Said homely young Jane to her Granny, There was a young lady from Canberra, Last evening I found a real dish; "So you take your wife everywhere. Why?" Pardon me, if I don't ask to dance, I concede, there are quite a few hags, There was a young lady from Cheam There was a young lass we'll call Jane, A hag wanders 'round Kapuskasing, There's nothing new under the sun, A gent with a face most unkissable There was a young man near Dunowen, A smashing young lady named Jean An ugly old duckling from Niles Went out with a fellow named Jim, My face, once so handsome, just might A teenager ate chocolate bars -- Said a man with a sinus infection, Said old John to his wife, "As I fear Whilst streaking, John's tits bounced around, Whilst streaking, 'twas just as I feared: There once was a guy named Ned That skinny young fellow named Ned, There once was a fellow named Ned; A heavyweight fighter from Skeyton (areas around Norfolk)
Late October, an ugly old Basque I asked her one day on the phone Are you saying now you're bone ugly? A creative fellow named Jewitt, Here is a question that gnaws all. There once was a fellow called Cheek An aponeurosis: a sheath The appendix resembles a worm,
This is file mym
Hickory dickory eeba, Farewell to our beauty, Justine, There once was a man named Phil Between the pelvis and the breast An omphaloskeptic from Kent Be certain that I'm not condemnin', Our friends are a peculiar bunch, A general in the army called Hugh I'll tell you all something first-hand, I'm sure you are still in good form; Here's something that I find quite odd: Os sacrum in shape of a cross, The contortionist's down on his luck. A Chinese contortionist called Bean This man screwed his wife all the time, There was a young man so obscene, There was a young man from Kilkee Shortest intestine, DUODENUM, Beside his own bones there is pent Unkindly, some people think Isabel Her shape then is quite unconventional. It was a large roller that battered her; In case you desire to get buff, Your man isn't stiff for your bod? At the gym they have put up a tree At the gym there are six pedophiles, To the gym all the fair redheads go, There was a young girl called Nelly There once was a master called Osborne, The kidney had a foul tasting grin, When I think of my lap, I feel cheated; There once was a girl of New York, My body pics are popular, I see,
"Please tell me how I can win Manny."
"With your ugly face,"
Quipped Grandma, "For the chase,
Put lipstick and rouge on your fanny!"
--- Travis Brasell
Who enjoyed having sex while on camera.
A porn career beckoned,
But our lass hadn't reckoned
On a face that would scare away Gamera. (buddy of Godzilla)
--- Phil Jeux
She was all any fellow could wish.
Now that daylight is here
And my head starts to clear --
She is ugly and smells like a fish.
--- John Miller 0315 a
"She's so ugly, she makes children cry.
Well, if I should roam
And leave her at home,
Then I'd have to kiss her goodbye."
--- John Futhey A
I'd be taking a pretty big chance.
Medusa would sway,
And turn you to clay,
But you turned a man gay with one glance!
--- Anon
Who might otherwise make splendid shags;
You can still bump and grind,
Keep looks out of your mind;
Here's one reason they make paper bags!
--- Anon
Whose face caused her boyfriend to scream.
He'd kiss her in the dark,
And just for a lark,
He gave her some vanishing cream.
--- Anon
Whose face was terribly plain.
Though she searched far and wide,
She was never a bride.
The frustration drove her insane.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Each man she enounters embracing.
Although blatantly nude
She is hard to elude,
'Cause you can't tell which way she is facing.
--- Keith MacMillan 74b
Because he likes women well done.
With wrinkles and flab,
Because they don't blab
Or look at him, scream, and then run.
--- Marlene Lewis
Knew quite well that his visage was rissable.
But at night with aplomb,
He would 'cherchez la femme',
Because then the thing wouldn't be visable.
--- Norm Storer
Who strolled by himself all alone.
He'd a face like a hatchet;
I defy you to match it.
Said he: "I don't mind, it's my own."
--- F H Cozens
Married the ugliest man on the scene.
When asked reasons why
She said, "My oh my.
I love farting through silk, it's so keen."
--- Tom Patton P0204
Had wandered for too many miles
In search of some bliss,
Or even a kiss,
But the best he could get were some smiles.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
His pecs were incredibly trim.
With a face like a pizza,
Topped with all kinds of meat-sa;
I won't eat the face off of him...
--- Jayne
Need a lift and a tuck overnight.
I've no mirrors intact,
For I fear they've all cracked
At my physiognomical sight.
--- Anon
As many, almost, as the stars.
The subsequent swelling
Sent people rappelling
And scaling his deep facial scars.
--- Ryan Waldron
"It's causing my social rejection.
But a look in the mirror
Makes reasons clearer;
I understand, on further reflection."
--- Tom Patton P9504
I will have to stop streaking, my dear;
The neighbors are whining,
My wrinkles need ironing,
But I'll stick it out for one more year."
--- David Miller
As his scrotal sack dragged on the ground.
At one kilometer,
He tripped on his peter,
And thought, "Droopy bits should be bound!"
--- David Miller
You voyeurs with glasses appeared.
And not only spied
But took notes and lied.
Then adding to insult, SHAKESPEARED!
--- John Miller
Who had a growth on top of his head.
It was crusty and slimy,
Putrid and grimy,
We agreed, he'd be better off dead.
--- Anon
Whose slick sloping skull smoothly led
To a ridge 'round his neck,
Did clearly meet the spec
For a pencil-necked geek peckerhead.
--- Anon
At church he's about to get wed;
All of a sudden
His best man cut in,
And told him he's better off dead.
--- Anon
Had a face that could easily frighten.
A terrible sight
In the black of the night,
But not nearly so bad with the light on.
