In Europe the bureaucrats reign,
And their rules are just simply insane.
Now they've standardized on
The right size on con-
Dom -- too small for us Brits in the main.
--- Peter Wilkins a

"We've tested it well," they assert,
"On a normal size guy name of Bert."
But the silly old fools
With their measuring rules,
Didn't allow for the volume of squirt.
--- Peter Wilkins a

Her spouse was of passionate race,
So she kept a coil always in place.
But he thought it was better
To use a French letter
When the moon was at full--just in case.
--- G1711

A Benningtone student named Grace,
Slipped a barbed-wire pessary in place.
Her Chinese professor, (instructor,)
Bent down to caress her, (Frenched rather than fucked her,)

--- G2019

There was a young girl from Hong Kong,
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang the bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong."
--- L1438

Test tube baby -- procedure quite new;
Some folks welcome, some folks eschew.
What have we right here?
Embryo belvedere,
Described as a womb with a view!

(Must be a fiberglass diaphragm - McW)
--- Friar A

Lady Eva of East Birmingham,
Got herself in a terrible jam.
While out on a bust,
She put too much trust,
In the fit of a friend's diaphragm.
--- Anon

The strange inter-uterine device,
Which many folks think ain't too nice,
They say first appears,
Back 2000 years,
In camels. That made you look twice.
--- Tiddy Ogg

When long desert crossings would loom,
A pregnant she-camel spelled doom.
This hazard was skirted,
When fellas inserted
Smooth stones in the hump backed beast's womb.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A modern young lady named Hall,
Attended a birth-control ball.
She was loaded with pessaries
And other accessories,
But no one asked her at all.
--- L0931A

I met a young coed in Bakersfield
Who protected herself with a Dacon Shield.
While her classmates were stewing
She kept right on screwing
Assuming the gadget would make her sealed.
--- Jemstone P2006

The safety device that Miss Schott
Inserts before sex when she's hot
Was popped by Joe Gissing...
Now a period is missing,
Which worries them both quite a lot.
--- Grand Prix Lim 173 a

A young lassie from Highland Park,
Treated her exploits as a lark.
So many men roamed
Through contraceptual foam,
Her snatch was declared a National Park.
--- Anon

On honeymoon in these northern plains,
With jellies and foams she took pains;
He said: "Where's your pearl necklace;
It looks too damn reckless.
To go into that mess without chains!"
--- Anon

Yes, a bumbershoot just isn't necessary
As a sexual pleasure accessory.
But a woman who'd care
Not to be Cherie Blair
Had best give some thought to a pessary.
--- Anon

While a girl was away on a trip,
Her diaphragm started to slip.
Not content just to suck,
'Cause she wanted to fuck,
She glued it in with Poli-Grip.
--- Anon

When diffident Milquetoast makes hay,
He first kneels to ponder and pray.
Then rubber and diaphragm
Protect him and his nervous ma'am,
But by then his yen's gone away.
--- G1666

Tea bags are cheap, each grocer has 'em,
And they'll catch all the jizz from spasm.
Buy the ones with a string,
Or you'll not get the thing,
From out of that vagismal chasm.
--- Anon

I can't believe I've never tried 'em!
These bags, are they good when I've dried 'em?
Or must they be new
To soak up me spew,
And kill all the swimmers inside 'em?
--- Anon

There was a young girl of penzance
Who went to a Birth Control dance,
Complete with accessories,
French letters and pessaries,
And then had to dance with a nance.
--- G2454

The King gave the press a hot scoop,
Advocating a birth control group.
"My kingdom to these,
If they use I.U.D.'s,
Which you might say 'is throne for a loop'.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9408

Sue Ellen who lives in a trailer,
Thought her diaphragm never would fail her.
She used too little jelly;
Had three guys on her belly;
Now she takes all her skirts to the tailor.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

Said a jealous old maid, "Men aren't necess'ry,
And a penis is just an accessory.
For freedom from fear,
And a thrill in the rear,
I'll stick to my old rubber pessary."
--- Anon

