever have donned 'em, Jill, who was very perceptive, A cautious young husband named Rafe Since most teens despise condoms, the crew PROPHYLAXIS, from lexicon's palace, When Bonny when faced by a rapist, Disposable condoms? Not me! A thoughtless young fellow named Gore The condom, that whole episode, My manservant, Petal, is Bob, A maker of condoms was Newsom, An elegant erudite Yankee Sighed a sensitive condom named Ron, (to rib - to put one on, to tease - just checking - McW)
A fussy young floozie from France A fastidious registered nurse Now little John Joames was a dork, Bragged a speedy young worker named Pruitt, The sergeant major, aptly named Johnson, Ancient greeks had quite lusty emotions, With balloons, one can twist, bend and force A womans desire to be loved If you came to my place I'd ensure A reporter once asked of a lion: Disposable condoms? Not me!
And those dozens of good words that ought
Not be spoken in church?
We would do more than lurch:
To a shuddering stop we'd be brought!
--- Anon
Making fine bawdy tales fun to tell.
The long and the short of it,
It's great making sport of it,
On a subject we all like to dwell!
--- Anon
For the ladies and "pecker" for him,
Without looking askance
Then I guess that the chance
Of an A A L catch up are slim.
--- Anon
Bid his bollux adieu feeling blue.
A lad saw the gnu sad,
Questioned why, said his dad,
"There is nothing, son, under the gnu."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9410
Not a pear-treed partridge, but pheasant!
Though pheasant-plucking is
Not a pleasant fucking biz,
I'll be the only peasant pheasant-plucker present.
--- H Myers T9712
For stickin' his prick in and friggin'.
He's thinking of suckin'
And buckin' and fuckin';
Chicken's thinking of kickin' his dick in!
--- PeterW
To rhyme it I'm tempted herewith --
Let's see, "...she would screw
With Gentile or Jew
Including her kin and her kith."
--- Armand E Singer 644
But rare are the endings in -ones.
So try as I might,
The best I could write:
"...but never on Kalenda or Nones." (Roman calendar dates)
--- Armand E Singer 645
A bit of a sneak or a snake,
He took a friend's daughter
To Virginia Water,
Where he kept her a week or awake.
--- Explosion of Lims P2005
Had a clientele not impotent.
The condoms he sold
Never got to be old.
As soon as they came in, they went!
--- LaDonna Jones P8503
To gain the great king's safety label;
He proved they were strong
When stretched on his schlong,
That ladies called 'Tower of Babel'.
--- Travis Brasell
"Let's go in that gay bar, brother",
In through the back door,
Abused like a whore,
Came out shit-faced like a mutha.
--- Anon
Attracted a lot of attention.
"Who's dong is the bigger?"
They argued with vigor;
But still it's a bone of contention.
--- Peter Wilkins
Two dozen. (It made the clerk swoon.)
I have plans for just four,
For I plan to score:
March, April, May, and then June.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
That short for Richard D. Dick.
A bright colored condom
Was all that he'd donned him,
When arrested for exposed "Lime-Rick."
--- Gearhart TP9807
The condom that is brown or is white.
Why all this fuss
For blissful coitus;
What matters is, "It's loose or it's tight."
--- Harihari Subramanian
Need not follow infatuation.
Before your contortions,
You should take precautions,
Like checking on your insulation.
--- Sem
Said the woman in the office with glee.
"Try a drugstore or barber,
Or that "Gents" by the harbor.
I sell condominiums not condoms, you see!"
--- H Myers T9801
Right next to the condom machine,
Which I guess must give pause
For some men to link cause
And effect in a manner most keen.
--- Anon
Sold condoms that wowed every dame;
He stocked losts of spares
And proud of his wares,
Was eager to demonstrate same.
--- Armand E Singer 427
And she tastes them as soon as I've donned 'em.
The last, God forgive her,
Was flavored like liver;
De gustibus non disputandum!
--- Stargazer
And I had a fine crowbar erection.
When she said, "Let's go!"
I had to say "No."
For I had forgotten protection.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Are they really those lambskinny sweaters,
With the cute little tip;
Kind of looks like a nip;
For catching the seed of go-getters?
--- Tutta Gioia a
Who had sex with a blue cummerbund on.
He found to his liking,
The effect was quite striking,
And nicely set off the green condom.
--- Robert Elliot
But ad folks just haven't a clue,
As they try to devise
How they can advertise
The "sizzle" of a fully dressed screw.
--- Rick Kaplowitz P9208
Because of sweet Jane and Monique.
They both are quite guileless
But I want to stay childless.
I hope that the condoms don't leak!
--- Al Willis TP9804
Then she searched daughter's purse really quick.
And said, "I propound
A condom I've found.
It's the first I knew she had a dick."
--- David Miller
Carried condoms like you've never seen.
Broad stripes and clan plaids,
Bright stars and Ye Gads!
A paisley in three shades of green.
--- Frank Ward P9309a
Who stared at a relic so surly;
A balloon in a frame
From a young man who came,
But he left a few moments too early.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1391
Was seen buying a packet of three.
The priest said "Go back!
And get one more pack,
For my housekeeper, Molly, and me."
