He dated young girls and he conned 'em;
He remembered the condoms and donned 'em.
But when, somewhat later,
DNA proved him "pater",
He took his belongings and pawned 'em.
--- John E Mayhood P0108

The first chapter was really quite queer
And 'twas plagerized boldly, I fear.
For he stole line for line
From a true to life sign --
Planned Parenthood: Enter in Rear!
--- Anon

"I'm still on the pill," said my Kate.
We discussed it from morning till late.
And then while we rapped,
I think we were zapped
By the old fickle finger of fate.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Said the midwife, whose name was Marie,
"I always give condoms for free.
Though they're not grade A,
The ladies don't pay,
And it makes much more business for me."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

Making love on the beach was just dandy;
As it happened, a condom was handy.
But with friction galore
The rubber sheath tore;
The resulting sweet child is called Sandy.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209

A lady from far Ulan Bater
Said, "I can't think what is the matter.
My new contraceptive
Is clearly defective --
I'm growing perceptibly fatter."
--- Anon

It somehow seems highly ironical
That a Londoner laid Miss McGonical,
And, having no rubber,
The sex-crazed lubber
Whipped out and inserted his monocle!
--- G0623

A witty philosopher lad
"Drink tea -- won't get pregnant!" he said.
When asked by young Gwenn:
"Before? After? When?"
The answer came crushing "Instead!"
--- Anon

I was desolate, sick from my passion,
And sought for my need, a wee ration.
But don't be distraught,
'Cause I pulled 'fore I shot,
And was faithful to you, in my fashion.
--- Anon

Though the Vatican says, "All it takes
Is the will-power to put on the brakes."
And we know "Interruptus"
Would never corrupt us,
This conception is prone to mistakes.
--- Barrie Collins

To a newly-wed couple in bed
A wise doctor is known to have said:
"To avoid a papoose
Drink a glass of orange juice --
No before or just after -- instead!"
--- Armand E Singer 3

It's important that kids see the light
And with 'Birds and the Bees', get it right:
It's not Storks in the morn
That cause babes to be born,
It's all due to the Larks in the night!
--- Val Burns P0510Q

Said a dumb young girl named Ellie,
Who always had babes in her belly,
"I need to question
My contraception,
'Cause I always use K-Y jelly."
--- Tom Patton P9604a

A German girl on the River Rhine,
Went out with a Yank for a hell of a time.
The rubber broke,
The juice flew out,
And now he's the father of a square-head Kraut.
--- Anon

I have brothers, seven in all
And alas, they are all 6 feet tall.
I remember when
I could wrestle them in,
But they grew and I stayed small.
--- Azul

What is funny is that one of them,
Along with my sister, the gem,
Were born betwixt
My son-daughter mix,
So I could be their Mom in theorem.
--- Azul

I have lots of siblings, that's true;
In fact, even more than you:
Four brothers, plus me,
And six all called she;
So you wonder just what my folks do.
--- Vlad

A very large family had Peaks,
And he sat in remorse for some weeks.
When asked why, he replied,
"God knows that I've tried,
But the condom I use has some leaks!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1420a

One needn't be bright or perceptive,
To tell that your pitch was deceptive.
You can tell from my belly
That this goddamn jelly
Was less that the best contraceptive.
--- Pierce Evans

"I never use condoms", he said,
"When I take a new girl to my bed.
I look after my dong
'Cause my foreskin's so long,
I can pull it right over my head."
--- Anon

A married guy and girl named Cruther
Are soon to be father and mother.
The event they don't bless;
It's a terrible mess;
They're married, but not to each other.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0511Q

A promiscuous tech named Louise
Was so fearful of catching disease,
She availed Lab Supplies,
And coated her thighs,
In a thick layer of stop-cock grease.
--- Alex Heydon P0406

"No escaping from this!" I told Jeanie
As I carefully covered my weenie.
But the damned thing rolled off
When we started to boff,
So we've nicknamed the bastard "Houdini"
--- Anon

In observing the mores of Norfolk,
From the rich, upper crust to the poor folk,
I would say they've agreed
On the obvious need
For continued production of more folk.
--- Keith MacMillan A119A

When man fails to grasp his own worth
And increases by uncontrolled birth,
He will die, I do think,
In a terrible stink,
For there'll be no fresh air on this earth.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2845

There was a young couple from Kent,
Who spent the weekend in a tent.
He got an erection,
But had no protection,
So she packed up her bags and went.
--- Lims For Year - 01

There was a young man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born.
Nor would he have been,
If his parents had seen,
The end of rubber was torn.

(Also A C Swinburne re Linda March)
--- Algernon C Swinburn L0917

An heirloom was found by young Lorne,
A condom all battered and torn.
He said, "Father was dull,
With no brains in his skull,
Or I surely would not have been born."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2166

There was a young fellow named Peter,
Who was laying his gal with a cheater,
When the rubber thing broke,
And started to smoke,
From friction with her piss-hole (ureter).
--- L0955

There was a young lady demure,
Who messed up her shapely contour,
And she sadly did mention
That an ounce of prevention
Would have given her five pounds of cure.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1409

Clarissa Jane thought it was fun,
That morning we spent in the sun.
The condom I wore
Was weak and it tore;
Now her oven is stuffed with a bun.