I love the Victoria Sponge,
So much that I've taken the plunge
And set up a fixture
For stirring her mixture
And filling her center with gunge.
--- Anon

There once was a whore named Sue Fallon,
Whose pussy was as sweet as a melon!
She kept it so clean
Douching with gasoline,
That she got forty fucks to the gallon!
--- Laurence Craft

Said a whore to the doc in Duquesne:
"This bastard is hard to explain.
I douche and I douche
After every darn poosh--
It must be a damned sturdy strain!"
--- G1655

It seem little Audrey McCassion
Made this sage remark about passion,
"While banging is fun,
When my fellow is done,
To douching it's time to be dashin'.
--- Grand Prix Lim 711

Louis Quinze was both vigorous and huge,
And when Pompadour started to douche,
The King said with a sigh,
"That's what happens when I
Have been there. APRES MOI, LE DELUGE.
--- Isaac Asimov

A lazy young woman name May,
Was a torrid but troublesome lay.
She was prone to conceive,
So made haste to achieve
A bed with a built-in bidet.
--- L0944

A thoughtless young girl said, "Oh my!
My apron is rising quite high.
Since I carefully douched
Every time that we pooshed,
I really am wondering why."
--- G1693

These stories I tell are no joke;
On radio they're told by some bloke,
And here's one more recent,
And slightly more decent:
Try douching, girls, with Diet Coke.
--- Anon

The deliciously sexy Miss Pate,
Who'd been screwed seven times on a date,
Said, "No, I don't mind it--
I take life as I find it,
But forgetting my douche bag, I HATE!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 538 G1702

Now ladies, la douche vinaigrette,
Is certainly not a safe bet.
So in this position,
Go seek a physician,
And quick; or you may know regret.
--- Anon

This is file olm

"Fallopian tube dead ahead!"
Cried the sperm as he upwardly sped.
Then the splosh and the sploosh
And the whoosh of a douche,
Swept him downwards and outward instead.
--- Peter Wilkins

Poor little sperm, how he tried
To keep to his path deep inside.
It was too much
When given that flush;
He cried and he cried as he died.
--- Arden

There was a young girl of Claridge's
Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is.
When you stop to think,
I've poured down the sink
Five abortions and fifty miscarriages!"
--- L0920A

"Oh No!" said Petunia in tears.
Please not the German draft beers.
Too cold for my twat;
I want something hot,
Though rum may loosen my gears.
--- Kathi Webster

Oh stop, I abhor women's tears.
With me, they fall on deaf ears.
I'll put rum on your bum,
In the front some alum,
And fuck you till I strip your gears.
--- MrMalo

On the eve of their date, she did douche,
For she knew, in his covered barouche, (shallow carriage)
Once out of town,
He would surely go down,
And his pecker, all hard, would debouch.
--- Cap'n Bean P9902

The prices they're charging today
For douches and jellies and spray,
May be too fucking high,
But the chemist knows why;
If it's fucking you want, you must pay.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2338

"Methinks I should have me a douche,"
The Queen said to Duchess Lafouche.
"Please give me a hand...
Oh, wait, let me stand...
Now, give this old douche bag a pouche!"
--- Anon

With DESULTORY birth control,
You may produce another soul.
Eschew fools' advice,
Get tested device.
Fizz colas do not fill the role.
--- Elois

A very nice woman named Jean
Thought that sex was impure and unclean.
So in case she did wrong,
She would carry along
A portable bathing machine.
--- Isaac Asimov

There was an old whore from Marseilles,
Who tried a new rotary spray.
Said she, "Ah, that's better--
Why here's a French letter
That's been missing since Armistice Day!"
--- L0943

An Arapaho given to screwing
Laid a lush tourist dolly from Ewing.
As he slowly withdrew,
He said, "Heap good cunt, you.
Now douche yourself, babe and quit stewing."
--- G0799

Ed, the first time he went to a whore,
Saw a rubber bag hung on the door;
Then, the twist grabbed his dick,
And he shot off so quick
That he still doesn't know what it's for.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8710

