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He dated young girls and he conned 'em; The first chapter was really quite queer "I'm still on the pill," said my Kate. Said the midwife, whose name was Marie, Making love on the beach was just dandy; A lady from far Ulan Bater It somehow seems highly ironical A witty philosopher lad I was desolate, sick from my passion, Though the Vatican says, "All it takes To a newly-wed couple in bed It's important that kids see the light Said a dumb young girl named Ellie, A German girl on the River Rhine, I have brothers, seven in all What is funny is that one of them, I have lots of siblings, that's true; A very large family had Peaks, One needn't be bright or perceptive, "I never use condoms", he said, A married guy and girl named Cruther A promiscuous tech named Louise "No escaping from this!" I told Jeanie In observing the mores of Norfolk, When man fails to grasp his own worth There was a young couple from Kent, There was a young man of Cape Horn, (Also A C Swinburne re Linda March)
An heirloom was found by young Lorne, There was a young fellow named Peter, There was a young lady demure, Clarissa Jane thought it was fun, By the time of their fifth anniversary, A father of thirteen, named Horace, A huge family had Mrs O'Rourke; She did it on March thirty-first; A gal with a lisp came from Lytham, You think she'd want me as a Jockey? There was a young pessimist, Grotton, Dumb Irving and dumber girl, Joy, There was an Old Man of Cape Horn, The water was languid and salty, It's a shame, dad, to hear you say All was quiet, until the McCoys An ignorant cowboy from Tuscon A young married couple named Waring And what's worse, 'twas all girls that she bore; The physician for hopeful Ms. Whitter I once knew a woman called Gail, I once went around to her place, An exciting young woman named Potts There once was a doctor from Kemp A dolly from Denver named Jill A cautious young cockster named Lyle (lettassalone and noassitol also work)
We met in the back of my car; A hot-blooded fellow named Strand, A fellow who slept with a whore (Let the buyer beware)
A couple who screwed on the heath, Too poor to buy condoms, McCune An angry young maiden named Susan However, I do have a gift The child of the limerick muses, That "method" will fail, you can bet; "Having children," said Evelyn Waugh, A lad with his life was disgusted A certain young man of St. Paul, Withdrawal, according to Freud,
He remembered the condoms and donned 'em.
But when, somewhat later,
DNA proved him "pater",
He took his belongings and pawned 'em.
--- John E Mayhood P0108
And 'twas plagerized boldly, I fear.
For he stole line for line
From a true to life sign --
Planned Parenthood: Enter in Rear!
--- Anon
We discussed it from morning till late.
And then while we rapped,
I think we were zapped
By the old fickle finger of fate.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
"I always give condoms for free.
Though they're not grade A,
The ladies don't pay,
And it makes much more business for me."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun
As it happened, a condom was handy.
But with friction galore
The rubber sheath tore;
The resulting sweet child is called Sandy.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
Said, "I can't think what is the matter.
My new contraceptive
Is clearly defective --
I'm growing perceptibly fatter."
--- Anon
That a Londoner laid Miss McGonical,
And, having no rubber,
The sex-crazed lubber
Whipped out and inserted his monocle!
--- G0623
"Drink tea -- won't get pregnant!" he said.
When asked by young Gwenn:
"Before? After? When?"
The answer came crushing "Instead!"
--- Anon
And sought for my need, a wee ration.
But don't be distraught,
'Cause I pulled 'fore I shot,
And was faithful to you, in my fashion.
--- Anon
Is the will-power to put on the brakes."
And we know "Interruptus"
Would never corrupt us,
This conception is prone to mistakes.
--- Barrie Collins
A wise doctor is known to have said:
"To avoid a papoose
Drink a glass of orange juice --
No before or just after -- instead!"
--- Armand E Singer 3
And with 'Birds and the Bees', get it right:
It's not Storks in the morn
That cause babes to be born,
It's all due to the Larks in the night!
--- Val Burns P0510Q
Who always had babes in her belly,
"I need to question
My contraception,
'Cause I always use K-Y jelly."
--- Tom Patton P9604a
Went out with a Yank for a hell of a time.
The rubber broke,
The juice flew out,
And now he's the father of a square-head Kraut.
--- Anon
And alas, they are all 6 feet tall.
I remember when
I could wrestle them in,
But they grew and I stayed small.
--- Azul
Along with my sister, the gem,
Were born betwixt
My son-daughter mix,
So I could be their Mom in theorem.
--- Azul
In fact, even more than you:
Four brothers, plus me,
And six all called she;
So you wonder just what my folks do.
--- Vlad
And he sat in remorse for some weeks.
When asked why, he replied,
"God knows that I've tried,
But the condom I use has some leaks!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1420a
To tell that your pitch was deceptive.
You can tell from my belly
That this goddamn jelly
Was less that the best contraceptive.
--- Pierce Evans
"When I take a new girl to my bed.
I look after my dong
'Cause my foreskin's so long,
I can pull it right over my head."
--- Anon
Are soon to be father and mother.
The event they don't bless;
It's a terrible mess;
They're married, but not to each other.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0511Q
Was so fearful of catching disease,
She availed Lab Supplies,
And coated her thighs,
In a thick layer of stop-cock grease.
--- Alex Heydon P0406
As I carefully covered my weenie.
But the damned thing rolled off
When we started to boff,
So we've nicknamed the bastard "Houdini"
--- Anon
From the rich, upper crust to the poor folk,
I would say they've agreed
On the obvious need
For continued production of more folk.
--- Keith MacMillan A119A
And increases by uncontrolled birth,
He will die, I do think,
In a terrible stink,
For there'll be no fresh air on this earth.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2845
Who spent the weekend in a tent.
