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Disposable condoms? Not me! She's going away for two weeks; There was a young fellow named Oram, (Varioram - classic text with notes by several people)
A gent with a condom or three, With vaginas, always be cautious; When a boy and a girl have a date One gal that I fancied and loved Then she said when the full moon was regnant, Before you start the next hump, People called him the con man, old Jack; I hope you will still remember Today with the state of the risks, A nervous young lady named Cheryl, It's a good way to control If you really want to enamour, Let's not be so IMPETUOUS! My son, some advice I'll bequeath, "It's dead, Jim," said Dr. McCoy. She reminds me of Annabelle Lovett, Adlines for condoms are a heap, Disposable condoms? Not me! Dusseldorf hosts a fine stock of whores; Wear rubbers: be sure that you've donned 'em A young woman from Southland-on-Sea, After first having strictly apprised The first time he started to shag her, Your stupid lament left me numb; The conception that condoms make safe There was a young fellow named Grubber, There's no need to be depressed; To bed with your lover you go; The dignified lady named Sanger, Take time for your own protection; A covered tool is always best Since ladies will bat their eyelashes Come teach me French by the ocean, "I can't find a girl who will do it," "When I was a lad," said the Squire, They used to be made of sheep gut. He took the sweet virgin to dine; Said a young man of Novorossisk, Before you should venture to shack her, A blight left the king's royal purse There was a young fellow called Simon There was a young man of Madras A young knight from the city of London, The problem with all that tin-plate, For she is long gone, down the lane. "And give me a look at that dick. There once was a machinist from London, There was a young man up in Utah, They say it's according to Hoyle. A perfectly miraculous new plastic Since you're the Grocer, just strap I've had to resort to the bane Overwhelmed by your spendthrift ways Venetia, though lusting for Josh, is My wife she does too insist, I can tell by the elephants' kissing, Young Josephine thinks it a lark, I'll give Josephine a wee tip Your friend's a reliable source, A Roman who hailed from Barundum (there is no disputing taste)
To a bereaved widow of Barrrientos, Your lust, dear, is really quite wanton, At risk to commit apostasy, From the Crusades these knights brought home
I hang mine up in a tree.
I like to display
All I use in a day,
So all people passing can see!
--- Possum TP9802
Of expectations, her packing list speaks.
Swim-suit bottom -- no bra,
Sunless tanner -- one jar,
Eighteen Trojans and twenty-four Sheiks.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0510Q
A model of tact and decorum.
When about to fuck Grishkin,
He pulled out a fishskin
From the leaves of the Keats variorum.
--- L0951
Met a lass on the streets of Paris.
He asked, "Are these needed?"
She smiled and conceded,
"It depends on what's in it for me."
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
The look and the smell make you nauseous.
You need never fear,
Doesn't mean that you're queer;
Just jump in, but wear your galoshes.
--- John Chastaine
And it looks like he'll get to homeplate,
They must have protection
To ward off infection,
Though it's better, of course, if they wait.
--- F R Duplantier
Insisted my dong must be gloved.
But congress was cursed
That night when it burst,
And straight out the door I was shoved.
--- SFA
In the eighth Tolletanian segment,
"Oh, let us be married,
Too long have we tarried--
Not a moment too soon 'cause I'm pregnant.
--- Jester Jon
Or on her bones you try to jump,
No need to scrub her,
But reach for a rubber.
It is wise to cover your stump.
--- Jim Weaver Collection A
He designed basic condoms in black;
"It's a color," he said,
"More refined than bright red,
And helps fend off the sperm that attack."
--- Armand Singer
Advice I gave about your member.
"Try a new tactic:
A prophylactic,
Now 'fore the flame is an ember!"
--- Marlene
STD's have risen in our midst,
That cannot be treated,
So they should be cheated
By double-bagging our obelisks.
--- Azul A
Said in bed, when she'd shed her apparel,
"I'm sick of you lubbers
Who forget to bring rubbers,
So I sure as hell hope that you're sterile."
--- G1642
That stuff coming out of your pole.
Keep it in check
By golly, by heck;
Birth control should be the final goal.
--- Anon
Remember the rules of good grammar!
But prefix your chubber!
(Forget not the rubber)
Then conjugate! (You know, slam-bam her!)
--- Anon
Though ready for the act lecherous,
I really believe
No need to conceive.
So why don't a condom you get for us?"
--- Chris Papa
For fun with less risk of the wreath.
Though otherwise bare,
Be careful and wear
A condom's IMPERVIOUS sheath.
--- Nick
"Allergic to Earth jizz, my boy.
See how its butt
Is swollen tight shut?
Don latex before you deploy!"
--- H Welchel
Who most of the chaps really covet.
She pulled up her dress
But fears SDS,
Crying, "Shove it, but let Lovett glove it!"
--- RanDog
Some classy and some really cheap.
A good one I remember,
Didn't refer to any member,
But simply read 'Look Before You Leap!'
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Not good environmentally.
So listen, sex-lubbers,
Recycle those rubbers;
Mr Clean will keep them germ-free!
--- Writerman T9801
If enticed, you can sniff 'round their drawers.
If so, dress your prick
In a condom real thick.
We don't want you returning with sores.
--- Jack
(Your druggist may use the term "condom");
They're cheap and they're safe,
What's more they don't chafe.
And sperm will not spurt out beyond 'em.
--- Armand E Singer 768a
Seduced by a large chimpanzee,
Gave it a directive:
"You'll wear this protective
And not make a monkey out of me!"
--- H Myer T9711
My organ, the druggist advised,
"You must practice safe sex
And to save you perplex,
These condoms, you see, Sir, comes sized."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9509
The wife of a fellow called Jagger
Shouted, "Hell's teeth!
Please put on a sheath--
Your dick is as sharp as a dagger!"