--- Anon
Was prepared lest his neighbors should ask.
He had painted a sign
With one simple line:
"I'm not wearing a Halloween mask."
--- A N Wilkins P8612
If handsome guys can make her moan.
She said: Beauty is cheap,
Goes only skin deep,
But ugly goes right to the bone.
--- Anon
Before you told us, you were snuggly.
"Guess you can be both.
But over that growth
I'm placing a bag," I say smugly.
--- Anon
Knew of 2,000 way to "do it".
But the man was so ugly,
No girl would get snuggly,
And he never did get around to it.
--- Ogden Nield
At a certain age it can cause all
Creatures to wonder
And run asunder:
Could I be menopausal?
--- Robert Ulsh Gross P8205
Whose physique was kept at a peak.
But decline due to ale,
Late nights without fail,
Mean his body is now an antique.
--- Suzanne Nichols
Of dense fibrose tissue; beneath
Your integument spread;
It is not in your head
Like compulsively brushing your teeth.
--- Anon
Though it doesn't burrow or squirm.
It's largely ignored
Till a surgeon is bored,
Or the bills have made him infirm.
--- Macsam
I think I've become an amoeba.
For to my dismay,
My bum's slipped away
And I'm not very sure where my knees are.
--- J Davis and C Hilditch
Whose navel was always so clean.
To leave her we're sad,
Though it isn't all bad;
For now all our thoughts aren't obscene.
--- Archie
Whose balls were made out of twill.
He would always unravel
Then shove in his navel
The thread, as he sat so still.
--- Arden
The navel lies in uselessness
Except for those
In passion's throes
Who for their nose, a place to rest.
--- Irving Superior P8708
Sat engrossed, his legs crossed, in a tent.
When they asked what engrossed him,
He replied, "If you must im-
Portune, I commune with my lint.
--- Rowdy Jack
But any place people are swimmin',
I oft RUMINATE
Anatomy's fate;
It always looks better on women.
--- Observer
The sort when they come round to lunch,
They sit and they twitter;
They snigger and titter,
And the Postie's back's a big hunch.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was a patriot all the way through.
But 'tis sad to relate,
Blood he'd not donate,
For the cells were all red, white and blue.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
My figure, once lithesome and tanned,
Was seven million bucks!
But now it just sucks,
It's now worth more like seven grand.
--- David Miller
Seven grand is nothing to scorn.
Most are worth a lot less
And I sadly confess,
One dollar is about the norm!
--- Wobbly
I've got the body of a god.
It's really quite good-a;
Of course it is Buddha.
Am I not just a lucky old sod?
--- Anon
By nerves is made "holey" like floss,
Just North of coccyx,
Next to the toxics
In conduit carrying dross.
--- Daniel Ford
"My act wound up running amuck.
Right foot on left shoulder.
Okay. There. Now hold 'er.
But I can't get it down 'cause I'm STUCK!"
--- Oddly Inform News P0504
Had a cunt all spotty and green.
When she popped a big zit,
It hit her left tit,
So she folded and licked it all clean.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
With a pillow beneath her behind.
He fucked her so much,
And her position was such,
She developed curvature of the spine.
--- Laurence Craft
He would chuckle at words like "between."
"Between legs," "between lips,"
"Between breasts," "between hips,"
There wasn't a use he found clean.
--- Isaac Asimov
Whose left hand was attached to his knee.
His right ear was a pheasant.
I admit it's not pleasant,
But at least it was him and not me.
--- Anon
In large folk may need duo denim.
But gastric bypass
Leads to frequent gas,
And may leave feeling quite odd in 'em.
--- Daniel Ford
In the fam'ly of most every gent,
A private collection --
Exempt from inspection --
By common desire and consent.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708
Has looks most exceedingly risable;
Her shoulders are broader
Than Canada's border,
But sideways, she's almost invisable.
--- Peter Wilkins
Was this some strange stunt, unintentional,
Which caused fate to bowl her
Beneath a road roller,
And thus turned her so two-dimensional.
--- Tiddy Ogg
All over the highway it splattered her.
The lads in the city
Once said she was pretty,
But afterwards nobody flattered her.
--- Peter Wilkins
'Cause Baby won't give you enough,
Prepare to tap quim!
Get thee to Johns Gym!
She'll beg you for all your hard stuff.
--- H Welchel
A wink just incites him to nod?
Get thee to Johns Gym!
When your tight and trim,
He'll beg you to bury his rod!
--- Anon
And a sign that says, "Come in! It's Free!"
Inside Santa hustles
Six ladies with muscles,
Which they twitch to make men shout with glee.
--- John Miller
Playing Santa with big Christmas smiles.
They lure girls and boys
With swell Christmas toys,
And a tickle or hug that beguiles.
--- John Miller
Giving joy 'neath the old mistletoe,
Which we hung on a rafter,
To get what we're after:
A tryst with that Yule afterglow.
--- Anon
Who had a nice cute nylon belly.
The skin was so thin,
We could all see in;
It was full of egg custard and jelly.
--- Spike Milligan P0311
I cannot think why he was born,
The head of a cad
And a body as bad,
Were the gifts God granted to Osborne.
--- Rudyard Kipling1879 P8903
As he parceled out drops of urine.
These were poured into tubes
That drained toward the pubes,
And housed in a bladder within.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
It deigns to appear when I'm seated,
But can never be found
When I just stand around.
Why isn't it there when it's needed?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead,
Before she went out doing work.
--- Cosmo Monkhouse
With all you sad(e) marquis'.
I know it must strike
You how much we're alike,
But I'm not Pamela Anderson Lee.
--- Anon