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Said homely young Jane to her Granny,
"Please tell me how I can win Manny."
"With your ugly face,"
Quipped Grandma, "For the chase,
Put lipstick and rouge on your fanny!"
--- Travis Brasell

There was a young lady from Canberra,
Who enjoyed having sex while on camera.
A porn career beckoned,
But our lass hadn't reckoned
On a face that would scare away Gamera. (buddy of Godzilla)
--- Phil Jeux

Last evening I found a real dish;
She was all any fellow could wish.
Now that daylight is here
And my head starts to clear --
She is ugly and smells like a fish.
--- John Miller 0315 a

"So you take your wife everywhere. Why?"
"She's so ugly, she makes children cry.
Well, if I should roam
And leave her at home,
Then I'd have to kiss her goodbye."
--- John Futhey A

Pardon me, if I don't ask to dance,
I'd be taking a pretty big chance.
Medusa would sway,
And turn you to clay,
But you turned a man gay with one glance!
--- Anon

I concede, there are quite a few hags,
Who might otherwise make splendid shags;
You can still bump and grind,
Keep looks out of your mind;
Here's one reason they make paper bags!
--- Anon

There was a young lady from Cheam
Whose face caused her boyfriend to scream.
He'd kiss her in the dark,
And just for a lark,
He gave her some vanishing cream.
--- Anon

There was a young lass we'll call Jane,
Whose face was terribly plain.
Though she searched far and wide,
She was never a bride.
The frustration drove her insane.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A hag wanders 'round Kapuskasing,
Each man she enounters embracing.
Although blatantly nude
She is hard to elude,
'Cause you can't tell which way she is facing.
--- Keith MacMillan 74b

There's nothing new under the sun,
Because he likes women well done.
With wrinkles and flab,
Because they don't blab
Or look at him, scream, and then run.
--- Marlene Lewis

A gent with a face most unkissable
Knew quite well that his visage was rissable.
But at night with aplomb,
He would 'cherchez la femme',
Because then the thing wouldn't be visable.
--- Norm Storer

There was a young man near Dunowen,
Who strolled by himself all alone.
He'd a face like a hatchet;
I defy you to match it.
Said he: "I don't mind, it's my own."
--- F H Cozens

A smashing young lady named Jean
Married the ugliest man on the scene.
When asked reasons why
She said, "My oh my.
I love farting through silk, it's so keen."
--- Tom Patton P0204

An ugly old duckling from Niles
Had wandered for too many miles
In search of some bliss,
Or even a kiss,
But the best he could get were some smiles.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Went out with a fellow named Jim,
His pecs were incredibly trim.
With a face like a pizza,
Topped with all kinds of meat-sa;
I won't eat the face off of him...
--- Jayne

My face, once so handsome, just might
Need a lift and a tuck overnight.
I've no mirrors intact,
For I fear they've all cracked
At my physiognomical sight.
--- Anon

A teenager ate chocolate bars --
As many, almost, as the stars.
The subsequent swelling
Sent people rappelling
And scaling his deep facial scars.
--- Ryan Waldron

Said a man with a sinus infection,
"It's causing my social rejection.
But a look in the mirror
Makes reasons clearer;
I understand, on further reflection."
--- Tom Patton P9504

Said old John to his wife, "As I fear
I will have to stop streaking, my dear;
The neighbors are whining,
My wrinkles need ironing,
But I'll stick it out for one more year."
--- David Miller

Whilst streaking, John's tits bounced around,
As his scrotal sack dragged on the ground.
At one kilometer,
He tripped on his peter,
And thought, "Droopy bits should be bound!"
--- David Miller

Whilst streaking, 'twas just as I feared:
You voyeurs with glasses appeared.
And not only spied
But took notes and lied.
Then adding to insult, SHAKESPEARED!
--- John Miller

There once was a guy named Ned
Who had a growth on top of his head.
It was crusty and slimy,
Putrid and grimy,
We agreed, he'd be better off dead.
--- Anon

That skinny young fellow named Ned,
Whose slick sloping skull smoothly led
To a ridge 'round his neck,
Did clearly meet the spec
For a pencil-necked geek peckerhead.
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Ned;
At church he's about to get wed;
All of a sudden
His best man cut in,
And told him he's better off dead.
--- Anon

A heavyweight fighter from Skeyton
Had a face that could easily frighten.
A terrible sight
In the black of the night,
But not nearly so bad with the light on.

(areas around Norfolk)
--- Anon

Late October, an ugly old Basque
Was prepared lest his neighbors should ask.
He had painted a sign
With one simple line:
"I'm not wearing a Halloween mask."
--- A N Wilkins P8612

I asked her one day on the phone
If handsome guys can make her moan.
She said: Beauty is cheap,
Goes only skin deep,
But ugly goes right to the bone.
--- Anon

Are you saying now you're bone ugly?
Before you told us, you were snuggly.
"Guess you can be both.
But over that growth
I'm placing a bag," I say smugly.
--- Anon

A creative fellow named Jewitt,
Knew of 2,000 way to "do it".
But the man was so ugly,
No girl would get snuggly,
And he never did get around to it.
--- Ogden Nield

Here is a question that gnaws all.
At a certain age it can cause all
Creatures to wonder
And run asunder:
Could I be menopausal?
--- Robert Ulsh Gross P8205

There once was a fellow called Cheek
Whose physique was kept at a peak.
But decline due to ale,
Late nights without fail,
Mean his body is now an antique.
--- Suzanne Nichols

An aponeurosis: a sheath
Of dense fibrose tissue; beneath
Your integument spread;
It is not in your head
Like compulsively brushing your teeth.
--- Anon

The appendix resembles a worm,
Though it doesn't burrow or squirm.
It's largely ignored
Till a surgeon is bored,
Or the bills have made him infirm.
--- Macsam