In Rome, sighed Gena Marie Zumcoosha,
"I'm sick and a tired wit' da poosh-a.
When I lie on my back
An' you fill-a da crack,
An' I gotta get uppa and doosh-a!"
--- Larry Wilde

The inflammatory Linden La Rouche,
Told his laughing wife, "Ferme la bouche'"
'Cause she said it was rank
When he, by mistake, drank
Her premeasured Summers Eve douche.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0410

The toilet I used in Givet
Was designed kind of strange, I would say.
The maid was upset;
Her name was Colette.
She said, "It is called a bidet."

(Wash the baby in? No, wash the baby out.)
--- Al Willis

A traveling salesman named Strother
Claims he never has yet been a father,
Unaware that Miss Johnson
In Combined Locks, Wisconsin,
Has had twins, since to douche was a bother.
--- G1723

"My Lord", said the wench to her master,
"Forgive me but tell not my pastor.
I partook in the bollocks
Of a young cook named Pollux,
Then purged from the oil of his Castor."
--- Stiffy Joe T9707

A precocious young siren named Snider
For a douche use a slug of fresh cider.
Her pop, in his ire,
Said he had a cash buyer...
Not for cider, but the douche trap insider.
--- Grand Prix Lim 296

A countess, immoral and louche, (devious)
Took her butler out in the Barouche. (shallow carriage)
The dutiful soul
Served a most thorough roll,
Then tea and a vinegar douch.
--- Lucy

She was; I remember her well,
On account of that vinegar smell.
And the douche made her lips
Pucker up at the tips,
Causing suction exceedingly swell.
--- Peter Wilkins

Said the Guru to innocent Jill,
"Go on acid and fly, and the pill."
When all three failed to work,
Little Jill went berserk,
And her Guru bugged out for Brazil.
--- Pierce Evans

A family of twenty had Kelly.
When asked why, he replied, that's the hell. He
Came home and was fed,
Then with wife went to bed,
And they spent their time belly to belly.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1413

A family of twenty had Kelly,
For he never used condoms or jelly.
When they asked, "What's the score?"
He replied, "I'd have more,
But my wife never bathes and is smelly."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1414

The method called "rhythm's" sublime,
Especially recounted in rhyme.
And when John got lucky,
Never swelling one fuckee,
It seem, too, his prayers were in time.

Contraceptives are high priced and this
Could result in disruption of bliss.
If the cost is too steep,
You'll find rhythm is cheap,
But the price will be high if you miss.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-3014a

Four sets of twins she did give him;
Eight babies she has made with him.
That poor wornout soul
Needs to learn birth control --
Not rely on a method like rhythm!
--- Kaylin Brandon

In Monash and Gowrie and Chisolm,
People practice the method called rhythm.
There are babies in hordes
In the hospital wards,
And creeches are overwhelmed with 'em.
--- Roger Ley

You said rhythm method, you knew it.
(But somehow, somewhere, you blew it.)
You danced a soft-shoe
And sang me some blues,
And said, "There, I think that should do it!"
--- Ericka

In China, so scholars now say,
To kill off the sperm, here's one way:
Drink cotton seed oil,
Your spunk you will spoil...
A great Chinese sperm take-away.
--- Anon

Her brain is remarkably hollow
And her efforts at logic don't follow.
Conceiving this demon
Wasted ovum and semen;
Too bad her mom wouldn't swallow.
--- Sarah Freeman

The ladder of comfort's next rung,
Was reached by Egyptians, who'd bung
The lady's vagina
With something much finer:
A dollop of crocodile dung.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I got into bed with Dolores,
And her diaphragm proved to be porous.
The result of our sins,
Was a fine pair of twins,
Now the birth control people abhor us.
--- Isaac Asimov

A president called Gambetta,
Once used an imperfect French letter.
This was not the worst,
With disease he was cursed,
`nd he took a long time to get better.

(Published 1879)
--- L1094