--- Michael Horgan
And gold stars, I'd have given it none.
But your Dad should be flamed,
Because he's to blame
For not using condoms with your mum.
--- Anon
Gave the bishops in Spain a real chafe.
The pope is didactic
On acts prophylactic:
He demands that you wear only faith.
--- Limerick Savant
Who went out with a dirty old scrubber.
He wisely said, "If
I do not want syph,
When I fuck her I'd best use a rubber."
--- Alexander Baron
Preventing disease can be addressed.
To allow safer sex,
Use that good old latex,
While doing the thing you like best!
--- Kaylin
Be sure that safe sex you both know.
No GRAVAMEN later
For baby creator;
Correctly use condom. Gung-ho!
--- Elois
Rebuffed his suggestion with anger.
She required contraception
And VD protection
Before she'd allow him to bang her.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0303
Slip a hood on that erection.
It's so importan'
To cap your horton,
Or you could get a 'staff' infection. (staph? - McW)
--- Anon
This is file onm
If you flit around outside your nest.
Avoid the odd birth
And the tabloid mirth,
By keeping your seeds all suppressed.
--- Marlene Lewis
And offer their dripping-wet snatches
While you're on the road,
You need in your load
Protection; so take your gamashes.
--- Anon
The language makes one crave emotion,
Oh the waves we can make
When your tongue makes me quake;
But you better be wearing your Trojan.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said Tommy to Squire Mr Hewitt.
"I got those new light
Weight condoms all right,
But the girlies just laugh and say screw it."
--- Peter Wilkins
"Them condoms were thick as a tyre,
And heavy as lead,
But the depth of the tread
Was what set the girls all on fire.
--- Peter Wilkins
Effective enough, fellows, but
It deadened your nerves;
But sheep-shagging pervs
Got double the thrill on a rut.
--- Tiddy Ogg
To seduce her, he started his line.
He remembered, "Oh rot!
Any condoms I've not!"
"Here," she said, "use one of mine."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0208
"I use vulcanization by Fisk.
Of course it comes higher,
But when it's time to retire,
You can frisk with a minimal risk."
--- L0950
Or boldly try to attack her,
Please don't be a Bubba,
Just reach for a rubba.
You should first put a wrap on your whacker!
--- Al Willis
With but a gold rubber (perverse!)
When his wife and child died,
His Majesty cried,
"My condom for a hearse."
--- Writerman
Who for years couldn't pierce his wife's hymen,
Till he hit on the trick
Of sheathing his prick
In a steel condom studded with diamond.
--- G1608A
Who made a French Safe out of brass.
It didn't expand
As fast as his gland,
And he blew out the cheeks of his ass.
--- G2037
In the room of a maiden he turned on,
But then she said "Ho!
Just stop and go
On with a big iron condom."
--- Anon
Is it's such a palaver to mate.
When you find a young hussy,
Who's flashing her pussy,
By the time you've climbed out, it's too late.
--- Anon
She's boffing some other young swain.
And you might hear her cry,
As you wander close by,
"Canned food I can't stand, now then Guy...
--- Anon
It's juicy, I've just got to lick."
She's having great fun,
So you might as well run
To your horse, there, and play with his prick.
--- Anon
Used a grindstone of pure carborundum.
Stretching across his bench
To retrieve a big wrench,
He wished he'd been wearing a steel condom.
--- Laurence Craft
Who constructed a condom of pewter.
He said, "I confess,
You feel nothing, or less,
But it makes you as safe as a neuter.
--- L1553
Before you should dipstick her oil,
It's OK to tease,
But remember disease,
And be sure to wrap it in foil!
--- Jim Weaver Collection a
Has been used to perfect this prophylactic.
So use without fear,
It's been tested a year
On a profligate, satyrite spastic.
--- Lost Lims Bar BalladG2186
On a 14 inch cucumber; wrap
It in cling-film. That way
You can fuck every day
For those porn mags and not get the clap.
--- Anon
Of good old polyurethane.
Realiity brand
Can handle my gland;
The six dollar price though -- a pain.
--- H Welchel
And the amount you are willing to pay,
Six dollars a pop.
If we go non-stop,
You'll be broke or dead the next day.
--- Marlene
Allergic to splashes and sploshes,
Insisting he wears
Rubber johnnies and pairs
Of incontinence panties and galoshes.
--- Peter Wilkins
That my seminal bursts do desist.
She covers my cock
With old wooly socks,
And a wader when I am just pissed.
--- Matt Edwell
And their copious pooping and pissing,
That they're planning to mate,
Which I think is just great,
Except one of my glad bags is missing.
--- Actaeon A
To be watched having sex in the park.
And for evening-time trysts
With her lovers, insists
They wear condoms that glow in the dark.
--- Peter Wilkins
From a friend who I know as Pip:
"Coondoms phosphorescent
Will lead to unpleasant
Small creatures, 'cause they're prone to rip."
--- Frank
'Cause one night on Epsom Race Course,
My trusty glow-worm
Was spilling its sperm,
Because I was using the "Force".
--- SFA
Used a dried hedgehog's hide for a condom.
His mistress did shout,
As he pulled the thing out:
De gustibus non disputandum!
--- G2250
Her marital divertimentos
Are so sentimental,
Even things contraceptal--
Old fishskins are dearest mementos.
--- L0912
But this talk of flames creates a conundrum.
How to protect my willie
When we're screwing silly,
I may need an asbestos condom!
--- Lars
The QUONDAM beliefs are lost, I see.
Instead of rubber,
Condoms of flubber
Take her to new heights of ecstasy.
--- Daniel Ford
Strange condoms for a Christian bone;
Sheepskins or such
For a fine classy touch,
But leave cheap camel guts alone!
--- Allen Wolverton
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