This is file mym

Hickory dickory eeba,
I think I've become an amoeba.
For to my dismay,
My bum's slipped away
And I'm not very sure where my knees are.
--- J Davis and C Hilditch

Farewell to our beauty, Justine,
Whose navel was always so clean.
To leave her we're sad,
Though it isn't all bad;
For now all our thoughts aren't obscene.
--- Archie

There once was a man named Phil
Whose balls were made out of twill.
He would always unravel
Then shove in his navel
The thread, as he sat so still.
--- Arden

Between the pelvis and the breast
The navel lies in uselessness
Except for those
In passion's throes
Who for their nose, a place to rest.
--- Irving Superior P8708

An omphaloskeptic from Kent
Sat engrossed, his legs crossed, in a tent.
When they asked what engrossed him,
He replied, "If you must im-
Portune, I commune with my lint.
--- Rowdy Jack

Be certain that I'm not condemnin',
But any place people are swimmin',
I oft RUMINATE
Anatomy's fate;
It always looks better on women.
--- Observer

Our friends are a peculiar bunch,
The sort when they come round to lunch,
They sit and they twitter;
They snigger and titter,
And the Postie's back's a big hunch.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A general in the army called Hugh
Was a patriot all the way through.
But 'tis sad to relate,
Blood he'd not donate,
For the cells were all red, white and blue.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

I'll tell you all something first-hand,
My figure, once lithesome and tanned,
Was seven million bucks!
But now it just sucks,
It's now worth more like seven grand.
--- David Miller

I'm sure you are still in good form;
Seven grand is nothing to scorn.
Most are worth a lot less
And I sadly confess,
One dollar is about the norm!
--- Wobbly

Here's something that I find quite odd:
I've got the body of a god.
It's really quite good-a;
Of course it is Buddha.
Am I not just a lucky old sod?
--- Anon

Os sacrum in shape of a cross,
By nerves is made "holey" like floss,
Just North of coccyx,
Next to the toxics
In conduit carrying dross.
--- Daniel Ford

The contortionist's down on his luck.
"My act wound up running amuck.
Right foot on left shoulder.
Okay. There. Now hold 'er.
But I can't get it down 'cause I'm STUCK!"
--- Oddly Inform News P0504

A Chinese contortionist called Bean
Had a cunt all spotty and green.
When she popped a big zit,
It hit her left tit,
So she folded and licked it all clean.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

This man screwed his wife all the time,
With a pillow beneath her behind.
He fucked her so much,
And her position was such,
She developed curvature of the spine.
--- Laurence Craft

There was a young man so obscene,
He would chuckle at words like "between."
"Between legs," "between lips,"
"Between breasts," "between hips,"
There wasn't a use he found clean.
--- Isaac Asimov

There was a young man from Kilkee
Whose left hand was attached to his knee.
His right ear was a pheasant.
I admit it's not pleasant,
But at least it was him and not me.
--- Anon

Shortest intestine, DUODENUM,
In large folk may need duo denim.
But gastric bypass
Leads to frequent gas,
And may leave feeling quite odd in 'em.
--- Daniel Ford

Beside his own bones there is pent
In the fam'ly of most every gent,
A private collection --
Exempt from inspection --
By common desire and consent.
--- Limeratomy - Euwer P8708

Unkindly, some people think Isabel
Has looks most exceedingly risable;
Her shoulders are broader
Than Canada's border,
But sideways, she's almost invisable.
--- Peter Wilkins

Her shape then is quite unconventional.
Was this some strange stunt, unintentional,
Which caused fate to bowl her
Beneath a road roller,
And thus turned her so two-dimensional.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It was a large roller that battered her;
All over the highway it splattered her.
The lads in the city
Once said she was pretty,
But afterwards nobody flattered her.
--- Peter Wilkins

In case you desire to get buff,
'Cause Baby won't give you enough,
Prepare to tap quim!
Get thee to Johns Gym!
She'll beg you for all your hard stuff.
--- H Welchel

Your man isn't stiff for your bod?
A wink just incites him to nod?
Get thee to Johns Gym!
When your tight and trim,
He'll beg you to bury his rod!
--- Anon

At the gym they have put up a tree
And a sign that says, "Come in! It's Free!"
Inside Santa hustles
Six ladies with muscles,
Which they twitch to make men shout with glee.
--- John Miller

At the gym there are six pedophiles,
Playing Santa with big Christmas smiles.
They lure girls and boys
With swell Christmas toys,
And a tickle or hug that beguiles.
--- John Miller

To the gym all the fair redheads go,
Giving joy 'neath the old mistletoe,
Which we hung on a rafter,
To get what we're after:
A tryst with that Yule afterglow.
--- Anon

There was a young girl called Nelly
Who had a nice cute nylon belly.
The skin was so thin,
We could all see in;
It was full of egg custard and jelly.
--- Spike Milligan P0311

There once was a master called Osborne,
I cannot think why he was born,
The head of a cad
And a body as bad,
Were the gifts God granted to Osborne.
--- Rudyard Kipling1879 P8903

The kidney had a foul tasting grin,
As he parceled out drops of urine.
These were poured into tubes
That drained toward the pubes,
And housed in a bladder within.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

When I think of my lap, I feel cheated;
It deigns to appear when I'm seated,
But can never be found
When I just stand around.
Why isn't it there when it's needed?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a girl of New York,
Whose body was lighter than cork.
She had to be fed
For six weeks upon lead,
Before she went out doing work.
--- Cosmo Monkhouse

My body pics are popular, I see,
With all you sad(e) marquis'.
I know it must strike
You how much we're alike,
But I'm not Pamela Anderson Lee.
--- Anon


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