--- John Fernbank
To find me a good latex hide.
But Magnum and Maxx? --
Too small for my axe.
Trojan Large? -- Chokes me!, I cried.
--- H Welchel
They will tease you with foreplay for weeks,
Till you beg and you plead
For the full dirty deed,
But they'll never use Trojans, the freaks!
--- Robin K Willoughby P9210 a
It's essential to let it fly free.
A rubber restriction
Reduces cunt friction,
And that's quite important to me.
--- Moony TP9802
This is file oom
Female condoms to thwart male abuse.
Though a girl with protection
Can control contraception,
She will not have a fucking excuse.
--- Al Chaplin P9405
Said Bob, "I must make an admission.
My dear, please don't blubber --
I forgot my rubber."
(A case of nocturnal omission.)
--- Anon
While I smirked like the toad that I am;
"Don't throw condoms away
In a mechanized way;
Kitchen garbage disposer will jam!"
--- Anon
Who returned from town with a sheath.
A young girl named Candy
He found to be dandy,
And sex never does rot your teeth.
--- ARG
Sounds kind of redundant to me.
'Cause when you use those,
Of course you dispose...
To keep them is stupidity.
--- Wildman T9801
Is known as a wild woman-chaser.
He's the main cause of myriads
Of overdue periods,
For to him, 'rubber' means an eraser.
--- G1701
Said the woman to Doctor, "I swear it."
"Well your husband should
Receive a Knighthood!"
"He's got one," she said, "He won't wear it!"
--- Anon
To Boots for some condoms was sent.
But not having a clue
Of what they could do,
He just rolled on on backwards and went.
--- Martyn Midlands
As he laid me down on my tummy.
I said to my chum,
"Please use a condom;
I don't want to become a mummy."
--- Anon
A "one size fits all" conundrum.
Unlike the brassiere,
No length or cup here;
I speak, my dear friends, of the condom.
--- H Welchel
Because she was so disrespective,
Didn't ever say yes,
Never cleaned up the mess,
Unless he would use contraceptive!
--- Domin8r
Used to diddle his wife with a safe.
Thus he thwarted God's wishes,
And fed his pet fishes,
Which he kept in a bedside carafe.
--- L0974
At Trojan will try one that's new.
To provide an excuse
For its regular use,
It belts out hard rock while they screw.
--- A N Wilkins P9304A
Protection from germs with malice.
PROPHYLACTIC's bequeath
To thee latex sheath,
That protects the probing of phallus.
--- Chris Papa
I insist this event is the safest.
You must wear a rubber;
He started to blubber:
"I can't because I'm a papist."
--- Anon
I'd rather be hung from a tree.
It removes all the passion
When dressed in this fashion.
I now rest my case. QED.
--- Moony TP9802
Forgot to buy safes at a store.
Said his girl, "Why you lubber,
This glove made of rubber,
I am sure will be good for five more."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0176
Erupted as we quietly rode.
She then threw it out,
The brash gadabout,
Now the rubber, no doubt, meets the road!
--- Al Willis T9710
He lives in that cupboard. His job
Is to stop impregnation
Without hesitation,
On hearing my rubberless knob.
--- Anon
And the one he designed was quite gruesome:
It seemed strangely confused
But was meant to be used
By three people instead of a twosome.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G0710
Kept a condom wrapped up in his hankie --
He boyscoutly declared
"I'm always prepared
For sneezes or safe hanky-panky!"
--- Johnny Randy a
"I'm put off by the trick and the con:
And the ads haven't fibbed
In their saying I'm ribbed;
There's a Scot who keeps putting me on!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
Left nothing, but nothing to chance;
For fellows who donned 'em,
She'd all kinds of condom --
As well as a spare pair of pants.
--- Norm Storer
Found conditions that could have been worse.
When they both were undressed,
"I've no condoms," he confessed.
She said, "Take three or four from my purse."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0407
Who thought he'd been brought by the stork.
His Pa was no better;
He bought a French letter,
And tested its strength with a fork.
--- Anon
"Do not think that there's nothing much to it;
You've no reason to smirk;
Testing condoms's hard work,
But a civic type guy's got to do it."
--- Armand Singer
Had a tool like the arm of Charles Bronson.
"Goddammit!" he thought
"Can't fit in these rubbers I bought.
I think I'll settle for your mom, son."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Which caused population explosions.
So fast they conceived
That we're led to believe
They had almost no knowledge of Trojans.
--- Conch a
Shapes of all sorts of creatures, of course;
But an artist named Fred
Worked with condoms, instead,
And constructed a new Trojan Horse!
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
By a strong man lying above,
Is tempered by reason
And a strong sense of season,
When her lover's pecker is ungloved.
--- Anthony Tanaka-Burns
That old Bob would disturb us no more,
By locking the cupboard.
But if I'm unrubbered
I promise, my love, I'll withdraw.
--- Anon
"Is sex all day, fun or just tryin?"
"Oh, it's fun, there's no doubt,
Hell, I wear myself out!
But these condom bills, Man! I'm just dyin'."
--- Actaeon
'Cause I never know what I need.
They're handy in the car
When you have to drive far,
And you can't afford to stop and go pee.
--- K M Smith TP9802
MORE