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"Oh friend, I must beg of you, please "Well, this is my very last offer; I thought for a minute and said, Now the money I'm willing to share; There was a young lady called Myrtle, There are some girls boys think are real hot, A lass from the Isle of Tiree, (and hit all the branches on the way down)
I'm meetin' my swamp gal at dusk; No veggies or fruits due to drouth, My love's unrequited with me. If you want a trouble free life, My new bride's a pug-ugly Mary, When well-trained your own gruesome witch I sent postcards being dutiful. A wasted old wench named O'Daniel, I know of an old man in Sutton The girl that was dated by Kelly There was an old prune named Ginty, Her sister was Miss Betty Lou There's a nearsighted lover named Gump There was a young girl of Purdue Said a friend to old hooker Moore, There was a young lass at the lakeshore; Wal-Mart Wanda had bad tits -- Her tits were awesome compared Wal-Mart Wanda sounds mighty fine Of beauty, she hadn't a smidgen, There was a young woman of Thrace, There was a young lady named Rose Whenever I go into town, I'm in love with a lass near Ardfart, There once was a girl from El Paso, The ugliest child ever born, it A homely young woman named Clark, A woman from Andorra la Vella So ugly a face had Miss Merrick No matter, a girls looks or size, There was an old maid from Dubuque A great body she had for a hag, I fear, when next week I'm in Bristol, For Crystal's a chambermaid who I hope, my lad, that you're not slagging I know she's an ugly old hag, With help from an X-rated mag, This wife was so ugly, named Donna, My friend with the wart on your nose, I once had a school friend named Jane, Poor Janna was ugly but tarty. I once almost joined a fraternity. There once was a girl from Manila, Oh Debbie, my darling, the moon My little sister Jan is a nag, The far out city of LA "She's homely, but does have a bunch In hopes for a Valentine's shag, Agreeing that Cindy's a sight, In the ancient Greek town of Larissa She's a nightmare from which you can't wake up. Though Brenda, an ugly old hag, When I said to a maid in Bear Creek, There was a young lady called Hope There once was a lady named Tess, A practical sailor named Schwartz, An ugly wallflower named Trish, While talking with Joan on the phone, Have you ever thought that you could I've a face that would frighten a moose;
Take her back; here's a thousand rupees."
I said, "No." He said, "Ten
Thousand Japanese yen?"
I said, "Never; now get off your knees."
--- Anon
Ten million dollars I proffer",
Said Abdul al Shag,
"In exchange for this slag
Who refused to let Mustapha boff 'er."
--- Anon
"It's a deal; take her round to the shed.
Now hand over the dough;
Take these camels and go."
And he wished me "Salaam" as he fled.
--- Anon
Fifty-fifty with any who dare
To go into the shed;
Take my girlfriend to bed;
But just get her right out of my hair.
--- Anon
Whose features resembled a turtle;
The reason no lover
Did ever discover
If Myrtle the turtle, was fertile.
--- Anon
And others that certainly are not --
On these latter charts
And the last to break hearts
Are the Lee sisters -- Ug, Home, and Mot
--- Bob Giandomenico P8811a
So plain she caused others to flee;
Not pretty at all,
She'd had a bad fall
From the top of the old ugly tree.
--- Jayne
Sniffing cunt, such sweet, sultry musk;
Don't look at her face!
Few teeth are in place!
What gets you's that one yellow tusk!
--- Anon
She lost most the teeth in her mouth.
She has two to bite;
They are quite a sight;
One points north the other one south.
--- Anon
I look in the mirror and see
The horrible fact--
The mirror's not cracked.
I wonder whose face that could be.
--- Irving Superior P9307
Uncluttered by feminine strife,
With one who'll not stray
And loves to obey,
Then find yourself an ugly wife.
--- Duke Dillon
Incredibly deep-voiced and hairy;
Moustache, facial warts,
She brays when she snorts;
When drunk and on top. Bloody scary!
--- Duke Dillon
Means life should proceed without hitch,
Or sordid divorce.
It does help of course,
If like mine, she is stinking rich!
--- Duke Dillon
Here is the only one which I did cull
From the hundred or near:
"The weather's fine here,
And I wish that you were beautiful."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0604
Must settle for sex from a manual;
With shanks sadly scraggy,
A butt badly baggy,
And paps like the ears of a spaniel.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0001
Who has a deformed belly button.
Its all red and gore
And terribly sore,
And it looks like a lump of raw mutton.
--- Anon
Was repugnant, misshapen and smelly.
But in spite of her flaws,
It was not a lost cause,
For he played with the bulge on her belly.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1873
Who only ate muffins and thin tea.
Thinking of sex
Gave her the blecchs,
And left her dried up and squinty.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Also quite good for a screw;
Clothed in a gunny sack
With only her crack
Exposed -- what a terrible view!
--- Arden
Who was fondling a warm massive bump
Beneath his date's neck
But little did reck
What he though was a tit was her hump.
--- Armand E Singer 930a
Who covered her pussy with glue.
She was minus one tit,
And stunk like shit--
I wouldn't fuck her: would you?
--- G2464
"Goddammit, you dumb ugly whore!
I hate to be crass,
But Good God! Your ass
Makes all the guy's eyes quite sore!
--- Dan Thomas
Her figure was classed as an eyesore.
Whenever she'd walk
The whole beach would talk.
And her condition in general deplore.
--- Bill Doern
Hairy with crater pits.
But you could pretend
It was milk on your chin,
When she reached up and popped her zits.
--- Anon
To her cunt which she willingly shared.
Crusty and slimy,
Putrid and grimy,
Clive Barker himself would be scared.