He got an erection,
But had no protection,
So she packed up her bags and went.
--- Lims For Year - 01
Who wished he had never been born.
Nor would he have been,
If his parents had seen,
The end of rubber was torn.
--- Algernon C Swinburn L0917
A condom all battered and torn.
He said, "Father was dull,
With no brains in his skull,
Or I surely would not have been born."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2166
Who was laying his gal with a cheater,
When the rubber thing broke,
And started to smoke,
From friction with her piss-hole (ureter).
--- L0955
Who messed up her shapely contour,
And she sadly did mention
That an ounce of prevention
Would have given her five pounds of cure.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1409
That morning we spent in the sun.
The condom I wore
Was weak and it tore;
Now her oven is stuffed with a bun.
Al and Vicky had filled up the nursery.
Though they meant to take care --
Keep his safes in repair --
Their inspection was frequently cursory.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8308
Was hung like a Tyrannosaurus.
Is the reason far-fetched
That a condom, when stretched
To the maximum, tends to be porous?
--- Alex Heydon P0410
This is file okm
Wee Tommy was told 'twas the stork'.
Then he saw them in bed,
And cheerily said,
'It's time that old stork brought a cork.'
--- Alex Jamieson P0504
Her April fool trick was the worst.
A Merck employee, Mabel
Reversed drug product labels,
So now many people are cursed.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q
A Catholic, she had to use rhythm.
When her dates tried to mate,
'Twas their fate to abate,
"Wait till Thunday to therve me your jithm."
--- Anon
She may need somebody more cocky.
If she's just a hack,
I'll ride her bare-back,
While playing a game of horse-hockey!
--- Anon
Who wished he had ne'er been begotton.
Nor would he have been,
But the rubber was thin,
At right at the tip it was rotten.
--- L0918A
Lack spermicide, thus they employ
Some rubber solution.
The tale's strange conclusion:
They now have a fine bouncing boy.
--- Anon
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat in a chair
Till he died of despair.
If that damned thing just hadn't been torn...
--- Edwardian Leer 029
So after some drinks, cool and malty,
We met in the foam...
Now a baby at home
Proves a saltwater douche can be faulty.
--- John Miller
I'm the result of some frothy foray.
The effort it took me
To arrive at the ovary,
Should not cause you such a dismay.
--- Reqluq
Found a perfect formula for noise:
A fertility pill
Plus a trust in God's will,
Equals three extra girls and four boys!
--- Prof M-G T9711
Thought it safe to have sex with a noose on,
But the thing didn't work.
Now he's saddled, poor jerk,
With a squaw with a little pappucson.
--- Keith MacMillan A015B
Had three sets of twins, how despairing!
He filed for divorce,
And the reason, of course,
Was because she was too overbearing.
--- Observer
He might have put up with, say four.
But six was too much.
The nags, whines and such,
Soon drove the poor sap out the door.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Prescribed her a potion. While bitter,
It did the trick though.
She bore Jim, Jack, Bob, Joe,
Amy and Peg completed the litter.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
Who filled up her pussy with snails,
But rather'd use slugs.
"They kill off the bugs,"
She said, "That are left there by males."
--- Anon
Not knowing she did things so base.
I gave cunnilingus;
'Twas okay, the thing is:
I'd snail trails all over my face.
--- Anon
Had six little flaxen-haired tots.
Then she said, "That's enough!
No more of that stuff!"
And tied herself tightly in knots.
--- Limber Limericks
Who said "Birth control is just for wimps.
I tell you it's true;
A sharp rock in your shoe,
Almost certainly will make you limp."
--- Anon
Each evening would swallow a pill.
And when she conceived,
So great was she grieved,
She sued the drug store for a mill.
--- Larry Wilde
Sought help from those numbers you dial:
"Tell me, how can I, maybe,
Keep from having a baby?"
"Try wonderdrug sulfadenial."
--- Armand E Singer 28
She said "Dear, we can't go too far!"
I'm not on the pill
And your taste makes me ill,
So I guess that you'd best use this jar.
--- Anon
Whose love-life got way out of hand,
Fucked nightly his lover
Without rubber cover;
Result: 13 offspring unplanned.
--- Armand Singer
Used a safe, but his pecker got sore.
Said he with chagrin,
"Selling these is a sin."
Said the druggist, "Caveat emptor."
--- L1126
Had trouble applying the sheath.
It got torn by the thorn
Of a bitter hawthorn;
The result was a lamer named Keith.
--- Anon
Used an old ten-cent rubber balloon
On the tenth of September.
The new McCune member
Will be born in the middle of June.
--- William N Nesbit
Complained that her boyfriend was usin'
A stinking old sock
To muffle his cock,
Which she thought neither safe nor amusin'.
--- Hugh Oliver A119B
For trouble brought on by my thrift --
"I'd no condom ... Okay?"
"Well, it's my fertile day ..."
I rejoiced that I'd brought up a fifth.
Entertains and the reader amuses.
Such child then gives birth
To some metrical mirth,
Through the rhythm method she uses.
--- Res Ipsa
A new child you surely will get.
When wifey gets hot,
The "method is shot.
We call it Vatican Roulette.
--- Frank Fazed
"Is really a bit of a bore.
We wanted a few
But when Auberon was two,
We said: 'Oh let's not have any more'."
--- Kevin Hale Q
And he wished that his dad had not lusted.
But it wasn't the lust,
For his dad had his trust
In a rubber so worn that it busted.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2023
Consistently practiced withdrawal.
This quaint predilection
Created such friction,
He soon had no foreskin at all.
--- L0979
Is a very good thing to avoid.
If practiced each day,
Your balls will decay
To the size of a small adenoid.
--- L0980
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