By the time of their fifth anniversary,
Al and Vicky had filled up the nursery.
Though they meant to take care --
Keep his safes in repair --
Their inspection was frequently cursory.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8308

A father of thirteen, named Horace,
Was hung like a Tyrannosaurus.
Is the reason far-fetched
That a condom, when stretched
To the maximum, tends to be porous?
--- Alex Heydon P0410

This is file okm

A huge family had Mrs O'Rourke;
Wee Tommy was told 'twas the stork'.
Then he saw them in bed,
And cheerily said,
'It's time that old stork brought a cork.'
--- Alex Jamieson P0504

She did it on March thirty-first;
Her April fool trick was the worst.
A Merck employee, Mabel
Reversed drug product labels,
So now many people are cursed.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0512Q

A gal with a lisp came from Lytham,
A Catholic, she had to use rhythm.
When her dates tried to mate,
'Twas their fate to abate,
"Wait till Thunday to therve me your jithm."
--- Anon

You think she'd want me as a Jockey?
She may need somebody more cocky.
If she's just a hack,
I'll ride her bare-back,
While playing a game of horse-hockey!
--- Anon

There was a young pessimist, Grotton,
Who wished he had ne'er been begotton.
Nor would he have been,
But the rubber was thin,
At right at the tip it was rotten.
--- L0918A

Dumb Irving and dumber girl, Joy,
Lack spermicide, thus they employ
Some rubber solution.
The tale's strange conclusion:
They now have a fine bouncing boy.
--- Anon

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat in a chair
Till he died of despair.
If that damned thing just hadn't been torn...
--- Edwardian Leer 029

The water was languid and salty,
So after some drinks, cool and malty,
We met in the foam...
Now a baby at home
Proves a saltwater douche can be faulty.
--- John Miller

It's a shame, dad, to hear you say
I'm the result of some frothy foray.
The effort it took me
To arrive at the ovary,
Should not cause you such a dismay.
--- Reqluq

All was quiet, until the McCoys
Found a perfect formula for noise:
A fertility pill
Plus a trust in God's will,
Equals three extra girls and four boys!
--- Prof M-G T9711

An ignorant cowboy from Tuscon
Thought it safe to have sex with a noose on,
But the thing didn't work.
Now he's saddled, poor jerk,
With a squaw with a little pappucson.
--- Keith MacMillan A015B

A young married couple named Waring
Had three sets of twins, how despairing!
He filed for divorce,
And the reason, of course,
Was because she was too overbearing.
--- Observer

And what's worse, 'twas all girls that she bore;
He might have put up with, say four.
But six was too much.
The nags, whines and such,
Soon drove the poor sap out the door.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The physician for hopeful Ms. Whitter
Prescribed her a potion. While bitter,
It did the trick though.
She bore Jim, Jack, Bob, Joe,
Amy and Peg completed the litter.
--- Loren Fitzhugh

I once knew a woman called Gail,
Who filled up her pussy with snails,
But rather'd use slugs.
"They kill off the bugs,"
She said, "That are left there by males."
--- Anon

I once went around to her place,
Not knowing she did things so base.
I gave cunnilingus;
'Twas okay, the thing is:
I'd snail trails all over my face.
--- Anon

An exciting young woman named Potts
Had six little flaxen-haired tots.
Then she said, "That's enough!
No more of that stuff!"
And tied herself tightly in knots.
--- Limber Limericks

There once was a doctor from Kemp
Who said "Birth control is just for wimps.
I tell you it's true;
A sharp rock in your shoe,
Almost certainly will make you limp."
--- Anon

A dolly from Denver named Jill
Each evening would swallow a pill.
And when she conceived,
So great was she grieved,
She sued the drug store for a mill.
--- Larry Wilde

A cautious young cockster named Lyle
Sought help from those numbers you dial:
"Tell me, how can I, maybe,
Keep from having a baby?"
"Try wonderdrug sulfadenial."

(lettassalone and noassitol also work)
--- Armand E Singer 28

We met in the back of my car;
She said "Dear, we can't go too far!"
I'm not on the pill
And your taste makes me ill,
So I guess that you'd best use this jar.
--- Anon

A hot-blooded fellow named Strand,
Whose love-life got way out of hand,
Fucked nightly his lover
Without rubber cover;
Result: 13 offspring unplanned.
--- Armand Singer

A fellow who slept with a whore
Used a safe, but his pecker got sore.
Said he with chagrin,
"Selling these is a sin."
Said the druggist, "Caveat emptor."

(Let the buyer beware)
--- L1126

A couple who screwed on the heath,
Had trouble applying the sheath.
It got torn by the thorn
Of a bitter hawthorn;
The result was a lamer named Keith.
--- Anon

Too poor to buy condoms, McCune
Used an old ten-cent rubber balloon
On the tenth of September.
The new McCune member
Will be born in the middle of June.
--- William N Nesbit

An angry young maiden named Susan
Complained that her boyfriend was usin'
A stinking old sock
To muffle his cock,
Which she thought neither safe nor amusin'.
--- Hugh Oliver A119B

However, I do have a gift
For trouble brought on by my thrift --
"I'd no condom ... Okay?"
"Well, it's my fertile day ..."
I rejoiced that I'd brought up a fifth.

The child of the limerick muses,
Entertains and the reader amuses.
Such child then gives birth
To some metrical mirth,
Through the rhythm method she uses.
--- Res Ipsa

That "method" will fail, you can bet;
A new child you surely will get.
When wifey gets hot,
The "method is shot.
We call it Vatican Roulette.
--- Frank Fazed

"Having children," said Evelyn Waugh,
"Is really a bit of a bore.
We wanted a few
But when Auberon was two,
We said: 'Oh let's not have any more'."
--- Kevin Hale Q

A lad with his life was disgusted
And he wished that his dad had not lusted.
But it wasn't the lust,
For his dad had his trust
In a rubber so worn that it busted.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2023

A certain young man of St. Paul,
Consistently practiced withdrawal.
This quaint predilection
Created such friction,
He soon had no foreskin at all.
--- L0979

Withdrawal, according to Freud,
Is a very good thing to avoid.
If practiced each day,
Your balls will decay
To the size of a small adenoid.
--- L0980