--- Anon
Compared to an acquaintance of mine,
With twat foamy and sweaty;
The aroma, too heady,
And this, just after shower time.
--- Anon
With a face like the ass of a pigeon;
She became a fine nun,
Put her hair in a bun,
And devoted her life to religion.
--- Cap'n Bean
Whose nose spread all over her face.
She had very few kisses:
The reason for this is
There wasn't a suitable place.
--- Anon
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
--- Bill Greenwell
At ugly girls I never frown,
'Cause I know that a bag
Over the head of a hag,
Makes her beautiful from the neck down.
--- Travis Brasell
Whose hair is so scant it won't part.
She's cross-eyed and thin,
And as ugly as sin.
But then, she has such a good heart!
--- Linda Marsh Coll
Equipped with a very fine ass, so
When she walked by a horse,
He would whinny of course,
'Cause her face looked like something you'd lasso.
--- Anon
Was said of Amelia Kornett.
"Her face is," said Joe,
Her father, in woe,
"Like a bulldog who's chewing a hornet."
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file mzm
Was devoted to sex as a lark.
Men recoiled in haste,
After a view of her face,
So she kept her house totally dark.
--- Anon
Was mistaken each day for a fella.
To distract from her arms,
She employed all her charms
And dyed her goatee a bright yella.
--- Robert Elliot
That she only was screwed by a cleric.
She had her face lifted
By a fine surgeon gifted,
With the help of a crane and a derrick.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2704a
Butt-ugly and fat is a prize,
'Cause men are all lead
Around by the head
That hasn't a brain or two eyes.
--- Goin2
Whose kisser caused strong men to puke.
But during a blackout,
She stood with her crack out,
And landed a nearsighted duke.
--- Armand E Singer 146
Her fine figure was void of one sag.
Though her face was atrocious,
Like a beast so ferocious,
She looked good with her head in a bag.
--- Travis Brasell
I'll bump into plug-ugly Crystal;
If so, I'll divulge
That the permanent bulge
In my pants, is indeed, just a pistol.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Would appear to have crept from a zoo;
A most desperate lass
With a laugh like an ass,
A moustache and the face of a gnu.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Off my wife's cousin Crystal, who's gagging
For some Hotel guest,
To give her a test
Of endurance in illicit shagging.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But surely you'll give her a shag.
So don't be too scared;
She comes quite prepared
For her head to be put in a bag.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Its wrapper, a brown paper bag,
And gallons of cider
For sliding inside her,
I might give old Crystal a shag.
--- Peter Wilkins
Her husband kept telling her, Manana!"
"I'd love it a lot
If you'd make me real hot!"
So he went out and bought her a sauna.
--- Laurence Craft
Doesn't matter the cost of your clothes.
You seem to be huffy
And look a bit scruffy;
You're ugly! That's just how it goes!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who'd come into my life once again.
She has curves here and there,
But my wife doesn't care
That in those days she was dull and plain.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Whenever she went to a party,
She got no takers.
She made do with fakers,
And got all her jollies ex parte.
--- Anon
This would have wound up with maternity.
The woman, of course,
Looked just like a horse,
And I'd have been stuck for eternity!
--- Anon
With a face that looked just like Godzilla.
She could screw you real fine
While swinging from a vine,
And give head to you like a gorilla.
--- Richard Long
Is smiling with tears, as we spoon.
The touch of your lips
And the curve of your hips
Are like naught but a hairy baboon.
--- Peter Wilkins
Consistently she's on the rag!
With those glasses and braces,
We all know her face is
Better concealed by a bag.
--- Tarazed
Held an ugly girl contest one day.
When the winner stripped down,
Most men turned around--
But those who dared stare, all turned gay!
--- Jim A
Of traits that endear..." I've a hunch
Her impending visit
Will not be exquisite,
And soon I'll be losing my lunch.
--- John Miller
I'm sending this card without lag,
To Cindy McTavish,
Whose body I'd ravish,
If her head wore a double-thick bag.
--- Hugh Clary
So strange that she gives you a fright;
There is another way,
But not in the day.
It works if you turn out the light.
--- Archie
Dwelt a hideous whore called Clarissa.
Except for the blind,
Men preferred her behind
To her face, when attempting to kissa.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Every mirror she looks in will break up.
She's so ugly and gory
That you must trust my story,
For faces like hers, you can't make up.
--- Jerry Nordal P0301
Wore a permanent brown paper bag,
With just slits for her eyes,
Nose and mouth to disguise.
My God! She was good for a shag.
--- Peter Wilkins
"You have a bright eye and fair cheek!"
She replied, "With two each
I would sure be a peach,
But I'm having more fun as a freak."
--- Alsops Foibles
Who tried to look young, using soap.
When her skin looked quite old,
She recalled she'd been told,
That her beauty was only skin dope.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Whose face was a terrible mess.
She said she had paid
Twenty bucks to get laid;
She was ugly, you had to confess.
--- Anon
Was looking for girls in the ports.
He found one in Peru
Much too ugly to screw,
So he played with her pimples and warts.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0327
A painfully ill-favored dish,
Dreamed of domed pleasure palaces
And hot throbbing phalluses
On slaves who'd obey her least wish.
--- Armand E Singer 150
I moaned as I played with my bone.
But not face to face,
'Cause she has no grace,
For Joan is a rancid old crone.
--- Archie
Put a bag on her head for a hood,
Then pull on your plonker
Or get on and bonker;
She might even pay if you're good.
The face of a moose is too loose;
We each have a face
Only time can erase;
Oh, why do we both reproduce?
--- Lims Unlimited
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